Here I am

I am now half-way through my service here. Yes, I'm coming home early. Among other reasons, I must get home and start saving money for college. Hopefully that college is UIC, but really who knows. For my first three months here it was really nice having a whole trailer to myself and living completely alone. But since I've come back from home, it's just terribly lonesome and it bothers me. Maybe it has to do with my lack of creativity (in other words lack of not wanting to do anything) or the fact that last night I was so sure someone was in there with me that I laid awake frozen on my side too scared to look up or move in fear that if I did convince myself to move and look up there would be someone there. I have never experienced fear like that. I was planning on getting up early to start running again, but I didn't. That feeling of fear had been so strong and intense all night long, I couldn't tell myself that I was just being stupid and that it was safe to go running. I guess I just really miss having a bunch of people around. Growing up with a cramped living environment and people constantly around, I don't feel I need this much space or this much time to myself (which is the majority of the day). I don't know, I just feel like I should be doing more. I came all prepared to be constantly busy with maintenace work or stuff like that, but I'm doing the opposite. I guess I just feel frustrated because my time being active is way, way, way less compared to the time I am inactive (sidenote:and frustrated because I'm not one of those ambitious/leader personalities that creates their own direction/motivation and has all the confidence in the world...you know one of those people, I am most certainly not). And what do I do to fill up all that time by myself? I keep trying to think of/find things in my head but I keep hitting walls. "I could do this--no, that doesn't work because..."

ugh.

This is weird, but this all makes me really miss being in school. Where I am constantly learning and keeping my mind active. My mind now feels like a big puddle of mush and it's such a yucky feeling. My friend, Karen, was telling me how she was dreading taking math for her upcoming semester and I was all, "Oh! I'll do it for you! Just send me your stuff!" Though I was joking, I still got a little excited about being able to do her homework. I mean I got excited thinking about doing a math problem! Which naturally led me to thinking about all those complex ca-zillion step calculus problems, which got me a little more excited. Oh, math if you only knew how much I secretly love(d) you.

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The sky is grey
The sand is grey
And the ocean is grey

What kind of paradise am i looking for?
I've got everything i want and still i want more
Maybe some tiny shiny key
Will wash up on the shore