hug please, elsa bishop!

i'm not entirely sure how this was decided yesterday or how exactly how it happened, but today i'm off to seattle via the train. above is a map of the route. i is excited! my ipod died, so no music or any catching up on this american life. ahh well...books, sketches and the site seer car shall keep me occupied.

a tantrum un-thrown

the words rattle around my head. this is just a moment, it will soon pass...but these words have become my finger prints. (you know the ones that glue me to the edge i've been dangling on for months) and though i am grateful that the grip God gave me is super and powerful, in this moment i want to let go already.

i also want to ask, "when exactly is this moment suppose to end?"

time is irrelevant in this situation, even though it's what i think i need to make it through this moment. i fantasize that time will bring me hope, will bring me the relief i am so desperately looking for. it is almost comical to put so much reliance upon time, when it is simply a tool we have created to make sense of the foreign world we find ourselves in. i look upon a tool to provide me what only a virtue can give? now, that's just straight-up silly.

i just need to trust that you weren't lying to me when you reminded me that this is just a moment and it shall soon pass. which shouldn't be hard because how often has 'Abdu'l-Baha lied to anyone? yeah, that's what i thought. learning can be so painfully-obviously-simple.

i honestly have nothing else to do. (also known as long ass post number 2)

this is my outfit today. i'm posting it because i have nothing else to do; i received no hours at work this week due to dwindling sales and me being the last person hired i get whatever hours they have left to give out (this week, apparently, there were no scraps) AND since anthropologie grabbed my heart only to throw it back in my face (at last moment they canceled an internship i could only dream to be real) i find that i'm currently floating in the realm of "what in the world do i do with myself now?"

i'm in this funk of having plety of half-way started projects (i swear brandon i'll finish those shoes someday), but no drive to finish them (beyond feeling guilty that i haven't finished them already). my creativity is still brewing even though my energy to follow through on projects is in no state to be used properly. as a way to release some of this creativity within me i've recently started to play a favorite game of mine that i have yet to name but for now will call it, "The Outfit Game" (i say that in a low, serious voice). i like this game for many reasons; one, it sometimes helps me get out of bed in the morning when i really, really rather not. two, i love creating the most when what i have to work with is limited. three, it makes me feel like i have much more clothes than i actually do and it makes me enjoy and appreciate that i already have much much more.

the rules to the game are pretty simple. match up items in your wardrobe that you have never matched up before. you can do this blindly, but for me that takes a great deal of the fun of the creativity out of it. dadaism has it's time and place and for me it is not in this game. but i encourage exploration, so try if you so wish.

the picture above is the outfit i made today. i don't usually name outfits, but with this one it just came out so naturally (and why not add a new element to the game, huh?). i call this one, "Here's Waldo." i think it captures the playfulness of the stripes and the nostalgic feeling created by the dress that resembles a jumper. i threw on some skinny jeans because it's way too dang cold not to wear a bottom layer. i wasn't feeling tights because the dress is a knit and it was still staticy from it's recent run through the drier. i'm so tired of winter that static makes me angery, since it is one of the greatest down falls of winter. i think leggings would do, especially paired with knee high socks. when i get around to buying a pair of leggings, or more specifically actually finding a pair that works, i'll get to play version 1.2 of "The Outfit Game" with "Here's Waldo." (version 1.2 is where you tweak outfits you have tried to put together with something that could possibly work better).

anyways, in hopes of turning this into a dialogue and making a lame attempt to turn this into something more, i dare to ask what do you think? to be honest i ask your opinion, not because i care what you think (i like this outfit it makes me feel happy when i wear it), but because i want to give people a place where they feel like they can practice openly and honestly saying what they think. i'm putting myself out there to practice not caring what others might think of me, to practice just being myself, so if you fear that what your opinion is might hurt me think of it this way; if it does then i get to practice letting not my heart be offended by people's differing opinions.

my mama has already casts her vote: she thinks i look cute. now it's your turn, what do you think?

inspiration (also known as one long ass post)

after having an amazingly hard emotional week last week i find myself searching for inspiration to pull me out of a week that left me within the tight and suffocating confides of the psychological torment known by the oh so fun and exciting question of, "why?" the thoughts in my head sound like a three year old trying to figure out how everything they see works. the questions start out reasonable like, "why, anthropologie, are you breaking my heart?" but as i come up with answers i also come up with more questions until finally i am left with the core of all the why's, "why am i here?"

i know the answer is found in the very first line in a prayer i say everyday: "I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee." however i ask, "why am i here?" in a more concrete way like, "why exactly am i here? what purpose do i have to fulfill, specifically? how am i suppose to be worshiping God, what is it suppose to look like? how am i going to serve humanity?"

i know that these are my questions, but they are just too big for me (and possibly anyone) to digest and get to the bottom of in one fell swoop. so instead of focusing on my ga-zillion and three questions, i tried to find what inspires me. because, it's time for me to honest with myself and there is probably good reason i am naturally drawn to certain things over others.

i have no idea where i pick this feeling up, but even though style and design excite and impact me, i often think that i am suppose to feel empty about it. i remeber clearly in third or forth grade i loved cutting up fashion ads from magazines. in my room i even hung the collages i made of the different supermodels. my mom saw all of this and commented, "maybe you should be a model when your older?" my reaction to this was so strong; i felt insulted. already at that age i had picked up (not to mention believed) that models didn't do anything important, that they were unitelligent and that it wasn't a profession one was suppose to aspire to be. after my mom made her suggestion, i took the pictures off my wall and cut myself off from the things i liked that had anything to do with the fashion industry. tied together in my head is this formula that in my interest in style and design will lead me to be vain and materialistic. except not so much lead me as the interest itself means i am materalistic. which in the end makes me feel that my interest in design and style, who i am and what i enjoy a lot is this horrible, horrible monster that breaths fire, kills puppies and would rather buy clothes than fed hungry children.

so as i sat down at my computer to find inspiration, i decided to ditch the guilt of liking what i like and decided to start at the one blog i check multiple times a day: Go Fug Yourself, the writing is hilarious and the pictures help me appreciate and enjoy the different ways people choose to express their own style. luckily for me, the website was just recently nominated for best fashion blog of the year and was encourage readers to go vote.

this all eventually lead me to my inspiration finds of the day:

The Sartorialist-pictures taken of people's outfits on different streets of cities from around the world (i really like this one)

Project Rungay-not quiet sure about this one yet, but it has pictures of collections that were shown at New York Fashion Week, so thus far i am enjoying

Simple Wardrobe-i actually found out about this site via Fiberarts Magazine while doing my magazine gazing at borders last night.

after going through these blogs and more specifically The Sartorialist, i want to get more into photography and start posting and sharing more style and design items that i find/make and start exploring the relationship between design and spirituality. we shall see where this goes, since i don't have a camera...as of yet.

reading: "Letter to My Daughter"

i very much like maya angelou and i thank her for sharing her wisdom.

i like

there is a place of good that i come from, where i rise from and though the dictionary of my words has yet to be written or the full implication of my actions been seen, know that the good i do is for you (not the specific type of 'you', but simply the expansive kind). and though we do not write, call, or visit by any sort of societal definition, we are close. for we will always, in all ways, be one.

issues a tia faces

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Originally uploaded by liza-bean

i am up this late for three reasons:

1) i just got back from work...pulling out and setting up new retail (i really like this job)

2) i am secretly hoping elsa will wake up in the middle of the night like she used to when she was younger to play

and 3) i don't want to go to bed because tomorrow katie and elsa leave to go back to seattle and i don't want to acknowledge that fact

it would be easy to say i wish i lived in seattle, but then when would i get to see amia and liam? these are the issues of a modern day tia, and i can think of only one thing that can solve this quandary; mitchellopolis. the day we break ground on this glorious idea, will mark the day of one overly-ubberly happy tia anya.

strugglings

recently i have realized how completely blessed i am more fully, and this realization has brought me down to understand a deeper level of humility and gratitude. i struggled for a bit wondering why i do i get to be so blessed, when so many other people seem to struggle and struggle and struggle? i cried thinking of everyone's struggles, and i cried even harder thinking of the choices we make with our free will. i cried until i remembered our equality, that God doesn't test us beyond our capacities, and really we are all blessed but sometimes, many times, we fall victim to ourselves and forget.

enjoying:

Devon Gundry - "Armed" from Justin Baldoni on Vimeo.


the pairing of these two (Devon Gundry and Justin Baldoni) takes me to a deeper place leaving me feeling unconstrained. the sincerity found in gundry's voice is humbling. needless to say, i very much like this video.

take the time to reflect and remember

"O MY FRIENDS! Have ye forgotten that true and radiant morn, when in those hallowed and blessed surroundings ye were all gathered in My presence beneath the shade of the tree of life, which is planted in the all-glorious paradise? Awe-struck ye listened as I gave utterance to these three most holy words: O friends! Prefer not your will to Mine, never desire that which I have not desired for you, and approach Me not with lifeless hearts, defile with worldly desires and cravings. Would ye but sanctify your souls, ye would at this present hour recall that place and those surroundings, and the truth of My utterance should be made evident unto all of you."

-the 19th Persian Hidden Words of Baha'u'llah

i have a dream

that one day people will build and keep the peace through the bad-ass means of justice and stop keeping the piece of their false realities that they hold onto so tightly. then they will finally see themselves and me clearly; we are noble, people, noble beings.

take a step back and take that in. what does that mean? being a noble being to me means that with all my heart, no matter how corny or unimaginable this sounds, i love all of humanity and i strive everyday to serve it the best i can. that means i love you (yes you!) and i try to serve you. i love you unconditionally. are we married? are we family? are we friends? do we talk to each other? do we know each other? none of these titles or what your relation to me is, was, could be matters, i still love you. come on! let's be awesome already and rise to our nobility.





*dedicated to the ms. katy luxion and awesome conversations.

un-learning(shaking the dust)

splash
Originally uploaded by rutinha

gravy pours down my arm. my dad told me, warned me, "hold on carefully." i grasped both ends of the china "so delicate" i thought. it was my duty to carry it from the kitchen to the dinner room table. i walk with both eyes on the gravy until i trip on my grandma's guilt and my grandpa's rotting teeth. i fall, i have a choice to make, either i let of the china and let grace take it's fall or i clutch it ever so tightly, putting it before me and finish falling on my face. time it seems starts to turn slowly, waiting for me to decide. my dad's words are the ones i remember, but i don't think he meant for me to choose the gravy's fate before mine. with eyes wide shut i let go of the china. right hand first (without even thinking). my left hand still clutching, trying to hold the unbalanced weight. hot gravy burns my skin and still consciously i have to tell myself to let it go.

let. it. go.

i cry having to watch it break. i cry, foolishly thinking that it was(is) my job to save her. that my actions could(can) make her decision. forgetting my nobility, playing into false realities, i get stuck within my own susceptibility. but then grace catches me, somewhere between the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end, and teaches me to consciously let my worries go. so the gravy pours down my arm, but i have learned where my trust should(does) lay and that is something i would(should) never give away.

Dedicated to things unoticed(unconscious)

dear fellow train-car buddy,

if you had only looked into my eyes you would have seen my heart and then you would have realized i was okay (i am okay) for my connection to God, Baha'u'llah and my spirit are existent (Glory be to God). i was sitting there asking you to simply listen; to help me for a moment hold my words so i could gradually caught my breath and eventually carry the full weight of my words again. for i was on my way to drop them off the mount of detachment, patience and trust where i could walk away satisfied knowing i had done the right thing. But, you, it seemed were lost on the path of regret, pushing me to take the advice you wish you could give yourself and then asking me for directions. i guess in the end we failed each other... but only in the sense of not giving each other what we wanted. for we gave each other what we needed and perhaps a perspective only found through honest reflection.

thank you.

things i suggest to do

read this book and enjoy it. or really just do something that will fill you up with joy (no matter what it is, go do it now or go and plan to do it sooner rather than later).

the life of a bouncer

in this moment everything seems so hard. it's like i can't get enough oxygen through my nose to clear out the dizzy cloud swirling in my head. sometimes (especially after four months) living out of a suitcase leaves me exhausted. and this exhaustion feels heavier when my vision is blurry and i can't see what is right in front of me, where this is all leading me, or what pillow my head is going to land on this week or even (sometimes) tomorrow. i grow tired and overwhelmed and a bitter rant waits to be uttered full of complaints, full of wrongs. but then i force myself to remember that even though i don't know which pillow i will land on at least i know there will be a pillow there. i won't go to sleep hungry. i won't go to sleep unloved or alone. God's love is always right there and I have turned towards it, making it ever so easier to accept. and even though i want a bed, i want a job, i want stability, i know that if these things were what i needed then i would have them and that really, this is just a moment within eternity. it is a moment well worth it, for all the pain and hardship i feel is only drawing me closer and closer to God and in the end isn't that what this life is all about?

findings

i have avoided american apparel at all cost ever since their store in evanston opened up and i saw in the display window a video all about how their model was a famous porn star. there was just something that stuck me, maybe it was the obvious "we are selling sex" message that ended up never stepping into any of their stores nor even looked at any of their products. then i found out from my friend dan (aka my number one fashion industry know it all resource) that they sell 100% organic cotton. this news came in a year after i first was introduced to their image and my straight up hating of american apparel died down a little. then this week, knowing that their are tons of their stores in chicago, i decided to look into the company online and found that they are trying to build a company that doesn't outsource, gives their workers benefits, subsidized transportation, subsidized lunches and even go as far to open a clinic at their L.A. warehouse for their co-workers. Needless to say i was impressed and thought hey, perhaps i should apply there. today, i pushed their revolving door until the store revealed itself to me and kept pushing until i was safely back on the sidewalk. i don't know what it was exactly, but my gut description was, "so this is what a store on acid looks like." there was just this weird, odd and strange energy in the place that i couldn't quit get what it was but had absolutely no interest in staying around to find out. so good job american apparel on doing all that you do, being conscious of your workers and such, but sorry, i just don't feel your image.

so i don't feel american apparel or their stores at least, but here are a few places that i just recently discovered and am really enjoying. the first one is a clothing line called Armour Sans Anguish that is out of San Fransisco. they take and recycle vintage clothing. i like their imagination and playfulness. then there is this line called William Good which is brought to you by the designer who was made famous from the Joe Boxer line. basically he teamed up with Good Will to take some of the gazillion pounds of clothes Good Will gets and recycles the clothes by adding a little bit of his own style to them and then resells them creating a William Good boutique. from what i read on their website one of the goals of the company is creating the next level from people who work at Good Will. pretty sweet. next on my findings was an awesome shop in L.A. called Fresh Press, if you are in L.A. please just go for me and then tell me how awesome i am imagining it is. lastly, dear friends, i have found my dream home. one day i will move to l.a. and i will live in this house (probably not, but why not dream). currently it is occupied by the guy who built it; ray kappe. unfortunately can not find as good as pictures that were in the dwell article, but there was something about the split levels and the where the lines cut that just got me drooling. there is a bunch of other nice stuff i discovered today, but i think one more link would kill this post. i'm thinking though that i'm going to have to set up monthly afternoons devoted to barnes and noble, there is just too much to be discovered just with the magazines.

haircuts?

as husayn cut away suzanne's, matt's and my dad's hair this past week i'm feeling like my hair is heavy and with this humid weather anything that feels weighty on your body must go. so i'm thinking of going shorter, shorter than i have ever gone. problems i forsee with this approach is my very round face, but i think i'm willing to take a risk. hair grows back and i'm not the one who has to look at my head the most. the following are some cuts i'm drawn to, and then a sloppy photoshop version of what they may (or probably won't) look like.


what do you think, is this a summer adventure i should pursue?

their "destiny"

unable to accept the change, he turns to walk away. tears burn as she holds onto loyalties of shame. out of desperation (and utter forgetfulness) she reveals her true self and with two words she expresses all her needs, "please stay."



he turns, and walks away.

the sky breaks in sync with the tare of her pain. and as she listens to the earth's anger she starts to believe she is the only one to blame. by morning the rain begins to stop, and the pit-pat-patters whisper, "only your faith in God is what matters."

so you think you can dance..or fall in love without us noticing

is it just me or is there a little something, something going on between cat and thayne?

cat seems pretty nuzzily and protective ("well, if you feel like they are a little better than good or amazing! or AWESOME!!!!!! vote for thayne (my secret lover) and comfort". i dunno that's just what i'm getting, anybody else picking up on it?