Thursday, December 29, 2005

a post with alot of me, myself, and i's

way back when i moved into evanston, i went to a women's night with my sister suzanne. and there a women gave a talk about her recent stay in hawaii, when she went to just get away and re-group. after her incredible story of stength and faith, she asked us to write down something we each individually were struggling with. after a few moments, after not really thinking about it, i scribbled down "direction" on my piece of paper.

i'm struggling with direction; WHERE am i going? WHEN am i going to get there? ...HOW am i going to get there? are a few questions that are running thorugh my head. i'm currently switching my major from architecture to art and design. i've just wasted a semester, which has resulted into a year, of trying to pretend and hold onto architecture as my desired career path. why? i knew that architecture wasn't what i wanted, i had no passion for it. i knew that architecture lacked the majority of the type of creativity i love to play with and create. so why did i try to pretend to want something i knew i did not want?

while growing up the majority of my frustration stemmed from not being able to make decisions. i remember destinctly standing at a vending machine on our way up to michigan, just staring at the candy inside. did i want the peanut butter m&m's or the regular m&m's? did i want a pack of gum? a bag of chips? malt balls? panic grew inside me, "what do i want!?" then my mom and sister sara tried helping me decide. "well, what are you in the mood for anya?" they kept asking me. i could not decide, i did not want to get one thing and find that that was not what i wanted. i didn't want to make a mistake. the frustration grew too big and the panic ended up overwhelming me, so i just walked away.

my lack of direction and inablilty to make decisions go hand in hand. i never thought i'd be here. when imagining my future self i always passed over the college years and went straight into picturing life that followed college. my family, my career, ect. even that was fuzzy and just silly girlish imaginings (which i guess any furture imaginings of yourself are). i couldn't create direction for myself, because that would mean i would have to decide what that direction would be. i didn't know where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do. possibilities and options were/are endless. i wanted someone to come and tell me, "anya you have to be blankyadiblank" or "anya, you have to go into blankyadiblank." i just wanted for someone to tell me where to go, so i wouldn't have to decide myself. and i guess it all comes down to fear. fearing i will make a mistake, fearing to create realistic dreams and set goals. fearing to fail, fearing to get hurt. but isn't that life? you only learn from failures. it's not as though you fail, that's it. it's over. there, that's the backward mindset i've been thinking in. i'm afraid to try, because i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid let myself get attachted or excited about things that aren't difinate.

then i start thinking, on the other hand. i'm not that afraid, i know what will happen will happen. what will be, will be. there is a reason for everything, and sooner or later you might find out why...or you may not. i beilieve in God. i put my trust in God. so why should i be fearful? maybe there inlies the problem. maybe before i didn't really put my trust in God and instead invested more in fear.

oh fear, you nasty little thing.


Measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare,
the time it takes to get from here to there.
My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free;
I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely.
I am so much better than I used to be.

Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
And drowning in the pools of other lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty.
Armed with every precious failure, and amateur cartography,
I breathe in deep before I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it feels okay.

And I'm leaving. Wave goodbye.
And I'm losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember.
Sing my imperfect offering

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Forest of Illusion

since the library is out of sapranos season three, i have filled that time with playing super mario world. i now know what i was missing out on (our family never had nintendo, and when we went to visit our cousins in ohio..who had nintendo..only my older sisters got to play).

life. is. grand.

UPDATE: i am currently stuck in the forest of illusion, all paths have become circles. what thing did i miss in what level?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

When you never hear it, then on top of that you barely feel gets lost.

the following isn't funny, nor is it suppose to be.

i feel like a greasy schmuck, who's in great need of a "refreshed" spirit. almost as much as this sememster killed me, this transition from trying to do everything all at once all the time to having absolutely nothing to do, is almost too much for me to handle. besides the sopranos (only for half an episode), nothing caughtes my interest. no, it's more like nothing holds my interest. forms of entertainment feel empty (minus ice skating and sledding), i feel restless and impatient. i can't figure out all of what is involved with this unexpected switch in mood or more importantly (well, maybe not more importantly) what's going to pull me out of it.

"Now, and for a long time, the best way she knew to settle her mind was to run. Sometimes she felt that the meditative state of the long, quiet miles helped her think. Sometimes she felt that the pure exhaustion helped her not think. Sometimes she beileved that she was running toward some sort of resolution, and other times she knew she was just plain running away. Still, it was what she did."

too bad i live in chicago, and it's currently negavtive degrees out (without the windchill).


I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i've said too much
I'm afraid of who has heard me

I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i can never say enough
I'm afraid no one has heard me

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

where was on the weekends this semester? i was wondering all over chicago sketching in my notebook. here are some of my favorites from the whole semester. you'd think i'd have more, but then you'd look in my sketchbook and then you'd understand. (there is a green strip because this is a copy of a page of my portfolio...and i was going to post my whole portfolio to show you what i've been doing while living in studio, but it's oh so much better when you flip through the real thing yourself)

this one is my personal favorite, for personal reasons. i first saw this man playing his violin i was waiting for the el at jackson and he instantly reminded me of my grandpa. this, naturally, made me happy and for whatever reason i just wanted a picture of him sitting there playing his violin. but by the time i pulled out my camera, the train was in front of me and i had to go. then about two weeks later for architecture we went to the art institute for a field trip and there he was playing right out in front of it. that's when i got the chance to sketch him.


There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I finally drove out where the sky is dark enough to see stars







i roll over in my bed.


i then pull her up into my bed and she quickly says, "In!" and i raise my blankets for her to crawl into bed with me. "elie-phant! in," and i throw in the elephant (sorry liza, still haven't found it...and don't bother coming over to look for it when we find it we'll let you know). as i listen to her giggle under the covers i think to myself, "this is the single most absolute best way to wake up," and i get a moment that puts into perspective of what true happiness really is.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

How to start a break off right.

i just finished watching the first season of the sopranos. husayn got me hooked after turning it on during thanksgiving and now, now i'm crazy about it. i'm renting the second season tomorrow (thank goodness for libraries and their hidden vhs' in the back corner)

i can tell, already, that this is going to a one good winter break.


I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling
An earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows