the best way to end a week

hands down the best thing about chicago are the free concerts. like tonight for example, the chicago symphony orchestra's free preformance at millennium to kick off the world music festival. it was during Yuan-Qing Yu's violin solo (amazing!!) that i realized the beauty of the orchestra. any place that this orchestra played, anywhere across the world, people of any ethnic background, any age, any gender, any anything would hear the same emotion expressed by the music. then while explaining this idea to a friend i realized that this music is the universal language. my love for orchestra's has quadruplafied.

autoSAD

you know those awesome roommates i have? well, they are no where to be found. i forgot how architecture consumes peoples entire beings. forget first year all-nighters, this year it has developed into all-weekers. but here is the kicker, the one that hit me so hard that all that was left to do was laugh, then cry and then laugh again. not only have my roomates been in studio each night this week, this morning one of them (while home for two hours, taking a quick nap) took my toothbrush thinking they were doing my other roommate a favor by grabing her toothbrush. way to be considerate...way to steal my toothbrush! if i had known, i wouldn't have eaten an icecream sandwich. fyi: icecream sandwiches leave the teeth feeling a little fuzzy. gross, yet delicious! i can't wait until they get their autoCAD licences and can just work from their laptops from anywhere.

People I wish I had better memories of

sometimes, especially when i'm tired, i find it hard not to miss people.

i got a bike! i got a bike! i got a bike! hey, hey, hey, hey!

my original plan was to bike to school with one of my roomies, but financial aid came in and it was mission a few hundreded and a bike was no longer in the budget for this onion. after a long (and multiple) talks with another friend about my no-bike situation (who is waiting for me to get a bike so we can hit up the night riding scene) i decided it was time i detacht myself from getting one. that night i while working on homework what did my roommate find in the back closet? none other than a bike. the wheels were off, the chain was...not right, and there were random (to us at least) screws lying around it. what does my great roommate do? she decides at twelve to start to put it together. you see, my roommate loves bikes. seriously, if a bike is around she has a hard time paying attention to anything else. so the joy that i found that night, was not finding a bike and having an amazing roomie that would fix it for me, but how excited and how happy putting the bike together made her.

When the food starts to get better

that's right, i made tadiq...and i didn't burn it!! well okay the slightly burnt side is conveniently hidden on the other side of the plate, but, i mean, look at that beautiful plate of rice! you should have seen me taking pictures of it. i pretty much filled my camera with pictures as though it was my first born. i'm eating it right now (and who knew first borns were so tasty!) mmm...i'm so happy, i love persian food!

on growing up...

my sister liza can be caught, many times, saying how old she is or how old she feels, and today i finally am able to relate to her blasphemy. for the first time, i feel old. this week i moved into my new apartment. neither of my roommates have moved in yet, so there is no one around to check on me or to make decisions with, and for the first time feel fully responsible for myself and my well-being.

and it's scary.

and the foods not all that great either*.

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fantasy is what people want
but reality is what they need...

...what are we going to do now
where are we going to go now
what are we going to say now

*suzanne and husayn know how to feed people, let me tell you

In God let the trusting trust...

'Abdu'l-Baha stated:

"It is extremely difficult to teach the individual and refine his character once puberty is passed. By then, as experience hath shown, even if every effort be effort be exerted to modify some tendency of his, it all availeth nothing. He may, perhaps, improve somewhat today; but let a few days pass and he forgetteth, and turneth backward to his habitual condition and accustomed ways."

Extremely difficult does not mean impossible. (yay!)

i heart portland.

well, portland is amazing. i woke up this morning and saw a mountain. yeah, that's right a mountain. and there are trees, you know...everywhere. portland is kinda covered with them and it's kinda great. then there are the parks. you don't have to go looking for the parks they just find you. first off, just by walking around the neighborhoods you might think that you are already in a park. but if that in it's self is not good enough for you, just start walking around and sooner rather than later you will stumble upon a park (and by the way their 'parks' are more like mini-forest perserves). right now i'm greatful to have grown up in the mid-west, because if i hadn't would i appreciate portland this much? illinois pretty much rocks right now, because it make portland so great.

moral of this post? visit portland; the city where they work.

Current state of being; note not current state of doing.

Here comes the rain storm. You can smell, see, and feel it coming. The barometric meter changes and you can feel the ache of every past injury in your bones. You prepare for its coming the best you can, knowing it’s a big one. You bring in the dried towels and anything else that need to be brought in. And then you wait; excited about the change that is about to take place. It starts out slowly with light gusts of wind and then starts to pick up. You reach out your hand from under the protected stoop from which you sit, close your eyes, and let yourself feel each drop. At first it tingles and you feel as though your hand has fallen asleep and is now waking up. You can’t help but take a small step out and let your whole body feel the rain. In a way, you come to realize, each drop that hits you allows you to feel your place in the world; you feel small and powerless. But then the rain starts to pour down and you can no longer feel the tingles of each drop; instead you become so soaked (with the exception of a few fat drops hitting your face) you are no longer aware of the rain. You think back to your place in the world and this time you feel unconstrained.

The rain, it eventually stops and you are left there in a state of bewilderment. Ten minutes ago you were completely dry and now by taking that step and standing in rain you are wet. In that short period of time you have changed and you are worried; what is it going to be like when you step back into the house?

Okay, so that was a bit weak and lame, but I’m exhausted. Not only am I exhausted, I am hot and the hotness is counteracting upon my exhaustion. Grrr…(and I grr in the utmost frustration). But anyways…After being gone for six weeks, in homes where there was endless support and one common goal, I’m a bit scared and overwhelmingly excited to be stepping back into the world.

By the way, how is the world oh people, that have been reading this? (that’s me asking you how you are…I miss you people). a little side story here: my friend geet-smeet (named changed for protection) says I need to stop making friends, because born into a family of seven…how is it that I have time for friends? Then while I was complaining about missing people she said, “see! you need to stop meeting people and making friends, you are just going to end up missing people all the time.” so, true. I miss and I miss. in fact I kinda want to get married just so everyone I miss can be all together.

More on Ruhi/my summer later… and by later I mean when I have time (mahh).

----------------------------

Holy Spirit rain down on me

I want to feel Your presence around me

Shower upon me Thy confirmations

Through the Spirit of Faith bring regenerations

oh, i do believe in all the things you see, what comes is better than what came before.

you learn something new everyday and on the fourth of july i learned this:

spontaneous dance party at the smits leaves the spirit ablaze and the soul soaring.

I listen to the wind
The wind of my soul
Where I'll end up, well I think
Only God really knows

Feeling it.

Sasha (as I am biting into a left over piece of a green bell pepper): why are you eating a jalapeño?

Me (confused): This isn’--- !!!!

Two minutes later, while soaking my lips in milk and sucking on bread…

Me: I feel like I have kissed hell.

and now for a two second update:

ruhi in the woods equals life altering?

thus far i have laughed so hard my back hurt, found my twin, married, and now know what faith means. it's only been one weeks, but i can already answer that question...yes, in a very very good way.

Working on.

and a quick shout-out: happy anniversary mom and dad!

i love my merkels forever and for always.

vahid: no, anya! don't turn off the light. i know i'm bigger than tana and xcy, but they share a room and don't have to sleep by themselves. i don't have anyone to talk to, just bob the builder. hey! why don't you sleep in the bottom bunk tonight!

vahid (one hour later): goodnight anya!

vahid (another hour later): okay, just one more question...

vahid (half an hour after that): what about yellow annnndddd.......green?

vahid (half an hour aftert that): what about 3 blues and 100 oranges?

---------

tah: bye-bye xcy, i love you!
xcyden: i wuv you!
tah: who do you love?
xcyden (looking up from her plate at me, grins and points): anya!

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katana: ohhh, so baby amia grew up and became your dad!?!!

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vahid (while pulling into dairy queen): anya, this is really nice!
me: no, vahid you're really nice.
vahid (after thinking about it): hey! i AM really nice!
mady: wow, vahid you're real modest.
vahid: no, mady anya's just being honest.



happy birthday sara!!! turning 28 must be fun!

bah-humbug.

perk #241 of living with the allmarts: being there to overhear husayn sing J. Lo's "Jenny from the Block"

a priceless moment?

you have no idea what you all just missed.

and now on to the rambling. bare with me or just stop reading...staring now:
there are things that people don't allow themselves to do and for me one of those things is hope. though to many this can be a romantic notion; to have hope is to have faith, to have faith is to believe, and to believe is to be hopeful. it's one big beautiful circle, but for me hope is scary. to hope is to finally admit to myself whatever it is that i am allowing myself to hope for is the thing i really want. doubt fills my head and the fear of what i'm hoping for is not what i need or is not going to get me where i want it to get me, or it is not what i should be hoping for and so forth and so on. i don't want to hope, because i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to have faith, because i don't want what i want not to happen. i don't want to believe, because i don't want my hope to blind me in seeing other out comes.

confused? so am i. but at least i have a vague idea of what i am saying. you may not, sorry. words and i are in a complex relationship...and that being true, why i have a blog remains an question that's going to go unpondered.

i am hoping to go to ruhi in the woods this summer (an intensive training camp for future community service type thing) and i'm trying to put these fears of hope aside. right now i am filling out the application and i'm trying to figure out how to say what i want to say. not too good with words and writing, three out of four of the question asked are, in a way, intimidating. my involvement with core activities and my experiences with them? well, i filled in and helped my sister a few times with her sunday school classes...uhh...the study circle i was in held a devotional...umm...yeah. i feel under qualified to answer the question and scold myself, "why haven't you done...done...something!" i had school, i had a job, i had a two hour commute each day...these are the excuses running through my head. when did i have the time? i should have made the time.

but as i ponder about why, i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator. i would become comfortable through meeting and getting to know the people that would be there with me, the people i would be working with when we come back to chicago. instead of "would" though, i should be saying "hope". i hope that is apart of what i would get out of going to this training. this is what i envision at least.

hmm...baahhhhh....applications.

hmm...baahhhhh....hoping.

-------------------------------


My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

i'm not exactly sure when it happened or how exactly it happened but...i have become a shoe whore.

and if you are disgusted like i am slightly frighten by this; don't look in my closet. since moving to evanston (since i started paying for my everything...minus my mobile) the number of shirts i own has doubled, my skirts have raised ten fold, and my pants! have most certainly tripled. i blame what i call the 14-odd-years of hand-me-downs liberation. in no way being serious; it has changed my life.

...i also blame nordstoms rack, the urban outfitters additional 50% off sale items, and gap being convently next door to p*nea.

...and debit cards.

-------------------------

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world

What he was thinking about the girl
Ya, what he's thinking about the girl, oh

A lot of people get confused and they bruise
Real easy when it comes to love
They start putting on their shoes and walking out
And singing "boy, I think I had enough"

Just because she makes a big rumpus
She don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy
Take a tip and do yourself a little service
Take a mountain turn it into a mole

So now you're mad, denying the truth
And it's hidden in the wisdom in the back of your tooth
Ya need ta spit it out, in a telephone booth
While ya call everyone that you know, and ask 'em

Where do you think she goes
Oh ya, where d'ya suppose she goes, oh

The truth well you know there's no stoppin' it
And the boat well ya know she's still rockin' it

The boat ya you know she's still rockin' it
And the truth ya you know there's no stoppin' it

You recognize with your back in the back?
That it's colder when she rocks the boat
But it's the cause hittin on the Cardinal Laws?
'bout the proper place to hang her coat

So to you, the truth is still hidden
And the soul plays the role of a lost little kitten but
You should know that the doctors weren't kiddin?
She's been singing it all along

But you were hearin' a different song

Do you feel?

Spontaneous motherfreaking dance parties make life worth living.

When Your Burrito Explodes

You know you have done something wrong, and you have just gotten what you have deserved when your veggie burrito with no beans, mild sauce, cheese, cream cheese, with no guacamole and no lettuce explodes onto your arm.

somehow i managed to leave two friends eating lunch at two different potbellies (misspelled because i feel like it) all by themselves. one was at the one on wabash the other on wacker. yes, map it out in your head or on google maps (i still prefer mapquest) and you will notice that, yes i manage to leave two friends stranded at the two potbellies on opposite sides of the loop. not only did i have to walk those 20 some blocks (exaggerated because that's what i do) feeling horrible for how much of a failure of a friend i am, i had to walk those 20 some blocks hungry. so i guess i got what was coming after sitting down to eat my burrito, after i said, "well, at least someone is going to have a good lunch today." and yes, we were sitting by the windows to give the pedestrians something to laugh at.

Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like you are in movie where it’s just about to end, and the oldies song starts to play quietly and then you turn it up and the song takes over, everyone is happy, and just as the scene fades you are running out of the room dancing?

A lesson must be lived in order to be learned.

and i think to myself, what lesson am i living?

if there is a thing called "old soul," i am most definitely a "new soul." i am an observer of sorts; always watching, listening, and absorbing other people's talks and interactions. unable to conger up the right words to describe my vivid visual thoughts, i am quite. "old souls" are known for their deep spiritual, and intellectual, insights; "new souls" are in need of strong, and patient, spiritual guidance.

i find my self living in a cycle, where suddenly, after months or years, i wake up and realize i have being living life through it's motions. as of this moment the first time i remember "waking up" was when someone once asked me, "what do you think about, what thoughts run through your head?" i thought about the question and the answer was clear, "nothing." i'm sure my friend thought that it was a joke or me just being a tease, but really it was the truth. well "the truth" scared me and was enough of a jolt to me that i had my first "awakening." what is it that i should be thinking about? which eventually developed into the question of, what am i afraid to think about? the answer was God. and so, i struggled, as i forced myself to think about God, to actually learn about this Baha'i Faith i called my own.

it was not until tonight that i feel i have a bit more understanding of why; in fact it was not until tonight that i finally had the guts to ask myself why it was i was afraid of God. tonight i decided to go down to the lake (what suzanne and i affectionately call the ocean) to say midnight prayers. it was there that i realized how far away i was sitting and thought to myself, "why is it that i am afraid of the ocean?" which reminded me of this quote:

O My Servants! My holy, My divinely ordained Revelation may be likened unto an ocean in whose depths are concealed innumerable pearls of great price, of surpassing luster. It is the duty of every seeker to bestir himself and strive to attain the shores of this ocean, so that he maym in proportion to the eagerness of his search and the efforts he hath exerted, partake of such benefits as have been pre-ordained in God's irrevocable and hidden Tablets.

and i finally asked myself why it was that i was afraid of God. (just to be clear, i did not remember not but two words from this quote, but i visualized it's meaning...or more it's meaning to me) right now, i feel that the answer i found, or more the answer i am beginning to find, is that there just may not be one answer to why and maybe its not the one answer that is important here; maybe it is the question itself that is of higher value. it is the question that got me to think.

Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

dream #141: become a graphic designer, making posters the rest of my life, and my offical office be a coffee shop.

would i be happy with that?

i. think. so.

(photoshop, i love you.)

Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

thanks to ondemand hbo style, to a sister that has cable and a small case of insomnia i saw the first three episodes of "Big Love" last night. just in case you don't know, "Big Love" is the new hbo series about a mormon's life with his three wives and seven children. like every hbo series i have thus seen, (six feet under, sopranos, carnival, and sex and the city) i enjoy the originality of it and am intrigued to see more. while watching it though, i kept finding myself getting frustrated. three wives all fighting for their husbands attention, naturally fighting and only getting upset at one another, never really getting mad at their husband. it was as though none of them wanted to bring up issues that needed to be addressed in their relationship almost in fear of making him mad. the only wife who seemed to have the balls to say anything in a straight forward, truthful manner (not trying to manipulate him with lies) was the oldest wife. i think the hardest thing for me to watch was the women always competing with one another and how that (in a way) was keeping them oppressed (this situation i saw the most between the two younger wives). but the frustration that i got from watching wasn't a bad thing, it made me think more about balances in relationships. the only complaint with what i have seen so far is the sexual focus of the relationships between the three wives and their one husband and the lack of the other dynamics of relationships. at one point i remember thinking that "Big Love" should be renamed "Big Sex," it was so fixated on the subject. but then again it is hbo.

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Garage Sale. Saturday.
I need to pay my heart's outstanding bills.
A cracked-up compass and a pocket watch,
some plastic daffodils,
the cutlery and coffee cups I stole from all-night restaurants,
a sense of wonder (only slightly used),
a year of two to haunt you in the dark,
a wage-slave forty-hour work week
(weighs a thousand kilograms, so bend you knees)
comes with a free fake smile for all your dumb demands,
the cordless razor that my father bought when I turned 17,
a puke-green sofa, the outline to a complicated dream of dignity,
and a laugh (too loud and too long).
For a place where awkward belongs,
or a phone call from far away with a "Hi, how are you today",
and a sign that recovery come to broken ones.
Or best offer.

The name's The Machine Bee, thank you!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Machine Bee Your Superpower is Soul Sold to Devil Your Weakness is Crystals Your Weapon is Your Air Analyzer Your Mode of Transportation is Cable

What's your Superhero Name?

if it weren't for dumbtimewastingyetattimesentertaining quizzes how else would i know that my superpower is Soul Sold to the Devil? I mean, if i never found that out-- well, think of how disillusioned i would have kept on living my life.

You have your whole life ahead of you. You have a whole six years!

To me "what if.." always meant to change the past. I would think of past mistakes/situations in these terms and would end up being depressed and saddened by my failures. I would watch my past self and cridge, while thinking, "oh, anya don't." moments would replay in my head and each time i would get angry at myself. it was all backwards thinking, because now (and i don't know what has changed, but i'm a fan of whatever it is), i can look at past mistakes and, instead of getting down on myself, i can see the value of what i learned from them. And now "what if.." has become a base for dreams to form. "What if I go to grad school in savannah? what if in the furture i own my own coffee shop and work side jobs as a graphic designer? what if i become an industrial designer and get to make cool toys the rest of my life? what if i can find a way to work my dream job (to put together packages to send to people*)?" the possibilities become endless, and at times overwhelming. but that good sort of overwhelming, you know when you get so excited you just have to sit down and calm yourself. like getting to see the merkle's, for example. (aww, i miss my merkle's who i haven't see since two weeks before my birthday...which was janurary 8th! come on now, who can go that long without seeing the merkles. not me that's for sure) so, umm, yeah. i have a new way of thinking and my thoughts feel much clearer which makes me feel much more happier. now if only i knew if it were my left frontal lobe that was more at work when i'm feeling happier or my right frontal lobe, i would have aced my psychology test today. dang those psychology tests.

*if you don't get that, then you just don't know me :-)

Content and Smiling...

i am at my favorite coffee shop in evanston, where the door is open allowing a slight breeze to come in, and death cab plays overhead.

my widget weather forcaster shows a violent storm cloud, when all i see outside is bright sunshine.

i am wearing a skirt. (wearing skirts make me happy. yay for skirts!)

*not being all knowing of widgets, i first put gidgits, then remembered they started with a "w" and so wrote widgits, and then still feeling that wasn't quite right i googled it to get the right word, does anyone else do this?

UPDATE: more smiles...on my walk home from the coffee shop i could smell the rain that's about to downpour. i love, love, LOVE the smell of rain.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I am a coward.

suz and hus are out of town for the week. the aparment feels too big and too cold without them. there is no amia talking in the mornings to ease me awake, only the alarm on my phone that makes me angry when it goes off.

i am depressed.

My First (failure of a) Grocery List

frozen waffles
butter
syrup
4 cheese hot pockets
2 packages of uncrustables (strawberry jelly...yumm!)
citrus green ice tea
2 bottles of orange juice (double yumm!)
milk
bananas (to help with the depression)

if you were at the evanston jewel on sunday, i was the girl walking around looking lost.

so, what did i learned this week?

i need to marry a chef.

Tomkins you have stolen my heart, now just don't break it.

so i made the big mistake of leaving tomkins (aka my nano, that i just got for my birthday) at sara's house. i thought that i wouldn't miss him this week due to the fact that it is the fifth week of classes, which means test upon test upon papers.

long realization short: i was wrong.

i miss his perfect shuffles (three out of four, on average thus far...what can i say tomkins, you are good), checking my pocket every ten minutes to make sure he is still there (thank you husayn, for terriorizing me with the "what if.." of losing him), the background he provides for my red line el naps (that successfully, and thankfully, drain out the sound of the person next to me chewing on their gum), and i even miss the way he makes my hears hurt in that odd way where the only way to make them feel better is to put the ear phones back in.

one week was hard, two weeks is undesired. tomkins, i think it's time you come on home. by that i mean, sara come visit and don't forget to bring my nano!

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Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

20!

birthday fill-in and pictures! yes, pictures! to come (once i get back to feeling like blogging)...as for now enjoy the blurred miss amia allmart actually sitting by herself, reading books to herself! (seriously this is the first time i think she's ever done this and just for the record, i love this girl and i want more! someone give me more nieces and nephews!)

that's her taking a break to pick her nose, which she likes to do when i'm around her. i think it's because i tend to tell her, "eww! yuck!" and "noses are for smelling, not picking" all while making disgusted face. plus, she knows that if i try to pull her finger out of her nose she can start to cry and then run to suzanne and tell on me. she likes to tell on me.

a post with alot of me, myself, and i's

way back when i moved into evanston, i went to a women's night with my sister suzanne. and there a women gave a talk about her recent stay in hawaii, when she went to just get away and re-group. after her incredible story of stength and faith, she asked us to write down something we each individually were struggling with. after a few moments, after not really thinking about it, i scribbled down "direction" on my piece of paper.

i'm struggling with direction; WHERE am i going? WHEN am i going to get there? ...HOW am i going to get there? are a few questions that are running thorugh my head. i'm currently switching my major from architecture to art and design. i've just wasted a semester, which has resulted into a year, of trying to pretend and hold onto architecture as my desired career path. why? i knew that architecture wasn't what i wanted, i had no passion for it. i knew that architecture lacked the majority of the type of creativity i love to play with and create. so why did i try to pretend to want something i knew i did not want?

while growing up the majority of my frustration stemmed from not being able to make decisions. i remember destinctly standing at a vending machine on our way up to michigan, just staring at the candy inside. did i want the peanut butter m&m's or the regular m&m's? did i want a pack of gum? a bag of chips? malt balls? panic grew inside me, "what do i want!?" then my mom and sister sara tried helping me decide. "well, what are you in the mood for anya?" they kept asking me. i could not decide, i did not want to get one thing and find that that was not what i wanted. i didn't want to make a mistake. the frustration grew too big and the panic ended up overwhelming me, so i just walked away.

my lack of direction and inablilty to make decisions go hand in hand. i never thought i'd be here. when imagining my future self i always passed over the college years and went straight into picturing life that followed college. my family, my career, ect. even that was fuzzy and just silly girlish imaginings (which i guess any furture imaginings of yourself are). i couldn't create direction for myself, because that would mean i would have to decide what that direction would be. i didn't know where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do. possibilities and options were/are endless. i wanted someone to come and tell me, "anya you have to be blankyadiblank" or "anya, you have to go into blankyadiblank." i just wanted for someone to tell me where to go, so i wouldn't have to decide myself. and i guess it all comes down to fear. fearing i will make a mistake, fearing to create realistic dreams and set goals. fearing to fail, fearing to get hurt. but isn't that life? you only learn from failures. it's not as though you fail, that's it. it's over. there, that's the backward mindset i've been thinking in. i'm afraid to try, because i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid let myself get attachted or excited about things that aren't difinate.

then i start thinking, on the other hand. i'm not that afraid, i know what will happen will happen. what will be, will be. there is a reason for everything, and sooner or later you might find out why...or you may not. i beilieve in God. i put my trust in God. so why should i be fearful? maybe there inlies the problem. maybe before i didn't really put my trust in God and instead invested more in fear.

oh fear, you nasty little thing.

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Measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare,
the time it takes to get from here to there.
My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free;
I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely.
I am so much better than I used to be.

Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
And drowning in the pools of other lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty.
Armed with every precious failure, and amateur cartography,
I breathe in deep before I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it feels okay.

And I'm leaving. Wave goodbye.
And I'm losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember.
Sing my imperfect offering

Forest of Illusion

since the library is out of sapranos season three, i have filled that time with playing super mario world. i now know what i was missing out on (our family never had nintendo, and when we went to visit our cousins in ohio..who had nintendo..only my older sisters got to play).

life. is. grand.

UPDATE: i am currently stuck in the forest of illusion, all paths have become circles. what thing did i miss in what level?

When you never hear it, then on top of that you barely feel it...love gets lost.

the following isn't funny, nor is it suppose to be.

i feel like a greasy schmuck, who's in great need of a "refreshed" spirit. almost as much as this sememster killed me, this transition from trying to do everything all at once all the time to having absolutely nothing to do, is almost too much for me to handle. besides the sopranos (only for half an episode), nothing caughtes my interest. no, it's more like nothing holds my interest. forms of entertainment feel empty (minus ice skating and sledding), i feel restless and impatient. i can't figure out all of what is involved with this unexpected switch in mood or more importantly (well, maybe not more importantly) what's going to pull me out of it.

"Now, and for a long time, the best way she knew to settle her mind was to run. Sometimes she felt that the meditative state of the long, quiet miles helped her think. Sometimes she felt that the pure exhaustion helped her not think. Sometimes she beileved that she was running toward some sort of resolution, and other times she knew she was just plain running away. Still, it was what she did."

too bad i live in chicago, and it's currently negavtive degrees out (without the windchill).


----------------------------

I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i've said too much
I'm afraid of who has heard me

I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i can never say enough
I'm afraid no one has heard me

I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

where was on the weekends this semester? i was wondering all over chicago sketching in my notebook. here are some of my favorites from the whole semester. you'd think i'd have more, but then you'd look in my sketchbook and then you'd understand. (there is a green strip because this is a copy of a page of my portfolio...and i was going to post my whole portfolio to show you what i've been doing while living in studio, but it's oh so much better when you flip through the real thing yourself)



this one is my personal favorite, for personal reasons. i first saw this man playing his violin i was waiting for the el at jackson and he instantly reminded me of my grandpa. this, naturally, made me happy and for whatever reason i just wanted a picture of him sitting there playing his violin. but by the time i pulled out my camera, the train was in front of me and i had to go. then about two weeks later for architecture we went to the art institute for a field trip and there he was playing right out in front of it. that's when i got the chance to sketch him.

--------------

There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down

I finally drove out where the sky is dark enough to see stars

"AN-A!"

"AN-A!!"

"AMIA!"

"An-a!"

"Amia!"

"An-a!"

i roll over in my bed.

"Up"

i then pull her up into my bed and she quickly says, "In!" and i raise my blankets for her to crawl into bed with me. "elie-phant! in," and i throw in the elephant (sorry liza, still haven't found it...and don't bother coming over to look for it when we find it we'll let you know). as i listen to her giggle under the covers i think to myself, "this is the single most absolute best way to wake up," and i get a moment that puts into perspective of what true happiness really is.

How to start a break off right.

i just finished watching the first season of the sopranos. husayn got me hooked after turning it on during thanksgiving and now, now i'm crazy about it. i'm renting the second season tomorrow (thank goodness for libraries and their hidden vhs' in the back corner)

i can tell, already, that this is going to a one good winter break.

----------------

I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling
An earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows

I've made my bed and now I'm gonna lay in it.

quite possibly the best, yet most dangerous thing to shop for while sick...

bedding. you try to stay within your budget (of zero $) but you feel so miserable that you will take anything that appeals to the comfort of your bed.

went to ikea today (great place) and decided it was time for me to get myself a down comforter at long last. i have wanted one since i was in sixth grade. in "home 1" i found exactly what i wanted, but then when we were looking at the bed frame section liza hurried over to me, took hold of my arm (as if she were amia), and dragged me across to the bed sheets that she knew i would like. and she was right, i loved them. sadly, they were expencive and in the end i went with the less expencive set (i'm cheap like that). it was when i picked out the down comforter that i wanted, but was not about to pay that much for, that liza remembered she had an extra one from her single days. so to celebrate this great borrow that equates to a down comforter for anya, anya got herself a sara-like pillow, AT a reasonible price i might add. so now, as i lay in my bed putting off writting my cover letter for english, scanning in my drawings for arch, reading for philosophy, or catching up on my math class that i skipped on wednesday ('cause i'm bad-ass like that) with my body feeling like crap, i smile. i've made my bed and now i'm gonna lay in it.

every now and then, i fall apart

overall this semester has taken it out of me. it's like i've been in two places at once, but really never being fully in either place. always rushing, always having something or some other place to be. never having the time to even talk on the phone to keep in touch with people, or time to write for that matter. i've lost touch with all who know me. and that, that makes me sad. but mostly dissappointed in myself. i'm so shy, so far from being a social warrior, that it takes time for people to get to know me. so why have i failed in keeping in touch, you would think that i would value those realationships enough to keep them up. i'm so tired of it, so tired of being shy and such a wallflower. but how does one go around changing such a big part of their personality? is it even possible? maybe for some people, but for me? i try to visualize it and it seems partically possible, but then i remind myself what i do do when faced with a room full of people i don't know and what i thought may be obtainable, no longer is.

---------------------------

The answer came
Like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
Making a bomb shelter of our basement
And i can't believe you let the moral go by
While you were soaking in the product placement

Where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters
That you wrote to yourself
But could not address?

There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
A whole childhood of potions
That are all bottled up
And so one by one i am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
And i'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists
That we hold in our fists
Of the things that we promise to do
Differently next time

Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus i'm not listening to you anymore
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And i'm mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated
Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do i do with all these letters
That i wrote to myself
But cannot address?

oh, the weekend that was.

an update in somewhat list form, because those are always nice (aka a yawn post to avoid those soon to be comments demanding an update)...

THE LOWLIGHTS (things that made me sad):

-the potrayal of dumbledore in the new h.p. movie. come on, would dumbledore EVER choke harry? does he EVER lose his temper? does he EVER yell at the students? does he EVER seem confused?

-talking myself into staying in studio on friday to get ahead of my workload for the weekend. then, as i am taking off my fourth (yes, fourth) axon drawing that i spent four hours on, i ripped it. (and yes, at that moment i fell to the floor and just cried, while asking in my delusioned state "why God, why?")

-having to close with a new manager at p*nea, fearing he was a cleaning nazi.

-finding out katie and nathan won't be coming up for thanksgiving

-not being able to participate in a study circle at my house, because i had to work on architecture and had to run to work

-knowing that after i got out of work, it was only the begining of my night

-pulling two mini all-nighters

-i lied. after finding out that the night before when i didn't pay for parking was a fluke and that i wasn't going to be able to leave without paying $5.75 (which meant i would have to re-park walk to white hen, hope it's open, pay atm charge to get money, buy something to get change, and then walk back to my car in chicago, by myself at three in the morning). this, mind you, was after a good ten minutes driving around the lot trying and re-trying to get out, thinking i was crazy because i couldn't remember what i did last night to get out. so i called the emergency help line and when asked if i had paid the $5.75 that i did not have to pay the night before, i lied and said, "yeah."

-knowing that i technically owe uic $11.25

-sholeh's last uic bahai association meeting

-finally getting to register for classes for next spring, but only thus far sign up for two classes

-eating a hot pocket and drinking a vanilla pepsi for dinner which i ate at eleven

-dealing with a screwed up sleep schedule, where now i can't fall asleep until three

THE HIGHLIGHTS (things that made up for it):

-getting to see the new h.p. movie at 12:01 with liza and brent

-being honored the "fuck up of the month" by naida in studio for ripping my axon.

-making an axon wall where i put up all the ten thousand "rough draft" axons it took to get to my final one, and then collecting everyone elses "rough draf" axons and putting them up (it's one fine wall, let me tell you)

-finding out that the new manager is no cleaning nazi and likes to go home as much as i do

-taking saturday off to watch amia, that girl cracks me up with every move she makes.

-realizing as i was trying to slowly put amia on her bed, after she fell asleep on our walk, that a one and a half year old had me pinned down and there was nothing i could do about it

-fighting over who gets liza's elephant with amia

-then one morning waking up missing it after falling asleep with it the night before only to find amia playing with it in the living room.

-finding out that there is a "santa express" el by caughting it on my way to work (you don't know the definition of "decked out with christmas decorations" until you have seen that el, serioulsy)

-thinking that when i walked into studio on sunday at 11:30 pm i'd be alone, only to find out i wasn't

-driving downtown at three in the morning and getting to see state street all lit up, completely empty

-getting into art history 111 discussion group on weds. with all my friends in arch studio who i'll be leaving (okay so that last part is sad)

-celebrating wendy's birthday at geodano's

-homemade pumpkin pie...yummy!

-getting to play basketball!! (i forgot how much i miss playing)

-realizing that i didn't have to trim down my axon paper, because i drew it perfectly centered (i got nervous every time i touched that drawing, fearing i would some how mess it up again)

-getting some sleep

-having a good, open, long, funny conversation with a dear friend

AND

-forgetting and then remembering that thanksgivng is...(gasp!)... TOMORROW!!





What is your ideal date?

The last thursday of each November.

Say it isn't so! Say it isn't so!

lock all the doors.

turn off all the lights.

disconnect your phone.

lay in your bed and just start to cry.

Arrested Development has been canceled.

*UPDATE: Maybe there is something you can do, like Get Arrested! or something.

Mantengase Alejado de la Puerta

Made from love that is all pretending, we gave birth to a girl name Silence. One accepts and tries to fulfill her needs,one ignores her very existance. Both try to push away that which brought her here. Until both acknowledge her presence, she will never be able to leave, she will never be set free.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck

and take it to another city, boy, i don't know what to tell you.

it is fall and the crisp coldness that comes with fall is creeping into chicago. it is at this time of the year when i actually day dream about running. maybe this feeling has been programed into me after the years of last minute preparation for basketball tryouts. whatever the reason i love it. i love having the desire to go running and having to bundel up for the cold weather outside and then having it half off by the time i'm done from amount i have pushed myself. there is something about the cold weather, in it i can push myself further and faster. maybe it has to do with the fact the further and faster i go the less and less i can feel my limbs. or maybe it has to do with something else, who knows.

the crisp fall air that fills my lungs, my favorite pair of sweats, the crunching of the golden leaves under my feet and the darkness that surrounds me...all that was missing to make this the perfect run was some rain.

--------------------

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

*jack handey is my hero.

What is going on?

Witness. I went home on friday, but when I saw this I wasn't sure where I was. Confusion set in as soon as I saw it, "What? Is that...? Where am I? Mooommmm!!!!" Terror seized me, for change in my home is hard for me to handle. I like knowing where everything is, where I can find things, what I can expect. A place where I know where I am and what I can do. Last time, when I saw the deforesting on the corner of prarie and that other street (near the knolls) I almost cried. Batavia, what are you doing getting rid of those trees? But that I can handle, that is developement. Or the new stop sign by the high school,
even that I can get used to. But change inside my own home is what I truely struggle with. The disappearance of Grandma Lehman's rocking chair (my parents waiting until I was gone for a weekend to throw it out). Then there now is an ocassionly a television WITH a DVD player sitting in our living room. That is a change I'm still getting used to. But what about this? Actual white bread in my home? This is unheard of. This is unfathomable. I mean, look WHITE bread sitting on my dinning room table. I can truthfully say that no one has ever seen such a thing.





This would be me on my 23rd hour. Yes, I officially feel like an architect student now, after pulling my first all-nighter on wednesday. On that One Great Day, I was in the AA building down in studio for 29 hours. When I finally finished all my work at 5:30 a.m. Nadia and I set off to find the roof to watch the sunrise (which everyone kept calling sunset, because that was just how long it had been since we had been outside). We successfully found the little window on the fifth floor and got onto the roof. We were quite proud of ourselves. Here is me climbing through the little window...
Can you see the little brown stain on my pants? Yeah, that would be from my 12th hour when my meatball sandwich landed in my lap and created two big brown stains on my pants that I would be wearing for another 28 hours. Oh! and here are the brusies I got from climbing through that little window. It took me awhile to figure out where those brusies were from when i found them...(i was tired, i couldn't think, i couldn't
remember).















I don't know how to wrap this up...sooo...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MI FASHA WHO I LOVA!

This picture is too good to appear only on one blog...

This would be the family that I could spend hours upon hours gushing about (literally). On the far left we have Jack-Jack (aka Xyden, who's smile would make your month...my month has been made... just because it is that beautiful...not to mention rare). On the floor is, "Edna Mole, darling" (aka my Katana-bana who is now all about giving the biggest-bestest hugs one has ever gotten). Far left we have Dash (aka Vahid WHO'S IN KINDERGARDEN and all grown up...but he still likes to play "making the food" with me). Oh and in the middle, there is Violet (aka Mady, aka the girl who got me addicted to the spiderman video game...*by the way anyone who has or knows of anyone who has that game, we are now best friends. it's official). As for the two left to be identified, they are Mr. and Mrs. Incredible (if you haven't figured that out already) or in other words the two people who must make the worlds best children. These are the Incrediebles, quiet possibly the only people that could make Nashville a bearable..err...I mean...memorable place.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

heatherkid1: all right, well, I'm going to go back to watch the game now.
heatherKid1: talk to you again soon.
gogoanya19: excellent
heatherKid1: cool.
heatherKid1: ta ta.
gogoanya19: what game?
gogoanya19: what is this?
gogoanya19: YOU'VE JOIN THE BANDWAGON!
heatherKid1: the fourth game of the world series!
gogoanya19: you are rooting for the sox aren't you?
heatherKid1: it's both of my hometowns playing -- chicago and houston. no way I can lose! LOL
gogoanya19: hahahaha
gogoanya19: good point
gogoanya19: UNLESS THE SOX WIN!
gogoanya19: what kind of cubs fan are you?
heatherKid1: If it was the Cubs, I'd be Cubs all the way, so with the Sox I can be all relaxed about it.
gogoanya19: okay
gogoanya19: but no jumping up and down if they win
gogoanya19: they being the sox
heatherKid1: I'm just practicing my cheering skills so that I'm ready when the Cubs make it next year.
heatherKid1: !!!
gogoanya19: try again.
heatherKid1: All right, so I have to go watch a bunch of good-looking male athletes play an awesome game.

Is there anything I can do about anything at all?

here is a little tip: do not put your u-pass in your coat pocket. you might sit on your coat through out the day and then when you are ready to go home and pull it out, you will notice that it is crumbled up like your p*nea's new product study guide at the bottom of your bag. plus, you will find, that it does not work and in fact gets stuck if you decide to try to use it (both times).

and if you don't follow that tip, here is another one for you: now since you didn't listen to my first tip, you now have to go down to CTA headquarters. where's that? "get off at clark and lake" oh, okay. so it's right on that corner? "oh, no. just get off there, it's on the corner of lake and clinton." so here is the tip; when someone tells you that look at a freaking map for goodness sakes, don't assume that it's within a reasonable walking distance (reasonable while lugging around your laptop).

the last tip mentioned is very important. if you don't follow that tip, something like the following might happen. you might walk from the library (where you snuck to the top floor to get pictures for your project and almost got caught <--now, that was scary), located on jackson to clark and lake. there you might stop at potbelly's, because your friend (who has no idea what he's about to get himself into) is hungry and you are quiet thirsty. while waiting for your friend to finish eating you are starting to get a little worried about time (being the time freak that you are), but relax and tell yourself, "it's only four. i have enough time." i mean you already at clark and lake, you know you are near, and your friend even reassures you with, "yeah, it's not like they close at 4:30."


so then you start walking with your laptop on one sholder (because you camera does not have a memory card and can only hold up to 22 pictures and you need to take more than that for your project) and you are trying not to aknowledge the pain of the new blisters on your heels from those dang shoes made in brazil that you got for oprah (no, nathan we didn't get anything...except AMAZING SEATS!! watch monday...i'll probably be on in the begining when she's walking out...heather, she touched my hand and if heaven has a scent it would be what oprah smells like). block after block the word crap that's resounding in the back of your head gets only louder or maybe it's your friends threat of, "Anya, I am going to hit you. Where are we? Why aren't I hitting you? Why haven't I hit you yet?" is getting louder when he realizes two things...one, that this is longer than he expected and two, though you seem like you know and you act like you know, you don't know where you are going... or maybe it's both. (here is a mini-tip: if you see lasalle and you think that means just a few blocks until you hit clinton...hahaha...you're wrong.)

after turning around to head back to state (twice) you might finally hit clinton (after you take into account the mini-tip i just gave you). so there you are at the corner and clinton and lake. there is an open parking lot on one corner. there is a parking garage on another corner. there is a torn down building on the other. and on the last corner of where lake and clinton intersect, there is NOT the CTA headquarters. this is when you might to start to become dilussional and start thinking that the el stop above you could be the headquarters. at this point you might just want to cry, but it might be better to save your tears for what might come next.

BECAUSE, next you somehow find the CTA HQ and think, "at last! how freaking long did it take us to get here!" but that happiness of actually finding the place is short lived, because that's when you decide to get in line (and with no line you just walk right up to the guy). this is when you explain your story and ask where you might go to get it fixed. then the guy might deliver the heartbreaking news. he will look at his watch and say, "hmm...well as of right now it is closed and you'll have to come back on monday." that is when you lose it (not in an angry way but in a complete state of unbelief, beweilderment of the fact that they actually close at four thirty) and your friend has to help you out of the building.

then, because you have no idea what to do or are in no state to decide how to get back you just start walking. all the while your friend is hating you and letting you know it...as in yelling at you in public. so from lake all the way back to jackson each block as you are getting closer to ending your circle around chicago, your friends anger only gets louder and stronger (and at union station he loses it, "I'M AT FREAKING UNION STATION, AN-YA! UNION. STATION.). but you are still in a state of such shock that it only makes you laugh, because well it is just THAT sad.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i jump out of the car and being full of nervous excited energy, i end up running up the driveway to the door. i knock. no answer. i wait. still no answer. i look through the windows surrounding the door and there he is looking back at me, with his hair the crazy way it always is. i almost cry; it's my vahid. he finally opens the door and i hug him and he says, "Hi, Heather," all noncholant. "HEATER!" my heart screams, "HEATHER'S NOT EVEN REAL, SHE'S JUST A FIGMENT!" But my mouth kindly lets out, "i'm not heather sillly!" he says, "oh. i know, i was just kidding [awkward pause as he tries to remember who i am but can't]." in that moment, if you were listening closely you would have heard it; the sound of my heart shattering. that name, that pause, it still tears at my heart. vahidy doesn't even know my name anymore.

--------------

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

and it's strange
they are basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse

Finally

!!OPRAH!!

(we're leaving in a few minutes, i'm so excited!)

Maybe it had something to do with walking together measuring the expressway, in the pouring rain, with our FEET

out of no where, dan (one of my architecture friends) stops cutting his cubes, turns to me and says, "Anya, can I call you onion?"

It was then that I asked myself, "how and why?"

After that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw.

An old man with no place to call his home, sits outside of Panera staring through the window. His eyes glance around the whole display and then they zero in. His eyes see what his stomach desires and right then a young man approches him and stops to talk to him. It's in this moment you see the beauty of the two as they talk about what the old man was looking at. The young man takes the time to talk and listen to an old man who, as it might seem, the rest of the world has forgotten. It's not long before the old man excitedly points at the window. And as the young man walks towards the store door to get this old man a cinniamon cruch bagel, one of the most beautiful, brightest smiles the world has seen* spreads across the old man's face.

I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel

I can love
But i need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him i never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

Bless the day he came to be
Angel's wings carried him to me
Heavenly
I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

(*excluded when Ms. Amia Allmart calls for her mama and her mama walks into the room, that my friends is THE world's most beautiful, brightest, biggest, bestest smile seen by the world, thus far)

you know you're in deep thought when...

you get off at clinton (riding on the blue line), thinking it's lasalle and you don't even realize it until you get to the top of the escalator. that's when you have to turn around and go back down (looking like an idiot) and wait for the full five minutes before another train comes.

today, really, has not been my day.

you know you are tired when...

the moment after you finish rinsing the shampoo out of your hair, you pause and think to yourself, "have i shampooed my hair yet?" then you spend the next several moments trying to convince yourself that you did.

oh, who am i kidding?

i'll just sit in the financial aids office all afternoon. it's a wednesday, why not?

it's official, beyond official, i love chicago. everytime i am forced to explore the city on my own (for sketches) i see another part of the city and all it has to offer.

and i love it.

i love walking around, i love imagining i live next to the MCA and going every tuesday to the farmers market for fresh fruit, veggies, home-made bread and gorgeous! flowers. then going for a run at the track behind the MCA...and so forth and so forth. the only thing that pulls me out of these daydreams while walking are the coffee shops. i see them and think, "and that's where i can read the paper and drink my coffee in the mornings--wait i don't drink coffee...(long paus, while thinking why i was thinking about drinking coffee at that cafe)...i don't live here." it's a rude, abrubt ending to my imaginings and at the same time a much needed one (i can get carried away, away). so i guess what i'm saying is that chicago is my kind of city and i see myself here for awhile (i don't know where else i'd go, but yeah).

woot-woot.

as for the crazyness that is my schedule, this week has been oh-so-much-better. not working on mondays have opened up much needed time to complete work and well, relax a wee-bit. but what still is frustrating is architecture. i feel that it is close to what i want to do, but not. ?? any ideas? ...anybody?

well, quite frankly i feel like i should take this moment to say how much i miss everybody these days...

first off i must say, suzanne and husayn: man, i miss you guys. yeah i know i live with you, but i never see you any more and it make me sad. i miss you guys (like seriously, for the split seconds i see you guys in the morning i just want to run up and give you guys big bear hugs, straight-up grandma lehman style).

katie and nathan: i can't wait until christmas break when we can sit on the couch at home and just laugh (at everybody..in a loving way) haha. i miss you guys SO much more than you know.

sara: oh sara, what can i say. when dad mentioned us moving to oak park together my first thought was, "oh that so is going to happen." and when the two travelers on the el remided me of two people on the amazing race i thought, "sara and i so need to do that. we would have fun, we would rock and america would love us (i mean look at us, really, how could they not?)" and when liza told me about your reaction to "the news" it sounded so like you, i could see you saying it facial expressions, hand movements and all. sara i miss you and your little (she has gotten skinny) too.

liza and brent: you live down the street, i see you as often as i eat a home-made meal (which is unhealthily few and far between). brent, i want to take you shopping. liza, i want you to come. think about it, we would have fun unlike the day that was full of all that is pathetic (even though we has a little fun that day...or as much fun as one can have on a day that was full of all that that is pathetic). oh, the servere PDA offenders came into p*nea the other day...oh that cute couple. yeah, i miss hanging out with you guys (and i'm still waiting for a happy hug!)

---sidenote: i kind of feel like i'm dying or something, but i'm not. i just miss you people----

family in b-town: i love you guys and just being home for 11 hours on saturday night was just what i needed. way to keep home, home. way to be and keep it up! i miss you guys and come decemeber i'll be home again.

luxions: we need to party, up in your house (blaring anastasia). i miss y'all!

and everyone else that i haven't seen in forever or laughed hard with in awhile or babysat in awhile...i miss you!

----------------------

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? it's too late for that
What have I become? truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

i could be "getting ahead" by reading articles for english.

i could be finishing two sections in math.

i could be starting my project for architecture.

i could be...oh crap...i should be figuring out financial aid.

(and i really wanted to post a real post for once, it's been so long. apologizes)

---------------

Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

Could it be?

My first paper since my term paper written over a year ago.

Boy. English 160, let me tell you...

nothing.

If I Were a Male, I could be One Heck of a Baller

“Sexist pigs,” I remember mumbling to myself when I was denied to play knock out with a group of boys during recess in middle school. Just because I was a girl they would not let me play with them. If only I had been a boy they would have let me join, but I was a girl and was automatically thought of as a weak player. This always infuriated me, because how was I ever suppose to get better or learn more about the game when I was always denied the chance to play? If I had been born a male, I would have been given the chance to play. If I had been born a male, I could have been one heck of a baller.

First off, let me explain what happened that day in middle school during recess. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I saw a few people lining up to play knock out. Knock out was (and still is) one of my favorite basketball games, plus it was very seldom played at recess. Due to this fact, it was very rare that I got to play this game I so enjoyed. When I saw people rounding up to play I ran and got my two other friends, Elisa and Heather, to come with me to go play. We then, all together, ran to get into line. So there we were waiting in line, waiting for our turn when one of the boys behind us started getting impatient waiting for his turn. He started with a, “there are too many people!” Then when no one paid attention to him or dropped out he decided to pick on people who he knew he could get kicked out of line; us, the girls. “Hey!” he yelled at us, “you guys leave. There are too many people playing!” We first glanced at each other and then turned around and gave him “are you kidding me” looks. He then got the rest of his friends (the other boys that were in line behind us) to gang up against us and peer pressure us out of line. They then got a hold of the ball and threatened not to play until we got out of line. “Why?” I demanded after told of their threat. They said that there were too many people. This made me even angrier. First off, there are never too many people to play knock out. There is simply no limit to the amount of people who can play. The other reason this made me mad was that even if there were too many people to play (which isn’t possible with knock out) why did we have to leave when we got into line before all the boys standing in line behind us? To be fair, if there were too many people shouldn’t the people who were at the end of the line get kicked out of the game, too? There was nothing my friends or I could do. We were three girls up against eight boys who were all joined with one purpose in mind. We gave up and left the line bitterly.

One can see that if I or my friends had been boys there would have been no problem. If people had been complaining about too many people, then the people who would have been kicked out of line would have been the people at the end of the line and not the three girls in the middle of the line. I would have been able to play that day at recess had I been a boy. The other boys would have let me play with no issues, with no groups of boys demanding that I leave. After I was allowed to play they would have seen my talent and would have invited me to play a game after school. The knock out games after school would have turned into small pick-up games, where I would have developed the street finesse one needs to become a basketball player that has that unique talent it takes to get noticed. If I had been born a boy it would have been more socially accepted to play basketball and that would have given me a better chance at exercising my interest to the fullest.

Now just imagine what my life would if I were a boy and was given the chance to explore my interests all the way. I could have been the next Kobe (minus the sex scandal), Shaq (minus the size), or Michael Jordan (minus the whole sticking out the tongue thing). I could have gotten a full ride to college, saving my parents the financial dept that involves getting a higher education. I could have been the Final Four MVP my junior and senior year, which most likely could have made me the first draft pick for the NBA. Nike, Gatorade, Wheaties and every other company could be calling me at all hours of the day throwing me unheard of contracts. This all could have been my future if I had come out (which, oddly enough, my doctor swore I would) a boy. One just never knows. If our society did not have so many gender standards, if it where so completely different then it stands now, I may have had been able to become a great basketball player, respected and known by all by being just the way I am. As our society still is the way it is, seeing girls as weak and unfit for male dominated sports, and me being a girl this could never (well at least as close to never as one can get) happen. For a girl to receive that amount of fame she would have to break through all the barriers that our society has made between the female and male athletes and that would take a lot work and chances are she wouldn’t even get recognized for all that work. Being born a boy would have given me the chance to develop my skills to their fullest potential, but being a girl prevents me from achieving that type of success as easily.

One can see that my life could have been completely different, if I had been born a boy. Or in other words, if we weren’t not forced into these gender roles that our society places so strongly on us, my life could have been different. I would never have been unfairly turned away from a game of knock out during recess. I would have had a chance to explore my interests and develop my talents to their fullest potential. All these things were deprived from me, just because I was born a girl.

Above me reads a sign, ''Use this computer for library resourses only!''

Psh, i roll my eyes at you UIC computer hidden on the the third floor of the library (whose both shift keys are broken). i roll my eyes at you.

these past three weeks have been complete crazyiness.

crazyiness : spending every second of your day either in class, doing homework, planning projects, brainstorming for papers, mapping out when you will get it all done or working, ect.

every second : the ten minutes between classes, the daily hour break between classes, waiting for the el, riding the el, walking from the el to work, half hour break at work, the hour of preparation for the next day before going to bed, and the endless hours spend tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep but unable to sleep due to so many thoughts spinning through me head (saying i'm tired right now is an understatement, i'm beyond tired that i can't sleep no matter how badly i'm craving the peace).

today on the el i noticed myself wishing i were the other people i saw around me. i wish i were going to a 9 to 5 job, where i knew what work had to be done and when it would be done. i wish i was wearing a skirt with cute shoes and nicely done hair. i wish i wasn't so tired from staying up every night working on projects and had time in the morning to shave my legs, attempt to style my hair, and put on make-up. i wish i had the freedom to go home this weekend or have no plans and could just read at the lake all day. i wish that there was someone i knew sitting next to me who i could rest my head on their shoulder. i wish i had a known break where i didn't have to do anything for two days without being screwed. that's how the thinking started and it ended with me thinking simply, ''i wish i were them.'' and that's when i stopped myself. if by wishing i were them it felt as though i was ungrateful for what i do have. the people who love me, friends and family, the experiencances i have had, the things i've gone through, all that and more felt forgotten in my mind while wishing i were these strangers i saw for no more than 25 minutes. which made me ponder, what is it inside me that lets me easily forget these blessings?

i wish i could turn it off (it being what ever it is) and just start fully appreciating what i have. then i could really experiance that in which i am experiancing and stop wasting my time blind siding myself wishing and hoping things were this way or that.

BAHHH!
i'm so not going to proof read. i'm going to bed NOw.

-------------------

There she stands
A girl before you

Changed, unchanged
What does it matter?

She should be treated the same
With kindness and respect
Not frustrationg and annoyance

When?

Did she get in your way
Offend you by what she may or may not say?

Keep pushing her away
Leave her out, let her in
Let her in, Leave her out
Keep your ever vararing distances
Do as you please

She is just a girl
That stands before you

Don't bother trying to call me on Sept. 7th at 11:00...

BECAUSE I'LL BE ON THE CORNER OF CARPENTER AND WASHINGTON WAITING IN LINE TO GET INTO HARPO STUDIOS!

!!!
I JUST GOT RESERVATIONS FOR OPRAH!!

(and i just broke into my apartment ...today is just full of excitement)

Someday I will be a Fearless Warrior

change is a coming and for once i feel i can handle it, whatever it may be. my anxiety of starting college vanished today, because i, on my own, conquered it (after all i, on my own, created it). today, i was determined to be a fearless warrior. i was going to go down to uic by myself and get done what i needed to get done and i was not going to be ashamed of being a lost freshman not knowing exactly what i was doing. and that was what i did, except what i really needed to get done (financial aid, u-pass...ect.) can't get done until next week. but i do know where stevenson hall is and that it takes a good hour on the red line to get to and from campus (both are highly valuable pieces of information, let me tell you).

for the first time i feel that i am where i need to/should be. it all feels right.

that, is one good feeling.

---------------
i can feel it in my bones
i can feel in it my feet
these are the steps i'm here to take
this is the air i'm here to breathe

this is my soul speaking clear to me
this is the place i'm suppose to be

On a Jones Soda (brought at a P*nea) Near You ...maybe

i submitted a whole bunch o' pictures of amia for the jones sodas that are sold at p*nea (the pictures on these particular jones sodas are taken by the people that work at p*nea). two of the pictures just happened to get the "STAFF PICK!" badge and will be sent to the final judges who will choose which pictures will be put on the bottles. and if you want to see them drop me a comment and i'll e-mail you to them.

i've been feeling rather lucky beyond lucky when i found this out and so when i checked the last minute availability of tickets for the oprah show i was very confident that i would be able to charm my way into getting tickets. the question this time was/is... is september 8th, 1986 a significant date to you? i pondered the question a bit and then i wrote to the oprah.com staff the following:

September 8th, 1986 was my nine month birthday. Significant? I. think. so.

Four of the Most Beautiful Words...

iced. chai. milk. shake.

(and when these words were brought to my attention did i go and get one, even though i already had a cheese danish sitting in my purse waiting to be eaten? psh. of course!)

iced. chai. milk shake.


(mentioned twice because it is THAT good)

-------------------

i dont know who it is
but it probly is fhqwhgads
i ask my friend Joe
i ask my friend Jake
they said it was fhqwhgads

i said come on fhqwhgads
i said come on fhqwhgads
who's to the limit?
say... me! i'm to the limit!
everybody come on fhqwhgads

How big is Amia?

So Big!











Happy first birthday baby girl!

you crack me up, you crack-up.

"RARE Tomato Shape!"

the first time i saw this poster, i was on my way to work. it made me laugh so much to myself, it naturally made my day and will forever be known in my world as the best poster to past on one's way to work or (really, let's be honest here) just the best poster to past while walking ever.

-----------------
Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate
Denials of your affect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
Move away you flippin' tornado
I'm better off without
Tearing my will down

Worst cashier in the world? Resent studies prove otherwise.

first off, i must give a shout out to all secret shoppers. not only does your job rock, you guys rock. more especially the two out of four that stop in at p*nea this last month (you guys really rock) both giving me a stellar score which beat the heck out of whatever else they give scores to, making me the best part of the store. did this give me a raise? no. (i asked) but surprisingly enough it did get me a shopping spree to gap. okay, so not a shopping spree but i did get a gift card. which was practically a shopping spree considering that gap (conveniently located right next door to p*nea...guess where i went right after work) is having a 60% off sale! i don't know if you are aware, but gap having a huge sale and me getting a very unexpected, not to shabby gift card deserves a hollar.



hollar.

--------------

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky