where i find myself

one long day coupled with a silent moment of loneliness felt late at night while laying in bed staring at pictures of those i love, the solid groud i stand upon--the solid ground i pride upon--softens. usually i panic and run, careful to where my feet touch the ground. i run to the pavement of cynicality, which plays the part of my sanity until my heart eventually comes back to me.

but this time,
this time my still soul stays where it is. and while i watch ten little pigs play in the mud, i wait patiently for the ground to dry.

the best way to end a week

hands down the best thing about chicago are the free concerts. like tonight for example, the chicago symphony orchestra's free preformance at millennium to kick off the world music festival. it was during Yuan-Qing Yu's violin solo (amazing!!) that i realized the beauty of the orchestra. any place that this orchestra played, anywhere across the world, people of any ethnic background, any age, any gender, any anything would hear the same emotion expressed by the music. then while explaining this idea to a friend i realized that this music is the universal language. my love for orchestra's has quadruplafied.

autoSAD

you know those awesome roommates i have? well, they are no where to be found. i forgot how architecture consumes peoples entire beings. forget first year all-nighters, this year it has developed into all-weekers. but here is the kicker, the one that hit me so hard that all that was left to do was laugh, then cry and then laugh again. not only have my roomates been in studio each night this week, this morning one of them (while home for two hours, taking a quick nap) took my toothbrush thinking they were doing my other roommate a favor by grabing her toothbrush. way to be considerate...way to steal my toothbrush! if i had known, i wouldn't have eaten an icecream sandwich. fyi: icecream sandwiches leave the teeth feeling a little fuzzy. gross, yet delicious! i can't wait until they get their autoCAD licences and can just work from their laptops from anywhere.

People I wish I had better memories of

sometimes, especially when i'm tired, i find it hard not to miss people.

i got a bike! i got a bike! i got a bike! hey, hey, hey, hey!

my original plan was to bike to school with one of my roomies, but financial aid came in and it was mission a few hundreded and a bike was no longer in the budget for this onion. after a long (and multiple) talks with another friend about my no-bike situation (who is waiting for me to get a bike so we can hit up the night riding scene) i decided it was time i detacht myself from getting one. that night i while working on homework what did my roommate find in the back closet? none other than a bike. the wheels were off, the chain was...not right, and there were random (to us at least) screws lying around it. what does my great roommate do? she decides at twelve to start to put it together. you see, my roommate loves bikes. seriously, if a bike is around she has a hard time paying attention to anything else. so the joy that i found that night, was not finding a bike and having an amazing roomie that would fix it for me, but how excited and how happy putting the bike together made her.

When the food starts to get better

that's right, i made tadiq...and i didn't burn it!! well okay the slightly burnt side is conveniently hidden on the other side of the plate, but, i mean, look at that beautiful plate of rice! you should have seen me taking pictures of it. i pretty much filled my camera with pictures as though it was my first born. i'm eating it right now (and who knew first borns were so tasty!) mmm...i'm so happy, i love persian food!

on growing up...

my sister liza can be caught, many times, saying how old she is or how old she feels, and today i finally am able to relate to her blasphemy. for the first time, i feel old. this week i moved into my new apartment. neither of my roommates have moved in yet, so there is no one around to check on me or to make decisions with, and for the first time feel fully responsible for myself and my well-being.

and it's scary.

and the foods not all that great either*.

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fantasy is what people want
but reality is what they need...

...what are we going to do now
where are we going to go now
what are we going to say now

*suzanne and husayn know how to feed people, let me tell you

In God let the trusting trust...

'Abdu'l-Baha stated:

"It is extremely difficult to teach the individual and refine his character once puberty is passed. By then, as experience hath shown, even if every effort be effort be exerted to modify some tendency of his, it all availeth nothing. He may, perhaps, improve somewhat today; but let a few days pass and he forgetteth, and turneth backward to his habitual condition and accustomed ways."

Extremely difficult does not mean impossible. (yay!)

i heart portland.

well, portland is amazing. i woke up this morning and saw a mountain. yeah, that's right a mountain. and there are trees, you know...everywhere. portland is kinda covered with them and it's kinda great. then there are the parks. you don't have to go looking for the parks they just find you. first off, just by walking around the neighborhoods you might think that you are already in a park. but if that in it's self is not good enough for you, just start walking around and sooner rather than later you will stumble upon a park (and by the way their 'parks' are more like mini-forest perserves). right now i'm greatful to have grown up in the mid-west, because if i hadn't would i appreciate portland this much? illinois pretty much rocks right now, because it make portland so great.

moral of this post? visit portland; the city where they work.

Current state of being; note not current state of doing.

Here comes the rain storm. You can smell, see, and feel it coming. The barometric meter changes and you can feel the ache of every past injury in your bones. You prepare for its coming the best you can, knowing it’s a big one. You bring in the dried towels and anything else that need to be brought in. And then you wait; excited about the change that is about to take place. It starts out slowly with light gusts of wind and then starts to pick up. You reach out your hand from under the protected stoop from which you sit, close your eyes, and let yourself feel each drop. At first it tingles and you feel as though your hand has fallen asleep and is now waking up. You can’t help but take a small step out and let your whole body feel the rain. In a way, you come to realize, each drop that hits you allows you to feel your place in the world; you feel small and powerless. But then the rain starts to pour down and you can no longer feel the tingles of each drop; instead you become so soaked (with the exception of a few fat drops hitting your face) you are no longer aware of the rain. You think back to your place in the world and this time you feel unconstrained.

The rain, it eventually stops and you are left there in a state of bewilderment. Ten minutes ago you were completely dry and now by taking that step and standing in rain you are wet. In that short period of time you have changed and you are worried; what is it going to be like when you step back into the house?

Okay, so that was a bit weak and lame, but I’m exhausted. Not only am I exhausted, I am hot and the hotness is counteracting upon my exhaustion. Grrr…(and I grr in the utmost frustration). But anyways…After being gone for six weeks, in homes where there was endless support and one common goal, I’m a bit scared and overwhelmingly excited to be stepping back into the world.

By the way, how is the world oh people, that have been reading this? (that’s me asking you how you are…I miss you people). a little side story here: my friend geet-smeet (named changed for protection) says I need to stop making friends, because born into a family of seven…how is it that I have time for friends? Then while I was complaining about missing people she said, “see! you need to stop meeting people and making friends, you are just going to end up missing people all the time.” so, true. I miss and I miss. in fact I kinda want to get married just so everyone I miss can be all together.

More on Ruhi/my summer later… and by later I mean when I have time (mahh).

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Holy Spirit rain down on me

I want to feel Your presence around me

Shower upon me Thy confirmations

Through the Spirit of Faith bring regenerations

oh, i do believe in all the things you see, what comes is better than what came before.

you learn something new everyday and on the fourth of july i learned this:

spontaneous dance party at the smits leaves the spirit ablaze and the soul soaring.

I listen to the wind
The wind of my soul
Where I'll end up, well I think
Only God really knows

Feeling it.

Sasha (as I am biting into a left over piece of a green bell pepper): why are you eating a jalapeño?

Me (confused): This isn’--- !!!!

Two minutes later, while soaking my lips in milk and sucking on bread…

Me: I feel like I have kissed hell.

and now for a two second update:

ruhi in the woods equals life altering?

thus far i have laughed so hard my back hurt, found my twin, married, and now know what faith means. it's only been one weeks, but i can already answer that question...yes, in a very very good way.

Working on.

and a quick shout-out: happy anniversary mom and dad!

i love my merkels forever and for always.

vahid: no, anya! don't turn off the light. i know i'm bigger than tana and xcy, but they share a room and don't have to sleep by themselves. i don't have anyone to talk to, just bob the builder. hey! why don't you sleep in the bottom bunk tonight!

vahid (one hour later): goodnight anya!

vahid (another hour later): okay, just one more question...

vahid (half an hour after that): what about yellow annnndddd.......green?

vahid (half an hour aftert that): what about 3 blues and 100 oranges?

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tah: bye-bye xcy, i love you!
xcyden: i wuv you!
tah: who do you love?
xcyden (looking up from her plate at me, grins and points): anya!

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katana: ohhh, so baby amia grew up and became your dad!?!!

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vahid (while pulling into dairy queen): anya, this is really nice!
me: no, vahid you're really nice.
vahid (after thinking about it): hey! i AM really nice!
mady: wow, vahid you're real modest.
vahid: no, mady anya's just being honest.



happy birthday sara!!! turning 28 must be fun!

bah-humbug.

perk #241 of living with the allmarts: being there to overhear husayn sing J. Lo's "Jenny from the Block"

a priceless moment?

you have no idea what you all just missed.

and now on to the rambling. bare with me or just stop reading...staring now:
there are things that people don't allow themselves to do and for me one of those things is hope. though to many this can be a romantic notion; to have hope is to have faith, to have faith is to believe, and to believe is to be hopeful. it's one big beautiful circle, but for me hope is scary. to hope is to finally admit to myself whatever it is that i am allowing myself to hope for is the thing i really want. doubt fills my head and the fear of what i'm hoping for is not what i need or is not going to get me where i want it to get me, or it is not what i should be hoping for and so forth and so on. i don't want to hope, because i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to have faith, because i don't want what i want not to happen. i don't want to believe, because i don't want my hope to blind me in seeing other out comes.

confused? so am i. but at least i have a vague idea of what i am saying. you may not, sorry. words and i are in a complex relationship...and that being true, why i have a blog remains an question that's going to go unpondered.

i am hoping to go to ruhi in the woods this summer (an intensive training camp for future community service type thing) and i'm trying to put these fears of hope aside. right now i am filling out the application and i'm trying to figure out how to say what i want to say. not too good with words and writing, three out of four of the question asked are, in a way, intimidating. my involvement with core activities and my experiences with them? well, i filled in and helped my sister a few times with her sunday school classes...uhh...the study circle i was in held a devotional...umm...yeah. i feel under qualified to answer the question and scold myself, "why haven't you done...done...something!" i had school, i had a job, i had a two hour commute each day...these are the excuses running through my head. when did i have the time? i should have made the time.

but as i ponder about why, i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator. i would become comfortable through meeting and getting to know the people that would be there with me, the people i would be working with when we come back to chicago. instead of "would" though, i should be saying "hope". i hope that is apart of what i would get out of going to this training. this is what i envision at least.

hmm...baahhhhh....applications.

hmm...baahhhhh....hoping.

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My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

i'm not exactly sure when it happened or how exactly it happened but...i have become a shoe whore.

and if you are disgusted like i am slightly frighten by this; don't look in my closet. since moving to evanston (since i started paying for my everything...minus my mobile) the number of shirts i own has doubled, my skirts have raised ten fold, and my pants! have most certainly tripled. i blame what i call the 14-odd-years of hand-me-downs liberation. in no way being serious; it has changed my life.

...i also blame nordstoms rack, the urban outfitters additional 50% off sale items, and gap being convently next door to p*nea.

...and debit cards.

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If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world

What he was thinking about the girl
Ya, what he's thinking about the girl, oh

A lot of people get confused and they bruise
Real easy when it comes to love
They start putting on their shoes and walking out
And singing "boy, I think I had enough"

Just because she makes a big rumpus
She don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy
Take a tip and do yourself a little service
Take a mountain turn it into a mole

So now you're mad, denying the truth
And it's hidden in the wisdom in the back of your tooth
Ya need ta spit it out, in a telephone booth
While ya call everyone that you know, and ask 'em

Where do you think she goes
Oh ya, where d'ya suppose she goes, oh

The truth well you know there's no stoppin' it
And the boat well ya know she's still rockin' it

The boat ya you know she's still rockin' it
And the truth ya you know there's no stoppin' it

You recognize with your back in the back?
That it's colder when she rocks the boat
But it's the cause hittin on the Cardinal Laws?
'bout the proper place to hang her coat

So to you, the truth is still hidden
And the soul plays the role of a lost little kitten but
You should know that the doctors weren't kiddin?
She's been singing it all along

But you were hearin' a different song

Do you feel?

Spontaneous motherfreaking dance parties make life worth living.

When Your Burrito Explodes

You know you have done something wrong, and you have just gotten what you have deserved when your veggie burrito with no beans, mild sauce, cheese, cream cheese, with no guacamole and no lettuce explodes onto your arm.

somehow i managed to leave two friends eating lunch at two different potbellies (misspelled because i feel like it) all by themselves. one was at the one on wabash the other on wacker. yes, map it out in your head or on google maps (i still prefer mapquest) and you will notice that, yes i manage to leave two friends stranded at the two potbellies on opposite sides of the loop. not only did i have to walk those 20 some blocks (exaggerated because that's what i do) feeling horrible for how much of a failure of a friend i am, i had to walk those 20 some blocks hungry. so i guess i got what was coming after sitting down to eat my burrito, after i said, "well, at least someone is going to have a good lunch today." and yes, we were sitting by the windows to give the pedestrians something to laugh at.

Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like you are in movie where it’s just about to end, and the oldies song starts to play quietly and then you turn it up and the song takes over, everyone is happy, and just as the scene fades you are running out of the room dancing?

A lesson must be lived in order to be learned.

and i think to myself, what lesson am i living?

if there is a thing called "old soul," i am most definitely a "new soul." i am an observer of sorts; always watching, listening, and absorbing other people's talks and interactions. unable to conger up the right words to describe my vivid visual thoughts, i am quite. "old souls" are known for their deep spiritual, and intellectual, insights; "new souls" are in need of strong, and patient, spiritual guidance.

i find my self living in a cycle, where suddenly, after months or years, i wake up and realize i have being living life through it's motions. as of this moment the first time i remember "waking up" was when someone once asked me, "what do you think about, what thoughts run through your head?" i thought about the question and the answer was clear, "nothing." i'm sure my friend thought that it was a joke or me just being a tease, but really it was the truth. well "the truth" scared me and was enough of a jolt to me that i had my first "awakening." what is it that i should be thinking about? which eventually developed into the question of, what am i afraid to think about? the answer was God. and so, i struggled, as i forced myself to think about God, to actually learn about this Baha'i Faith i called my own.

it was not until tonight that i feel i have a bit more understanding of why; in fact it was not until tonight that i finally had the guts to ask myself why it was i was afraid of God. tonight i decided to go down to the lake (what suzanne and i affectionately call the ocean) to say midnight prayers. it was there that i realized how far away i was sitting and thought to myself, "why is it that i am afraid of the ocean?" which reminded me of this quote:

O My Servants! My holy, My divinely ordained Revelation may be likened unto an ocean in whose depths are concealed innumerable pearls of great price, of surpassing luster. It is the duty of every seeker to bestir himself and strive to attain the shores of this ocean, so that he maym in proportion to the eagerness of his search and the efforts he hath exerted, partake of such benefits as have been pre-ordained in God's irrevocable and hidden Tablets.

and i finally asked myself why it was that i was afraid of God. (just to be clear, i did not remember not but two words from this quote, but i visualized it's meaning...or more it's meaning to me) right now, i feel that the answer i found, or more the answer i am beginning to find, is that there just may not be one answer to why and maybe its not the one answer that is important here; maybe it is the question itself that is of higher value. it is the question that got me to think.