i look at my relationship with my brother and i just cry. how did it get this way? has it always been this way? i remember being as unhappy as he was back in third grade through fifth grade. it was a phase for me a phase i scared myself out of. but during that time i took it out on my closest siblings katie and daniel. i looked up to katie so we grew out of fighting. but with daniel our relationship stayed the same. i couldn't stand people who i knew looked up to me and tried to be like me. "be your own self!" i would scream at him, "stop copying me!" i was suppose to walk him home from school in fourth and fifth grade. everyday would be the same. i would wait until i saw him come out of the doors and then walk ahead of him enough so that he could see me and know where to go, but never would actually walk with him. one day his anger had build up so much that he chases me home and met me at the door and just started punching me. after that happened we would race each other home. if i made it home first i would lock myself in the bathroom and wait until my mom came home. if he made it home first, he would lock all the doors locking me out of the house. why was i so mean, because i was trying to work out my own mess from a "mean girls" situation. i was depressed and didn't want to be around anyone, especially my "still walking funny on his tippy-toes brother" as my friend in fifth grade put it. once i pulled my self out of my depression i stopped talking to that friend, who's whole family made fun of him. i remember thinking, "hey, he is my brother. i'm the only one that can make fun of him, because deep down i really love him!" i may never showed him any love, but that didn't mean i didn't love him. i look at all the tests of middle school and the tests he is still going through still in high school and all i can do is blame myself. i was as hard on him as i wanted to be on myself. i took everything negative in my life out on him. he didn't do anything, but just look up to me. why couldn't i just let him look up to me? why couldn't i just be nice?! he is so unhappy right now. school just sends him messages that he's dumb and won't achieve anything. when really it's the school that doesn't offer him enough of the type of classes that actually focus on his talents. the pain and anger of dealing with failure and disappointment over and over again, of course he is unhappy. i just need to know that he will be okay, not for my feeling of guilt (because that will never go away, no matter what) but just so that he will make it through school and will be okay.
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O Lord! Make this youth radiant,
and confer Thy bounty upon this poor creature.
Bestow upon him knowledge,
grant him added strength at the break of every morn
and gaurd him within the shelter of Thy protection
so that he may be freed from error,
may devote himself to the service of Thy Cause,
may guide the wayward, lead the hapless,
free the captives and awaken the heedles,
that all may be blessed with Thy remembrance and praise.
Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful.
-'Abdu'l-Baha
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Oh Anya, being an older sister is such a tough job; learning how to be a person while all the while there's a younger person looking up to you, trying to be like you when you haven't even figured out who you are yet. I know it's rough to look back at all the mistakes you've made. Trust me, I'm there, too.
Be glad that you're there for him now. Saying prayers and being supportive is huge!!!
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