Welcome to the real world.

here is a well known fact; i can not sing. the reason for this goes back to my early days. the days spent screaming and yelling, showing my frustrationg the only way i knew how. why was i like that, why did i always seem to be upset and angry? but then it hit me today as my dad and i were going through college plans. i am easily overwhelmed. today, though, i seemed to grow up. don't get me wrong i still wanted to start crying and go back to my three year old ways, but i didn't and took it all in slowly. trying despreatly not to freak out. i managed to pull it off and felt proud of myself. if only it were that easy not to freak out in the inside. so, please excuse this freak out. additional cost just keep popping into my head every 3.12 seconds, making it hard to think, listen, or write. books, down payment of tuition, down payment of room and board (if i take their room and board), food, laundry, and if i live with suz, hus, and ami all that minus room and board plus rent, car down payment, car monthly payments, gas, and insurance. do you know how much insurance is for chicago, especially if it's for the uic area near the projects? well, i don't but i can't imagine it's cheap. then on top of it all architecture students need a super laptop for it's super memory and super speed to run autocad. oh and they have to buy autocad. autocad cost (when you find a really really good sale) some where around $345 (that is $345 for a licence for one year). that's not all, there is about three more costly computer programs to buy if you want what you need for architecture program. imagine i just said that in five seconds without taking a breath, does that give you an idea of my head?

which makes me think; is it all worth it? not college, but architecture. i had my reservations before this "seeing the real numbers for college" inside meltdown. i hung onto that dream of becoming an architecture when one of my sisters said to me, "oh, i used to want to be an architect when i was your age. you'll grow out of it" and my i told my stubborn self, "it is. not. a phase." i became determind for my then dream to become an architect not to be "just a phase." i guess that says it all. it's hard for me to let go of things, real hard, but it was a pretend dream or more like a security dream i used to protect myself from becoming overwhelmed with not knowing what i will be when i'm all "grown up." so, umm...

UIC thank you for accepting me twice into your architect program, but do you think that when i come knocking at your door (say 'round late november) you could show a girl some mercy and tell her she can transfer to your design program?

(sometimes being a refactory onion can just kick you in the butt. i just had to be born in the year of the ox.)

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one bright morning, when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

When The shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh Glory
I'll fly away, in the morning
When I die, hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away
I'll fly away