Saturday, January 29, 2005

My eyes aren't dry, because...

Matthew Mitchell is my brother and sometimes (when he remembers that he has a yahoo account and has just called me to ask me what his id and password are) he sends e-mails:

I miss you Anya.I love you.

simply that with no space in between the two sentences and no love, matt or dear anya. it has to be one of the best e-mails i have ever recieved.

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

...And she will be loved
She will be loved...

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

she will be loved? hehe, i am loved.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

If I hadn't lost Sara's phone number, I wouldn't be posting.

Last night I had a moment. It was right before dinner was served. I remember it so clearly like it was yesterday, because, well, it was yesterday. I has just explained/warned for the third time in less than ten minutes that the first batch of cookies I made were under-cooked and were more like cookie dough than cookie. And it was the third time Taraz (other person serving here) asked me, "Well, why didn't you just put them back in?" Yes, that was a very good idea. One which I thought of myself as I watched them cool, but you have to understand that the last time I made cookies half of them came out burnt due to the fact that I thought they were under-cooked, so I put them back in. Oh, and to tell you the truth, I was in an irritated mood last night and I really didn't care if the first 12 out ba-jillion cookies were not perfect. But anyways...back to the moment I had. Now the first two times he asked that I responded with a very laid back, shrug of the shoulders, "I don't know." But not this time. Oh, no. This time I responded with a full on head down, hand pressed upon my forhead responce of: "I don't know Ta-raz. I just didn't care."

Right as the words and tone of voice left my mouth I said to myself, "Oh my gosh, I sound just like... Sara." And as Sara's irritated voice of, "I don't know An-ya" resounded in my head from all those times I was annoying her with my irrelevent (in her opinion) questions, my eyes got worried (big) and everything arround me started to slow down. I. Am. Sara's. Sister.

Have you ever spent two and a half hours wrapping/decorating/putting together a package?

Yeah, me niether. I mean who has that kind of time?
Oh wait that's right,

I do.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Let's Not Lie To Ourselves

I am way too entertained just sitting at my desk waiting, fully prepared, to shoot a rubber band at whomever might pass by next.
I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Dr. Phil has a test, I took it.

And, I got a 48.

Personality test are always fun to take. Here is (so they say) Dr. Phil's:

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you..

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with..

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted......

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are....

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant


1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

I don't know how much I believe in these things. When I read the results I always think, "Sure this is how I see myself, but what about other people? Do other people see my personality? Do people see me as I see myself?" That was one of my struggles in high school. For the first three years (and most particularly the third year) I got all caught up and cared way too much about what other people thought of me. By my junior year it started to become an internal struggle. I kept acting how I thought people wanted me to act, wanted me to be. The only two places where I could completely be myself was at home and at basketball. I think that is why I liked basketball so much. Practices were the few hours while at that school where I was myself and not acting how I thought other people wanted me to be. Half-way through my junior year I got all fed up with acting like that "other person", it just wasn't me. It was harder than I thought it would be to stop acting like that "other person" and start acting like me. It was almost as though it had become a bad habit, a bad habit that didn't want to leave. But it felt Oh! So! Good! to put an end to that bad habit and made my senior year Oh! So! better. Soooo that I'm done rambling...what did you get on Dr. Phil's (so they say) test?

Oh, and this weekend I went to Charleston again. But this time I got to walk around down town and I feel in love with it's charm. When I was there it was windy, so it kind of made me feel like I was in Chicago (minus the skyscrapers). I even got to have ice cream from a Coldstone and not a Marble Slab, that really made me feel back at home.


I swear I know your face,
I wish I knew your name
I wish I could take you by the hand
If I could name it
If I could just explain it
If I could only help you,
Help you understand

I can see that you're hurting
Weighed down like a beast of burden
About to break your back.
God only knows that you're human
So what are they trying to do then
Believe me, they don't understand
That you have the weight of the world today
It's on your back
A heavy load like that is gonna hold you back
It's gonna drag you down
You know it just can't last, just can't
You know it just can't last

They thought they could use you
Push you down and abuse you
And what's so sad is you've decided to hide
All your feelings
Got more pain than you can deal with
But ask yourself how can this last

I know you have the weight of the world today
It's on your back
A heavy load like that is gonna hold you back
It's gonna drag you down
You know it just can't last, just can't
You know it just can't last

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I got mail, I got mail!!

The day is good when you get a something in the mail.

The day is great when you get a surprise something in the mail.

The day is made when you get TWO surprise somethings in the mail.

My day was made today!! It was as though Santa forgot that I was Baha'i and accidently came to my house and left me a christmas tree with two gifts under it.

One package was from my grandma, who sends the packages of all packages (and if you want to challenge her I volunteer to be the judge...please send all packages to 1313 Williams Hill Rd. Hemingway, South Carolina 29554--oh and good. luck.) I ask you, does your Grandma send you (among other things, LOTS of other things) cowtails, ginger snaps, AND chocolate cocoa from caribou coffee? PLUS, chocolate candies that have questions in their wrappers? I am blessed, people. I. Am. Blessed. The other package was a birthday gift from a friend which included one of the best birthday cards I've ever gotten (and ever made by nice R.A.K. productions) and (among other things) a big jar of tootsie rolls...mmm. Oh boy, I am ecstatic.

And now I ask you...

How many of the eight Ivy League schools are located in New England?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Here I am

I am now half-way through my service here. Yes, I'm coming home early. Among other reasons, I must get home and start saving money for college. Hopefully that college is UIC, but really who knows. For my first three months here it was really nice having a whole trailer to myself and living completely alone. But since I've come back from home, it's just terribly lonesome and it bothers me. Maybe it has to do with my lack of creativity (in other words lack of not wanting to do anything) or the fact that last night I was so sure someone was in there with me that I laid awake frozen on my side too scared to look up or move in fear that if I did convince myself to move and look up there would be someone there. I have never experienced fear like that. I was planning on getting up early to start running again, but I didn't. That feeling of fear had been so strong and intense all night long, I couldn't tell myself that I was just being stupid and that it was safe to go running. I guess I just really miss having a bunch of people around. Growing up with a cramped living environment and people constantly around, I don't feel I need this much space or this much time to myself (which is the majority of the day). I don't know, I just feel like I should be doing more. I came all prepared to be constantly busy with maintenace work or stuff like that, but I'm doing the opposite. I guess I just feel frustrated because my time being active is way, way, way less compared to the time I am inactive (sidenote:and frustrated because I'm not one of those ambitious/leader personalities that creates their own direction/motivation and has all the confidence in the know one of those people, I am most certainly not). And what do I do to fill up all that time by myself? I keep trying to think of/find things in my head but I keep hitting walls. "I could do this--no, that doesn't work because..."


This is weird, but this all makes me really miss being in school. Where I am constantly learning and keeping my mind active. My mind now feels like a big puddle of mush and it's such a yucky feeling. My friend, Karen, was telling me how she was dreading taking math for her upcoming semester and I was all, "Oh! I'll do it for you! Just send me your stuff!" Though I was joking, I still got a little excited about being able to do her homework. I mean I got excited thinking about doing a math problem! Which naturally led me to thinking about all those complex ca-zillion step calculus problems, which got me a little more excited. Oh, math if you only knew how much I secretly love(d) you.


The sky is grey
The sand is grey
And the ocean is grey

What kind of paradise am i looking for?
I've got everything i want and still i want more
Maybe some tiny shiny key
Will wash up on the shore

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

it's my birthday! bite me.

i haven't been one to post much and i'm sorry to all those who check this daily, but i'm kind of in a funk right now and i don't feel much like writing. but my birthday was on saturday and i DYED MY HAIR BRILLIANT BORDEAUX!

okay, i lie. i didn't dye my hair, i talked to liza for 45 minutes about how much alias sucks this year (which could have gone on forever but i was called to lunch), went canoeing and ate pork chops for dinner. i wish there wasn't so much meat here. i wish that i could post pictures. but back to my point; i went canoeing.

we went right after we got out the studio around 4:45, so it was right around sun set. but it was an ugly day and the sky was all grey with no sun, so i didn't bring my new best friend with me (my digital camera i got for my birthday, how i love the thing). before we went canoeing we had to carry the large canoe out to the lake. unfortunately for me, red ants decided to make the canoe their winter home. yes, on my birthday i had ants in my pants... and in my shirt and up my arm and on my feet and everywhere else they thought it would be fun to bite me. once i was able to control my yelping i climbed into the canoe to enjoy the ride and the sun set. as i watched the sky turn bright orange-pink, i learned something new about south carolina. EVEN IN JANUARY MOSQUITOES EXIST! i was then attacked by every surviving mosquito alive. and they bit so hard that i now have scars. mosquitoes scarred me on my birthday. but this is not where the canoeing story starts. this canoeing story starts when the canoeing was about to end. please excuse all the following caps.

as taraz (the other person serving here, who by the way managed not to get bitten by red ants or mosquitoes) stepped off the canoe he ended up pushing out the canoe. with me still in it. this wasn't a big deal except for the fact that HE WAS STILL HOLDING THE ONE AND ONLY PADDLE AS I GRACEFULLY DRIFTED AWAY FROM THE SHORE! but that, that was not a big deal until when he went to throw the paddle to me HE MISSED! this, my dear friends, is when i panicked. my arms became my paddles as i desperately tried to reach the shore. well, as it turns out, my arms didn't get me far but they did create enough waves so that the paddle got shore. this is when he attempted, yes attempted, to throw the paddle to me again and FAILED. again. "TARAZ!!" i screamed in pure disappointment and disbelief. this is when the images of me just floating away into the middle of the lake (on my birthday mind you) and being stuck there until who knows when flashed into my head. there was only one thing left to do before i drifted too far out.

"jump. in. and get the paddle."


And my little pink heart
Is on its little brown raft
Floating out to sea

Thursday, January 06, 2005

as i promised.

i am back at L.G.I. i can't believe i missed the snow back in chicago by one day. well, actually it was more like by a couple of hours. i'm pretty sure my flight was the last flight out of o'hare without a delay. since i got to the airport by five the lady put me on the six o'clock flight instead of the one at seven. thank you mrs. northwest airline lady, thank you.

the last three weeks at home went by so quickly it's hard for me to believe i was even home. i keep thinking, "was that just an amazing dream?" i find myself having a hard time readjusting back to being here. i don't know if it's just hard or if it's just that i don't want to. i'm struggling to find things to do that hold my interest or things that i feel energize or encouraged to do.

but hey, my birthday is in two and half days! i must work out a ride to a chinese place or little ceasers. each year for my birthday i have chinese, but i remember one year we got little ceasers. so i must have one or the other on my birthday or else it just won't feel right, especially without any friends or family around. oh which reminds me...does anyone want to send me the scare mitch project, someone little this way comes, or/and the day night entered my life for my birthday? i'll send them right back, promise. okay i think i'm going to go make taraz some of my buckeyes. i'm healthily obsessed with making buckeyes.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

always the bridesmaid, never the butcher

a year ago today (minus or plus a couple of days) someone other than me called my sister katie smackdab.

that was the first sign.

then whenever katie came over she was going on the computer (checking mail) more than me, which was a lot at that time. i mean it was an obsession i thankfully grew out of...maybe.

anyways, that was the red flag.

yesterday that someone (nathan) married my sister. smackdab is married.

let me say it again.

smack.dab. is. mar.ried.

do you know what that means?

smackdab. is. married.

let's take a moment. (for the obvious reasons and for the fact that my bladder is about to explode, but don't think about that last's kinda personal)

that was a good moment wasn't it? i think so. and i have to say that i'm excited to have and to get to know a new, fully deserving of my sister brother in-law. (way to be nathan, way to be.)


these past three weeks have flown by. it was so nice to be home and i just want to stay. can you be too in love with your family? if so, i think i am. there is a quote in the writings were it talks about how you can spend every second thanking God and it still wouldn't be enough for all He does for/gives us. Which makes absolute perfect sense, especially when i think about how thankful i am for my family and my friends.


for all those who read and haven't seen me these past weeks (i don't think there are such people) i chopped off my hair. i mean not me but the very nice hairdresser at Ulta 3 did. it's gone, gone, gone. i'm talking chin length, bangs and all. all gone. i look four years older. i don't know if that is a good thing, because i started off looking five years older before my haircut. which would mean i now look nine years older than i am. is that a good thing? well, not for sara. at the wedding (aww katie and nathan are married! they got a marriage license!) someone, while sara was standing next to me, asked me, "so are you the oldest mitchell sister?" Nope, I'm the youngest.

now that i look like i'm nine years older and my sister just got married i've have been added as an possible answer to the, "soooo...who's next?" question. okay people, let's think about this particular question and all questions like it that are related to it. really, what is the point of these types of questions? trying to ruin the fun of celebrating others happiness? cause depression? make you feel that if you don't get married you can never ever be happy? AS THOUGH GIRLS DON'T ALREADY DREAM ABOUT THEIR WEDDING DAY OR THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING ALONE FOREVER ENOUGH ON THEIR OWN. (oh and let it be known that i seriously want to be purposed with, "let's get mawried. let's get a mawriage license." you think i'm joking. i. am. not.) oh and let us make it clear that those questions didn't bother me this time because one, i'm like 18 and two, the surprise of being asked such questions distracted any thinking of what does that question mean? but i can imagine how those questions could be annoying in the future or that how they are already annoying some people. besides, what am i suppose to say to those questions?

already married guest at wedding: when are you getting married?

me: i'm thinking like sometime around June 5, 2009. or maybe just sometime after i start dating him.
already married guest at wedding: who's turn it is next?

me (waving my hand in the air): ME!!

what is the point of those questions?

umm...and if you are going to give a mom answer YOUR MISSING THE POINT!


Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?