Thursday, March 30, 2006

A lesson must be lived in order to be learned.

and i think to myself, what lesson am i living?

if there is a thing called "old soul," i am most definitely a "new soul." i am an observer of sorts; always watching, listening, and absorbing other people's talks and interactions. unable to conger up the right words to describe my vivid visual thoughts, i am quite. "old souls" are known for their deep spiritual, and intellectual, insights; "new souls" are in need of strong, and patient, spiritual guidance.

i find my self living in a cycle, where suddenly, after months or years, i wake up and realize i have being living life through it's motions. as of this moment the first time i remember "waking up" was when someone once asked me, "what do you think about, what thoughts run through your head?" i thought about the question and the answer was clear, "nothing." i'm sure my friend thought that it was a joke or me just being a tease, but really it was the truth. well "the truth" scared me and was enough of a jolt to me that i had my first "awakening." what is it that i should be thinking about? which eventually developed into the question of, what am i afraid to think about? the answer was God. and so, i struggled, as i forced myself to think about God, to actually learn about this Baha'i Faith i called my own.

it was not until tonight that i feel i have a bit more understanding of why; in fact it was not until tonight that i finally had the guts to ask myself why it was i was afraid of God. tonight i decided to go down to the lake (what suzanne and i affectionately call the ocean) to say midnight prayers. it was there that i realized how far away i was sitting and thought to myself, "why is it that i am afraid of the ocean?" which reminded me of this quote:

O My Servants! My holy, My divinely ordained Revelation may be likened unto an ocean in whose depths are concealed innumerable pearls of great price, of surpassing luster. It is the duty of every seeker to bestir himself and strive to attain the shores of this ocean, so that he maym in proportion to the eagerness of his search and the efforts he hath exerted, partake of such benefits as have been pre-ordained in God's irrevocable and hidden Tablets.

and i finally asked myself why it was that i was afraid of God. (just to be clear, i did not remember not but two words from this quote, but i visualized it's meaning...or more it's meaning to me) right now, i feel that the answer i found, or more the answer i am beginning to find, is that there just may not be one answer to why and maybe its not the one answer that is important here; maybe it is the question itself that is of higher value. it is the question that got me to think.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

dream #141: become a graphic designer, making posters the rest of my life, and my offical office be a coffee shop.

would i be happy with that?

i. think. so.

(photoshop, i love you.)

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

thanks to ondemand hbo style, to a sister that has cable and a small case of insomnia i saw the first three episodes of "Big Love" last night. just in case you don't know, "Big Love" is the new hbo series about a mormon's life with his three wives and seven children. like every hbo series i have thus seen, (six feet under, sopranos, carnival, and sex and the city) i enjoy the originality of it and am intrigued to see more. while watching it though, i kept finding myself getting frustrated. three wives all fighting for their husbands attention, naturally fighting and only getting upset at one another, never really getting mad at their husband. it was as though none of them wanted to bring up issues that needed to be addressed in their relationship almost in fear of making him mad. the only wife who seemed to have the balls to say anything in a straight forward, truthful manner (not trying to manipulate him with lies) was the oldest wife. i think the hardest thing for me to watch was the women always competing with one another and how that (in a way) was keeping them oppressed (this situation i saw the most between the two younger wives). but the frustration that i got from watching wasn't a bad thing, it made me think more about balances in relationships. the only complaint with what i have seen so far is the sexual focus of the relationships between the three wives and their one husband and the lack of the other dynamics of relationships. at one point i remember thinking that "Big Love" should be renamed "Big Sex," it was so fixated on the subject. but then again it is hbo.

Garage Sale. Saturday.
I need to pay my heart's outstanding bills.
A cracked-up compass and a pocket watch,
some plastic daffodils,
the cutlery and coffee cups I stole from all-night restaurants,
a sense of wonder (only slightly used),
a year of two to haunt you in the dark,
a wage-slave forty-hour work week
(weighs a thousand kilograms, so bend you knees)
comes with a free fake smile for all your dumb demands,
the cordless razor that my father bought when I turned 17,
a puke-green sofa, the outline to a complicated dream of dignity,
and a laugh (too loud and too long).
For a place where awkward belongs,
or a phone call from far away with a "Hi, how are you today",
and a sign that recovery come to broken ones.
Or best offer.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The name's The Machine Bee, thank you!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Machine Bee
Your Superpower is Soul Sold to Devil
Your Weakness is Crystals
Your Weapon is Your Air Analyzer
Your Mode of Transportation is Cable
What's your Superhero Name?

if it weren't for dumbtimewastingyetattimesentertaining quizzes how else would i know that my superpower is Soul Sold to the Devil? I mean, if i never found that out-- well, think of how disillusioned i would have kept on living my life.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

You have your whole life ahead of you. You have a whole six years!

To me "what if.." always meant to change the past. I would think of past mistakes/situations in these terms and would end up being depressed and saddened by my failures. I would watch my past self and cridge, while thinking, "oh, anya don't." moments would replay in my head and each time i would get angry at myself. it was all backwards thinking, because now (and i don't know what has changed, but i'm a fan of whatever it is), i can look at past mistakes and, instead of getting down on myself, i can see the value of what i learned from them. And now "what if.." has become a base for dreams to form. "What if I go to grad school in savannah? what if in the furture i own my own coffee shop and work side jobs as a graphic designer? what if i become an industrial designer and get to make cool toys the rest of my life? what if i can find a way to work my dream job (to put together packages to send to people*)?" the possibilities become endless, and at times overwhelming. but that good sort of overwhelming, you know when you get so excited you just have to sit down and calm yourself. like getting to see the merkle's, for example. (aww, i miss my merkle's who i haven't see since two weeks before my birthday...which was janurary 8th! come on now, who can go that long without seeing the merkles. not me that's for sure) so, umm, yeah. i have a new way of thinking and my thoughts feel much clearer which makes me feel much more happier. now if only i knew if it were my left frontal lobe that was more at work when i'm feeling happier or my right frontal lobe, i would have aced my psychology test today. dang those psychology tests.

*if you don't get that, then you just don't know me :-)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Content and Smiling...

i am at my favorite coffee shop in evanston, where the door is open allowing a slight breeze to come in, and death cab plays overhead.

my widget weather forcaster shows a violent storm cloud, when all i see outside is bright sunshine.

i am wearing a skirt. (wearing skirts make me happy. yay for skirts!)

*not being all knowing of widgets, i first put gidgits, then remembered they started with a "w" and so wrote widgits, and then still feeling that wasn't quite right i googled it to get the right word, does anyone else do this?

UPDATE: more smiles...on my walk home from the coffee shop i could smell the rain that's about to downpour. i love, love, LOVE the smell of rain.