Wednesday, April 18, 2007


i think for this, i might love her forever.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

don't you want me baby, don't you want ohhhhohohhhh

so guess what human league? university of michigan does want some of this! what!?? that's right. i'm starting this post with a little bit of old news. well, only two days old but after the misery of a day i had today it feels like months ago or just an excitement that lasted two point thirty four seconds.

this is my day: at sometime between 4:15 and 6:04 this morning i had a dream. the moment i realized what i was dreaming was a dream i pulled myself awake so fast--i can't even tell you. i yelled, "no, no, no, no, no!" and sank into sadness while revisiting the deep emotions i had experienced during the dream. it wasn't that the dream was sad, it was quite happy and wonderful, it was just---well, i don't think i can ever explain it to anyone. it just was what it was and in the end made me disappointed in my subconscious. stupid subconscious what do you think you are doing? ugh.

so from 6:04 to 8:50 i flipped and flopped trying to forget the dream, to forget the warm and perfectly right feeling i had before i realized it was a dream. (do people have those moments in real life? where things are right?...creepily great feeling, no?) anyways trying to use my escape (sleep) to escape that dream lead me to sleeping wayyy in, causing a decision to be made; eat breakfast or make lunch? i ate the breakfast, not thinking twice about how i don't have money to spend on five dollar lunches.

after my morning class i ran to the computer lab to look up numbers for u of m and ran into dan (yeah, dan!). he was tan and we then realized we hadn't seen each other for two weeks and then we got sad because that is what is going to be like when i leave. i checked u of m's transfer scholarships and found out that it is due tomorrow. panic mode set in quick (really quick, because at this point i was still shaking from the dream). i then proceeded to call them to find out about my options for next year. due to financial restraints, i might have to delay school for a year... so i call to figure out my options. i ask if they have one year deferments; they don't. i ask how long do i have to work/live in michigan to get in-state tuition; i can't until i'm 24. it was then i realized that there was no place to hide and call someone to cry and that i thought to myself, "this [as in uic] campus stinks, no wonder no one is happy here."

i moped up the stairs to my next class acting happy while stress eating pretzel rods...i was so hungry i ended up eating half the bag. after class, after the effect of having two options slam in my face settled in for four hours, i saw geet-street* for the first time in five days. internally, i wanted to hug her and just start crying. externally, i got all wide-eyed and happy, ran over to her and pinched her cheek and said, "she does exist!" and then i broke down with a "today is the worst day started with a dream and then i can't afford to go to u of m." like the amazing feat that she is she said, "no. anya, this is what you are going to do. take a year off. re-apply, make their feb. financial aid deadline, and work on stuff to add to your sweet portfolio. i'm pretty close to taking next year off, too. it's fine. okay, i have to go finish this and i'll see you in 25 hours. it's fine, it's going to be all right."

and with that geet gave me hope and i started to relax (a very tiny bit, i'm still feeling sick and does that to poor liver). i went back down to the computer lab and started looking up scholarships and doing what i can do until the may 1st deadline when i have to send in my non-refundable $200 acceptance deposit. can i just say, i am so sick of time. i feel like i just missed everything falling into place easily by a month or two. actually, right now taking a year off sounds very calming. but i'm still pretty sick of time.

i'm feeling pretty weird right now. i just came back from ruhi study circle ("Arising to Serve") and i can feel my spirit empowered. i walked into the study circle determined to forget about money and to focus bring the energy from this past weekend to the group. i felt like it worked and felt a lot happier than i have felt while since being in feels like a semester since i have genially laughed and was happy.

here's to long pointless, not thought-out post and the human league!


*this girl is so amazing, i can't help but be attached.