perk #241 of living with the allmarts: being there to overhear husayn sing J. Lo's "Jenny from the Block"
a priceless moment?
you have no idea what you all just missed.
and now on to the rambling. bare with me or just stop reading...staring now:
there are things that people don't allow themselves to do and for me one of those things is hope. though to many this can be a romantic notion; to have hope is to have faith, to have faith is to believe, and to believe is to be hopeful. it's one big beautiful circle, but for me hope is scary. to hope is to finally admit to myself whatever it is that i am allowing myself to hope for is the thing i really want. doubt fills my head and the fear of what i'm hoping for is not what i need or is not going to get me where i want it to get me, or it is not what i should be hoping for and so forth and so on. i don't want to hope, because i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to have faith, because i don't want what i want not to happen. i don't want to believe, because i don't want my hope to blind me in seeing other out comes.
confused? so am i. but at least i have a vague idea of what i am saying. you may not, sorry. words and i are in a complex relationship...and that being true, why i have a blog remains an question that's going to go unpondered.
i am hoping to go to ruhi in the woods this summer (an intensive training camp for future community service type thing) and i'm trying to put these fears of hope aside. right now i am filling out the application and i'm trying to figure out how to say what i want to say. not too good with words and writing, three out of four of the question asked are, in a way, intimidating. my involvement with core activities and my experiences with them? well, i filled in and helped my sister a few times with her sunday school classes...uhh...the study circle i was in held a devotional...umm...yeah. i feel under qualified to answer the question and scold myself, "why haven't you done...done...something!" i had school, i had a job, i had a two hour commute each day...these are the excuses running through my head. when did i have the time? i should have made the time.
but as i ponder about why, i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator. i would become comfortable through meeting and getting to know the people that would be there with me, the people i would be working with when we come back to chicago. instead of "would" though, i should be saying "hope". i hope that is apart of what i would get out of going to this training. this is what i envision at least.
hmm...baahhhhh....applications.
hmm...baahhhhh....hoping.
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My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
Where Onionlee rambles and finally gets what taglines are.
places i go the most
- charlie (Liza)
- george (Katie)
- Husayn (the first brother-in-law)
- Nathan (the third brother-in-law)
- clarie the bear
- geet street
- heather the beautiful feather
- katy not so shady
- anna the oh so great anna
- "chainsaw" reed
- taleedo
- riane
- erin the great
- andrew the graphic genius
- katie and mark
- missmartha
- a swearing mormon
3 comments:
i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator.
Well I don't know if you've already sent in your application...but I think you should say just that. I went to part of the first year of Ruhi in the Woods, and the point (at least for me) was to LEARN how to do these things in an environment that is not so scary and overwhelming. I hope that you get to go...but even if you don't, I think you'll do the service that you need to be doing. Don't underestimate the importance of school & work...we must have a balance. :-)
thanks sholeh!
What you wrote isn't confusing at all, in fact, I think it would be very hard to miss your point. I think I would have to try very hard not to get it.
Nevertheless, you could spice up these entries with some wonderfully obtuse statements like: "How are flowers?" and "Walking should be done away with. Segways for everyone!"
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