Saturday, February 26, 2005

it's! party! time!

in approximately fifteen minutes there will be--gasps!--people at L.G.I. woo-hoo! i'm excited. gotta love ayyam-i-ha, people, gotta love it. HAPPY AYYAM-I-HA! or like my friend karen likes to say (haha i love karen)... HAPPY BAHA'I!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

feeling guilty

a week ago i completely broke down in tears for what seemed like no reason and all i could think was i just want to go home. one more month and i'll be home. the only problem is that i feel guilty for wanting to go home the way that i do. i mean for goodness sake it is all i write about these days; how much i miss being home, how much i want to be back home. these past six months have turned out completely different than i had ever thought. i expected to be tested with work, work, work. in fact i was even looking foward to it... being in a baha'i environment; having regular feasts, sunday classes, study circles... always being busy with activaties, activaties, activaties while learning, learning, learning more and more about the Faith and making the Faith, my Faith (do you know what i mean by that?). instead it turned out to be tests all dealing with boredom; finding something to do.

people always say experiences are what you make of them. that makes me feel like if i have had a crappy experience here, it's my fault. which makes me feel guilty like i should have done more. then i try to think of what i could have done and i think and i think and i think. everything i come up with i always see how it wouldn't have worked out anyways. but is that me just making excuses for myself to feel less guilty or is it the truth? am i lazy or are things here really that backwards? it's just all so frustrating, because i feel like i should be doing more or should have done more.

it would be easy to blame other people for this lack of direction that i am feeling and have felt the whole time i was here, but i just don't feel like that's right or fair. especially if experiances are what you make out of them then i'm to blame because i didn't created my own drive to get things started. but then again i didn't know how to get things started. i felt like the only way to please people was to do what they asked and keep quite. never wanted/feeling comfortable to express my opinion in fear of coming off like i was complaining.

i feel guilty for secreatly wishing i was doing my service somewhere else, while at the same time feeling that i might not have made the best out of my time here and it's my own fault for wanting to be somewhere else having a different experiance; a more positive experiance.

bah. hum-bug.

Friday, February 18, 2005

37 days and counting

When the first thing you think of when you first wake up is amia and how much you just want to gobble on her cheeks and play with her all day, you know the day will be long.

Morning entertainment results:

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

yeah, what kind of soul are you?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

AND this is how i feel today.

i so was going to call up a bunch of people tonight, but then i remembered i only have 46 minutes left on the calling card. 46 minutes i have to save incase i need to call and invite more people to the youth retreat down in charleston. a youth retreat down in charleston i CAN'T GO TO!

me: "hi, wanna go to a cool youth retreat down in charleston?"

some baha'i youth in south/north carlonia[thinking: who is this calling from chicao (hahaha who apparently can't even spell chicago!)?? which makes me think: i have a chicago accent!! and then reminds me: no, i'm using a calling card.]: "in charleston? a youth retreat? well--YEAH! that's so exciting!!!"

no, i'm not bitter.

i just want to go home.

39 days and counting

two nights ago i had the most pleasant dream. first i was sitting in my trailer all homesick when there was a knock at my door. i open and the door and do you know who was there?!! THE MERKEL'S!! THE MERKLES WERE AT MY DOOR! i was beyond excited (beyond, i couldn't believe it. they even brought me some fruit loops(?)! (i'm not sure why but they did) then my dad, mom, and daniel came to visit for the weekend. the boys had to leave at the end of the weekend, but my mom stayed for the rest of the week. my dad was planning to come back at the end of the week and was going to bring matthew with him. (--random sidenote: matthew should be the most thankful that we got yammi before he was born, because if we hadn't matthew's name would be Isaac Oscar Mitchell--back to my dream)then everything started getting hectic because i just wanted to play with vahid, katana, and xcyden (in the dream she actually liked me and played with me!! this is how i knew it was just a dream). but i couldn't play with the merkel's because i also had to start packing up and getting ready to go home. this is when i woke up sad, knowing full well that there were no merkel's running around my living room waiting for me to wake up and no fruit loops.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Have I become anorexic?

11:30 at Wendy’s Drive Thru Window (yes! We got out! Clarissa and Olivia from Conway picked us up and took us out!! Bless their hearts!)

Oliva (going around to everyone in the car taking orders turns to me): What do you want?

Me: Nothing. I’m not hungry. I’m still full from dinner.

Olivia: What?! Are you sure? You haven’t eaten since I picked you up and that was hours ago!

Taraz: Yeah, she’s like that.

I eat three meals a day and on occasion (like every other day) I eat my three meals plus a danish. For breakfast I have a bowl of cereal, for lunch I have a buttered beagle or half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and for dinner (Tuesday thru Friday) I have whatever delicious meal has been cooked up. For dinner (Saturday thru Sunday) I have either leftovers or just a buttered beagle and usually on Monday we go out for dinner. That’s normal right? Not anorexicish? To tell you the truth my body would be content if my three meals were just three lightly toasted buttered beagles. I eat what I eat each day (what I listed before) and after dinner I feel like I overstuffed my body with food from the day. Which to me makes sence because my body doesn’t need that much energy while working at the radio station. Like before I was always involved with sports and I needed snacks during the day to make it through practices, but now I'm not allowed to go running or anything so my body doesn’t need as much energy as before. But then it also seems that wherever we go people are always commenting on how little I ate or are surprised I don’t want seconds. It’s not like I’m starving myself or anything. That’s just all I’m hungry for. And it’s not like I’m losing weight, in fact I’m pretty sure I’m gaining it. I'm so confused. If someone came up to me and asked, "Anya do you feel like you are eating enough and your body is getting enough food?" I would be all, "Yeah, plenty. Why you asking weird person that just came up to me?" Do people just eat more in the south? Do people look at me and expect me to overeat because I look like I overeat? What’s the deal people? Do I need to eat more? Do I need to eat less? Do I have normal eating habits?

Have I become anorexic?

(oh and sidenote: my day was good today because i played soccer with kids down the road and next week they said they'd bring their basketball. woo-hoo, i can't wait to kick their butts! or at least i hope i will.)

Thursday, February 10, 2005

You know your crafting phase has gotten out of control when you neck starts to burn whenever you look down.

I can breath, again. U.I.C. Office of Admissions and Records has been playing with me ever since I got accepted last Febuary. In the last chain of events they sent me a letter stating that my fourty dollar application fee was missing and that I need to send it in as soon as possible before they can complete the processing of my application. They went on to say, "Please have these items sent directly to the Office of later than the application deadline." No later than the application deadline? The application deadline was January 31st and this letter is dated Febuary 2!

Luckily for me, on the deadline date, of January 31st, I called U.I.C. to check the status of my application and was informed about the missing check. When the operator told me this my head went spinning, "missing money? must be sent in with TODAY'S postmark on it or else can't be accepted? call dad. don't have work number. call mom. don't have work number. call home. no one is there--wait suzanne stayed over there last night maybe she's home. must thank operator now and hang up and call home. pray suzanne is still there." it was quite a spin my head went through, let me tell you. Suzanne, my savior, was home and by the end of the day my mom had, "...made sure to watch the postman stamp the letter and to see that it was marked with the correct date." whew, thank God. No really, Thank You God. If I had not called U.I.C. that day, I would be in tears right now. Horrifying, big. unable-to-breath. tears. Well, okay maybe I'm overacting. It's not like U.I.C. was the only university that I applied to this year.

oh, wait.

it was.

The Nerve! Sending me a letter dated Feburary 2nd saying that my missing check must be sent in no later January 31st, after everything I have gone through with this school. I say again, The Nerve! Not to mention the slight anxiety I went through right before opening the letter thinking that it was the accepted/DE-NIED! letter. Only to find that the anxiety was pointless--- quick interuption SESEAME STREET is currently playing on Radio Baha'i this calls for a moments break --- because really the letter was actually informing me that if you want to get in TOO. BAD. it's already past the due date to send in the nessesary things to make your application complete, but we just wanted to give you a heads up of why you failed to get accepted.

I, for one, just don't want to think about it any more.


whew. that was one good vent.

This is where i say i've had enough
And no one should ever feel the way that i feel now.
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises
And i don't believe that i'm getting any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And i'm thinking awful things
And i'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
Is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering the house
Like i've never wanted out
And this is about as social as i get now.
And i'm throwing away the letters that i am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do.

And your eyes say the joke's on me.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

and when you are shopping at goodwill and find three t-shirts that you want to get, try not to think about how much you tease your mom that it's her favorite store.

now, i know what some must be thinking, "this girl is serving at l.g.i. and she barely talks about the things that are going on there!" well there is a simple explanation for that; nothing goes on here. but (at last, at last!) looks like things are about to start happening here at lgi. rumor has it that there are more people coming, like professional full time staff coming. then the congo choir, women's conference, and a youth retreat are on the planning table...for april. you know april, the month AFTER i leave. funny how things work out. but alls good because this place needs these activities, it's been so long since it's been in use. so hopefully after april things will pick up again and this place will get back the engery it had back in the day.


as i was sitting here, getting all homesick (let's face it; me living away from every person in my family is no good. it's just doesn't work for me) when a little song popped in my head...

Why should a fellow want a girl like her a frail and fluffy beauty why can't a fellow ever once prefer a solid girl like me
She's a frothy little bubble with a flimsy kind of charm and with very little trouble I could break her little arm.
Oh, oh why would a fellow want a girl like her so obviously unusual why can't a fellow ever once prefer a usual girl like me
Her cheeks are a pretty shade of pink, but not any pinker than roses
Her skin may be delicate and soft, but not any softer than a dosies
Her neck is no whiter than a swan's
She's only as dainty as a daisy
She's only as graceful as a bird
So why is the fellow going crazy?
oh why would a fellow want a girl like her, a girl who's merely lovely, why can't a fellow ever once prefer a girl who's merely me
She's a frothy little bubble with a frilly sort of air And with very little trouble I could pull out all her hair!
oh why would a fellow want a girl like her, a girl who's merely lovely, why can't a fellow ever once prefer a girl who's merely me?

...and because i am a dork (i really am. let's not pertend i'm not.) it made me smile and feel a little better.

(these pictures are so good they make me homesick.
okay, so that doesn't take much. but still.)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I hope life isn't one big joke, because I don't get it.

Ohhhh, it's official. And it became offical while I was watering my dead tree in my living room for the third time since I came five months ago and I thought, "It isn't the tree's fault that it is dying; It is mine." That is when it became offical that there will be no plants in my future home. Not because they aren't pretty, no, but because they would be in my house with me resposible for their survival. This of course has been made offical way after my earlier plant dying incident (I guess I'm that type of person that needs to be really sure about things before making things offical), which I haven't told anyone. Not. One. Soul. (until now, obviously.)

I killed a cactus.

I mean, my God, people have to TRY to kill a cactus to kill a cactus. And even then do they rarely succeed.