a week ago i completely broke down in tears for what seemed like no reason and all i could think was i just want to go home. one more month and i'll be home. the only problem is that i feel guilty for wanting to go home the way that i do. i mean for goodness sake it is all i write about these days; how much i miss being home, how much i want to be back home. these past six months have turned out completely different than i had ever thought. i expected to be tested with work, work, work. in fact i was even looking foward to it... being in a baha'i environment; having regular feasts, sunday classes, study circles... always being busy with activaties, activaties, activaties while learning, learning, learning more and more about the Faith and making the Faith, my Faith (do you know what i mean by that?). instead it turned out to be tests all dealing with boredom; finding something to do.
people always say experiences are what you make of them. that makes me feel like if i have had a crappy experience here, it's my fault. which makes me feel guilty like i should have done more. then i try to think of what i could have done and i think and i think and i think. everything i come up with i always see how it wouldn't have worked out anyways. but is that me just making excuses for myself to feel less guilty or is it the truth? am i lazy or are things here really that backwards? it's just all so frustrating, because i feel like i should be doing more or should have done more.
it would be easy to blame other people for this lack of direction that i am feeling and have felt the whole time i was here, but i just don't feel like that's right or fair. especially if experiances are what you make out of them then i'm to blame because i didn't created my own drive to get things started. but then again i didn't know how to get things started. i felt like the only way to please people was to do what they asked and keep quite. never wanted/feeling comfortable to express my opinion in fear of coming off like i was complaining.
i feel guilty for secreatly wishing i was doing my service somewhere else, while at the same time feeling that i might not have made the best out of my time here and it's my own fault for wanting to be somewhere else having a different experiance; a more positive experiance.
bah. hum-bug.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Anya, don't beat yourself up over this! I think it's rarely the case that one person is ever to blame for what turns out to be a less than positive experience. My understanding of the Baha'i definition of leadership is that of being able to recognize people's talents and capacities and channel them into avenues of service in line with the goals at hand. From the things that you've mentioned on your blog it doesn't seem as though that whole process has been very fine-tuned yet. At the same time, like you said, it's not like individuals should sit around until someone discovers their capacities and inspires them to do something with them. I'm hesitant to say much else because I don't really know the details of the whole situation, but ultimately, maybe, it comes down to frank and honest consultation between you and the people you're working for, which may or may not be such an easy thing depending on your relationship with them, but really seems like the best route from my perspective.
Also, as far as feeling guilty goes, I really wouldn't dwell too much on that. Although admittedly easier said than done, try to view this as just a learning exercise, like you're trying out a new gymnastics (or basketball?) trick or something--not as some moral judgement. I've found that to be a much more helpful way of thinking these past few years.
Hope this doesn't sound too big-sisterish, but there you have it. See you in a month!
Love love,
Suzanne
Anya-
I love you! So sorry I haven't been able to return your call- I will this weekend. I PROMISE! Hang in there...and feeling guilty -yuck- try to let that feeling go. It does no good!
~Liza
Suzanne- looking at this as a learning exercise; good advice, it helps.
Katie- thank you for all the ideas! i'm definately going to raid micheal's this weekend.
Liza- i love you too! and, by the way, it's calls. you will try to return my calls this weekend. haha i'm just teasing you busy butt, besides it's been fun stalking your voice mail box.
thanks for you comments guys they really are helping me feel better and less guilty.
Post a Comment