a post with alot of me, myself, and i's

way back when i moved into evanston, i went to a women's night with my sister suzanne. and there a women gave a talk about her recent stay in hawaii, when she went to just get away and re-group. after her incredible story of stength and faith, she asked us to write down something we each individually were struggling with. after a few moments, after not really thinking about it, i scribbled down "direction" on my piece of paper.

i'm struggling with direction; WHERE am i going? WHEN am i going to get there? ...HOW am i going to get there? are a few questions that are running thorugh my head. i'm currently switching my major from architecture to art and design. i've just wasted a semester, which has resulted into a year, of trying to pretend and hold onto architecture as my desired career path. why? i knew that architecture wasn't what i wanted, i had no passion for it. i knew that architecture lacked the majority of the type of creativity i love to play with and create. so why did i try to pretend to want something i knew i did not want?

while growing up the majority of my frustration stemmed from not being able to make decisions. i remember destinctly standing at a vending machine on our way up to michigan, just staring at the candy inside. did i want the peanut butter m&m's or the regular m&m's? did i want a pack of gum? a bag of chips? malt balls? panic grew inside me, "what do i want!?" then my mom and sister sara tried helping me decide. "well, what are you in the mood for anya?" they kept asking me. i could not decide, i did not want to get one thing and find that that was not what i wanted. i didn't want to make a mistake. the frustration grew too big and the panic ended up overwhelming me, so i just walked away.

my lack of direction and inablilty to make decisions go hand in hand. i never thought i'd be here. when imagining my future self i always passed over the college years and went straight into picturing life that followed college. my family, my career, ect. even that was fuzzy and just silly girlish imaginings (which i guess any furture imaginings of yourself are). i couldn't create direction for myself, because that would mean i would have to decide what that direction would be. i didn't know where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do. possibilities and options were/are endless. i wanted someone to come and tell me, "anya you have to be blankyadiblank" or "anya, you have to go into blankyadiblank." i just wanted for someone to tell me where to go, so i wouldn't have to decide myself. and i guess it all comes down to fear. fearing i will make a mistake, fearing to create realistic dreams and set goals. fearing to fail, fearing to get hurt. but isn't that life? you only learn from failures. it's not as though you fail, that's it. it's over. there, that's the backward mindset i've been thinking in. i'm afraid to try, because i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid let myself get attachted or excited about things that aren't difinate.

then i start thinking, on the other hand. i'm not that afraid, i know what will happen will happen. what will be, will be. there is a reason for everything, and sooner or later you might find out why...or you may not. i beilieve in God. i put my trust in God. so why should i be fearful? maybe there inlies the problem. maybe before i didn't really put my trust in God and instead invested more in fear.

oh fear, you nasty little thing.

------------------

Measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare,
the time it takes to get from here to there.
My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free;
I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely.
I am so much better than I used to be.

Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
And drowning in the pools of other lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty.
Armed with every precious failure, and amateur cartography,
I breathe in deep before I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it feels okay.

And I'm leaving. Wave goodbye.
And I'm losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember.
Sing my imperfect offering

Forest of Illusion

since the library is out of sapranos season three, i have filled that time with playing super mario world. i now know what i was missing out on (our family never had nintendo, and when we went to visit our cousins in ohio..who had nintendo..only my older sisters got to play).

life. is. grand.

UPDATE: i am currently stuck in the forest of illusion, all paths have become circles. what thing did i miss in what level?

When you never hear it, then on top of that you barely feel it...love gets lost.

the following isn't funny, nor is it suppose to be.

i feel like a greasy schmuck, who's in great need of a "refreshed" spirit. almost as much as this sememster killed me, this transition from trying to do everything all at once all the time to having absolutely nothing to do, is almost too much for me to handle. besides the sopranos (only for half an episode), nothing caughtes my interest. no, it's more like nothing holds my interest. forms of entertainment feel empty (minus ice skating and sledding), i feel restless and impatient. i can't figure out all of what is involved with this unexpected switch in mood or more importantly (well, maybe not more importantly) what's going to pull me out of it.

"Now, and for a long time, the best way she knew to settle her mind was to run. Sometimes she felt that the meditative state of the long, quiet miles helped her think. Sometimes she felt that the pure exhaustion helped her not think. Sometimes she beileved that she was running toward some sort of resolution, and other times she knew she was just plain running away. Still, it was what she did."

too bad i live in chicago, and it's currently negavtive degrees out (without the windchill).


----------------------------

I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i've said too much
I'm afraid of who has heard me

I am up again against
The skin of my guitar
In the window of my life
Looking out through the bars
I am sounding out the silence
Avoiding all the words
I'm afraid i can never say enough
I'm afraid no one has heard me

I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

where was on the weekends this semester? i was wondering all over chicago sketching in my notebook. here are some of my favorites from the whole semester. you'd think i'd have more, but then you'd look in my sketchbook and then you'd understand. (there is a green strip because this is a copy of a page of my portfolio...and i was going to post my whole portfolio to show you what i've been doing while living in studio, but it's oh so much better when you flip through the real thing yourself)



this one is my personal favorite, for personal reasons. i first saw this man playing his violin i was waiting for the el at jackson and he instantly reminded me of my grandpa. this, naturally, made me happy and for whatever reason i just wanted a picture of him sitting there playing his violin. but by the time i pulled out my camera, the train was in front of me and i had to go. then about two weeks later for architecture we went to the art institute for a field trip and there he was playing right out in front of it. that's when i got the chance to sketch him.

--------------

There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down

I finally drove out where the sky is dark enough to see stars

"AN-A!"

"AN-A!!"

"AMIA!"

"An-a!"

"Amia!"

"An-a!"

i roll over in my bed.

"Up"

i then pull her up into my bed and she quickly says, "In!" and i raise my blankets for her to crawl into bed with me. "elie-phant! in," and i throw in the elephant (sorry liza, still haven't found it...and don't bother coming over to look for it when we find it we'll let you know). as i listen to her giggle under the covers i think to myself, "this is the single most absolute best way to wake up," and i get a moment that puts into perspective of what true happiness really is.

How to start a break off right.

i just finished watching the first season of the sopranos. husayn got me hooked after turning it on during thanksgiving and now, now i'm crazy about it. i'm renting the second season tomorrow (thank goodness for libraries and their hidden vhs' in the back corner)

i can tell, already, that this is going to a one good winter break.

----------------

I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling
An earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows

I've made my bed and now I'm gonna lay in it.

quite possibly the best, yet most dangerous thing to shop for while sick...

bedding. you try to stay within your budget (of zero $) but you feel so miserable that you will take anything that appeals to the comfort of your bed.

went to ikea today (great place) and decided it was time for me to get myself a down comforter at long last. i have wanted one since i was in sixth grade. in "home 1" i found exactly what i wanted, but then when we were looking at the bed frame section liza hurried over to me, took hold of my arm (as if she were amia), and dragged me across to the bed sheets that she knew i would like. and she was right, i loved them. sadly, they were expencive and in the end i went with the less expencive set (i'm cheap like that). it was when i picked out the down comforter that i wanted, but was not about to pay that much for, that liza remembered she had an extra one from her single days. so to celebrate this great borrow that equates to a down comforter for anya, anya got herself a sara-like pillow, AT a reasonible price i might add. so now, as i lay in my bed putting off writting my cover letter for english, scanning in my drawings for arch, reading for philosophy, or catching up on my math class that i skipped on wednesday ('cause i'm bad-ass like that) with my body feeling like crap, i smile. i've made my bed and now i'm gonna lay in it.

every now and then, i fall apart

overall this semester has taken it out of me. it's like i've been in two places at once, but really never being fully in either place. always rushing, always having something or some other place to be. never having the time to even talk on the phone to keep in touch with people, or time to write for that matter. i've lost touch with all who know me. and that, that makes me sad. but mostly dissappointed in myself. i'm so shy, so far from being a social warrior, that it takes time for people to get to know me. so why have i failed in keeping in touch, you would think that i would value those realationships enough to keep them up. i'm so tired of it, so tired of being shy and such a wallflower. but how does one go around changing such a big part of their personality? is it even possible? maybe for some people, but for me? i try to visualize it and it seems partically possible, but then i remind myself what i do do when faced with a room full of people i don't know and what i thought may be obtainable, no longer is.

---------------------------

The answer came
Like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
Making a bomb shelter of our basement
And i can't believe you let the moral go by
While you were soaking in the product placement

Where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters
That you wrote to yourself
But could not address?

There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
A whole childhood of potions
That are all bottled up
And so one by one i am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
And i'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists
That we hold in our fists
Of the things that we promise to do
Differently next time

Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus i'm not listening to you anymore
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And i'm mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated
Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do i do with all these letters
That i wrote to myself
But cannot address?

oh, the weekend that was.

an update in somewhat list form, because those are always nice (aka a yawn post to avoid those soon to be comments demanding an update)...

THE LOWLIGHTS (things that made me sad):

-the potrayal of dumbledore in the new h.p. movie. come on, would dumbledore EVER choke harry? does he EVER lose his temper? does he EVER yell at the students? does he EVER seem confused?

-talking myself into staying in studio on friday to get ahead of my workload for the weekend. then, as i am taking off my fourth (yes, fourth) axon drawing that i spent four hours on, i ripped it. (and yes, at that moment i fell to the floor and just cried, while asking in my delusioned state "why God, why?")

-having to close with a new manager at p*nea, fearing he was a cleaning nazi.

-finding out katie and nathan won't be coming up for thanksgiving

-not being able to participate in a study circle at my house, because i had to work on architecture and had to run to work

-knowing that after i got out of work, it was only the begining of my night

-pulling two mini all-nighters

-i lied. after finding out that the night before when i didn't pay for parking was a fluke and that i wasn't going to be able to leave without paying $5.75 (which meant i would have to re-park walk to white hen, hope it's open, pay atm charge to get money, buy something to get change, and then walk back to my car in chicago, by myself at three in the morning). this, mind you, was after a good ten minutes driving around the lot trying and re-trying to get out, thinking i was crazy because i couldn't remember what i did last night to get out. so i called the emergency help line and when asked if i had paid the $5.75 that i did not have to pay the night before, i lied and said, "yeah."

-knowing that i technically owe uic $11.25

-sholeh's last uic bahai association meeting

-finally getting to register for classes for next spring, but only thus far sign up for two classes

-eating a hot pocket and drinking a vanilla pepsi for dinner which i ate at eleven

-dealing with a screwed up sleep schedule, where now i can't fall asleep until three

THE HIGHLIGHTS (things that made up for it):

-getting to see the new h.p. movie at 12:01 with liza and brent

-being honored the "fuck up of the month" by naida in studio for ripping my axon.

-making an axon wall where i put up all the ten thousand "rough draft" axons it took to get to my final one, and then collecting everyone elses "rough draf" axons and putting them up (it's one fine wall, let me tell you)

-finding out that the new manager is no cleaning nazi and likes to go home as much as i do

-taking saturday off to watch amia, that girl cracks me up with every move she makes.

-realizing as i was trying to slowly put amia on her bed, after she fell asleep on our walk, that a one and a half year old had me pinned down and there was nothing i could do about it

-fighting over who gets liza's elephant with amia

-then one morning waking up missing it after falling asleep with it the night before only to find amia playing with it in the living room.

-finding out that there is a "santa express" el by caughting it on my way to work (you don't know the definition of "decked out with christmas decorations" until you have seen that el, serioulsy)

-thinking that when i walked into studio on sunday at 11:30 pm i'd be alone, only to find out i wasn't

-driving downtown at three in the morning and getting to see state street all lit up, completely empty

-getting into art history 111 discussion group on weds. with all my friends in arch studio who i'll be leaving (okay so that last part is sad)

-celebrating wendy's birthday at geodano's

-homemade pumpkin pie...yummy!

-getting to play basketball!! (i forgot how much i miss playing)

-realizing that i didn't have to trim down my axon paper, because i drew it perfectly centered (i got nervous every time i touched that drawing, fearing i would some how mess it up again)

-getting some sleep

-having a good, open, long, funny conversation with a dear friend

AND

-forgetting and then remembering that thanksgivng is...(gasp!)... TOMORROW!!





What is your ideal date?

The last thursday of each November.

Say it isn't so! Say it isn't so!

lock all the doors.

turn off all the lights.

disconnect your phone.

lay in your bed and just start to cry.

Arrested Development has been canceled.

*UPDATE: Maybe there is something you can do, like Get Arrested! or something.

Mantengase Alejado de la Puerta

Made from love that is all pretending, we gave birth to a girl name Silence. One accepts and tries to fulfill her needs,one ignores her very existance. Both try to push away that which brought her here. Until both acknowledge her presence, she will never be able to leave, she will never be set free.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck

and take it to another city, boy, i don't know what to tell you.

it is fall and the crisp coldness that comes with fall is creeping into chicago. it is at this time of the year when i actually day dream about running. maybe this feeling has been programed into me after the years of last minute preparation for basketball tryouts. whatever the reason i love it. i love having the desire to go running and having to bundel up for the cold weather outside and then having it half off by the time i'm done from amount i have pushed myself. there is something about the cold weather, in it i can push myself further and faster. maybe it has to do with the fact the further and faster i go the less and less i can feel my limbs. or maybe it has to do with something else, who knows.

the crisp fall air that fills my lungs, my favorite pair of sweats, the crunching of the golden leaves under my feet and the darkness that surrounds me...all that was missing to make this the perfect run was some rain.

--------------------

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

*jack handey is my hero.

What is going on?

Witness. I went home on friday, but when I saw this I wasn't sure where I was. Confusion set in as soon as I saw it, "What? Is that...? Where am I? Mooommmm!!!!" Terror seized me, for change in my home is hard for me to handle. I like knowing where everything is, where I can find things, what I can expect. A place where I know where I am and what I can do. Last time, when I saw the deforesting on the corner of prarie and that other street (near the knolls) I almost cried. Batavia, what are you doing getting rid of those trees? But that I can handle, that is developement. Or the new stop sign by the high school,
even that I can get used to. But change inside my own home is what I truely struggle with. The disappearance of Grandma Lehman's rocking chair (my parents waiting until I was gone for a weekend to throw it out). Then there now is an ocassionly a television WITH a DVD player sitting in our living room. That is a change I'm still getting used to. But what about this? Actual white bread in my home? This is unheard of. This is unfathomable. I mean, look WHITE bread sitting on my dinning room table. I can truthfully say that no one has ever seen such a thing.





This would be me on my 23rd hour. Yes, I officially feel like an architect student now, after pulling my first all-nighter on wednesday. On that One Great Day, I was in the AA building down in studio for 29 hours. When I finally finished all my work at 5:30 a.m. Nadia and I set off to find the roof to watch the sunrise (which everyone kept calling sunset, because that was just how long it had been since we had been outside). We successfully found the little window on the fifth floor and got onto the roof. We were quite proud of ourselves. Here is me climbing through the little window...
Can you see the little brown stain on my pants? Yeah, that would be from my 12th hour when my meatball sandwich landed in my lap and created two big brown stains on my pants that I would be wearing for another 28 hours. Oh! and here are the brusies I got from climbing through that little window. It took me awhile to figure out where those brusies were from when i found them...(i was tired, i couldn't think, i couldn't
remember).















I don't know how to wrap this up...sooo...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MI FASHA WHO I LOVA!

This picture is too good to appear only on one blog...

This would be the family that I could spend hours upon hours gushing about (literally). On the far left we have Jack-Jack (aka Xyden, who's smile would make your month...my month has been made... just because it is that beautiful...not to mention rare). On the floor is, "Edna Mole, darling" (aka my Katana-bana who is now all about giving the biggest-bestest hugs one has ever gotten). Far left we have Dash (aka Vahid WHO'S IN KINDERGARDEN and all grown up...but he still likes to play "making the food" with me). Oh and in the middle, there is Violet (aka Mady, aka the girl who got me addicted to the spiderman video game...*by the way anyone who has or knows of anyone who has that game, we are now best friends. it's official). As for the two left to be identified, they are Mr. and Mrs. Incredible (if you haven't figured that out already) or in other words the two people who must make the worlds best children. These are the Incrediebles, quiet possibly the only people that could make Nashville a bearable..err...I mean...memorable place.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

heatherkid1: all right, well, I'm going to go back to watch the game now.
heatherKid1: talk to you again soon.
gogoanya19: excellent
heatherKid1: cool.
heatherKid1: ta ta.
gogoanya19: what game?
gogoanya19: what is this?
gogoanya19: YOU'VE JOIN THE BANDWAGON!
heatherKid1: the fourth game of the world series!
gogoanya19: you are rooting for the sox aren't you?
heatherKid1: it's both of my hometowns playing -- chicago and houston. no way I can lose! LOL
gogoanya19: hahahaha
gogoanya19: good point
gogoanya19: UNLESS THE SOX WIN!
gogoanya19: what kind of cubs fan are you?
heatherKid1: If it was the Cubs, I'd be Cubs all the way, so with the Sox I can be all relaxed about it.
gogoanya19: okay
gogoanya19: but no jumping up and down if they win
gogoanya19: they being the sox
heatherKid1: I'm just practicing my cheering skills so that I'm ready when the Cubs make it next year.
heatherKid1: !!!
gogoanya19: try again.
heatherKid1: All right, so I have to go watch a bunch of good-looking male athletes play an awesome game.

Is there anything I can do about anything at all?

here is a little tip: do not put your u-pass in your coat pocket. you might sit on your coat through out the day and then when you are ready to go home and pull it out, you will notice that it is crumbled up like your p*nea's new product study guide at the bottom of your bag. plus, you will find, that it does not work and in fact gets stuck if you decide to try to use it (both times).

and if you don't follow that tip, here is another one for you: now since you didn't listen to my first tip, you now have to go down to CTA headquarters. where's that? "get off at clark and lake" oh, okay. so it's right on that corner? "oh, no. just get off there, it's on the corner of lake and clinton." so here is the tip; when someone tells you that look at a freaking map for goodness sakes, don't assume that it's within a reasonable walking distance (reasonable while lugging around your laptop).

the last tip mentioned is very important. if you don't follow that tip, something like the following might happen. you might walk from the library (where you snuck to the top floor to get pictures for your project and almost got caught <--now, that was scary), located on jackson to clark and lake. there you might stop at potbelly's, because your friend (who has no idea what he's about to get himself into) is hungry and you are quiet thirsty. while waiting for your friend to finish eating you are starting to get a little worried about time (being the time freak that you are), but relax and tell yourself, "it's only four. i have enough time." i mean you already at clark and lake, you know you are near, and your friend even reassures you with, "yeah, it's not like they close at 4:30."


so then you start walking with your laptop on one sholder (because you camera does not have a memory card and can only hold up to 22 pictures and you need to take more than that for your project) and you are trying not to aknowledge the pain of the new blisters on your heels from those dang shoes made in brazil that you got for oprah (no, nathan we didn't get anything...except AMAZING SEATS!! watch monday...i'll probably be on in the begining when she's walking out...heather, she touched my hand and if heaven has a scent it would be what oprah smells like). block after block the word crap that's resounding in the back of your head gets only louder or maybe it's your friends threat of, "Anya, I am going to hit you. Where are we? Why aren't I hitting you? Why haven't I hit you yet?" is getting louder when he realizes two things...one, that this is longer than he expected and two, though you seem like you know and you act like you know, you don't know where you are going... or maybe it's both. (here is a mini-tip: if you see lasalle and you think that means just a few blocks until you hit clinton...hahaha...you're wrong.)

after turning around to head back to state (twice) you might finally hit clinton (after you take into account the mini-tip i just gave you). so there you are at the corner and clinton and lake. there is an open parking lot on one corner. there is a parking garage on another corner. there is a torn down building on the other. and on the last corner of where lake and clinton intersect, there is NOT the CTA headquarters. this is when you might to start to become dilussional and start thinking that the el stop above you could be the headquarters. at this point you might just want to cry, but it might be better to save your tears for what might come next.

BECAUSE, next you somehow find the CTA HQ and think, "at last! how freaking long did it take us to get here!" but that happiness of actually finding the place is short lived, because that's when you decide to get in line (and with no line you just walk right up to the guy). this is when you explain your story and ask where you might go to get it fixed. then the guy might deliver the heartbreaking news. he will look at his watch and say, "hmm...well as of right now it is closed and you'll have to come back on monday." that is when you lose it (not in an angry way but in a complete state of unbelief, beweilderment of the fact that they actually close at four thirty) and your friend has to help you out of the building.

then, because you have no idea what to do or are in no state to decide how to get back you just start walking. all the while your friend is hating you and letting you know it...as in yelling at you in public. so from lake all the way back to jackson each block as you are getting closer to ending your circle around chicago, your friends anger only gets louder and stronger (and at union station he loses it, "I'M AT FREAKING UNION STATION, AN-YA! UNION. STATION.). but you are still in a state of such shock that it only makes you laugh, because well it is just THAT sad.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i jump out of the car and being full of nervous excited energy, i end up running up the driveway to the door. i knock. no answer. i wait. still no answer. i look through the windows surrounding the door and there he is looking back at me, with his hair the crazy way it always is. i almost cry; it's my vahid. he finally opens the door and i hug him and he says, "Hi, Heather," all noncholant. "HEATER!" my heart screams, "HEATHER'S NOT EVEN REAL, SHE'S JUST A FIGMENT!" But my mouth kindly lets out, "i'm not heather sillly!" he says, "oh. i know, i was just kidding [awkward pause as he tries to remember who i am but can't]." in that moment, if you were listening closely you would have heard it; the sound of my heart shattering. that name, that pause, it still tears at my heart. vahidy doesn't even know my name anymore.

--------------

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

and it's strange
they are basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse

Finally

!!OPRAH!!

(we're leaving in a few minutes, i'm so excited!)

Maybe it had something to do with walking together measuring the expressway, in the pouring rain, with our FEET

out of no where, dan (one of my architecture friends) stops cutting his cubes, turns to me and says, "Anya, can I call you onion?"

It was then that I asked myself, "how and why?"

After that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw.

An old man with no place to call his home, sits outside of Panera staring through the window. His eyes glance around the whole display and then they zero in. His eyes see what his stomach desires and right then a young man approches him and stops to talk to him. It's in this moment you see the beauty of the two as they talk about what the old man was looking at. The young man takes the time to talk and listen to an old man who, as it might seem, the rest of the world has forgotten. It's not long before the old man excitedly points at the window. And as the young man walks towards the store door to get this old man a cinniamon cruch bagel, one of the most beautiful, brightest smiles the world has seen* spreads across the old man's face.

I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel

I can love
But i need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him i never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

Bless the day he came to be
Angel's wings carried him to me
Heavenly
I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

(*excluded when Ms. Amia Allmart calls for her mama and her mama walks into the room, that my friends is THE world's most beautiful, brightest, biggest, bestest smile seen by the world, thus far)

you know you're in deep thought when...

you get off at clinton (riding on the blue line), thinking it's lasalle and you don't even realize it until you get to the top of the escalator. that's when you have to turn around and go back down (looking like an idiot) and wait for the full five minutes before another train comes.

today, really, has not been my day.

you know you are tired when...

the moment after you finish rinsing the shampoo out of your hair, you pause and think to yourself, "have i shampooed my hair yet?" then you spend the next several moments trying to convince yourself that you did.

oh, who am i kidding?

i'll just sit in the financial aids office all afternoon. it's a wednesday, why not?

it's official, beyond official, i love chicago. everytime i am forced to explore the city on my own (for sketches) i see another part of the city and all it has to offer.

and i love it.

i love walking around, i love imagining i live next to the MCA and going every tuesday to the farmers market for fresh fruit, veggies, home-made bread and gorgeous! flowers. then going for a run at the track behind the MCA...and so forth and so forth. the only thing that pulls me out of these daydreams while walking are the coffee shops. i see them and think, "and that's where i can read the paper and drink my coffee in the mornings--wait i don't drink coffee...(long paus, while thinking why i was thinking about drinking coffee at that cafe)...i don't live here." it's a rude, abrubt ending to my imaginings and at the same time a much needed one (i can get carried away, away). so i guess what i'm saying is that chicago is my kind of city and i see myself here for awhile (i don't know where else i'd go, but yeah).

woot-woot.

as for the crazyness that is my schedule, this week has been oh-so-much-better. not working on mondays have opened up much needed time to complete work and well, relax a wee-bit. but what still is frustrating is architecture. i feel that it is close to what i want to do, but not. ?? any ideas? ...anybody?

well, quite frankly i feel like i should take this moment to say how much i miss everybody these days...

first off i must say, suzanne and husayn: man, i miss you guys. yeah i know i live with you, but i never see you any more and it make me sad. i miss you guys (like seriously, for the split seconds i see you guys in the morning i just want to run up and give you guys big bear hugs, straight-up grandma lehman style).

katie and nathan: i can't wait until christmas break when we can sit on the couch at home and just laugh (at everybody..in a loving way) haha. i miss you guys SO much more than you know.

sara: oh sara, what can i say. when dad mentioned us moving to oak park together my first thought was, "oh that so is going to happen." and when the two travelers on the el remided me of two people on the amazing race i thought, "sara and i so need to do that. we would have fun, we would rock and america would love us (i mean look at us, really, how could they not?)" and when liza told me about your reaction to "the news" it sounded so like you, i could see you saying it facial expressions, hand movements and all. sara i miss you and your little (she has gotten skinny) too.

liza and brent: you live down the street, i see you as often as i eat a home-made meal (which is unhealthily few and far between). brent, i want to take you shopping. liza, i want you to come. think about it, we would have fun unlike the day that was full of all that is pathetic (even though we has a little fun that day...or as much fun as one can have on a day that was full of all that that is pathetic). oh, the servere PDA offenders came into p*nea the other day...oh that cute couple. yeah, i miss hanging out with you guys (and i'm still waiting for a happy hug!)

---sidenote: i kind of feel like i'm dying or something, but i'm not. i just miss you people----

family in b-town: i love you guys and just being home for 11 hours on saturday night was just what i needed. way to keep home, home. way to be and keep it up! i miss you guys and come decemeber i'll be home again.

luxions: we need to party, up in your house (blaring anastasia). i miss y'all!

and everyone else that i haven't seen in forever or laughed hard with in awhile or babysat in awhile...i miss you!

----------------------

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? it's too late for that
What have I become? truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

i could be "getting ahead" by reading articles for english.

i could be finishing two sections in math.

i could be starting my project for architecture.

i could be...oh crap...i should be figuring out financial aid.

(and i really wanted to post a real post for once, it's been so long. apologizes)

---------------

Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

Could it be?

My first paper since my term paper written over a year ago.

Boy. English 160, let me tell you...

nothing.

If I Were a Male, I could be One Heck of a Baller

“Sexist pigs,” I remember mumbling to myself when I was denied to play knock out with a group of boys during recess in middle school. Just because I was a girl they would not let me play with them. If only I had been a boy they would have let me join, but I was a girl and was automatically thought of as a weak player. This always infuriated me, because how was I ever suppose to get better or learn more about the game when I was always denied the chance to play? If I had been born a male, I would have been given the chance to play. If I had been born a male, I could have been one heck of a baller.

First off, let me explain what happened that day in middle school during recess. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I saw a few people lining up to play knock out. Knock out was (and still is) one of my favorite basketball games, plus it was very seldom played at recess. Due to this fact, it was very rare that I got to play this game I so enjoyed. When I saw people rounding up to play I ran and got my two other friends, Elisa and Heather, to come with me to go play. We then, all together, ran to get into line. So there we were waiting in line, waiting for our turn when one of the boys behind us started getting impatient waiting for his turn. He started with a, “there are too many people!” Then when no one paid attention to him or dropped out he decided to pick on people who he knew he could get kicked out of line; us, the girls. “Hey!” he yelled at us, “you guys leave. There are too many people playing!” We first glanced at each other and then turned around and gave him “are you kidding me” looks. He then got the rest of his friends (the other boys that were in line behind us) to gang up against us and peer pressure us out of line. They then got a hold of the ball and threatened not to play until we got out of line. “Why?” I demanded after told of their threat. They said that there were too many people. This made me even angrier. First off, there are never too many people to play knock out. There is simply no limit to the amount of people who can play. The other reason this made me mad was that even if there were too many people to play (which isn’t possible with knock out) why did we have to leave when we got into line before all the boys standing in line behind us? To be fair, if there were too many people shouldn’t the people who were at the end of the line get kicked out of the game, too? There was nothing my friends or I could do. We were three girls up against eight boys who were all joined with one purpose in mind. We gave up and left the line bitterly.

One can see that if I or my friends had been boys there would have been no problem. If people had been complaining about too many people, then the people who would have been kicked out of line would have been the people at the end of the line and not the three girls in the middle of the line. I would have been able to play that day at recess had I been a boy. The other boys would have let me play with no issues, with no groups of boys demanding that I leave. After I was allowed to play they would have seen my talent and would have invited me to play a game after school. The knock out games after school would have turned into small pick-up games, where I would have developed the street finesse one needs to become a basketball player that has that unique talent it takes to get noticed. If I had been born a boy it would have been more socially accepted to play basketball and that would have given me a better chance at exercising my interest to the fullest.

Now just imagine what my life would if I were a boy and was given the chance to explore my interests all the way. I could have been the next Kobe (minus the sex scandal), Shaq (minus the size), or Michael Jordan (minus the whole sticking out the tongue thing). I could have gotten a full ride to college, saving my parents the financial dept that involves getting a higher education. I could have been the Final Four MVP my junior and senior year, which most likely could have made me the first draft pick for the NBA. Nike, Gatorade, Wheaties and every other company could be calling me at all hours of the day throwing me unheard of contracts. This all could have been my future if I had come out (which, oddly enough, my doctor swore I would) a boy. One just never knows. If our society did not have so many gender standards, if it where so completely different then it stands now, I may have had been able to become a great basketball player, respected and known by all by being just the way I am. As our society still is the way it is, seeing girls as weak and unfit for male dominated sports, and me being a girl this could never (well at least as close to never as one can get) happen. For a girl to receive that amount of fame she would have to break through all the barriers that our society has made between the female and male athletes and that would take a lot work and chances are she wouldn’t even get recognized for all that work. Being born a boy would have given me the chance to develop my skills to their fullest potential, but being a girl prevents me from achieving that type of success as easily.

One can see that my life could have been completely different, if I had been born a boy. Or in other words, if we weren’t not forced into these gender roles that our society places so strongly on us, my life could have been different. I would never have been unfairly turned away from a game of knock out during recess. I would have had a chance to explore my interests and develop my talents to their fullest potential. All these things were deprived from me, just because I was born a girl.

Above me reads a sign, ''Use this computer for library resourses only!''

Psh, i roll my eyes at you UIC computer hidden on the the third floor of the library (whose both shift keys are broken). i roll my eyes at you.

these past three weeks have been complete crazyiness.

crazyiness : spending every second of your day either in class, doing homework, planning projects, brainstorming for papers, mapping out when you will get it all done or working, ect.

every second : the ten minutes between classes, the daily hour break between classes, waiting for the el, riding the el, walking from the el to work, half hour break at work, the hour of preparation for the next day before going to bed, and the endless hours spend tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep but unable to sleep due to so many thoughts spinning through me head (saying i'm tired right now is an understatement, i'm beyond tired that i can't sleep no matter how badly i'm craving the peace).

today on the el i noticed myself wishing i were the other people i saw around me. i wish i were going to a 9 to 5 job, where i knew what work had to be done and when it would be done. i wish i was wearing a skirt with cute shoes and nicely done hair. i wish i wasn't so tired from staying up every night working on projects and had time in the morning to shave my legs, attempt to style my hair, and put on make-up. i wish i had the freedom to go home this weekend or have no plans and could just read at the lake all day. i wish that there was someone i knew sitting next to me who i could rest my head on their shoulder. i wish i had a known break where i didn't have to do anything for two days without being screwed. that's how the thinking started and it ended with me thinking simply, ''i wish i were them.'' and that's when i stopped myself. if by wishing i were them it felt as though i was ungrateful for what i do have. the people who love me, friends and family, the experiencances i have had, the things i've gone through, all that and more felt forgotten in my mind while wishing i were these strangers i saw for no more than 25 minutes. which made me ponder, what is it inside me that lets me easily forget these blessings?

i wish i could turn it off (it being what ever it is) and just start fully appreciating what i have. then i could really experiance that in which i am experiancing and stop wasting my time blind siding myself wishing and hoping things were this way or that.

BAHHH!
i'm so not going to proof read. i'm going to bed NOw.

-------------------

There she stands
A girl before you

Changed, unchanged
What does it matter?

She should be treated the same
With kindness and respect
Not frustrationg and annoyance

When?

Did she get in your way
Offend you by what she may or may not say?

Keep pushing her away
Leave her out, let her in
Let her in, Leave her out
Keep your ever vararing distances
Do as you please

She is just a girl
That stands before you

Don't bother trying to call me on Sept. 7th at 11:00...

BECAUSE I'LL BE ON THE CORNER OF CARPENTER AND WASHINGTON WAITING IN LINE TO GET INTO HARPO STUDIOS!

!!!
I JUST GOT RESERVATIONS FOR OPRAH!!

(and i just broke into my apartment ...today is just full of excitement)

Someday I will be a Fearless Warrior

change is a coming and for once i feel i can handle it, whatever it may be. my anxiety of starting college vanished today, because i, on my own, conquered it (after all i, on my own, created it). today, i was determined to be a fearless warrior. i was going to go down to uic by myself and get done what i needed to get done and i was not going to be ashamed of being a lost freshman not knowing exactly what i was doing. and that was what i did, except what i really needed to get done (financial aid, u-pass...ect.) can't get done until next week. but i do know where stevenson hall is and that it takes a good hour on the red line to get to and from campus (both are highly valuable pieces of information, let me tell you).

for the first time i feel that i am where i need to/should be. it all feels right.

that, is one good feeling.

---------------
i can feel it in my bones
i can feel in it my feet
these are the steps i'm here to take
this is the air i'm here to breathe

this is my soul speaking clear to me
this is the place i'm suppose to be

On a Jones Soda (brought at a P*nea) Near You ...maybe

i submitted a whole bunch o' pictures of amia for the jones sodas that are sold at p*nea (the pictures on these particular jones sodas are taken by the people that work at p*nea). two of the pictures just happened to get the "STAFF PICK!" badge and will be sent to the final judges who will choose which pictures will be put on the bottles. and if you want to see them drop me a comment and i'll e-mail you to them.

i've been feeling rather lucky beyond lucky when i found this out and so when i checked the last minute availability of tickets for the oprah show i was very confident that i would be able to charm my way into getting tickets. the question this time was/is... is september 8th, 1986 a significant date to you? i pondered the question a bit and then i wrote to the oprah.com staff the following:

September 8th, 1986 was my nine month birthday. Significant? I. think. so.

Four of the Most Beautiful Words...

iced. chai. milk. shake.

(and when these words were brought to my attention did i go and get one, even though i already had a cheese danish sitting in my purse waiting to be eaten? psh. of course!)

iced. chai. milk shake.


(mentioned twice because it is THAT good)

-------------------

i dont know who it is
but it probly is fhqwhgads
i ask my friend Joe
i ask my friend Jake
they said it was fhqwhgads

i said come on fhqwhgads
i said come on fhqwhgads
who's to the limit?
say... me! i'm to the limit!
everybody come on fhqwhgads

How big is Amia?

So Big!











Happy first birthday baby girl!

you crack me up, you crack-up.

"RARE Tomato Shape!"

the first time i saw this poster, i was on my way to work. it made me laugh so much to myself, it naturally made my day and will forever be known in my world as the best poster to past on one's way to work or (really, let's be honest here) just the best poster to past while walking ever.

-----------------
Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate
Denials of your affect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
Move away you flippin' tornado
I'm better off without
Tearing my will down

Worst cashier in the world? Resent studies prove otherwise.

first off, i must give a shout out to all secret shoppers. not only does your job rock, you guys rock. more especially the two out of four that stop in at p*nea this last month (you guys really rock) both giving me a stellar score which beat the heck out of whatever else they give scores to, making me the best part of the store. did this give me a raise? no. (i asked) but surprisingly enough it did get me a shopping spree to gap. okay, so not a shopping spree but i did get a gift card. which was practically a shopping spree considering that gap (conveniently located right next door to p*nea...guess where i went right after work) is having a 60% off sale! i don't know if you are aware, but gap having a huge sale and me getting a very unexpected, not to shabby gift card deserves a hollar.



hollar.

--------------

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

the nerve.

why is it that it only takes a few words to completely make someone’s "all right" day into on terrible day? why do people tend to make the worse assumptions about other people? today was one crazy day at p*nea, because of the closed streets in downtown evanston for the art festival (and to top it all off it was hot). so there i was asking the customer if they wanted whipped cream on their ic mocha, only to find out 30 seconds later that we not only did not have any whipped cream made the whipped cream containers weren't even washed. i told her the situation and she said she'd wait it out. so i went running to the back to find the dirty containers to make sure they were being washed. i finally found one and gave it the dishwasher. when i went out to explain to the lady that the containers were now just being put into the wash and that it would take a while longer she got all nasty and said, "you know what, that's okay. i know what's going on here, you just don't want to make any." "miss," i protested after what she was accusing me of sunk in, "i don't lie. we don't have any clean ones. it's in the dishwasher right now." she replied with one hell of a sarcastic, "yeah, okay." i wanted to cry (yes, pathetic i know). it was an already stressful, no fun day (working in the bakery, with crazy-stressed head manager, and during the lunch rush) and after the lady accused me of lying and being lazy (which was totally ridiculous, because hello! i would have to make the whipped cream anyway even if she hadn't brought her drink) my patience for people was gone. i couldn't take any more indecisive people, who had no idea what they wanted and no idea what was on the menu and while they took their time to figure out what we had to offer the line grew out the door. at one point i just started wishing people would to go get their bagels from einstein down the street and their drinks from starbucks half a block away. i fell into a non-reversible crabby mood (trying hard to smile, but it was practically impossible to make them real). argh! and it still makes me mad and upset and hurt that that lady thought i didn't want to give her what she wanted because it meant (or so she thought...which just proves she didn't think because it was a task i would have had done anyways!) that i would have had to do more work than her pleasure was worth. deep breath people! and an outraged face with hand half way up in the "why?!?" position

well, at least i have hitchhiker’s to come home to.



(god, i love that book.)

----------------------------

I will lean into you
and you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
and you can come rushing in
you can rush in so hard
and make it so I can't breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday
I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you'd make yourself known
probably you don't know I'm her
the woman you want to call home
I'll keep my ear to the wall
I'll keep my eye on the door
'cause I've heard all my own jokes
and they're just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday
have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
but I can do that anyday


oh, oh, oh! and before i forget...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FATFACE! i hope no one accused you of being lazy and lying and made you feel like shit today, because come on TODAY is YOUR birthday! happy, happy!

Two Words

Batman. Begins.

that's right. saw it last night and i loved it. and to think i didn't even want to go see it.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

why? why?! why, hasn't anyone sat me down and forced me to read this book. never have i laughed out loud so many times while reading a book (and thus far i have only read two chapters). i mean i never (said slow and cautiously) laugh out loud while reading. if something funny happens i may smile, sure, but laugh out! loud? never.

are you sitting down while reading this? well, good. because this is me sitting you down and forcing you to read this book. go (now*) to your library, borders, barnes and noble, books-a-million, or your own personal library. while at any (or all) of these locations you best find yourself the science fiction section. once you found that look under the "A's" for Adams. When you locate Adams find Adams, Douglas. Then when your pearly eyes (wide with excitement knowing you will soon have your hands on a hi.lar.i.ous, great summer read) fall upon "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" you may smile (satisfied that your library, borders, barnes and noble, book-a-million, or you yourself has it and you, yourself, found it), grab the book, proceed to check it out/buy/take it to you couch and enjoy (the only way you can with this book). and once you have finished reading this genius of a book and feel indebted to me, feel free to call and leave messages of lines from the book on my voicemail (because you know that would oh, so make my day and who doesn't want their day to be oh, so made?).

now, consider yourself forced.


How to Leave the Planet

1.) Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.

2.) If they do no cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House--(202) 456-1414--to have a word on your behalf with the guys as NASA.

3.)If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (and the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends their either (at least, non to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.

4) If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.

5.) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

----------------------

*and not now as in now, now. but as in now: the next thing you do after reading this entry (as in now, now).

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say

"That's dynamite, baby."

is anyone else as disappointed as i am when they get up at nine to watch oprah and it's a re-run, AGAIN!

man, talk about a bad start to ones day.

(and if i had the guts i would have added, "gosh! tape some new shows, woman!" but i so don't have those kinds of guts.)

the question to your answer is, yes.

argh. how does it all work out? how much am i going to be short for school after working and saving up this summer? where am i going to get the money i'm short? who do i go to at uic to say, "hey, well you know how you accepted me into your architecture program two years in a row. yeah, well i know that i haven't taken any classes in it yet, but ummm... can i get out the program and switch to design-- i'm not sure what exactly in design, but i know that's the direction i want to go towards." how am i going to take the el to and from uic without throwing up? will i be able to maintain a job with decent hours and passing grades? will my trasition from high school learning/class set up to college courses be smooth or rough? will money be so tight that i will never have the pleasure of enjoying my slim jim #4 with cheese (tell me no, please tell me no)? why do i feel so unprepared for this? is this one of those things that i freak out about, but really there is no reason to freak? or has the wolf really come this time (well, that joke was pa.the.tic. so much so i'm leaving it)? how will it all work out?

and dang it! when will the good blogging happen. it's been so long. i feel so..not good. bah!

i have a voice of an angel

the funniest part of this is that i sang and made it.

ha. me singing.

ha. ha. ha.

since no one else in my family is posting...

today, i feel i started to master the l. you know, making it work for me. i left my apartment at 5:34 p.m. needing to reach the metra train station no later than 6:40 p.m. i got onto the purple line (5:40 p.m.), but since it is a weekend the purple line only goes to howard. so at howard i transfered to the red line, planning to get off at monroe and state. but then! i looked at the l map decorated above the door and noticed that if i transfered to the brown line the stop after wrigley i could save myself some city blocks and some time. so i got off the red line and waited to transfer to the brown line (6:11 p.m.) the brown line took me right into the loop and at washington and wells i got off (6:26 p.m.). i hurried down the stairs and crossed the street. realizing i was going the wrong way i then turned around. i started to panic, thinking i wasn't going to make it (or worse wasn't going to find the train station) so, naturally, i started running. here is where the funny picture comes in. picture me, in my soccer shorts, t-shirt, flip-flops, hat hair thrown up in a pony-tail, bookbag, mini-pink purse, and a big p*nea bag full of bagels running (but not being able to run wearing flip-flops) through chicago dashing around not exactly sure where i'm going. i found the train station at 6:34 p.m. i ran up the steps (because, what if my clock is slow!!!!), ran toward the wrong train, turned around, boarded the right train with three minutes to spare, and tried to catch my breath and cool down. today was an adventure.

home, again?

why, yess. sara may not have an active blog, but she does have a birthday tomorrow. hAPpy BirTHdaY, SArA!

grumble...grum--i will be a happy and joyful being.

instead of thinking about how i woke up at six thirty to get on a train that i missed because the genius' of batavia shut down the whole bridge (as in BOTH sides!) making the ten minutes to get to the train station instead of five or how i walked around downtown chicago pretending i knew where i was going when i didn't, or how the purple express train conductor must have been new because of all the jerked stops made caused me to become sick and thanking the Lord that i don't have to take the l to school next year, or how i had to stay after an hour at work, or how i have to get up at 6:30 for work tomorrow, or how the allmarts just left for b*town (taking amia with them) i WILL not think/talk about those things.

i will talk about how when the merkels came for a surprise short visit yesterday, i found out that they missed me as much as i missed them. the love goes both way, people. both. ways. vahid right away screamed, "anya! can you babysit?!" and jumped out of his seat, katana pleaded to get out of hers, and xcyden, xcyden made the "i want" motion and grunt in my direction and when i went to close the door to their van she started to cry. we are talking about xcyden here, xcyden cried for me. (psst...heather believe when i say i'm not trying to rub this in your face, someday i hope you will experence the feeling of your heart strings pulling from the fact that xcyden merkel was just crying for you. someday, heather. someday.)

i will talk about how, after forever (five months or some crazy deranged long time like that), i got to see karen and riane at the same time. naturally, there was the traditional track talk (seriously, i consider myself as much of a track player as i am brazilian...i am 1/20th brazilian. i mean is that not fair to say?) and a movie.

i will talk about how when i finally went up the stairs to one of the loop stops i passed while pretending i knew where i was going/doing the rare purple line express line pulled up right in front of me, right as i was walking through the gate the train stopped and it's doors did magically open as though they were only pulling up for me (and giving me no time to worry myself into thinking, "what if the purple line has already stopped running through the loop for the day?" i was able to just walk right onto it and relax (before i started feeling sick from the jerky trip, BUT i'm NOT thinking/talking about that, thank you.)

i will talk about how amia right away reached (from her mothers arms) for me when i got home today (after not seeing her for a week). then she cried for me when i had to leave for work. my plan was to leave early and make a stop in at the bank, but amia reached and whimpered for me and i quickly ditched the bank for amia (like i had a choice).

i will talk about how when i came home from work amia was still awake (a rare happening as of late) and when she saw me clapped and clapped, took hold of my face, and put her forehead on my forehead. my. heart. melted.

what was i saying at the beginning of this post? i can't remember.

maybe this is why on my ugly days i feel so...ugly.

i look at my relationship with my brother and i just cry. how did it get this way? has it always been this way? i remember being as unhappy as he was back in third grade through fifth grade. it was a phase for me a phase i scared myself out of. but during that time i took it out on my closest siblings katie and daniel. i looked up to katie so we grew out of fighting. but with daniel our relationship stayed the same. i couldn't stand people who i knew looked up to me and tried to be like me. "be your own self!" i would scream at him, "stop copying me!" i was suppose to walk him home from school in fourth and fifth grade. everyday would be the same. i would wait until i saw him come out of the doors and then walk ahead of him enough so that he could see me and know where to go, but never would actually walk with him. one day his anger had build up so much that he chases me home and met me at the door and just started punching me. after that happened we would race each other home. if i made it home first i would lock myself in the bathroom and wait until my mom came home. if he made it home first, he would lock all the doors locking me out of the house. why was i so mean, because i was trying to work out my own mess from a "mean girls" situation. i was depressed and didn't want to be around anyone, especially my "still walking funny on his tippy-toes brother" as my friend in fifth grade put it. once i pulled my self out of my depression i stopped talking to that friend, who's whole family made fun of him. i remember thinking, "hey, he is my brother. i'm the only one that can make fun of him, because deep down i really love him!" i may never showed him any love, but that didn't mean i didn't love him. i look at all the tests of middle school and the tests he is still going through still in high school and all i can do is blame myself. i was as hard on him as i wanted to be on myself. i took everything negative in my life out on him. he didn't do anything, but just look up to me. why couldn't i just let him look up to me? why couldn't i just be nice?! he is so unhappy right now. school just sends him messages that he's dumb and won't achieve anything. when really it's the school that doesn't offer him enough of the type of classes that actually focus on his talents. the pain and anger of dealing with failure and disappointment over and over again, of course he is unhappy. i just need to know that he will be okay, not for my feeling of guilt (because that will never go away, no matter what) but just so that he will make it through school and will be okay.

------------------

O Lord! Make this youth radiant,
and confer Thy bounty upon this poor creature.
Bestow upon him knowledge,
grant him added strength at the break of every morn
and gaurd him within the shelter of Thy protection
so that he may be freed from error,
may devote himself to the service of Thy Cause,
may guide the wayward, lead the hapless,
free the captives and awaken the heedles,
that all may be blessed with Thy remembrance and praise.
Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful.

-'Abdu'l-Baha

40 bluesclues later...

love is funny because right when you think that you couldn't love someone more, you are surprised to reailize that you can and that you do. you know it's real love when you wake up in the morning after being with someone for four days straight (twenty hours...or 40 bluesclues...of which that were spent in the car) and you realize you miss them.

yes, my friends, i'm talking about the merkels. in other words, the past four days were great (minus being in nashville...where there are three things listed under the family activity page, two of which were BARS. oh nashville, how i don't miss you.) xcyden and i bonded so much (well, as much as one can bond with xcyden without being her dad...or her mom) that now when i refer to my children she is no longer included as the one that hates me. she puts on a hard exteiror that xcyden, but once i heard her say my name and made her smile, i knew she liked me (and by like, i mean she doesn't mind me). i'm so in love with this family i can't even explain it, for me there's been nothing like it. just know that automatically my heart smiles when i think of the merkels.

the first (of MANY) laughs this trip was at 6:30 a.m. on I-80 when katana asked me to play "highway in the hedges," mady and i burst out laughing thinking the song was called "highway in the heaven." saying, "where did she get hedges out of heaven? hahahahaha." while listening to the song we realized katana was right, which only made us laugh even harder.

-----------

In the Highways, in the hedges
I'll be somewhere working for my Lord.

If he calls me, I will answer
I'll be somewhere working for my Lord.

-----------
and if you ever go on a car trip with these kids you WILL know these songs

don't cross the street in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of the block
don't cross the street in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of the block

use your eyes to look up
use your ears to hear

and a personal favorite (while holding xcyden, because if you start it she'll finish it for you)...

D-A-D-D-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E

the re-mix goes like this:

A-N-Y-Y-A need C-O-F-F-E-E

Sound Bite

i just got off the phone with katie. this is how the conversation went:

me: hello?

katie (yelling into the phone): ANYA! hi!

me (starting to laugh): whoa, there are a lot of kids in that background. where are you?

katie: on a bus going to the zoo!

me (laughing): oh, that must be fun.

katie: can i call you back when we get there? it's kinda hard to hear right now.

me: okay. wait! can i just ask you one quick (a roar of excitement from the kids erupts in the background) question? what was that?

katie: we just passed the zoo.

me (laughing harder): yeah, why don't you call me back later.

those dang fruit cups!

while in the fridge at p-nea (getting some fruit cups) a jerkface thought it would be funny to turn off the lights again for the fourth time in. a. row. while i was in there in the cold, alone. while going to punch a jerkface in the face (arm) with fruit cup in hand, fruit cup explodes up into the air and all over the floor before my fist ever makes contact with a dead-face (dead-arm) deserving jerkface. really, my life would be so much easier if p-nea stopped selling them.

seriously.

a happy, happy birthday to mi masha!

-----still enjoying the chicks------

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

a cause for celebration

oh happy happy day!

when i woke up i was debating if i should get a weekend train pass and come home for my two days off in a row from work (and take my laundry with me). i woke up to a messy room and a deep desire to take a bike ride along the lake. i decided i better stay in evanston this weekend. then suzanne and husayn came back from there lunch date and right away started packing to go to batavia. it was perfect timing because i had already put my laundry in and this way i could actually save some money and dry them at home in batavia (i usually let my clothes air dry, i mean a dollar per load to dry 'em? please honey, i'm cheap).

my dear sister sara finally cleaned out her car. and does one know what she found in between the two front seats? none other than the dixie chicks cd that has been "missing*" since she dropped me off at the airport last SPRING! (*i put "missing" because i knew it was in her car, just didn't know where)

on our way to dsw i got to listen to my favorite dixie chicks cd (it's been over a year since i last heard it) and at dsw i found a pair of shoes i've had my eye on/looking for on SALE!

the day has been good.

p.s. amia is starting to take steps like crazy!

----------

You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby that might be so
Tell me what's wrong with having a little faith
In what you're feeling in your heart
Why must we be so afraid
And always so far apart

Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you
Pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

she led a full life.

she led a full stomach.

most people go home (as in their parent's house) and do their laundry. i come home and eat. i don't know what it is all about. but the first thing i do is open and go through the fridge and cabinets looking for tasty treats (not just un-healthy ones, i get excited seeing red apples and bananas as much as i do when i see chocolate covered chewy sunbelt granola bars and waffles). it doesn't matter if i'm hungry or not prior to coming home, the second i step into the house i get hungry (or maybe more like i want to eat). when i came back in decemeber for three weeks, i ate three weeks straight. when i come home on the rare days off from work, i just eat (i am eating an apple as i type). i wonder why that is. perhaps it's all the physiological stuff of growing up with seven people and "if you see something you want you better eat it quick or else someone else will" automatically kicks in.

...or not.

sara just called.
she didn't know i was home.
"my sister?!" she exclaimed.
"no," i said.
"yes," she said.

"you don't know me!"
and i hung up the phone.

--------------

something in those eyes
in those eyes of yours

a hidden secret
i was suppose to find

buried deep, deep in those eyes
those eyes of yours

lies the truth i want to find

oh, how i miss

i'm at that point where i'm starting to miss having friends around. people to hang out with, people to talk to and people to call up when you have a few hours to do something. the only time i get to see my friends now is if i get lucky enough to get two days off in a row from work. so you might be thinking, "wait a second, aren't you in chicago now where there are a bunch of cool people are?" yeah, a bunch of neat people i don't know. and there in lies the problem. anxiety hits an all time high when i think about going to events where i don't know people and i don't have that security blanket of a friend. you should have seen liza and i at feast the other night. there we were during refreshments saying, "where is suzanne and husayn?" we were like two lost children. it's so frustrating in need of that sort of comfort. why can't i just be outgoing, why can't i be able to go somewhere new where i don't know anyone and be excited about it? i think just overall i miss the familiarity and comfort of my friends. they are after all people i know and like, and well, i miss 'em.

anywho, talking about people i know and like, the merkels! stopped by p-nea yesterday. i must say that was one of the best surprises ever. a week and we will be off to nashville. yikes, i gotta start packing (and by packing i mean buying some swedish fish).

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

this morning i woke up at 6:50 a.m. and started crying. the first words out of my mouth were: i hate panera*. then i started crying again. i decided to stop crying (for the moment at least) and instead put all my energy in resetting my alarm clock to go off at 7:15 instead of 7:00. when my alarm went off i started crying (again) and while stumbling to the shower i grumbled, "i *explicit*-ing hate panera." i wasn't in the best of moods this morning. which i'm sure had to do with waking up not to hear a baby crawling so fast towards my room all i hear is THUD. THUDTHUDTHUD. THUD. and then a squeal of pure delight once reaching the curtain divider or a baby at the foot of my bed biting my toe. oh amia, i missed you this morning.

anyways, if my knees could talk right now they would be saying, "ANYA WE LOVE YOU!" for the two mile run i just gave them. ever since last tuesday, my knees whenever i walked would burn and would only stop burning when i pulled then up higher in a running motion. and boy was it a good run. rusty, but it was exactly what my body needed. i even ran into good ol' jay (riding his golf cart) on my way onto the track. i miss visiting jay in the training room. jay was the only person able to get my arm back attached to my body the way it was suppose to be without medication and for that my deepest wish is to have small pocket size jay i can just carry with me everywhere i go.

*i don't really hate panera, but i woke up in a bad mood and i had to hate something. panera just happened to be the first thing on my mind and the thing i was waking up for.

----------

Pick me up love
Pick me up love, everyday

Pick me up, oh, from the bottom
Up to the top, love, everyday
Pay no mind to taunts or advances
I take my chances on everyday

Left to right
Up and down, love
I push up love, love everyday
Jump in the mud, oh
Get your hands dirty with
Love it up on everyday

All you need is
All you want is
All you need is love.
All you need is
What you want is
All you need is love.

On the other hand, we have different fingers.

so there i was closing, with two people helping me and still did not get out until 11:30. i can.not. sweep for the life of me. even if i go really slow. i sweep, mop, and then have to sweep again due to the horrible sweeping i did to start with. i now see sweeping as an amazing talent. and for those who do it fast, it's an art form.

keep in mind the following stories i share because of there rare-ity, not because this is how the majority of customers are. in fact, the vast majority of customers are extremely nice, understanding and patient. for example, the elder irish couple that came in two days ago. now they were awesome, because though it took me a while to decipher exactly what they actually wanted, they still had a sense of humor about it (and oh! how i loved their accents). but then there are the others. the ones i pretend to be having a "worst day of my life" days, where every. little. thing. that could go wrong (or that could possibly mess up), does go wrong (or gets royally messed up).

there are some strange people that you meet working in food service or at least some strange sides of people that you meet. the first time i ran into someone's strange side was when i wrongly informed someone that their meal came with chips (she ordered a half sandwich, half salad so instead of chips she got bread). she comes back to me very upset, "you told me that it comes with chips, but down there he says it doesn't. now which one is it?! does it come with chips or NOT*!?" (*this is when she threw down her buzzer and scared the living crap out of me). still shaken from her throwing the buzzer i stuttered, "if he said it doesn't then i must have gotten it wrong. i'm sorry i just started--" she interrupts, "so it doesn't come with chips. then let me buy some chips!" sean (working next to me) runs to get her free chips but first tries to ask her if she wants baked chips or regular krunchiers. she glares at him and says, "excuse me, she is helping me." i wanted to give her her chips for free, but was too afraid to say anything or try to explain anything to her i just took her money and apologized (which didn't do much, she was still pretty upset about her chips).

some people are passionate about their chips, some are passionate about coca-cola. one time a lady asked for diet coke and i said yeah sure we have it. she came back three minutes later, "i was told you guys had diet coke, but you only have diet pepsi!" when we explained to her (and apologized) that we only carry pepsi products she informed us that, "no one i know likes pepsi. everyone hates it!" thankfully (aside from her initial attitude) she wasn't all that upset, unlike the guy that came in last night.

now this guy, i have no idea what was going through his head just that he really must have wanted a cobblestone or something. peering through the display glass at the pastries he said disappointingly and annoyed, "this is the second night in a row that you didn't have cobblestones left." i tell him, "oh, they just sold out an hour ago. you just missed them." he grumbles angrily, "we then. you guys should make some more." i then make the mistake of saying, "yeah, i'm sure we would but then if we might sell any them and would have to throw them all out." then he says sort of to me, sort of to himself, "oh so i guess it's just, fuck me!" shocked at what he just said, i don't know what to do or say and deside (trying to make light of the situation)to say, "it's nothing personal." this (apparently) was the wrong thing to say, because he then gets very angry at me and yells, "it's personal to me!" this, i had no idea what to say or do. the other guy in line piped in and told him to calm down, "she just works here, man" and when the cobblestone man tried to defend himself the other guy told him he was over-reacting and to calm down again. he then grudgingly ordered a coffee cake and told me to tell my manager, "there has been a complaint."

then there are some people who don't understand lines. like a lady last week, who flagged me down while i was running to the bakery to grab a cookie for another customer who was waiting in another line during the mid-afternoon rush. "hello! i just want a coffee." uhh--okay. so i quickly grabbed her a cup for coffee and told her that lucy would ring her up in second. she took the cup and informed me annoyed, "and there are a lot of people behind me, too." uhh--it's called a line. she then left the line filled the coffee cup and then left the store, without paying.

people (who are in the middle of a "worst day of my life" day) act in such silly ways, say some of the craziest things and are out-raged by the littlest occurrences.

Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

so maybe i over-reacted to placement testing. i say "maybe" due to the fact i don't know the results. i had time to read the english parts twice and it seemed to be easy and obvious questions. i guess the things i learned on that dr. lebin 300 question mid-term on proper writing stuck with me. or at least maybe it did, we still don't know for sure. it was just so darn easy. (i really hope i don't end up getting placed in a non-credit giving english after saying that. though, i would not in any way be surprised.) the writing section didn't go so well, i ran out of time and due to time anxiety couldn't make valid deep thoughts. yes, my essay ended with: My friend is even able to talk to friends in Estonia everyday. does that give you an idea of how choppy and messed up it was? (it, by the way, was an essay on if the internet has had a negative or positive experience. i, of course, was supporting the obvious side. the internet? positive? HA!) yeah, if i'm not given more than enough time to write, i write crap. hence i tend to finish papers that are due for class at least two days ahead of time. i had enough time for the math section that i was able to finish and then check the vast majority of the questions and correct them.

wow. this post suckss! (with an extra 's' apparently). it is one o' seven. would you expect something interesting at this time in the morning? if you just said yes, then you are just plain wrong. posting that occurs this early (at least for onionlee) is more based on the fact that "i can blog! (because i posess that kind of power)" and less based on "i have something to blog about!"

so i was thinking. i have so much growing to do. so much to do and so much to experience. i'm kinda excited (much more in an unpatient way, than in a mature patienct way). i mean, it's always fun to look back at how you used to be or what you used to do and have yourself a good chuckle. "ehmehmhaha, i was such an idiot."

I once thought I had mono for an entire year, it turned out I was just really bored.

what has happened to me? i can no longer sleep at night. i just lay there, thoughts of every. random. thing float through my head. it takes hours after i turn off the lights for me to finally fall asleep only to be waken again between three and four a.m. for yet another hour of random thoughts. i eventually fall back asleep, but am tired, sleepy, and low engergized for the day ahead. this vicious cycle started five days ago and i don't know how much more i can take of it. the first night that i woke up at three thirteen and jumped straight up in bed. "what the heck?" was my inital reaction. "why the hell did i just jerk awake, full of energy at flippin' 3:13 in the morning?" i lay there for an hour or so with random thoughts racing through my head (mulitple times yelling at my body, "fall asleep will, ya!"). random thoughts that never end. sort of like when someone you don't really know (or don't know at all for that matter) keeps talking and talking to you on the "l", then they start flapping their hands saying, "i want my chicken legs (heavy on the g)! give me my chicken legs back!" and you just don't know what to do to make it stop. yeah, kinda like that.

Overtired
Celebration is my attitude for the day
*explicit* and *explicit*
Do you like it when I talk that way?

Passing time
Understanding a prisoner of faith
Broken ties
so demanding
Get up early
don’t be late

I’m faking it again

It’s all in your head
Don’t act like there’s no consequence
No time to pretend
Get through the bend
Inspired by your circumstance

Mesmerized
Monday morning
No answers, no complaints
Sanitize dirty laundry
Uncertain of mistakes
I’m faking it again

Get through the bend
Inspire by your circumstance
Because everything
Everything
Goes away

crap. crap. crap. crap. crap!

while thinking about the upcoming week i remembered, this saturday i have to go to uic and take placement test. ugh. i haven't done math in ages and when i went home i couldn't find my trusty "kent" math binder that i had all throughout high school from freshman algrebra up to senior calculus. it had all the notes i would need to refresh my memory a bit. now i have to actually look, read, and learn from a math book. notes are so much easier to understand and help me remember. then there is the english part. crap. last year when i took the placement test it was during spring break right after i had taken dr. lebins 300 question liturary terms mid-term. i knew the stuff and the tricks. but now...now i'm screwed. oh and the writing part. i mean come on, i haven't done anything close to real writing since my term paper LAST! year. how i miss the days, after a term in mr. cranstons honors history class, when it was easy to whip up a five page essay that was actually decent. those days are long gone.

crap. crap. crap. crap. crap!

there is also a spanish test. you'd think i'd be fine after taking four (as in four!) years of spanish. yeah, right. oh man, i don't even do well on test to begin with. uic is going to look at these test scores and go cha-ching! we gotta place (and charge) this girl in math and english classes she won't even get credit for. which means she'll have to take extra classes and stay longer (meaning she'll have to pay us more). excellent. whoever choose to let her in twice, give them a raise!