Monday, September 27, 2004

1936 St.

be happy.

-there is a new volunteer coming within the next two weeks
-we are only getting hit with five inches of rain and not a hurricane
-have yet to see any snakes (starting to think they are a myth)
-getting direct t.v. on thurs.
-my daddio is sending me some piano books to learn how to play piano
-get to go shopping for a birthday present for lucy
-found one of my absolute favorite cd's (the miseducation of lauryn hill) for ten bucks and bought it yesterday
-nexflix not only has movies movies but they also have all the alias seasons
-i am no longer in high school
-even though i can't hear amia's first laughs i can see her newest pictures

you see i am the queen when it come to suppressing my feelings. i can hold it all in for about a month or two before the emotions become too strong and i find myself in a tearful state. so you know when about a month ago i was all like, "uh-oh here comes the homesickness." yeah well i suppressed those feelings and now i'm starting to pay for it.

i had to make this list of things for myself because my dad made me home sick last night. first he was telling me how our house lay out is all different now and all those changes. then he went on to talk about how raizan isn't there anymore and told the story about her visiting. "she came right in and ate the apple pie and then went to work on the whipped cream." that's the dog i know. "yeah well she was all happy to see us and be home." that got me thinking...when i come home everything is going to be different and raizan won't be there to great me. my eyes teared up at that thought. then i told my dad how i was sad about that little difference, he said "oh don't worry we can arrange for raizan to be there when you come back. hey, you can even take her in all summer. you have visitation rights you know." haha THAT'S RIGHT I DO SARA!!! so that got me a little teary eyed but nothing was like when i asked about amia. dad was all, "oh yeah she's all laughing and pretty soon she'll be playing pick-a-boo." oh boy did i try to hold it in then but then i thought about what mom was saying, "she looks at you for a while now and if you start singing...oh she loves that." the tears started rollin'. i told my dad that i was now home sick because of all this. he told me to call suzanne and husayn to hear her laugh. being the dork that i am...i called suzanne and husayn. no one answered and i left the most pathetic voicemail the world has ever heard. note to self: never leave a voice mail while full on home sickness has hit. and it's not the big things like just thinking of people that get me tearin' it's those little things. like seeing someone with the same sandals suzanne has or someone saying the Blessed is the Spot prayer or watching alias without sara.

okay enough of this sad crap. there is an ice cream store down here that has all these unique and different flavors and you can add you own mix-ins. you create your own kind of ice cream. sound familiar? no it's not coldstone, it's marble slab. haha no joke. now i wonder who ripped off who?


torn and confused, wasted and used
reached the crossroad which path would i choose
stuck and frustrated, i waited debated
for something that just wasn't fated
thought i wanted was something i needed
when momma said no i just should have heeded
misled i bled till the poison was gone
and out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

Friday, September 24, 2004

are you suicidal?

only in the mornings.

get this, it is 9:55 a.m. and usually at this time i would be doing the fun stuff like uploading talk shows and such. (uploading is my favorite thing to do because then i can just sit back and read) but what i am doing is listening the parenting journal. todays parenting tip: tap your child's foot while singing them a lullaby. for the first time i am thankful that my parents listened to n.p.r. having to sit through those talk shows built up a tolerance over the years and now only having to screen thirty minute shows that resemble the shows on n.p.r. (minus the funny ones like car talk, people from minnesota have the best humor) has helped me out tons. thanks mom and dad. thanks for pretending that you are going to listen to my music and then --showing your power over me by not saying a word and-- pressing number 1 on the car radio and turning it to "90.15 National Public Radio"

thanks, the fifth.


Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have bought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead

Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease

Thursday, September 23, 2004

at last we meet for the first time for the last time

so you know how i have that thing where i can't bare to eat meat on the bone? well my friends, last night we had lamb chops. i'm not one to complain so i went placed one on my plate, took a deep breath, and started to cut it up. the problem was that it was so smoothered with this chunky gravy i couldn't see where the bone was. my first attempt to cut the lamb chop was right on the bone and made that sick bone to knife sound that makes me shudder. oh it gets worse. i went to take my first bite AND THERE WAS A BONE IN IT!!! i was so shocked by this that i checked my plate to make sure what i was eating was really a lamb chop and not some weird kind of meat they serve in the south that has bone in it that i wasn't aware existed. i think i would have cried if someone has pulled out some milk. but the worst thing of this all is that i can not get that feeling of that bone inside my mouth out of my mouth. eww. pa-tuu. (that's me spitting out the bone) pa-tuu. pa-tuu. pa-tuu.

it's like a nightmare that will not end.

a little bit of soul searching

"i've decided to do a year of service next year."

my mom: "oh really. why's that?"

"i don't know."

when i was eight i told myself that when i grew up i would be a christian. they had it easy. christians, as i saw it, had a simple religion. everyone knew their religion and they never had to go through that awkward silence that followed the question, "what? baha'i? what is that?" at least for me there was always an awkward silence, because i had no idea how to answer that question. i would finally say, "we believe in the unity of all religions and...peace." i guess since i didn't understand what i was saying no one else understood what i was saying. so by high school i would always respond, "we believe in all the prophets and then some."

how could someone who grew up a baha'i practically not know anything about it? i don't know, but it happened. or does is it "it happens"? am i the only one that struggles with growing up in a certain religion and then one day realizes i know nothing about this religion i say i believe in? no really, the only thing i knew and was sure of were the laws of the baha'i faith. other then that it was a big blur of stories and information. it was no big deal when i was little going to sunday school and not knowing anything, because i was still young and i would catch on eventually. then as middle school came i started to feel embarrassed that i didn't know the answers to the majority of the questions. sunday school to me (because i'm weird and not because that was how it really was) felt like a place i went not to be taught about the faith but a place where i was reminded about things i should already know. sort of like it was a pop quiz each time i went.

in high school i wanted to learn more. i wanted to know more about my own religion. i really wanted to go to youth retreats but the combinations of being too darn shy and being embarrassed that i didn't already know about the faith caused me not to go. if i wanted to know more why didn't i just pick up some books and do my own investigation? i don't know why i didn't do that. i tried but for whatever reason i just couldn't do it. i didn't know where to start. what book do i read first? and then not knowing where to start made me feel stupid and brought back my shame of not already knowing my own faith.

the frustration of not knowing as much as i would like about the baha'i faith became so great that taking a year off from school and doing a year of service seemed to be the best thing for me to do. so here i am. serving a cause i feel i know so little of while trying to learn all i can.


I'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
I'm sorry that after all these years
I've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
I guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
I guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am

And i don't know what it is about you
I just know it's not what it was
I don't know why red fades before blue it just does
And i don't know what it is about me
That i just can't keep still
I keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you
And maybe someday i will

I guess i never loved you quite as well
As the way you loved me
I guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am
Sorry i am
Sorry i am
Sorry i am

Saturday, September 18, 2004

and if so do you use them for good or awesome?

the sun is shining and the humidity is low. the day is good. and the question remains; what does this girl do all day besides write and read blogs? that i can answer. they assigned me to radio baha'i. there i load the daily programs, screen programs, screen music, clean, and host the 4 to 6 afternoon jazz and the 12 to 6 weekend jazz. the worst part of it all is cleaning the urinal. yuckiddy yuck. the sencond to worst thing is screen the parent's journal talk show. yawn. the best part is recording my hosting spot for the afternoon jazz. yay. and the rare delight is actually liking the music that i am screen (a rare delight that has only happened 3 1/2 out of the 20 cd's i have screened so far). woo-hoo.


1.) in the north there is no smoking in the majority of public places. this difference is very hard to adjust to. i offically declare that i hate cigaretts.

2.) in the south there are no trash cans outside of the grocery store. i never thought about it in the north, but there are public garbage cans everywhere. not so in hemingway.

3.) in the south people wave and smile to you while they are driving past you on the "highway" even though they don't know you AND even besides the fact that they just almost ran you over.

4.) and this i will never understand. in the south they still call people yankees. example, "every true yankee i know likes their grits with tons of sugar. hahahaha yankees." i would like to say (being a true "yankee" borning and raised in the chicago area) i like my grits with salt and butter thank you.

5.) in the south they put salt on their salad. i don't get it.

yesterday was the first day i started to feel more comfortable and not so shy. it's getting better. but i still can't believe that it is still september. i feel like it should be a week before thanksgiving. i miss my momma.

And it wouldn't stifle and wouldn't demean,
sweatpants and no makeup, unkempt or unclean,
you'd still be the most beautiful thing that my eyes ever see

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

gold star for me

for none of the following occuring...





or a explosion

...after doing my very first load of laundry (and secretly i loved it).

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Monday, September 13, 2004


i feel a home sickness coming on. a couple of nights ago i woke up suddenly and in my drowsiness was comforted by the sight of the bed post.

the bed post had a fuzzy towel on it and i thought it was raizan.

during the end of last summer when my dad asked me, "where are you going to school? or are you going to do a year of service?" i replied, "i. am. not. doing. a. year. of. service." and here i am at louis gregory in south carolina. i guess the guilt of one time raising my had at a retreat when asked, "how many here are going to do a year of service?" caught up with me. i remember hesitating then, too.

it's weird. before this year i really had no longing to learn about my religion. i stopped going to baha'i school during high school due to fact no other youth in the area went. i didn't like going to sunday school and having to sit in with the adults because i was embarrassed by how little i knew and by all the questions i had. i would get lost in their discussions and found it hard to keep trying to follow/understand what they were talking about. then this year i started getting tired of not knowing how to respond to, "baha'i? oh, what's that?" so i decided to go to sunday school with sara who went to the western suburbs school. for the first time i experienced the "new kid" feeling. so having dr. jay lead the youth classes was a blessing. he acted like he already knew me and his talks were great because he would always tie in real life stories/examples. plus he would always encourage questions and would clarify exactly what he meant. it was after his classes that i knew that i really did want to learn more about the faith. i wonder why it took me such a long time to want to really learn more?

my dream last night was all fast passed and everything was going along like a normal not making any sense dream. then at the very end it all slowed down and i turned around (in slow-mo) to realize i was on prairie street and i knew where i was. i saw the corner of church street and prairie st. and was taken aback that i was close to home. i felt like i had been gone on a long journey and hadn't been home in forever. as it was all sinking in that i was so close i felt some person pull on my arm and say, "come on let's go!" i thought about the party and all the new people i was going to meet. but i wasn't as excited anymore. i just wanted to go home. when i was waking up i thought i was in my room at home and was disappointed when i reminded myself i wasn't.

Got a garden of songs where i grow all my thoughts
Wish i could harvest one or two for some small talk
I'm always starving for words when you're around
Nothing on my tongue so much in my ground

Half the time i got my gaze trained on your motel door
Fourth door from the end
Rest of the time my gaze lays like a stain on the carpeted floor
If it weren't for my brain i'd go over and make friends
Too bad about my brain 'cause i'd like to make friends.

See the little song bird unable to make a sound
Even though she follows her words from town to town
We both have gardens of songs and maybe its okay
That i am speechless because i picked you this bouquet.

Friday, September 10, 2004

That was Bing & The Andrew Sisters Crosby's Is You Is or Is You Ain't. I'm your host Anya Mitchell and this is T-Jazz Saturday.

almost a week here and i have comfortably adjusted. or that is i have become content with my schedule. weird. i was told i easily adjust. i didn't realize how true that was until now. lesson one learned at LGI: some people know me better than i know myself. example my parents. it's okay you can laugh at my past beliefs of "my parents don't know me ." such a typical teenage thought i am embarrassed. so laugh, because i do. so my parents were right louhelen would have been the best place for me to go for my year of service. it's not too far from home, if there weren't any other volunteers there would at least be tons of people coming and going during the weekends, and there is organized structure there where a "little knowledge about the faith even though growing up in the faith" baha'i like me could learn a lot (a lot; not alot. dr. lebin taught me that one...i guess i did learn something in that class that i actually remembered. gasp. shocking.) from. and i'm not going to lie, once realizing this the anxiety of "oh no no no. i should have listened to my parents. i should be at louhelen" and "liza was right. i should have gone to green acre or at least applied" set in.

but as those thoughts flooded my mind the administrator said, "it is a true blessing that you are here. and for a year too! bless you." anxiety started to leave me. the other administrator went on to say, "there is a real competition between schools for volunteers. you know i went to green acre last year and they had 24 volunteers. i mean yeah i know they need more then us, but can't they send some down our way. we are lucky if we get any volunteers for long term. and when we do it's only one at a time and we feel bad for them because it gets so lonely here. we only need about four, you know two guys and two girls. there is so much to do here." anxiety was gone. yes it's true it might have been better for me to go to louhelen but they really need people here. besides doing my own investigation for a bit is what i think i really need.

i ran into my first snake skin here yesterday while running. it scared me greatly and now while walking through the lawn to my very own trailer (with three bedrooms, two baths, a kitchen, and living room all to's actually really scary and lonely) i know that the snakes are not a myth but they really are the ones making those hissing sounds i hear. i no longer take my time crossing the lawn but walk really really fast. (why not run you ask? run!!?!! i do not run for i risk trippage!! hellooo!) i'm getting rain boots so that i can cross the lawn in more ease like my first days here. (so naive was i back then) oh my goodness just thinking about rain boots makes me feel safe. i. am. getting. rain. boots. as. soon. as. i. can.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

an onion forever and always

i have come to realize that ashville, north carolina is the coolest city ever. i have fallen in love with north carolina. that state is officially on my "state where i would live" list.

in this very rural town of hemingway, south carolina i kinda feel like i'm a city girl all out of place. i don't know what is the proper way to do things. can i laugh at things that seem weird to me but are normal for everyone else or would that be considered rude here? i'm worried laughing might get me in trouble. like eating a salad for example. at lunch the other day the kid next to me (i haven't learned his name yet but he really made me laugh all afternoon) first put salt and then pepper in his salad. i was about to start laughing but then i noticed that no one else found it unusal. is it normal to put salt and pepper on your salad? is this a common behavoir that other people do and i just have not realized it? i wonder.

oh another weird thing happened. when i was introduced to the kids on sunday at devotionals the littlest one got a shocked expression on his face and said, "anya!" and then tried to hold in his laughter. later the kid who's name i have not yet learned but makes me laugh told me that he was laughing because there was a dog that just got run over named anya. then he and his cousins were all like, "yeah at first we couldn't say the dogs name so we just called it onion." i could not believe it. i did not tell them that was my nick name because i knew that was what they would call me the rest of the year. onion will never escape me.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go