"i've decided to do a year of service next year."
my mom: "oh really. why's that?"
"i don't know."
when i was eight i told myself that when i grew up i would be a christian. they had it easy. christians, as i saw it, had a simple religion. everyone knew their religion and they never had to go through that awkward silence that followed the question, "what? baha'i? what is that?" at least for me there was always an awkward silence, because i had no idea how to answer that question. i would finally say, "we believe in the unity of all religions and...peace." i guess since i didn't understand what i was saying no one else understood what i was saying. so by high school i would always respond, "we believe in all the prophets and then some."
how could someone who grew up a baha'i practically not know anything about it? i don't know, but it happened. or does is it "it happens"? am i the only one that struggles with growing up in a certain religion and then one day realizes i know nothing about this religion i say i believe in? no really, the only thing i knew and was sure of were the laws of the baha'i faith. other then that it was a big blur of stories and information. it was no big deal when i was little going to sunday school and not knowing anything, because i was still young and i would catch on eventually. then as middle school came i started to feel embarrassed that i didn't know the answers to the majority of the questions. sunday school to me (because i'm weird and not because that was how it really was) felt like a place i went not to be taught about the faith but a place where i was reminded about things i should already know. sort of like it was a pop quiz each time i went.
in high school i wanted to learn more. i wanted to know more about my own religion. i really wanted to go to youth retreats but the combinations of being too darn shy and being embarrassed that i didn't already know about the faith caused me not to go. if i wanted to know more why didn't i just pick up some books and do my own investigation? i don't know why i didn't do that. i tried but for whatever reason i just couldn't do it. i didn't know where to start. what book do i read first? and then not knowing where to start made me feel stupid and brought back my shame of not already knowing my own faith.
the frustration of not knowing as much as i would like about the baha'i faith became so great that taking a year off from school and doing a year of service seemed to be the best thing for me to do. so here i am. serving a cause i feel i know so little of while trying to learn all i can.
-----
I'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
I'm sorry that after all these years
I've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
I guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
I guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am
And i don't know what it is about you
I just know it's not what it was
I don't know why red fades before blue it just does
And i don't know what it is about me
That i just can't keep still
I keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you
And maybe someday i will
I guess i never loved you quite as well
As the way you loved me
I guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am
Sorry i am
Sorry i am
Sorry i am
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2 comments:
I know how you feel. I felt that if I would go to Baha'i events and act a little open or crazy that people would look at me weird. I guess that when I had enough times where people decided that I wasn't worth their time that I decided to start reading the writings, though mostly it been me realizing why I act and respond the way that I do. Even though we feel that we don't necessarily know that much about our religions there are many people that hold us in high respect and find that your one of the best people to talk things through with, since their opinion and ideas are ones that they trust.
Thanks for being one of those people for me. I know that we haven't been in touch for awhile, but it would be nice to start up again. It's neat to hear about all your experiences. I hope that you're doing well and things are going wonderfully for you. Talk to you later.
-Katy L.
I discovered this same thing in the last year or so.
Nice poem.
Nathan
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