Sunday, November 27, 2005

I've made my bed and now I'm gonna lay in it.

quite possibly the best, yet most dangerous thing to shop for while sick...

bedding. you try to stay within your budget (of zero $) but you feel so miserable that you will take anything that appeals to the comfort of your bed.

went to ikea today (great place) and decided it was time for me to get myself a down comforter at long last. i have wanted one since i was in sixth grade. in "home 1" i found exactly what i wanted, but then when we were looking at the bed frame section liza hurried over to me, took hold of my arm (as if she were amia), and dragged me across to the bed sheets that she knew i would like. and she was right, i loved them. sadly, they were expencive and in the end i went with the less expencive set (i'm cheap like that). it was when i picked out the down comforter that i wanted, but was not about to pay that much for, that liza remembered she had an extra one from her single days. so to celebrate this great borrow that equates to a down comforter for anya, anya got herself a sara-like pillow, AT a reasonible price i might add. so now, as i lay in my bed putting off writting my cover letter for english, scanning in my drawings for arch, reading for philosophy, or catching up on my math class that i skipped on wednesday ('cause i'm bad-ass like that) with my body feeling like crap, i smile. i've made my bed and now i'm gonna lay in it.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

every now and then, i fall apart

overall this semester has taken it out of me. it's like i've been in two places at once, but really never being fully in either place. always rushing, always having something or some other place to be. never having the time to even talk on the phone to keep in touch with people, or time to write for that matter. i've lost touch with all who know me. and that, that makes me sad. but mostly dissappointed in myself. i'm so shy, so far from being a social warrior, that it takes time for people to get to know me. so why have i failed in keeping in touch, you would think that i would value those realationships enough to keep them up. i'm so tired of it, so tired of being shy and such a wallflower. but how does one go around changing such a big part of their personality? is it even possible? maybe for some people, but for me? i try to visualize it and it seems partically possible, but then i remind myself what i do do when faced with a room full of people i don't know and what i thought may be obtainable, no longer is.


The answer came
Like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
Making a bomb shelter of our basement
And i can't believe you let the moral go by
While you were soaking in the product placement

Where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters
That you wrote to yourself
But could not address?

There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
A whole childhood of potions
That are all bottled up
And so one by one i am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
And i'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists
That we hold in our fists
Of the things that we promise to do
Differently next time

Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus i'm not listening to you anymore
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And i'm mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated
Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do i do with all these letters
That i wrote to myself
But cannot address?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

oh, the weekend that was.

an update in somewhat list form, because those are always nice (aka a yawn post to avoid those soon to be comments demanding an update)...

THE LOWLIGHTS (things that made me sad):

-the potrayal of dumbledore in the new h.p. movie. come on, would dumbledore EVER choke harry? does he EVER lose his temper? does he EVER yell at the students? does he EVER seem confused?

-talking myself into staying in studio on friday to get ahead of my workload for the weekend. then, as i am taking off my fourth (yes, fourth) axon drawing that i spent four hours on, i ripped it. (and yes, at that moment i fell to the floor and just cried, while asking in my delusioned state "why God, why?")

-having to close with a new manager at p*nea, fearing he was a cleaning nazi.

-finding out katie and nathan won't be coming up for thanksgiving

-not being able to participate in a study circle at my house, because i had to work on architecture and had to run to work

-knowing that after i got out of work, it was only the begining of my night

-pulling two mini all-nighters

-i lied. after finding out that the night before when i didn't pay for parking was a fluke and that i wasn't going to be able to leave without paying $5.75 (which meant i would have to re-park walk to white hen, hope it's open, pay atm charge to get money, buy something to get change, and then walk back to my car in chicago, by myself at three in the morning). this, mind you, was after a good ten minutes driving around the lot trying and re-trying to get out, thinking i was crazy because i couldn't remember what i did last night to get out. so i called the emergency help line and when asked if i had paid the $5.75 that i did not have to pay the night before, i lied and said, "yeah."

-knowing that i technically owe uic $11.25

-sholeh's last uic bahai association meeting

-finally getting to register for classes for next spring, but only thus far sign up for two classes

-eating a hot pocket and drinking a vanilla pepsi for dinner which i ate at eleven

-dealing with a screwed up sleep schedule, where now i can't fall asleep until three

THE HIGHLIGHTS (things that made up for it):

-getting to see the new h.p. movie at 12:01 with liza and brent

-being honored the "fuck up of the month" by naida in studio for ripping my axon.

-making an axon wall where i put up all the ten thousand "rough draft" axons it took to get to my final one, and then collecting everyone elses "rough draf" axons and putting them up (it's one fine wall, let me tell you)

-finding out that the new manager is no cleaning nazi and likes to go home as much as i do

-taking saturday off to watch amia, that girl cracks me up with every move she makes.

-realizing as i was trying to slowly put amia on her bed, after she fell asleep on our walk, that a one and a half year old had me pinned down and there was nothing i could do about it

-fighting over who gets liza's elephant with amia

-then one morning waking up missing it after falling asleep with it the night before only to find amia playing with it in the living room.

-finding out that there is a "santa express" el by caughting it on my way to work (you don't know the definition of "decked out with christmas decorations" until you have seen that el, serioulsy)

-thinking that when i walked into studio on sunday at 11:30 pm i'd be alone, only to find out i wasn't

-driving downtown at three in the morning and getting to see state street all lit up, completely empty

-getting into art history 111 discussion group on weds. with all my friends in arch studio who i'll be leaving (okay so that last part is sad)

-celebrating wendy's birthday at geodano's

-homemade pumpkin pie...yummy!

-getting to play basketball!! (i forgot how much i miss playing)

-realizing that i didn't have to trim down my axon paper, because i drew it perfectly centered (i got nervous every time i touched that drawing, fearing i would some how mess it up again)

-getting some sleep

-having a good, open, long, funny conversation with a dear friend


-forgetting and then remembering that thanksgivng is...(gasp!)... TOMORROW!!

What is your ideal date?

The last thursday of each November.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Say it isn't so! Say it isn't so!

lock all the doors.

turn off all the lights.

disconnect your phone.

lay in your bed and just start to cry.

Arrested Development has been canceled.

*UPDATE: Maybe there is something you can do, like Get Arrested! or something.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Mantengase Alejado de la Puerta

Made from love that is all pretending, we gave birth to a girl name Silence. One accepts and tries to fulfill her needs,one ignores her very existance. Both try to push away that which brought her here. Until both acknowledge her presence, she will never be able to leave, she will never be set free.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck

and take it to another city, boy, i don't know what to tell you.

it is fall and the crisp coldness that comes with fall is creeping into chicago. it is at this time of the year when i actually day dream about running. maybe this feeling has been programed into me after the years of last minute preparation for basketball tryouts. whatever the reason i love it. i love having the desire to go running and having to bundel up for the cold weather outside and then having it half off by the time i'm done from amount i have pushed myself. there is something about the cold weather, in it i can push myself further and faster. maybe it has to do with the fact the further and faster i go the less and less i can feel my limbs. or maybe it has to do with something else, who knows.

the crisp fall air that fills my lungs, my favorite pair of sweats, the crunching of the golden leaves under my feet and the darkness that surrounds me...all that was missing to make this the perfect run was some rain.

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

*jack handey is my hero.

What is going on?

Witness. I went home on friday, but when I saw this I wasn't sure where I was. Confusion set in as soon as I saw it, "What? Is that...? Where am I? Mooommmm!!!!" Terror seized me, for change in my home is hard for me to handle. I like knowing where everything is, where I can find things, what I can expect. A place where I know where I am and what I can do. Last time, when I saw the deforesting on the corner of prarie and that other street (near the knolls) I almost cried. Batavia, what are you doing getting rid of those trees? But that I can handle, that is developement. Or the new stop sign by the high school,
even that I can get used to. But change inside my own home is what I truely struggle with. The disappearance of Grandma Lehman's rocking chair (my parents waiting until I was gone for a weekend to throw it out). Then there now is an ocassionly a television WITH a DVD player sitting in our living room. That is a change I'm still getting used to. But what about this? Actual white bread in my home? This is unheard of. This is unfathomable. I mean, look WHITE bread sitting on my dinning room table. I can truthfully say that no one has ever seen such a thing.

This would be me on my 23rd hour. Yes, I officially feel like an architect student now, after pulling my first all-nighter on wednesday. On that One Great Day, I was in the AA building down in studio for 29 hours. When I finally finished all my work at 5:30 a.m. Nadia and I set off to find the roof to watch the sunrise (which everyone kept calling sunset, because that was just how long it had been since we had been outside). We successfully found the little window on the fifth floor and got onto the roof. We were quite proud of ourselves. Here is me climbing through the little window...
Can you see the little brown stain on my pants? Yeah, that would be from my 12th hour when my meatball sandwich landed in my lap and created two big brown stains on my pants that I would be wearing for another 28 hours. Oh! and here are the brusies I got from climbing through that little window. It took me awhile to figure out where those brusies were from when i found them...(i was tired, i couldn't think, i couldn't

I don't know how to wrap this up...sooo...