strugglings

recently i have realized how completely blessed i am more fully, and this realization has brought me down to understand a deeper level of humility and gratitude. i struggled for a bit wondering why i do i get to be so blessed, when so many other people seem to struggle and struggle and struggle? i cried thinking of everyone's struggles, and i cried even harder thinking of the choices we make with our free will. i cried until i remembered our equality, that God doesn't test us beyond our capacities, and really we are all blessed but sometimes, many times, we fall victim to ourselves and forget.

enjoying:

Devon Gundry - "Armed" from Justin Baldoni on Vimeo.


the pairing of these two (Devon Gundry and Justin Baldoni) takes me to a deeper place leaving me feeling unconstrained. the sincerity found in gundry's voice is humbling. needless to say, i very much like this video.

take the time to reflect and remember

"O MY FRIENDS! Have ye forgotten that true and radiant morn, when in those hallowed and blessed surroundings ye were all gathered in My presence beneath the shade of the tree of life, which is planted in the all-glorious paradise? Awe-struck ye listened as I gave utterance to these three most holy words: O friends! Prefer not your will to Mine, never desire that which I have not desired for you, and approach Me not with lifeless hearts, defile with worldly desires and cravings. Would ye but sanctify your souls, ye would at this present hour recall that place and those surroundings, and the truth of My utterance should be made evident unto all of you."

-the 19th Persian Hidden Words of Baha'u'llah

i have a dream

that one day people will build and keep the peace through the bad-ass means of justice and stop keeping the piece of their false realities that they hold onto so tightly. then they will finally see themselves and me clearly; we are noble, people, noble beings.

take a step back and take that in. what does that mean? being a noble being to me means that with all my heart, no matter how corny or unimaginable this sounds, i love all of humanity and i strive everyday to serve it the best i can. that means i love you (yes you!) and i try to serve you. i love you unconditionally. are we married? are we family? are we friends? do we talk to each other? do we know each other? none of these titles or what your relation to me is, was, could be matters, i still love you. come on! let's be awesome already and rise to our nobility.





*dedicated to the ms. katy luxion and awesome conversations.

un-learning(shaking the dust)

splash
Originally uploaded by rutinha

gravy pours down my arm. my dad told me, warned me, "hold on carefully." i grasped both ends of the china "so delicate" i thought. it was my duty to carry it from the kitchen to the dinner room table. i walk with both eyes on the gravy until i trip on my grandma's guilt and my grandpa's rotting teeth. i fall, i have a choice to make, either i let of the china and let grace take it's fall or i clutch it ever so tightly, putting it before me and finish falling on my face. time it seems starts to turn slowly, waiting for me to decide. my dad's words are the ones i remember, but i don't think he meant for me to choose the gravy's fate before mine. with eyes wide shut i let go of the china. right hand first (without even thinking). my left hand still clutching, trying to hold the unbalanced weight. hot gravy burns my skin and still consciously i have to tell myself to let it go.

let. it. go.

i cry having to watch it break. i cry, foolishly thinking that it was(is) my job to save her. that my actions could(can) make her decision. forgetting my nobility, playing into false realities, i get stuck within my own susceptibility. but then grace catches me, somewhere between the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end, and teaches me to consciously let my worries go. so the gravy pours down my arm, but i have learned where my trust should(does) lay and that is something i would(should) never give away.

Dedicated to things unoticed(unconscious)

dear fellow train-car buddy,

if you had only looked into my eyes you would have seen my heart and then you would have realized i was okay (i am okay) for my connection to God, Baha'u'llah and my spirit are existent (Glory be to God). i was sitting there asking you to simply listen; to help me for a moment hold my words so i could gradually caught my breath and eventually carry the full weight of my words again. for i was on my way to drop them off the mount of detachment, patience and trust where i could walk away satisfied knowing i had done the right thing. But, you, it seemed were lost on the path of regret, pushing me to take the advice you wish you could give yourself and then asking me for directions. i guess in the end we failed each other... but only in the sense of not giving each other what we wanted. for we gave each other what we needed and perhaps a perspective only found through honest reflection.

thank you.

things i suggest to do

read this book and enjoy it. or really just do something that will fill you up with joy (no matter what it is, go do it now or go and plan to do it sooner rather than later).

the life of a bouncer

in this moment everything seems so hard. it's like i can't get enough oxygen through my nose to clear out the dizzy cloud swirling in my head. sometimes (especially after four months) living out of a suitcase leaves me exhausted. and this exhaustion feels heavier when my vision is blurry and i can't see what is right in front of me, where this is all leading me, or what pillow my head is going to land on this week or even (sometimes) tomorrow. i grow tired and overwhelmed and a bitter rant waits to be uttered full of complaints, full of wrongs. but then i force myself to remember that even though i don't know which pillow i will land on at least i know there will be a pillow there. i won't go to sleep hungry. i won't go to sleep unloved or alone. God's love is always right there and I have turned towards it, making it ever so easier to accept. and even though i want a bed, i want a job, i want stability, i know that if these things were what i needed then i would have them and that really, this is just a moment within eternity. it is a moment well worth it, for all the pain and hardship i feel is only drawing me closer and closer to God and in the end isn't that what this life is all about?

findings

i have avoided american apparel at all cost ever since their store in evanston opened up and i saw in the display window a video all about how their model was a famous porn star. there was just something that stuck me, maybe it was the obvious "we are selling sex" message that ended up never stepping into any of their stores nor even looked at any of their products. then i found out from my friend dan (aka my number one fashion industry know it all resource) that they sell 100% organic cotton. this news came in a year after i first was introduced to their image and my straight up hating of american apparel died down a little. then this week, knowing that their are tons of their stores in chicago, i decided to look into the company online and found that they are trying to build a company that doesn't outsource, gives their workers benefits, subsidized transportation, subsidized lunches and even go as far to open a clinic at their L.A. warehouse for their co-workers. Needless to say i was impressed and thought hey, perhaps i should apply there. today, i pushed their revolving door until the store revealed itself to me and kept pushing until i was safely back on the sidewalk. i don't know what it was exactly, but my gut description was, "so this is what a store on acid looks like." there was just this weird, odd and strange energy in the place that i couldn't quit get what it was but had absolutely no interest in staying around to find out. so good job american apparel on doing all that you do, being conscious of your workers and such, but sorry, i just don't feel your image.

so i don't feel american apparel or their stores at least, but here are a few places that i just recently discovered and am really enjoying. the first one is a clothing line called Armour Sans Anguish that is out of San Fransisco. they take and recycle vintage clothing. i like their imagination and playfulness. then there is this line called William Good which is brought to you by the designer who was made famous from the Joe Boxer line. basically he teamed up with Good Will to take some of the gazillion pounds of clothes Good Will gets and recycles the clothes by adding a little bit of his own style to them and then resells them creating a William Good boutique. from what i read on their website one of the goals of the company is creating the next level from people who work at Good Will. pretty sweet. next on my findings was an awesome shop in L.A. called Fresh Press, if you are in L.A. please just go for me and then tell me how awesome i am imagining it is. lastly, dear friends, i have found my dream home. one day i will move to l.a. and i will live in this house (probably not, but why not dream). currently it is occupied by the guy who built it; ray kappe. unfortunately can not find as good as pictures that were in the dwell article, but there was something about the split levels and the where the lines cut that just got me drooling. there is a bunch of other nice stuff i discovered today, but i think one more link would kill this post. i'm thinking though that i'm going to have to set up monthly afternoons devoted to barnes and noble, there is just too much to be discovered just with the magazines.

haircuts?

as husayn cut away suzanne's, matt's and my dad's hair this past week i'm feeling like my hair is heavy and with this humid weather anything that feels weighty on your body must go. so i'm thinking of going shorter, shorter than i have ever gone. problems i forsee with this approach is my very round face, but i think i'm willing to take a risk. hair grows back and i'm not the one who has to look at my head the most. the following are some cuts i'm drawn to, and then a sloppy photoshop version of what they may (or probably won't) look like.


what do you think, is this a summer adventure i should pursue?

their "destiny"

unable to accept the change, he turns to walk away. tears burn as she holds onto loyalties of shame. out of desperation (and utter forgetfulness) she reveals her true self and with two words she expresses all her needs, "please stay."



he turns, and walks away.

the sky breaks in sync with the tare of her pain. and as she listens to the earth's anger she starts to believe she is the only one to blame. by morning the rain begins to stop, and the pit-pat-patters whisper, "only your faith in God is what matters."

so you think you can dance..or fall in love without us noticing

is it just me or is there a little something, something going on between cat and thayne?

cat seems pretty nuzzily and protective ("well, if you feel like they are a little better than good or amazing! or AWESOME!!!!!! vote for thayne (my secret lover) and comfort". i dunno that's just what i'm getting, anybody else picking up on it?

when the spirit says move,

move.

home visits

so as we reside in tempe, az for the week we are going around doing musical home visits. (home visits: trips to peoples homes to build stronger relationships; usually share some prayers/have devotions, deepen/talk about spiritual reality and the baha'i faith, or pretty much whatever people want to do with a goal of being of service to each other). yesterday we made our way to an apartment complex and knocked on the door of a man who recently declared. at the first knock no one answered. after the second a dazed man opened the door and then quickly ran back to his chair. our friend, who had visit the man before, walked in to talk to him. the man broke down in tears and eventually asked the rest of us to come in to say prayers. so the five us walked in and we all sat down. you could tell the man was in bad shape; he was alone in his dark apartment and seemed to not have had the chance to shower in days. before we started our devotions we asked him if there was anything specific in his life that he wanted us to pray for. he mumbled, "yes, my job." we started our prayers and we sang for an hour and a half. between our songs i silently prayed that he would let his spirit guides to come and help him, almost instantaneously i sensed all those who were helping him in the apartment and that apartment was packed man. in particular, i could tell that his mom was right there with him. i thought i was just visualizing and making this all up in my head, but once the devotions were over he opened up his heart and shared with us all that he is going through. his mom, he said, who he was very close to died two years ago and that he missed her so much that it became a physical pain. i told him that she is always with him in spirit, and he said, "yes, sometimes at night i see her." he went on to tell us he has been battling with depression (he was recently in the hospital for back pain and in turn, i believe, his job is in jeopardy and on top of it all he has seven siblings but no one comes to check up on him and it leaves him feeling absolutely alone). we found out that before we came he was going to go out and buy alcohol with his rent money and then come home and take all the pills he got from the hospital. instead, he said, he prayed to God and asked for help and he was very thankful when we showed up, because we are the only people that visit him. we sat there and we listened and we helped him find hope to live. the only thing that brightened his face was his nieces and nephews. "they need me," he said, "they are the ones that love me." it is love that gives us hope, it is love that gives us faith, and it is love that is God.

"Know thou of a certainty that Love is the secret of God's holy Dispensation, the manifestation of the All-Merciful, the fountain of spiritual outpourings. Love is heaven's kindly light, the Holy Spirit's eternal breath that vivifieth the human soul. Love is the cause of God's revelation unto man, the vital bond inherent, in accordance withe divine creation, in the realities of things. Love is the one means that ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next. Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that sureth the progress of every illumined soul. Love is the most great law that ruleth this might and heavenly cycle, the unique power that bindeth together the divers elements of this material world, the supreme magnetic force that directeth the movements of the spheres in the celestial realms. Love revealeth with unfailing and limitless power the mysteries latent in the universe. Love is the spirit of life unto the adorned body of mankind, the establisher of true civilization in this mortal world, and the shedder of imperishable glory upon every high-aiming race and nation." -Baha'i Writings

(loving is what it is all about.)

and we're off

jessica, katy and i are off (while okay, katy in a week) for our summer service trip. think musical devotionals and youth night firesides, add a car, and cities such as phoenix, flagstaff, tuscon, portland, seattle and a bunch of stops in between. right now we are enjoying (and i am surprisingly loving) overland park, ks. getting a last minute play date with erin was wonderful and the amazing johnson family has hooked us up with places to stay in east kansas AND denver. next stop: hays, kansas! (via the backroads).

i want to yell this to the whole world

not every sign is for you to figure out. not every happening is yours to understand or even know. what will be will! be! yet, if you still find yourself wanting to know (or even an over zealous need to know) think of your worst fear, give it a hug, and then let it go.

i watch ugly betty

and can i just say: Gio!!!




(he makes me happy)

Recipe:

combine the lyrics of ani difranco's "Bouquet" with a part of an old relationship unexpressed, a boy's confession of his sole desire to raise a reaction, a girl looking for just one piece of a long lost puzzle, a long ride home on the "el".

mix ingredients together, watch patiently as the words fall into place, enjoy and you might find yourself published in the 2008 edition of In Other Words.

yay for poetry! (and double yay for possible, unexpected income.)

opps, my bad.

anybody wanna a pair of shoes?



















after a weird moment in the car i turned left and ended up at DSW wear i found these delicious purple shoes (picture below...70 freaking percent off!). in all honesty i shouldn't have bought them because well, i no longer work at the buck of stars and thus only have money for food. but my feet have been seriously abused and when i put on the purple goddesses my feet glowed of happiness, so in a way i had to get them.





anyways, as it happened to turn out i also found a pair of brown all-star converse for 70 freaking percent off only to realize that they were a size 10 in men's after i had already stitched on them. so i'm giving them away. anybody want? they are a size 10 in men's (that converts to an 11 in women's) and if you like the stitching i would love to add more, but if not that's cool too. i just want to find someone to give them to. don't forget that Naw-Ruz (the Baha'i new year) is on friday. they could make a nifty gift....

Proposal

the definition, by what we mean when we say society

comes from the generalization we see from the lives

portrayed on t.v.

but what’s really going on in our society?

I see mothers driven to insanity

overwhelmed by their responsibilities

left upon them from a lack of community

i see children turning to drugs

to escape the pain of our

fucked up reality

I see the rage of the

“Right of the Individual”

messing with our nobility

can’t you see?

“We are flowers of one garden,

Leaves of one tree,

Waves of one ocean” *

the human body is our

community and our cancer

is our society

we are dying forgetting our own equality.

so come with me, stand up

take hold of your identity,

become a conscious member of humanity

and help me

i’ll bring what i see, and

you bring what you see and

together let’s change our reality.

together, let’s redefine our society.

*quote taken from the Writings of Baha’u’llah.

leap this year

all the wintery-fullness has hit me full force and i'm tested on average three times a week to my baby bear instincts to crawl into a hole and sleep until sunshine and all it's warmth wakes me again. if it weren't for the lack of universal health care i'd seriously considering dropping all of my classes and moving to where ever warmth lives. wow, i think the reality of that thought just caught up to me and has me shaking from the weight of the honesty behind it.

dang heath care.

dang student loans.

dang fears.


yet, in the back of my mind i can't help but laughing... the Fast has such perfect timing.

muddled thoughts

many levels we don't see, blinded by dichotomies. separating with walls built off fears and other false necessities. what happened to our faith and our vision that we are one family? what caused us to utterly forget our purpose or lead us to give up searching what we are made to be?

O SON OF SPIRIT!
I created thee rich, why dost thou bring thyself down to poverty? Noble I made thee, wherewith dost thou abase thyself? Out of the essence of knowledge I gave thee being, why seekest thou enlightenment from anyone beside Me? Out of the clay of love I molded thee, how dost thou busy thyself with another? Turn thy sight unto thyself, that thou mayest find Me standing within thee, mighty, powerful and self-subsisting.

-Bahá'u'lláh

has anyone heard "New Soul" by Yael Naïm? it plays on the new apple commercial, and i'm pretty much in love with the song...i kinda feel like i wrote it.