Thursday, September 29, 2005

Maybe it had something to do with walking together measuring the expressway, in the pouring rain, with our FEET

out of no where, dan (one of my architecture friends) stops cutting his cubes, turns to me and says, "Anya, can I call you onion?"

It was then that I asked myself, "how and why?"

Saturday, September 24, 2005

After that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw.

An old man with no place to call his home, sits outside of Panera staring through the window. His eyes glance around the whole display and then they zero in. His eyes see what his stomach desires and right then a young man approches him and stops to talk to him. It's in this moment you see the beauty of the two as they talk about what the old man was looking at. The young man takes the time to talk and listen to an old man who, as it might seem, the rest of the world has forgotten. It's not long before the old man excitedly points at the window. And as the young man walks towards the store door to get this old man a cinniamon cruch bagel, one of the most beautiful, brightest smiles the world has seen* spreads across the old man's face.

I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel

I can love
But i need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him i never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

Bless the day he came to be
Angel's wings carried him to me
I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

(*excluded when Ms. Amia Allmart calls for her mama and her mama walks into the room, that my friends is THE world's most beautiful, brightest, biggest, bestest smile seen by the world, thus far)

Thursday, September 22, 2005

you know you're in deep thought when...

you get off at clinton (riding on the blue line), thinking it's lasalle and you don't even realize it until you get to the top of the escalator. that's when you have to turn around and go back down (looking like an idiot) and wait for the full five minutes before another train comes.

today, really, has not been my day.

you know you are tired when...

the moment after you finish rinsing the shampoo out of your hair, you pause and think to yourself, "have i shampooed my hair yet?" then you spend the next several moments trying to convince yourself that you did.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

oh, who am i kidding?

i'll just sit in the financial aids office all afternoon. it's a wednesday, why not?

it's official, beyond official, i love chicago. everytime i am forced to explore the city on my own (for sketches) i see another part of the city and all it has to offer.

and i love it.

i love walking around, i love imagining i live next to the MCA and going every tuesday to the farmers market for fresh fruit, veggies, home-made bread and gorgeous! flowers. then going for a run at the track behind the MCA...and so forth and so forth. the only thing that pulls me out of these daydreams while walking are the coffee shops. i see them and think, "and that's where i can read the paper and drink my coffee in the mornings--wait i don't drink coffee...(long paus, while thinking why i was thinking about drinking coffee at that cafe)...i don't live here." it's a rude, abrubt ending to my imaginings and at the same time a much needed one (i can get carried away,
away). so i guess what i'm saying is that chicago is my kind of city and i see myself here for awhile (i don't know where else i'd go, but yeah).


as for the crazyness that is my schedule, this week has been oh-so-much-better. not working on mondays have opened up much needed time to complete work and well, relax a wee-
bit. but what still is frustrating is architecture. i feel that it is close to what i want to do, but not. ?? any ideas? ...anybody?

well, quite frankly i feel like i should take this moment to say how much i miss everybody these days...

first off i must say, suzanne and husayn: man, i miss you guys. yeah i know i live with you, but i never see you any more and it make me sad. i miss you guys (like seriously, for the split seconds i see you guys in the morning i just want to run up and give you guys big bear hugs, straight-up grandma lehman style).

katie and nathan: i can't wait until christmas break when we can sit on the couch at home and just laugh (at a loving way) haha. i miss you guys SO much more than you know.

sara: oh sara, what can i say. when dad mentioned us moving to oak park together my first thought was, "oh that so is going to happen." and when the two travelers on the el remided me of two people on the amazing race i thought, "sara and i so need to do that. we would have fun, we would rock and america would love us (i mean look at us, really, how could they not?)" and when liza told me about your reaction to "the news" it sounded so like you, i could see you saying it facial expressions, hand movements and all. sara i miss you and your little (she has gotten skinny) too.

liza and brent: you live down the street, i see you as often as i eat a home-made meal (which is unhealthily few and far between). brent, i want to take you shopping. liza, i want you to come. think about it, we would have fun unlike the day that was full of all that is pathetic (even though we has a little fun that day...or as much fun as one can have on a day that was full of all that that is pathetic). oh, the servere PDA offenders came into p*nea the other day...oh that cute couple. yeah, i miss hanging out with you guys (and i'm still waiting for a happy hug!)

---sidenote: i kind of feel like i'm dying or something, but i'm not. i just miss you people----

family in b-town: i love you guys and just being home for 11 hours on saturday night was just what i needed. way to keep home, home. way to be and keep it up! i miss you guys and come decemeber i'll be home again.

luxions: we need to party, up in your house (blaring anastasia). i miss y'all!

and everyone else that i haven't seen in forever or laughed hard with in awhile or babysat in awhile...i miss you!


This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? it's too late for that
What have I become? truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

i could be "getting ahead" by reading articles for english.

i could be finishing two sections in math.

i could be starting my project for architecture.

i could be...oh crap...i should be figuring out financial aid.

(and i really wanted to post a real post for once, it's been so long. apologizes)


Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Could it be?

My first paper since my term paper written over a year ago.

Boy. English 160, let me tell you...


If I Were a Male, I could be One Heck of a Baller

“Sexist pigs,” I remember mumbling to myself when I was denied to play knock out with a group of boys during recess in middle school. Just because I was a girl they would not let me play with them. If only I had been a boy they would have let me join, but I was a girl and was automatically thought of as a weak player. This always infuriated me, because how was I ever suppose to get better or learn more about the game when I was always denied the chance to play? If I had been born a male, I would have been given the chance to play. If I had been born a male, I could have been one heck of a baller.

First off, let me explain what happened that day in middle school during recess. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I saw a few people lining up to play knock out. Knock out was (and still is) one of my favorite basketball games, plus it was very seldom played at recess. Due to this fact, it was very rare that I got to play this game I so enjoyed. When I saw people rounding up to play I ran and got my two other friends, Elisa and Heather, to come with me to go play. We then, all together, ran to get into line. So there we were waiting in line, waiting for our turn when one of the boys behind us started getting impatient waiting for his turn. He started with a, “there are too many people!” Then when no one paid attention to him or dropped out he decided to pick on people who he knew he could get kicked out of line; us, the girls. “Hey!” he yelled at us, “you guys leave. There are too many people playing!” We first glanced at each other and then turned around and gave him “are you kidding me” looks. He then got the rest of his friends (the other boys that were in line behind us) to gang up against us and peer pressure us out of line. They then got a hold of the ball and threatened not to play until we got out of line. “Why?” I demanded after told of their threat. They said that there were too many people. This made me even angrier. First off, there are never too many people to play knock out. There is simply no limit to the amount of people who can play. The other reason this made me mad was that even if there were too many people to play (which isn’t possible with knock out) why did we have to leave when we got into line before all the boys standing in line behind us? To be fair, if there were too many people shouldn’t the people who were at the end of the line get kicked out of the game, too? There was nothing my friends or I could do. We were three girls up against eight boys who were all joined with one purpose in mind. We gave up and left the line bitterly.

One can see that if I or my friends had been boys there would have been no problem. If people had been complaining about too many people, then the people who would have been kicked out of line would have been the people at the end of the line and not the three girls in the middle of the line. I would have been able to play that day at recess had I been a boy. The other boys would have let me play with no issues, with no groups of boys demanding that I leave. After I was allowed to play they would have seen my talent and would have invited me to play a game after school. The knock out games after school would have turned into small pick-up games, where I would have developed the street finesse one needs to become a basketball player that has that unique talent it takes to get noticed. If I had been born a boy it would have been more socially accepted to play basketball and that would have given me a better chance at exercising my interest to the fullest.

Now just imagine what my life would if I were a boy and was given the chance to explore my interests all the way. I could have been the next Kobe (minus the sex scandal), Shaq (minus the size), or Michael Jordan (minus the whole sticking out the tongue thing). I could have gotten a full ride to college, saving my parents the financial dept that involves getting a higher education. I could have been the Final Four MVP my junior and senior year, which most likely could have made me the first draft pick for the NBA. Nike, Gatorade, Wheaties and every other company could be calling me at all hours of the day throwing me unheard of contracts. This all could have been my future if I had come out (which, oddly enough, my doctor swore I would) a boy. One just never knows. If our society did not have so many gender standards, if it where so completely different then it stands now, I may have had been able to become a great basketball player, respected and known by all by being just the way I am. As our society still is the way it is, seeing girls as weak and unfit for male dominated sports, and me being a girl this could never (well at least as close to never as one can get) happen. For a girl to receive that amount of fame she would have to break through all the barriers that our society has made between the female and male athletes and that would take a lot work and chances are she wouldn’t even get recognized for all that work. Being born a boy would have given me the chance to develop my skills to their fullest potential, but being a girl prevents me from achieving that type of success as easily.

One can see that my life could have been completely different, if I had been born a boy. Or in other words, if we weren’t not forced into these gender roles that our society places so strongly on us, my life could have been different. I would never have been unfairly turned away from a game of knock out during recess. I would have had a chance to explore my interests and develop my talents to their fullest potential. All these things were deprived from me, just because I was born a girl.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Above me reads a sign, ''Use this computer for library resourses only!''

Psh, i roll my eyes at you UIC computer hidden on the the third floor of the library (whose both shift keys are broken). i roll my eyes at you.

these past three weeks have been complete crazyiness.

crazyiness : spending every second of your day either in class, doing homework, planning projects, brainstorming for papers, mapping out when you will get it all done or working, ect.

every second : the ten minutes between classes, the daily hour break between classes, waiting for the el, riding the el, walking from the el to work, half hour break at work, the hour of preparation for the next day before going to bed, and the endless hours spend tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep but unable to sleep due to so many thoughts spinning through me head (saying i'm tired right now is an understatement, i'm beyond tired that i can't sleep no matter how badly i'm craving the peace).

today on the el i noticed myself wishing i were the other people i saw around me. i wish i were going to a 9 to 5 job, where i knew what work had to be done and when it would be done. i wish i was wearing a skirt with cute shoes and nicely done hair. i wish i wasn't so tired from staying up every night working on projects and had time in the morning to shave my legs, attempt to style my hair, and put on make-up. i wish i had the freedom to go home this weekend or have no plans and could just read at the lake all day. i wish that there was someone i knew sitting next to me who i could rest my head on their shoulder. i wish i had a known break where i didn't have to do anything for two days without being screwed. that's how the thinking started and it ended with me thinking simply, ''i wish i were them.'' and that's when i stopped myself. if by wishing i were them it felt as though i was ungrateful for what i do have. the people who love me, friends and family, the experiencances i have had, the things i've gone through, all that and more felt forgotten in my mind while wishing i were these strangers i saw for no more than 25 minutes. which made me ponder, what is it inside me that lets me easily forget these blessings?

i wish i could turn it off (it being what ever it is) and just start fully appreciating what i have. then i could really experiance that in which i am experiancing and stop wasting my time blind siding myself wishing and hoping things were this way or that.

i'm so not going to proof read. i'm going to bed NOw.


There she stands
A girl before you

Changed, unchanged
What does it matter?

She should be treated the same
With kindness and respect
Not frustrationg and annoyance


Did she get in your way
Offend you by what she may or may not say?

Keep pushing her away
Leave her out, let her in
Let her in, Leave her out
Keep your ever vararing distances
Do as you please

She is just a girl
That stands before you