I've made my bed and now I'm gonna lay in it.

quite possibly the best, yet most dangerous thing to shop for while sick...

bedding. you try to stay within your budget (of zero $) but you feel so miserable that you will take anything that appeals to the comfort of your bed.

went to ikea today (great place) and decided it was time for me to get myself a down comforter at long last. i have wanted one since i was in sixth grade. in "home 1" i found exactly what i wanted, but then when we were looking at the bed frame section liza hurried over to me, took hold of my arm (as if she were amia), and dragged me across to the bed sheets that she knew i would like. and she was right, i loved them. sadly, they were expencive and in the end i went with the less expencive set (i'm cheap like that). it was when i picked out the down comforter that i wanted, but was not about to pay that much for, that liza remembered she had an extra one from her single days. so to celebrate this great borrow that equates to a down comforter for anya, anya got herself a sara-like pillow, AT a reasonible price i might add. so now, as i lay in my bed putting off writting my cover letter for english, scanning in my drawings for arch, reading for philosophy, or catching up on my math class that i skipped on wednesday ('cause i'm bad-ass like that) with my body feeling like crap, i smile. i've made my bed and now i'm gonna lay in it.

every now and then, i fall apart

overall this semester has taken it out of me. it's like i've been in two places at once, but really never being fully in either place. always rushing, always having something or some other place to be. never having the time to even talk on the phone to keep in touch with people, or time to write for that matter. i've lost touch with all who know me. and that, that makes me sad. but mostly dissappointed in myself. i'm so shy, so far from being a social warrior, that it takes time for people to get to know me. so why have i failed in keeping in touch, you would think that i would value those realationships enough to keep them up. i'm so tired of it, so tired of being shy and such a wallflower. but how does one go around changing such a big part of their personality? is it even possible? maybe for some people, but for me? i try to visualize it and it seems partically possible, but then i remind myself what i do do when faced with a room full of people i don't know and what i thought may be obtainable, no longer is.

---------------------------

The answer came
Like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus, you weren't listening
You were stockpiling canned goods
Making a bomb shelter of our basement
And i can't believe you let the moral go by
While you were soaking in the product placement

Where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters
That you wrote to yourself
But could not address?

There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
A whole childhood of potions
That are all bottled up
And so one by one i am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and filling up cups
So go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine
And i'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists
That we hold in our fists
Of the things that we promise to do
Differently next time

Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain
Why years later all you could remember
Was the terror of the question
Plus i'm not listening to you anymore
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And i'm mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated
Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And what do i do with all these letters
That i wrote to myself
But cannot address?

oh, the weekend that was.

an update in somewhat list form, because those are always nice (aka a yawn post to avoid those soon to be comments demanding an update)...

THE LOWLIGHTS (things that made me sad):

-the potrayal of dumbledore in the new h.p. movie. come on, would dumbledore EVER choke harry? does he EVER lose his temper? does he EVER yell at the students? does he EVER seem confused?

-talking myself into staying in studio on friday to get ahead of my workload for the weekend. then, as i am taking off my fourth (yes, fourth) axon drawing that i spent four hours on, i ripped it. (and yes, at that moment i fell to the floor and just cried, while asking in my delusioned state "why God, why?")

-having to close with a new manager at p*nea, fearing he was a cleaning nazi.

-finding out katie and nathan won't be coming up for thanksgiving

-not being able to participate in a study circle at my house, because i had to work on architecture and had to run to work

-knowing that after i got out of work, it was only the begining of my night

-pulling two mini all-nighters

-i lied. after finding out that the night before when i didn't pay for parking was a fluke and that i wasn't going to be able to leave without paying $5.75 (which meant i would have to re-park walk to white hen, hope it's open, pay atm charge to get money, buy something to get change, and then walk back to my car in chicago, by myself at three in the morning). this, mind you, was after a good ten minutes driving around the lot trying and re-trying to get out, thinking i was crazy because i couldn't remember what i did last night to get out. so i called the emergency help line and when asked if i had paid the $5.75 that i did not have to pay the night before, i lied and said, "yeah."

-knowing that i technically owe uic $11.25

-sholeh's last uic bahai association meeting

-finally getting to register for classes for next spring, but only thus far sign up for two classes

-eating a hot pocket and drinking a vanilla pepsi for dinner which i ate at eleven

-dealing with a screwed up sleep schedule, where now i can't fall asleep until three

THE HIGHLIGHTS (things that made up for it):

-getting to see the new h.p. movie at 12:01 with liza and brent

-being honored the "fuck up of the month" by naida in studio for ripping my axon.

-making an axon wall where i put up all the ten thousand "rough draft" axons it took to get to my final one, and then collecting everyone elses "rough draf" axons and putting them up (it's one fine wall, let me tell you)

-finding out that the new manager is no cleaning nazi and likes to go home as much as i do

-taking saturday off to watch amia, that girl cracks me up with every move she makes.

-realizing as i was trying to slowly put amia on her bed, after she fell asleep on our walk, that a one and a half year old had me pinned down and there was nothing i could do about it

-fighting over who gets liza's elephant with amia

-then one morning waking up missing it after falling asleep with it the night before only to find amia playing with it in the living room.

-finding out that there is a "santa express" el by caughting it on my way to work (you don't know the definition of "decked out with christmas decorations" until you have seen that el, serioulsy)

-thinking that when i walked into studio on sunday at 11:30 pm i'd be alone, only to find out i wasn't

-driving downtown at three in the morning and getting to see state street all lit up, completely empty

-getting into art history 111 discussion group on weds. with all my friends in arch studio who i'll be leaving (okay so that last part is sad)

-celebrating wendy's birthday at geodano's

-homemade pumpkin pie...yummy!

-getting to play basketball!! (i forgot how much i miss playing)

-realizing that i didn't have to trim down my axon paper, because i drew it perfectly centered (i got nervous every time i touched that drawing, fearing i would some how mess it up again)

-getting some sleep

-having a good, open, long, funny conversation with a dear friend

AND

-forgetting and then remembering that thanksgivng is...(gasp!)... TOMORROW!!





What is your ideal date?

The last thursday of each November.

Say it isn't so! Say it isn't so!

lock all the doors.

turn off all the lights.

disconnect your phone.

lay in your bed and just start to cry.

Arrested Development has been canceled.

*UPDATE: Maybe there is something you can do, like Get Arrested! or something.

Mantengase Alejado de la Puerta

Made from love that is all pretending, we gave birth to a girl name Silence. One accepts and tries to fulfill her needs,one ignores her very existance. Both try to push away that which brought her here. Until both acknowledge her presence, she will never be able to leave, she will never be set free.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck

and take it to another city, boy, i don't know what to tell you.

it is fall and the crisp coldness that comes with fall is creeping into chicago. it is at this time of the year when i actually day dream about running. maybe this feeling has been programed into me after the years of last minute preparation for basketball tryouts. whatever the reason i love it. i love having the desire to go running and having to bundel up for the cold weather outside and then having it half off by the time i'm done from amount i have pushed myself. there is something about the cold weather, in it i can push myself further and faster. maybe it has to do with the fact the further and faster i go the less and less i can feel my limbs. or maybe it has to do with something else, who knows.

the crisp fall air that fills my lungs, my favorite pair of sweats, the crunching of the golden leaves under my feet and the darkness that surrounds me...all that was missing to make this the perfect run was some rain.

--------------------

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war cause

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down

Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

*jack handey is my hero.

What is going on?

Witness. I went home on friday, but when I saw this I wasn't sure where I was. Confusion set in as soon as I saw it, "What? Is that...? Where am I? Mooommmm!!!!" Terror seized me, for change in my home is hard for me to handle. I like knowing where everything is, where I can find things, what I can expect. A place where I know where I am and what I can do. Last time, when I saw the deforesting on the corner of prarie and that other street (near the knolls) I almost cried. Batavia, what are you doing getting rid of those trees? But that I can handle, that is developement. Or the new stop sign by the high school,
even that I can get used to. But change inside my own home is what I truely struggle with. The disappearance of Grandma Lehman's rocking chair (my parents waiting until I was gone for a weekend to throw it out). Then there now is an ocassionly a television WITH a DVD player sitting in our living room. That is a change I'm still getting used to. But what about this? Actual white bread in my home? This is unheard of. This is unfathomable. I mean, look WHITE bread sitting on my dinning room table. I can truthfully say that no one has ever seen such a thing.





This would be me on my 23rd hour. Yes, I officially feel like an architect student now, after pulling my first all-nighter on wednesday. On that One Great Day, I was in the AA building down in studio for 29 hours. When I finally finished all my work at 5:30 a.m. Nadia and I set off to find the roof to watch the sunrise (which everyone kept calling sunset, because that was just how long it had been since we had been outside). We successfully found the little window on the fifth floor and got onto the roof. We were quite proud of ourselves. Here is me climbing through the little window...
Can you see the little brown stain on my pants? Yeah, that would be from my 12th hour when my meatball sandwich landed in my lap and created two big brown stains on my pants that I would be wearing for another 28 hours. Oh! and here are the brusies I got from climbing through that little window. It took me awhile to figure out where those brusies were from when i found them...(i was tired, i couldn't think, i couldn't
remember).















I don't know how to wrap this up...sooo...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MI FASHA WHO I LOVA!

This picture is too good to appear only on one blog...

This would be the family that I could spend hours upon hours gushing about (literally). On the far left we have Jack-Jack (aka Xyden, who's smile would make your month...my month has been made... just because it is that beautiful...not to mention rare). On the floor is, "Edna Mole, darling" (aka my Katana-bana who is now all about giving the biggest-bestest hugs one has ever gotten). Far left we have Dash (aka Vahid WHO'S IN KINDERGARDEN and all grown up...but he still likes to play "making the food" with me). Oh and in the middle, there is Violet (aka Mady, aka the girl who got me addicted to the spiderman video game...*by the way anyone who has or knows of anyone who has that game, we are now best friends. it's official). As for the two left to be identified, they are Mr. and Mrs. Incredible (if you haven't figured that out already) or in other words the two people who must make the worlds best children. These are the Incrediebles, quiet possibly the only people that could make Nashville a bearable..err...I mean...memorable place.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

heatherkid1: all right, well, I'm going to go back to watch the game now.
heatherKid1: talk to you again soon.
gogoanya19: excellent
heatherKid1: cool.
heatherKid1: ta ta.
gogoanya19: what game?
gogoanya19: what is this?
gogoanya19: YOU'VE JOIN THE BANDWAGON!
heatherKid1: the fourth game of the world series!
gogoanya19: you are rooting for the sox aren't you?
heatherKid1: it's both of my hometowns playing -- chicago and houston. no way I can lose! LOL
gogoanya19: hahahaha
gogoanya19: good point
gogoanya19: UNLESS THE SOX WIN!
gogoanya19: what kind of cubs fan are you?
heatherKid1: If it was the Cubs, I'd be Cubs all the way, so with the Sox I can be all relaxed about it.
gogoanya19: okay
gogoanya19: but no jumping up and down if they win
gogoanya19: they being the sox
heatherKid1: I'm just practicing my cheering skills so that I'm ready when the Cubs make it next year.
heatherKid1: !!!
gogoanya19: try again.
heatherKid1: All right, so I have to go watch a bunch of good-looking male athletes play an awesome game.

Is there anything I can do about anything at all?

here is a little tip: do not put your u-pass in your coat pocket. you might sit on your coat through out the day and then when you are ready to go home and pull it out, you will notice that it is crumbled up like your p*nea's new product study guide at the bottom of your bag. plus, you will find, that it does not work and in fact gets stuck if you decide to try to use it (both times).

and if you don't follow that tip, here is another one for you: now since you didn't listen to my first tip, you now have to go down to CTA headquarters. where's that? "get off at clark and lake" oh, okay. so it's right on that corner? "oh, no. just get off there, it's on the corner of lake and clinton." so here is the tip; when someone tells you that look at a freaking map for goodness sakes, don't assume that it's within a reasonable walking distance (reasonable while lugging around your laptop).

the last tip mentioned is very important. if you don't follow that tip, something like the following might happen. you might walk from the library (where you snuck to the top floor to get pictures for your project and almost got caught <--now, that was scary), located on jackson to clark and lake. there you might stop at potbelly's, because your friend (who has no idea what he's about to get himself into) is hungry and you are quiet thirsty. while waiting for your friend to finish eating you are starting to get a little worried about time (being the time freak that you are), but relax and tell yourself, "it's only four. i have enough time." i mean you already at clark and lake, you know you are near, and your friend even reassures you with, "yeah, it's not like they close at 4:30."


so then you start walking with your laptop on one sholder (because you camera does not have a memory card and can only hold up to 22 pictures and you need to take more than that for your project) and you are trying not to aknowledge the pain of the new blisters on your heels from those dang shoes made in brazil that you got for oprah (no, nathan we didn't get anything...except AMAZING SEATS!! watch monday...i'll probably be on in the begining when she's walking out...heather, she touched my hand and if heaven has a scent it would be what oprah smells like). block after block the word crap that's resounding in the back of your head gets only louder or maybe it's your friends threat of, "Anya, I am going to hit you. Where are we? Why aren't I hitting you? Why haven't I hit you yet?" is getting louder when he realizes two things...one, that this is longer than he expected and two, though you seem like you know and you act like you know, you don't know where you are going... or maybe it's both. (here is a mini-tip: if you see lasalle and you think that means just a few blocks until you hit clinton...hahaha...you're wrong.)

after turning around to head back to state (twice) you might finally hit clinton (after you take into account the mini-tip i just gave you). so there you are at the corner and clinton and lake. there is an open parking lot on one corner. there is a parking garage on another corner. there is a torn down building on the other. and on the last corner of where lake and clinton intersect, there is NOT the CTA headquarters. this is when you might to start to become dilussional and start thinking that the el stop above you could be the headquarters. at this point you might just want to cry, but it might be better to save your tears for what might come next.

BECAUSE, next you somehow find the CTA HQ and think, "at last! how freaking long did it take us to get here!" but that happiness of actually finding the place is short lived, because that's when you decide to get in line (and with no line you just walk right up to the guy). this is when you explain your story and ask where you might go to get it fixed. then the guy might deliver the heartbreaking news. he will look at his watch and say, "hmm...well as of right now it is closed and you'll have to come back on monday." that is when you lose it (not in an angry way but in a complete state of unbelief, beweilderment of the fact that they actually close at four thirty) and your friend has to help you out of the building.

then, because you have no idea what to do or are in no state to decide how to get back you just start walking. all the while your friend is hating you and letting you know it...as in yelling at you in public. so from lake all the way back to jackson each block as you are getting closer to ending your circle around chicago, your friends anger only gets louder and stronger (and at union station he loses it, "I'M AT FREAKING UNION STATION, AN-YA! UNION. STATION.). but you are still in a state of such shock that it only makes you laugh, because well it is just THAT sad.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i jump out of the car and being full of nervous excited energy, i end up running up the driveway to the door. i knock. no answer. i wait. still no answer. i look through the windows surrounding the door and there he is looking back at me, with his hair the crazy way it always is. i almost cry; it's my vahid. he finally opens the door and i hug him and he says, "Hi, Heather," all noncholant. "HEATER!" my heart screams, "HEATHER'S NOT EVEN REAL, SHE'S JUST A FIGMENT!" But my mouth kindly lets out, "i'm not heather sillly!" he says, "oh. i know, i was just kidding [awkward pause as he tries to remember who i am but can't]." in that moment, if you were listening closely you would have heard it; the sound of my heart shattering. that name, that pause, it still tears at my heart. vahidy doesn't even know my name anymore.

--------------

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

and it's strange
they are basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse

Finally

!!OPRAH!!

(we're leaving in a few minutes, i'm so excited!)

Maybe it had something to do with walking together measuring the expressway, in the pouring rain, with our FEET

out of no where, dan (one of my architecture friends) stops cutting his cubes, turns to me and says, "Anya, can I call you onion?"

It was then that I asked myself, "how and why?"

After that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw.

An old man with no place to call his home, sits outside of Panera staring through the window. His eyes glance around the whole display and then they zero in. His eyes see what his stomach desires and right then a young man approches him and stops to talk to him. It's in this moment you see the beauty of the two as they talk about what the old man was looking at. The young man takes the time to talk and listen to an old man who, as it might seem, the rest of the world has forgotten. It's not long before the old man excitedly points at the window. And as the young man walks towards the store door to get this old man a cinniamon cruch bagel, one of the most beautiful, brightest smiles the world has seen* spreads across the old man's face.

I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel

I can love
But i need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him i never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

Bless the day he came to be
Angel's wings carried him to me
Heavenly
I can fly
But i want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But i crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel
My angel gabriel

(*excluded when Ms. Amia Allmart calls for her mama and her mama walks into the room, that my friends is THE world's most beautiful, brightest, biggest, bestest smile seen by the world, thus far)

you know you're in deep thought when...

you get off at clinton (riding on the blue line), thinking it's lasalle and you don't even realize it until you get to the top of the escalator. that's when you have to turn around and go back down (looking like an idiot) and wait for the full five minutes before another train comes.

today, really, has not been my day.

you know you are tired when...

the moment after you finish rinsing the shampoo out of your hair, you pause and think to yourself, "have i shampooed my hair yet?" then you spend the next several moments trying to convince yourself that you did.

oh, who am i kidding?

i'll just sit in the financial aids office all afternoon. it's a wednesday, why not?

it's official, beyond official, i love chicago. everytime i am forced to explore the city on my own (for sketches) i see another part of the city and all it has to offer.

and i love it.

i love walking around, i love imagining i live next to the MCA and going every tuesday to the farmers market for fresh fruit, veggies, home-made bread and gorgeous! flowers. then going for a run at the track behind the MCA...and so forth and so forth. the only thing that pulls me out of these daydreams while walking are the coffee shops. i see them and think, "and that's where i can read the paper and drink my coffee in the mornings--wait i don't drink coffee...(long paus, while thinking why i was thinking about drinking coffee at that cafe)...i don't live here." it's a rude, abrubt ending to my imaginings and at the same time a much needed one (i can get carried away, away). so i guess what i'm saying is that chicago is my kind of city and i see myself here for awhile (i don't know where else i'd go, but yeah).

woot-woot.

as for the crazyness that is my schedule, this week has been oh-so-much-better. not working on mondays have opened up much needed time to complete work and well, relax a wee-bit. but what still is frustrating is architecture. i feel that it is close to what i want to do, but not. ?? any ideas? ...anybody?

well, quite frankly i feel like i should take this moment to say how much i miss everybody these days...

first off i must say, suzanne and husayn: man, i miss you guys. yeah i know i live with you, but i never see you any more and it make me sad. i miss you guys (like seriously, for the split seconds i see you guys in the morning i just want to run up and give you guys big bear hugs, straight-up grandma lehman style).

katie and nathan: i can't wait until christmas break when we can sit on the couch at home and just laugh (at everybody..in a loving way) haha. i miss you guys SO much more than you know.

sara: oh sara, what can i say. when dad mentioned us moving to oak park together my first thought was, "oh that so is going to happen." and when the two travelers on the el remided me of two people on the amazing race i thought, "sara and i so need to do that. we would have fun, we would rock and america would love us (i mean look at us, really, how could they not?)" and when liza told me about your reaction to "the news" it sounded so like you, i could see you saying it facial expressions, hand movements and all. sara i miss you and your little (she has gotten skinny) too.

liza and brent: you live down the street, i see you as often as i eat a home-made meal (which is unhealthily few and far between). brent, i want to take you shopping. liza, i want you to come. think about it, we would have fun unlike the day that was full of all that is pathetic (even though we has a little fun that day...or as much fun as one can have on a day that was full of all that that is pathetic). oh, the servere PDA offenders came into p*nea the other day...oh that cute couple. yeah, i miss hanging out with you guys (and i'm still waiting for a happy hug!)

---sidenote: i kind of feel like i'm dying or something, but i'm not. i just miss you people----

family in b-town: i love you guys and just being home for 11 hours on saturday night was just what i needed. way to keep home, home. way to be and keep it up! i miss you guys and come decemeber i'll be home again.

luxions: we need to party, up in your house (blaring anastasia). i miss y'all!

and everyone else that i haven't seen in forever or laughed hard with in awhile or babysat in awhile...i miss you!

----------------------

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? it's too late for that
What have I become? truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

i could be "getting ahead" by reading articles for english.

i could be finishing two sections in math.

i could be starting my project for architecture.

i could be...oh crap...i should be figuring out financial aid.

(and i really wanted to post a real post for once, it's been so long. apologizes)

---------------

Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

Could it be?

My first paper since my term paper written over a year ago.

Boy. English 160, let me tell you...

nothing.

If I Were a Male, I could be One Heck of a Baller

“Sexist pigs,” I remember mumbling to myself when I was denied to play knock out with a group of boys during recess in middle school. Just because I was a girl they would not let me play with them. If only I had been a boy they would have let me join, but I was a girl and was automatically thought of as a weak player. This always infuriated me, because how was I ever suppose to get better or learn more about the game when I was always denied the chance to play? If I had been born a male, I would have been given the chance to play. If I had been born a male, I could have been one heck of a baller.

First off, let me explain what happened that day in middle school during recess. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I saw a few people lining up to play knock out. Knock out was (and still is) one of my favorite basketball games, plus it was very seldom played at recess. Due to this fact, it was very rare that I got to play this game I so enjoyed. When I saw people rounding up to play I ran and got my two other friends, Elisa and Heather, to come with me to go play. We then, all together, ran to get into line. So there we were waiting in line, waiting for our turn when one of the boys behind us started getting impatient waiting for his turn. He started with a, “there are too many people!” Then when no one paid attention to him or dropped out he decided to pick on people who he knew he could get kicked out of line; us, the girls. “Hey!” he yelled at us, “you guys leave. There are too many people playing!” We first glanced at each other and then turned around and gave him “are you kidding me” looks. He then got the rest of his friends (the other boys that were in line behind us) to gang up against us and peer pressure us out of line. They then got a hold of the ball and threatened not to play until we got out of line. “Why?” I demanded after told of their threat. They said that there were too many people. This made me even angrier. First off, there are never too many people to play knock out. There is simply no limit to the amount of people who can play. The other reason this made me mad was that even if there were too many people to play (which isn’t possible with knock out) why did we have to leave when we got into line before all the boys standing in line behind us? To be fair, if there were too many people shouldn’t the people who were at the end of the line get kicked out of the game, too? There was nothing my friends or I could do. We were three girls up against eight boys who were all joined with one purpose in mind. We gave up and left the line bitterly.

One can see that if I or my friends had been boys there would have been no problem. If people had been complaining about too many people, then the people who would have been kicked out of line would have been the people at the end of the line and not the three girls in the middle of the line. I would have been able to play that day at recess had I been a boy. The other boys would have let me play with no issues, with no groups of boys demanding that I leave. After I was allowed to play they would have seen my talent and would have invited me to play a game after school. The knock out games after school would have turned into small pick-up games, where I would have developed the street finesse one needs to become a basketball player that has that unique talent it takes to get noticed. If I had been born a boy it would have been more socially accepted to play basketball and that would have given me a better chance at exercising my interest to the fullest.

Now just imagine what my life would if I were a boy and was given the chance to explore my interests all the way. I could have been the next Kobe (minus the sex scandal), Shaq (minus the size), or Michael Jordan (minus the whole sticking out the tongue thing). I could have gotten a full ride to college, saving my parents the financial dept that involves getting a higher education. I could have been the Final Four MVP my junior and senior year, which most likely could have made me the first draft pick for the NBA. Nike, Gatorade, Wheaties and every other company could be calling me at all hours of the day throwing me unheard of contracts. This all could have been my future if I had come out (which, oddly enough, my doctor swore I would) a boy. One just never knows. If our society did not have so many gender standards, if it where so completely different then it stands now, I may have had been able to become a great basketball player, respected and known by all by being just the way I am. As our society still is the way it is, seeing girls as weak and unfit for male dominated sports, and me being a girl this could never (well at least as close to never as one can get) happen. For a girl to receive that amount of fame she would have to break through all the barriers that our society has made between the female and male athletes and that would take a lot work and chances are she wouldn’t even get recognized for all that work. Being born a boy would have given me the chance to develop my skills to their fullest potential, but being a girl prevents me from achieving that type of success as easily.

One can see that my life could have been completely different, if I had been born a boy. Or in other words, if we weren’t not forced into these gender roles that our society places so strongly on us, my life could have been different. I would never have been unfairly turned away from a game of knock out during recess. I would have had a chance to explore my interests and develop my talents to their fullest potential. All these things were deprived from me, just because I was born a girl.

Above me reads a sign, ''Use this computer for library resourses only!''

Psh, i roll my eyes at you UIC computer hidden on the the third floor of the library (whose both shift keys are broken). i roll my eyes at you.

these past three weeks have been complete crazyiness.

crazyiness : spending every second of your day either in class, doing homework, planning projects, brainstorming for papers, mapping out when you will get it all done or working, ect.

every second : the ten minutes between classes, the daily hour break between classes, waiting for the el, riding the el, walking from the el to work, half hour break at work, the hour of preparation for the next day before going to bed, and the endless hours spend tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep but unable to sleep due to so many thoughts spinning through me head (saying i'm tired right now is an understatement, i'm beyond tired that i can't sleep no matter how badly i'm craving the peace).

today on the el i noticed myself wishing i were the other people i saw around me. i wish i were going to a 9 to 5 job, where i knew what work had to be done and when it would be done. i wish i was wearing a skirt with cute shoes and nicely done hair. i wish i wasn't so tired from staying up every night working on projects and had time in the morning to shave my legs, attempt to style my hair, and put on make-up. i wish i had the freedom to go home this weekend or have no plans and could just read at the lake all day. i wish that there was someone i knew sitting next to me who i could rest my head on their shoulder. i wish i had a known break where i didn't have to do anything for two days without being screwed. that's how the thinking started and it ended with me thinking simply, ''i wish i were them.'' and that's when i stopped myself. if by wishing i were them it felt as though i was ungrateful for what i do have. the people who love me, friends and family, the experiencances i have had, the things i've gone through, all that and more felt forgotten in my mind while wishing i were these strangers i saw for no more than 25 minutes. which made me ponder, what is it inside me that lets me easily forget these blessings?

i wish i could turn it off (it being what ever it is) and just start fully appreciating what i have. then i could really experiance that in which i am experiancing and stop wasting my time blind siding myself wishing and hoping things were this way or that.

BAHHH!
i'm so not going to proof read. i'm going to bed NOw.

-------------------

There she stands
A girl before you

Changed, unchanged
What does it matter?

She should be treated the same
With kindness and respect
Not frustrationg and annoyance

When?

Did she get in your way
Offend you by what she may or may not say?

Keep pushing her away
Leave her out, let her in
Let her in, Leave her out
Keep your ever vararing distances
Do as you please

She is just a girl
That stands before you

Don't bother trying to call me on Sept. 7th at 11:00...

BECAUSE I'LL BE ON THE CORNER OF CARPENTER AND WASHINGTON WAITING IN LINE TO GET INTO HARPO STUDIOS!

!!!
I JUST GOT RESERVATIONS FOR OPRAH!!

(and i just broke into my apartment ...today is just full of excitement)