Is there anything I can do about anything at all?

here is a little tip: do not put your u-pass in your coat pocket. you might sit on your coat through out the day and then when you are ready to go home and pull it out, you will notice that it is crumbled up like your p*nea's new product study guide at the bottom of your bag. plus, you will find, that it does not work and in fact gets stuck if you decide to try to use it (both times).

and if you don't follow that tip, here is another one for you: now since you didn't listen to my first tip, you now have to go down to CTA headquarters. where's that? "get off at clark and lake" oh, okay. so it's right on that corner? "oh, no. just get off there, it's on the corner of lake and clinton." so here is the tip; when someone tells you that look at a freaking map for goodness sakes, don't assume that it's within a reasonable walking distance (reasonable while lugging around your laptop).

the last tip mentioned is very important. if you don't follow that tip, something like the following might happen. you might walk from the library (where you snuck to the top floor to get pictures for your project and almost got caught <--now, that was scary), located on jackson to clark and lake. there you might stop at potbelly's, because your friend (who has no idea what he's about to get himself into) is hungry and you are quiet thirsty. while waiting for your friend to finish eating you are starting to get a little worried about time (being the time freak that you are), but relax and tell yourself, "it's only four. i have enough time." i mean you already at clark and lake, you know you are near, and your friend even reassures you with, "yeah, it's not like they close at 4:30."


so then you start walking with your laptop on one sholder (because you camera does not have a memory card and can only hold up to 22 pictures and you need to take more than that for your project) and you are trying not to aknowledge the pain of the new blisters on your heels from those dang shoes made in brazil that you got for oprah (no, nathan we didn't get anything...except AMAZING SEATS!! watch monday...i'll probably be on in the begining when she's walking out...heather, she touched my hand and if heaven has a scent it would be what oprah smells like). block after block the word crap that's resounding in the back of your head gets only louder or maybe it's your friends threat of, "Anya, I am going to hit you. Where are we? Why aren't I hitting you? Why haven't I hit you yet?" is getting louder when he realizes two things...one, that this is longer than he expected and two, though you seem like you know and you act like you know, you don't know where you are going... or maybe it's both. (here is a mini-tip: if you see lasalle and you think that means just a few blocks until you hit clinton...hahaha...you're wrong.)

after turning around to head back to state (twice) you might finally hit clinton (after you take into account the mini-tip i just gave you). so there you are at the corner and clinton and lake. there is an open parking lot on one corner. there is a parking garage on another corner. there is a torn down building on the other. and on the last corner of where lake and clinton intersect, there is NOT the CTA headquarters. this is when you might to start to become dilussional and start thinking that the el stop above you could be the headquarters. at this point you might just want to cry, but it might be better to save your tears for what might come next.

BECAUSE, next you somehow find the CTA HQ and think, "at last! how freaking long did it take us to get here!" but that happiness of actually finding the place is short lived, because that's when you decide to get in line (and with no line you just walk right up to the guy). this is when you explain your story and ask where you might go to get it fixed. then the guy might deliver the heartbreaking news. he will look at his watch and say, "hmm...well as of right now it is closed and you'll have to come back on monday." that is when you lose it (not in an angry way but in a complete state of unbelief, beweilderment of the fact that they actually close at four thirty) and your friend has to help you out of the building.

then, because you have no idea what to do or are in no state to decide how to get back you just start walking. all the while your friend is hating you and letting you know it...as in yelling at you in public. so from lake all the way back to jackson each block as you are getting closer to ending your circle around chicago, your friends anger only gets louder and stronger (and at union station he loses it, "I'M AT FREAKING UNION STATION, AN-YA! UNION. STATION.). but you are still in a state of such shock that it only makes you laugh, because well it is just THAT sad.

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i jump out of the car and being full of nervous excited energy, i end up running up the driveway to the door. i knock. no answer. i wait. still no answer. i look through the windows surrounding the door and there he is looking back at me, with his hair the crazy way it always is. i almost cry; it's my vahid. he finally opens the door and i hug him and he says, "Hi, Heather," all noncholant. "HEATER!" my heart screams, "HEATHER'S NOT EVEN REAL, SHE'S JUST A FIGMENT!" But my mouth kindly lets out, "i'm not heather sillly!" he says, "oh. i know, i was just kidding [awkward pause as he tries to remember who i am but can't]." in that moment, if you were listening closely you would have heard it; the sound of my heart shattering. that name, that pause, it still tears at my heart. vahidy doesn't even know my name anymore.

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sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

and it's strange
they are basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse