Wednesday, March 30, 2005

If I wanted to eat something that your thumb touched I would have had the inside of your ear!

Hemingway, South Carolina to Chicago, Illinois.

Let me tell you, that is one big shocker to my system. i'm talking seeing a new face during the day is no longer considered an event, buildings right next to each other (and not all the buildings are churches), and cars parked all the way down the road.

to get from batavia to evanston you have to drive along the lakeshore. there is something about the chicago skyline that makes me feel at home. there are two times when i saw the skyline, both from a plane that I will never forget. the first one i saw coming in from colorado. it was the first time i was traveling alone and it was the second plane trip ever in my life. i woke up the morning of my flight only to find out i had gotten food poisoning the night before. it was a miserable trip, but when the plane finally reached O'hare and i saw the chicago skyline i knew i was finally home. the second time was during spring break when my plane took off right at sunset when the whole sky was lit in bright orange and yellow and created a silhouette of chicago. i'm in love with a city that only being an hour's train trip away all my life, i've barely visited. i'm excited to finally get to know this city for real.

anyways, i'm at the allmarts (i've just realized that just putting the allmart's is much faster than always typing out suzanne, husayn, and amia). i'm sitting here hoping that i find a job in the area, because i'm pretty sure that after tomorrow when i walk around Evanston i will have become attached. and if-- i sure hope not, but still--IF there are no open jobs and i have to go back to batavia, you better believe i'll be up here every weekend...or so.

Welcome to the real world.

here is a well known fact; i can not sing. the reason for this goes back to my early days. the days spent screaming and yelling, showing my frustrationg the only way i knew how. why was i like that, why did i always seem to be upset and angry? but then it hit me today as my dad and i were going through college plans. i am easily overwhelmed. today, though, i seemed to grow up. don't get me wrong i still wanted to start crying and go back to my three year old ways, but i didn't and took it all in slowly. trying despreatly not to freak out. i managed to pull it off and felt proud of myself. if only it were that easy not to freak out in the inside. so, please excuse this freak out. additional cost just keep popping into my head every 3.12 seconds, making it hard to think, listen, or write. books, down payment of tuition, down payment of room and board (if i take their room and board), food, laundry, and if i live with suz, hus, and ami all that minus room and board plus rent, car down payment, car monthly payments, gas, and insurance. do you know how much insurance is for chicago, especially if it's for the uic area near the projects? well, i don't but i can't imagine it's cheap. then on top of it all architecture students need a super laptop for it's super memory and super speed to run autocad. oh and they have to buy autocad. autocad cost (when you find a really really good sale) some where around $345 (that is $345 for a licence for one year). that's not all, there is about three more costly computer programs to buy if you want what you need for architecture program. imagine i just said that in five seconds without taking a breath, does that give you an idea of my head?

which makes me think; is it all worth it? not college, but architecture. i had my reservations before this "seeing the real numbers for college" inside meltdown. i hung onto that dream of becoming an architecture when one of my sisters said to me, "oh, i used to want to be an architect when i was your age. you'll grow out of it" and my i told my stubborn self, "it is. not. a phase." i became determind for my then dream to become an architect not to be "just a phase." i guess that says it all. it's hard for me to let go of things, real hard, but it was a pretend dream or more like a security dream i used to protect myself from becoming overwhelmed with not knowing what i will be when i'm all "grown up." so, umm...

UIC thank you for accepting me twice into your architect program, but do you think that when i come knocking at your door (say 'round late november) you could show a girl some mercy and tell her she can transfer to your design program?

(sometimes being a refactory onion can just kick you in the butt. i just had to be born in the year of the ox.)


one bright morning, when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

When The shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away
I'll fly away

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Home at last, Home at last.

today i woke up and was home.

today i woke up and turned around. do you know who was there? sweet baby amia.

today amia and i patty caked and marked it with an "A" for Amia and Anya, ate oatmeal together, danced, chased the cat, and took a walk around the block (which resulted in her falling asleeping in my arms as she was looking down talking to our shadows, mid-babble she passed out if that doesn't get an aww out of you, i'm afraid you are heartless). at the end of the day i knew she actually liked me because she tried to stick her little finger up my nose. which i personally think is her way of saying, "yeah? how do you like it when i try to wipe your boogers away tia anya? " because she would giggle whenever i pulled my face away, acting like she does when i go to wipe her nose.

i apologize, i just got off the phone with katie (as in the sister i haven't seen since her wedding in JANUARY and won't be seeing until JUNE) and i talked to her about everything i was going to blog about. my eyes are almost closed (because when i woke up and turned around and found amia, it was 6:05 a.m. as in A.M. in the morning). also my dad actually brought and now owns dvds and one of these dvds is the incredibles, a movie i've been trying to watch all day.


i'm home.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

After one week in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

my head is going crazy. so much to do. okay, no, not so much to do. i could end up packing everything tommorrow night, but i have this crazy side of me that loves to pack and loves to make sure (and know) everything is in place that i can't wait until last minute or else my head would explode. no joke, i have this huge tension headach right now thinking about packing and the only way to make it feel better is to do a little packing. must remember battery charger on the bookcase, don't let me forget my battery charger.

last weekend we were invited to a fancy Naw-Ruz party in north carolina. the food was good. the company was good. and the place was beautiful (you know, i really like what i have seen from north carolina. it's hilly, but not too hilly. plus, the air seems fresher and crisper. oh, and there are people around). i even got to stay with gordon who had adopted me way back in october at peace feast. he made me some of the best blueberry pancakes i've ever had (he used to be a fireman in oakland california and he knows how to make pancakes). the first thing he asked me was, "Anya! did you bring your sneakers?" the last time we visited him i was wearing my senior night basketball shirt from last year and he got all excited that i played and thought it would be fun for me to team up with him to play against his two step-sons. unfortunally i didn't, because as i packed for the fancy dancy party i ran out of room for sneakers. "Mannn, i'm ready to run to walmart to buy you a pair."

we weren't going to play but then (when i was eating my blueberry pancakes) as gordon was telling andrew (his step-son) how lucky he was that i forgot my sneakers, because now he wouldn't have to get his butt kicked by a girl, andrew gave a very unpleasant "yeah, right" look. when i saw that look i thought...he's just asking for it (and, man! these pancakes are good). i then turned to gordon and said, "gordon let's go to walmart."

i hadn't played a basketball game in a year. i hadn't touched a ball in months. much of that due to a great fear of my arm coming out again, but this weekend i just told myself "Anya, your insurance card is in your orange wallet, you haven't been to the hospital in a while and a visit is way overdue. why not just try, have some fun, and see what happens." and do you know what happened? an almost sixty year old man and a girl who hasn't played a game in a year kicked the rumps of those two "yeaah, right" looker givers. and it felt great, not to win (though that wasn't bad either), but to actually play again. oh basketball how i have missed you.

you know what i finally realized this weekend? i love basketball. i love to watch it. i love when i have dreams about it and i really love to play it. you would think i would have had this revelation earlier, like sometime during the last nine years when i actually played the sport, for real, for a team. i suppose when it comes to me realizing i love things, it just takes me time.

hey! you know what else i just realized...i get to see mi masha y mi fasha tomasha!

Hour follows hour
Like water follows water
Everything is governed by the rule
Of one thing leads to another
You can't really place blame
Cuz blame is much to messy
Some was bound to get on you
While you were tryin to put it on me
And don't fool yourself
Into thinking things are simple
Nobody's lying still the stories don't line up
Why do you try to hold on
To what you'll never get a hold on
You wouldn't try to put the ocean
In a paper cup

Maybe the moral higher ground
Ain't as high as it seems
Maybe we are both good people
Done some bad things
I just hope it was okay
I know it wasn't perfect
I hope in the end we can laugh
And say it was all worth it

I guess i just wanted you to see
That it was all worth it to me

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

i. will. be. home. in one week and two days.

let me say that again.











i've tried to imagine what it would be like if i hadn't got to go home in december. i imagine i would have been home last month. don't get me wrong things here aren't really all that bad (even though from my complaining that's not what it sounds like). it's just all so isolating and i can only take so much isolation. plus, have you read all the stories of sweet baby amia lately? oh my gosh. how can someone who knows that they are going to be living with her (who has not seen her for THREE months. i don't know if you know this but babies grow a lot in THREE months), not want to get there as soon as possible? okay so i know i mention amia every other post, but umm... have you seen her? have you met her?

complete randomness here, but you know what i haven't done in awhile? laughed so hard i couldn't breathe. i mean you can only laugh so hard and so long when you're by yourself.


it's not what you look like
when your doing what you're doing
it's what you're doing
when you're doing
what you look like you're doing


express yourself.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

it's March 12th, do you know how i'm getting home?

the orginal plan of operation: anyapickup.

-ma and pa come to pick me up on their spring break. straight here, straight back.

so i guess it is completely fair to say that before my family does something they like to think of ALL the options. the recent revised plans for operation: anyapickup. are as follows (in order of developement)...

-ma, pa, suzanne, and amia come to pick me up (only problem sweet baby girl ain't no fan of her car seat)

-liza and brent borrow ma and pa's car to swing by to pick me up on their way back from virginia (that is IF they go to viginia)

-ma, pa, sara, dan, matt, suz, and amia borrow big vehicle and all come to pick me up (same problem as before; baby girl don't. like. her. car. seat. and when she finds out that she had to be in her carseat for that long because of me, well she might never forgive me)

-ma and sara come to pick me up (that way pa doesn't have to take off work he didn't think he had)

-the luxion family comes out here for their spring break to pick me up

-liza and brent swing by raleigh, nc on the 21st to pick me up (IF they go to virginia)

-a big mix of the luxions, mitchells, and allmarts come to pick me up (IF negotiations go well on saturday evening)

and here is one that i'm just throwing out there:

-the big mix of luxions, mitchells, allmarts and...merkles (!!) all for their spring breaks swing by kansas (fighting off the mountain lions and shoulder tapping kindergardners), pick up the bishops, swing by virginia, pick up liza and brent (if they are in virginia), drive down to south carolina (put your hands up!), finally pick up me AND my tons o' stuff, drive back to chicago area (swing by and pick up liza and brent in urbana IF they didn't go to virginia), go the the mitchell house, have one big extravaganza (party mitchell-style, you know how we do it), and eat el taco grande (since my parent's refuse to fedEx me one. i love you, too mom and dad. i love you too.) for dinner.

hmm, sounds good to me.

so i guess what i'm saying is...there are many ways of me getting home. you guys talk about it, figure it out, and let be know. whatever way works, because heck! (some way, some how) this month i'm coming home!

yeahh baby!


I'm sittin' in the railway station
Got a ticket for my destination
On a tour of one night stands
My suitcase and guitar in hand
And every stop is neatly planned
For a poet and a one man band

Homeward bound
I wish i was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Everyday's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines
And each town looks the same to me
The movies and the factories
And every stranger's face i see
Reminds me that i long to be

Homeward bound
wish i was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Tonight i'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptyness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound
I wish i was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me
Silently for me
Silently for me

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

chasing a ghost of a good thing, haunting your self as the real thing

two questions.

1.) do you think my mom would fedEx me a veggie burrito from el taco grande?


2.) do you think it would still be good to eat when i got it?

man, fasting. it makes these questions serious, do you think i could get her do it?

Saturday, March 05, 2005

aattt last.

U.I.C. has finally replied.

drum roll please...(dadadadaddadaa DA!)

I'M IN! woo-hoo, one less thing to worry about. and this i was just starting to get really worried about, because last year i heard from them a lot earlier. i must say this year they got their acceptance letter down. last year they just sent a small envelope with one letter that told you "Congrats you're in" and another telling you what to do to register for placement tests. that's it. but this year, THIS year they sent out a whole big package complete with a "Congrats, you're in" letter and information about registration, housing, finacial aid, and everything else you need to know. U.I.C. i am proud of the growth you have shown me in just a year. i. am. impressed. (which is one of the biggest compliments that someone could get from me, because i am one. hard. girl. to impress)

i got into uic, i'm going home at the end of the month, and i get to live with the allmarts (which means unlimited babysitting for amia!!! <-- is there anything better than that? i don't think so). i don't know, everything feels right. but as for now i'm going to go run in the pouring down rain (which is one of my favorite things to do) back to my trailor.

i love it when it pours.


There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are given
It's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know
How long to stay and when to go

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

to answer your question, dooce...

to be a true dork (like myself) you can't just have an embarrassing moment, ye must have embarrassing momentS. here are a few of my most embarrassing momentS:

the first story comes to you from Operation: Prom 2004. it was the friday before prom and my school not only had plastered posters of the risk of drunk driving two feet apart all around the school, they also had an assembly for all the juniors and seniors. an assembly in which an e.r. doctor, e.r. nurse, and police officer came in to talk about their experiences with drunk driving and to show the results and tragides that could happen if you choose to drink and drive on prom. before this assembly i had made it through almost four years of high school without any embarrassing moments that the whole school knew about. i had come so close, so close. it was at this assembly where i sat in the front row, my first mistake. when the doctor started saying, "i know you drink! your parents, you friends, everyone drinks!" i knew whatever his message, it wasn't for me. i don't drink, my parent's don't drink, not everyone drinks. so as i lost interest in his speech i started scanning across the gym for friends, my second mistake. Unfortunately for me, i found karen and riane. first we excitedly waved to each other, like dorks, and then tried to communicate across the gym, like idiots. we were failing at communicating to each other, i thought they were asking me if i was going to their track meet while what they were actually asking me was to run across the gym to go sit with them. naturally, we started laughing at our mis-communication. that was when bryson (sitting to the left of me) whispered, "Anya. Anya! i think he's coming over here." Sure enough the doctor was walking towards me saying, "Excuse me." i didn't hear him the first time. "Excuse me. Are you having trouble hearing me?" I couldn't believe what was happening and i gave out a quiet shameful, "no." When what i really wanted to say was, "i. don't. drink. i'm. not. going. to. prom. i'm only here to get out of class. oh and if it weren't for me, YOU WOULDN'T GET PAID!!*" (*that is in reference to just how many times i have gone to the e.r.) He then went on with his speech as my face turned the reddest of red it has ever turned for the whole other side of the gym to see, for the whole other side of the school to see. i couldn't move for at least five minutes to insure he wasn't still watching me, ready to single me out again.

so for five minutes i had to desperately hold in my laughter (the longest time i have ever had to hold in laughter in my life!). i finally aloud myself to turn to bryson and we just burst into laughter, without smiling still in fear that he would turn and yell at me again. then lucy (sitting to the right of me) turn around and said, "i think he was yelling at us. what the heck?" at first i was like, "yeah, i know." but then i told her what happened and she rolled her eyes and called me a dork. after ten minutes i finally glanced up at riane and karen, who were huddled close together waiting for me to look at them. i had to look down right away, as i started laughing again. for the rest of the day people were coming up to me telling how hilarioulsy funny they thought it was or how they (the people that were sitting behind me who didn't know who he was yelling at) thought he was yelling at them. it seemed that everyone just found it funny and i didn't really feel bad about being rude and not paying attention until i got to fourth block with dr. lebin and she wanted to talk about the assembly. one person across the room, who had sat next to me in another class and who was apart of a group of us talking about the doctor yelling at me, raised there hand and said, "well, i just think that it is really rude for people not to pay attention. i mean, it's fine if you talk a little with the person next to you, but it's rude when people, while someone who our school invited to talk to us, is talking across the room to their friends and then they laugh about it." that. hurt. and a little bit of me felt bad. but then someone behind me asked, "hey, anya did the doctor yell at you?" i gave a sheepish, "yeah." then we started laughing about it. "your face turned so red!"

this next story is just pure embarrassment, where my dad's temper brings out the insanity in me.

you know those beyond annoying parents at sporting events; who sit on the sidelines or in the bleachers, who are constantly yelling at the refs and coaches, who always find something (no matter how trivial) to be outraged about, you know those parents. well, no one (and i mean no. one.) dislikes those parents or spectators more than my father and i. during one of my basketball games during freshman year, there was one of these parents in the crowd. the game was close and when games are close these types of people become more passionate about whatever thing they are complaining about. there were eight seconds left in the game and my coach called a time out. all i could hear was the guy yelling about his nonsense and i guess i just couldn't take it anymore, because right then i looked up at the crowd (of maybe five people, because it was a saturday morning freshman girls basketball game) and yelled at him, "IT'S JUST A FRESHMAN GAME!" my coach, tory, just looked at me in great shock. probably thinking, "anya yells at people?" he didn't know what to do. he just looked at me, bewildered. once the shock wore off, he benched me for the rest of the game (the whole eight seconds left in the game).

this third embarrassing moment has to do with me rushing to caught up with a friend at the movie theater, running into an old lady, losing my balance, and falling to the floor. this was of course, in front of every person waiting in line to get tickets and every person just about to exit the theater. oh wait, it went more like this: losing my balance, falling on top of the red rope lines, falling to the floor, and watching the polls that hold the red ropes fall on top of me. trust me, only a true dork is capable of being able to laugh throughout a whole thing like that.

this fourth story, i'm not telling you. it's just way to0 embarrassing. just know that yes, i have been skiing.