home visits

so as we reside in tempe, az for the week we are going around doing musical home visits. (home visits: trips to peoples homes to build stronger relationships; usually share some prayers/have devotions, deepen/talk about spiritual reality and the baha'i faith, or pretty much whatever people want to do with a goal of being of service to each other). yesterday we made our way to an apartment complex and knocked on the door of a man who recently declared. at the first knock no one answered. after the second a dazed man opened the door and then quickly ran back to his chair. our friend, who had visit the man before, walked in to talk to him. the man broke down in tears and eventually asked the rest of us to come in to say prayers. so the five us walked in and we all sat down. you could tell the man was in bad shape; he was alone in his dark apartment and seemed to not have had the chance to shower in days. before we started our devotions we asked him if there was anything specific in his life that he wanted us to pray for. he mumbled, "yes, my job." we started our prayers and we sang for an hour and a half. between our songs i silently prayed that he would let his spirit guides to come and help him, almost instantaneously i sensed all those who were helping him in the apartment and that apartment was packed man. in particular, i could tell that his mom was right there with him. i thought i was just visualizing and making this all up in my head, but once the devotions were over he opened up his heart and shared with us all that he is going through. his mom, he said, who he was very close to died two years ago and that he missed her so much that it became a physical pain. i told him that she is always with him in spirit, and he said, "yes, sometimes at night i see her." he went on to tell us he has been battling with depression (he was recently in the hospital for back pain and in turn, i believe, his job is in jeopardy and on top of it all he has seven siblings but no one comes to check up on him and it leaves him feeling absolutely alone). we found out that before we came he was going to go out and buy alcohol with his rent money and then come home and take all the pills he got from the hospital. instead, he said, he prayed to God and asked for help and he was very thankful when we showed up, because we are the only people that visit him. we sat there and we listened and we helped him find hope to live. the only thing that brightened his face was his nieces and nephews. "they need me," he said, "they are the ones that love me." it is love that gives us hope, it is love that gives us faith, and it is love that is God.

"Know thou of a certainty that Love is the secret of God's holy Dispensation, the manifestation of the All-Merciful, the fountain of spiritual outpourings. Love is heaven's kindly light, the Holy Spirit's eternal breath that vivifieth the human soul. Love is the cause of God's revelation unto man, the vital bond inherent, in accordance withe divine creation, in the realities of things. Love is the one means that ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next. Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that sureth the progress of every illumined soul. Love is the most great law that ruleth this might and heavenly cycle, the unique power that bindeth together the divers elements of this material world, the supreme magnetic force that directeth the movements of the spheres in the celestial realms. Love revealeth with unfailing and limitless power the mysteries latent in the universe. Love is the spirit of life unto the adorned body of mankind, the establisher of true civilization in this mortal world, and the shedder of imperishable glory upon every high-aiming race and nation." -Baha'i Writings

(loving is what it is all about.)

and we're off

jessica, katy and i are off (while okay, katy in a week) for our summer service trip. think musical devotionals and youth night firesides, add a car, and cities such as phoenix, flagstaff, tuscon, portland, seattle and a bunch of stops in between. right now we are enjoying (and i am surprisingly loving) overland park, ks. getting a last minute play date with erin was wonderful and the amazing johnson family has hooked us up with places to stay in east kansas AND denver. next stop: hays, kansas! (via the backroads).

i want to yell this to the whole world

not every sign is for you to figure out. not every happening is yours to understand or even know. what will be will! be! yet, if you still find yourself wanting to know (or even an over zealous need to know) think of your worst fear, give it a hug, and then let it go.

i watch ugly betty

and can i just say: Gio!!!




(he makes me happy)

Recipe:

combine the lyrics of ani difranco's "Bouquet" with a part of an old relationship unexpressed, a boy's confession of his sole desire to raise a reaction, a girl looking for just one piece of a long lost puzzle, a long ride home on the "el".

mix ingredients together, watch patiently as the words fall into place, enjoy and you might find yourself published in the 2008 edition of In Other Words.

yay for poetry! (and double yay for possible, unexpected income.)

opps, my bad.

anybody wanna a pair of shoes?



















after a weird moment in the car i turned left and ended up at DSW wear i found these delicious purple shoes (picture below...70 freaking percent off!). in all honesty i shouldn't have bought them because well, i no longer work at the buck of stars and thus only have money for food. but my feet have been seriously abused and when i put on the purple goddesses my feet glowed of happiness, so in a way i had to get them.





anyways, as it happened to turn out i also found a pair of brown all-star converse for 70 freaking percent off only to realize that they were a size 10 in men's after i had already stitched on them. so i'm giving them away. anybody want? they are a size 10 in men's (that converts to an 11 in women's) and if you like the stitching i would love to add more, but if not that's cool too. i just want to find someone to give them to. don't forget that Naw-Ruz (the Baha'i new year) is on friday. they could make a nifty gift....

Proposal

the definition, by what we mean when we say society

comes from the generalization we see from the lives

portrayed on t.v.

but what’s really going on in our society?

I see mothers driven to insanity

overwhelmed by their responsibilities

left upon them from a lack of community

i see children turning to drugs

to escape the pain of our

fucked up reality

I see the rage of the

“Right of the Individual”

messing with our nobility

can’t you see?

“We are flowers of one garden,

Leaves of one tree,

Waves of one ocean” *

the human body is our

community and our cancer

is our society

we are dying forgetting our own equality.

so come with me, stand up

take hold of your identity,

become a conscious member of humanity

and help me

i’ll bring what i see, and

you bring what you see and

together let’s change our reality.

together, let’s redefine our society.

*quote taken from the Writings of Baha’u’llah.

leap this year

all the wintery-fullness has hit me full force and i'm tested on average three times a week to my baby bear instincts to crawl into a hole and sleep until sunshine and all it's warmth wakes me again. if it weren't for the lack of universal health care i'd seriously considering dropping all of my classes and moving to where ever warmth lives. wow, i think the reality of that thought just caught up to me and has me shaking from the weight of the honesty behind it.

dang heath care.

dang student loans.

dang fears.


yet, in the back of my mind i can't help but laughing... the Fast has such perfect timing.

muddled thoughts

many levels we don't see, blinded by dichotomies. separating with walls built off fears and other false necessities. what happened to our faith and our vision that we are one family? what caused us to utterly forget our purpose or lead us to give up searching what we are made to be?

O SON OF SPIRIT!
I created thee rich, why dost thou bring thyself down to poverty? Noble I made thee, wherewith dost thou abase thyself? Out of the essence of knowledge I gave thee being, why seekest thou enlightenment from anyone beside Me? Out of the clay of love I molded thee, how dost thou busy thyself with another? Turn thy sight unto thyself, that thou mayest find Me standing within thee, mighty, powerful and self-subsisting.

-Bahá'u'lláh

has anyone heard "New Soul" by Yael Naïm? it plays on the new apple commercial, and i'm pretty much in love with the song...i kinda feel like i wrote it.

i have a friend named anna

her voice takes my heart places and sends vibrations
through my soul.

(i hope you don't mind i put this up anna joon!)

Connections

first off, i am alive! surprise! second, not only am i alive i do have a blog that i post on...possibly not often but it's here and believe it or not i know it's here. and now, onto what got me to actually post something. on friday, my mom and i headed up to the north shore for grandparent and special friends day at amia's montesorri school. as i watched her explore whatever she felt like exploring i thought to myself, "man! i wish i got to go to a montessori school." i had this feeling that if i had i'd would have been a lot happier with my education and not so caught up in societal standards of who i should be. but then after/while going through and clearing connections, loyalties and fears of burdens i carried for other people, feelings i had about school, emotions i have with finances, shyness, my self-consiousness, and a poisonous idea of relationships (a lot of heavy stuff i've been holding onto) the idea hit me, "i still can have a montesorri education; i can explore anything that i want to explore!" and ever since then possible situations and opportunities have been falling into my lap. and really these opportunities have always been there, i just wasn't able to see them in the realm of an actual option for me. it's like suddenly i see these things as conformations to guide me and what a beautiful way to see!

here are a few explorations that i have come upon recently (where there are so many connection to the connections that i feel like i have to follow up on them):

1) printmaking

2) travel around china for the summer or maybe just visit hong kong (though, this exploration is dwindling with thoughts of fear..i'm still looking into it)

3) and upon looking at photos taken by my grandpa from puerto rico (like the one above...it's a six legged ox!!) i'm pretty certain that someday i'm going to have to make my way down south, where life seems to run in more simple manner.

yay, for change! and hooray for feeling very happy and very free!

Let me poll you...

so one of my projects for my online class on the history of photography class is the ask people five random questions about photography. i am very happy that they get to be random, for i like randomness and it makes it much more fun for me! i have decided to poll you, dear reader and here are my questions for you, answer away!

1) do you prefer to take pictures of people, places or things?

2) would you rather take photos digitally or the old way with film?

3) which would you prefer: looking at pictures in a museum or flickr?

4) do you agree, that this is one of the most beautifully gorgeous pictures you have seen in a long time?

5) do you hold your breath while taken pictures, secretly believing the old myth (or so they say) that pictures take a bit of your soul away?

working on

let the focus shift. let the view change. see the world differently, on a whole 'nother plane. let go what you know and let the new come in. see things the way they are and not the same old, same old thing. the only thing constant in this world is change, so let. it. on. in!

what i like about me

1) i like to hold you tight; up, down, jump around and make you feel all right
2) i like my killer sense of direction; i don't know what it is but i know how to get places
3) i like that i'm an observer of the world. i love the way everything is so interconnected and the interactions between people, colors, designs, pattern and everything...i love it all!
4) i like that i come from a big family and that i have sisters who marry awesome fella's and have me some amazing nieces
5) i like that i like to really listen to people and what's going on in their lives and help them out...i love, love, love stories about other people's lives.
6) i like that i adapt easily to situations and surroundings, it makes me flexible and able to enjoy everything and everyone around me...and life in general
7) i like that i'm open minded and have the strength to believe in what i find to be true
8) i like that i'm engaged.
9) i like that people constantly make me laugh (especially people who are just themselves, they make me so happy i easily fall in love with them) i also like that i fall in love with people for who they are.
10) i like that i'm a stinker and that i've confused everyone with #8...i wish i could have seen you're reactions.

so some of you awsomelicious people have already been tagged, but have yet to post, so i shall tag you again...anna
, katy, nathan, jessica,and the n-trizzle

IF ONLY I WOULD LET THEM!!!

He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

apparently, i'm all about not letting people help me and i'm not exactly sure why. when i called my sister katie, she left me speechless my answering, "Whatdaya mean you won't let anyone help you!?" then this morning my mom walked in said, "look anya, here is a book for you." it was called My Father's Angels and the Psalm from above was in the front cover. Though, it is not at all funny that i'm not letting people help me, i think it is quite funny that i have become (or at least i think i have) just as frustrated at myself as those who are trying to help me are.

gosh, darn it anya! get it together!

summer project

my all-star canvas'before and after:







by 12:00 p.m. on monday, my summer will be officially over. geet-street and i made a plan at the beginning of the summer to spend our time beefing up our portfolios. i only thought of and worked on one project. what happened to me this summer? i'm not quite sure. will i return? God willing.

hey, J-face...you got some windex i can borrow?

this morning i read about how "your thoughts are your reality."

today i caught a thought and decided to test it. quick! i dug into my pockets and pulled out my mirror. determined to find the truth, i started searching. looking, i only saw my reflection. it wasn't until the dawn broke through, that it finally jumped out at me. at first i burst into tears and cried out (looking to blame), "look at the pain you have inflicted upon me!" two shallow gasps of air, i then cried out again (finding the blame), "look how much i let you grow!" defeated, i looked back. five years! i've weaved it's veil. five years and my tear ducts are left dry; for my ego has had it's way with me.



(prayers for clear perspective, please.)

since when did people not stick to the harry potter oath!?

dear passengers of the 12:56 train from chicago to elburn,

let me introduce you to the little thing known as the harry potter oath (aka common decency). first off, this being the seventh and LAST book i was under the impression that this is a well-known oath and that people (especially the fanatics, like people who traveled all the way to oak park to buy their book, for example) stuck to. but, unfortunately, for me, you are unaware of it. anyways in hopes to save others the same pain you put me through tonight, the oath is as follows: unless consent is given by all within ear-shot and you are in a locked room or such an isolated area that there is no chance anyone will walk in on your conversation, under no circumstances are you to talk about the book. it's a bit tricky, i know, so let me break it down for you: "talk about the book" includes talking in broken sentences or one word sentences, openingly reacting to something you have just read, which invites the following conversation:

friend un:"ohhh, what part did you read?"

idiot who openingly reacted: "the thing that happens on page ____? AND THEN SOME REALLY OBVIOUS CRYPTIC-PLOT-GIVING-WORDS!"

the slytherin-sorted friend who thinks she knows it all: "SAYS STRAIGHT OUT WHAT HER FRIENDS WERE TRYING NOT TO SAY STRAIGHT OUT AND GIVES PERMISSION TO TALK OPENLY ABOUT THE SUBJECT...INCLUDING FURTHER OPINIONS AND THOUGHTS!!!"

...making any facial movement, hand gestures, OR eye movement when you hear people talking about the book (until consent has cleared the area)and obsoletely no reading the book out loud in public (especially, when it's a public place no one can get away...like a train, for example). so you see, it is quite simple: just don't talk about it!

much love,

the girl who you upset so much i am still up at 3:00

p.s. i mean, come on, really, did you have to say it?

i find myself in kansas (but not)

i ran tonight. just me, the stars, the crisp noveremberish air, and a few too little cares. i ran looking for my sitting rocks that hide in front of the ocean. all i found were railroad tracks, pretty homes, and a whole lot of choked-back emotion. this is the place (that takes some re-adjusting), this is the time (that the soul starts trusting).

reflecting

so i've been thinking about this "unknown" upcoming year. suddenly, i find myself violently pulled out of the city and placed gently in the suburbs. it was as though the moment i began to adjust and gather comfort with my surroundings in the city, i was thrown out to the other universe known as the burbs. a universe where going to do your laundry doesn't involve locked doors or quarters (hollar!)and also a universe where putting a push pin, let alone a nail, in the wall is a huge no-no (grr!).

i have to admit, with so much movement (or traveling or whatever it is) in my life recently, i didn't really prepare myself (other than my physical self) for this move. i found myself in a panic feeling very direction-less and worried. so much so, i even called julie walker to set up another appointment. but as i allow myself to think about taking this time off...i finally feel the calm of this year and am starting to get excited. hopefully, i will remain focused, i will not seek the familiar and i will let myself grow.

funny, now that i think about the dream i had two weeks ago (what is going on with all these dreams i'm having!?!)...i was pregnant and really scared. the baby was all violent kicking and punching inside me, almost as though it was trying prey itself out through my belly. and it wasn't until i talked to my mom and dad did i feel better about having the baby and that the baby calmed down (but man, could that baby throw a punch!). it wasn't until tonight, after i talked to my parents (who were telling me about all the youth and young adult retreats that they use to have at their house and all the activities they were involved in with the community) that i felt inspired, started to really think about what i'm going to do this year and felt better about it.

Guess what?

iSight is the best thing ever. and do you know why iSight is the best thing ever? today, i saw my dear elsa zadi in motion (and her pre-smile face) via iSight. iSight is amazing and i thought the world should know. but considering that 94% of the people that read this blog were with me, watching elsa sleep in her mama's arms, via iSight, i guess i just thought that the 6% of should know: iSight is my new favorite. that is all.

ELSA IS ON HER WAY!!!

two week or sooner!

ahhh!!

ekk!!

ahhh!!!!

treasure found

one night last week, while in the 'burbs to help out my dad while my mom was in haifa, sleep and i started fighting...

ME: but it's time for me to sleep! i want to sleepppp!
SLEEP: i don't care, i don't want to help you right now.
ME: gosh.

so i got up and looked around for a book to read. at first i went on a mad hunt for the first harry potter, with the next book coming out soon (thank goodness) i thought it a wise choice. i didn't find it. what i did find however, was this really old, pretty looking book (i judge books by their covers). intrigued i opened it up to find the picture to the left. the book was apart of my grandpa lehman's collection. i figured that if he put that stamp within this book, he must have liked it or at the very least read it. and due to the fact that his alzheimer's had hit full-swing by the time i came around, this book (or at least how i like to look at it) is a way for me to get to know my grandpa. i became even more excited when i flipped through the book to find that he had marked some of the short stories and poems, which in my mind means that these are the passages that stood out and spoke to him, or just made him think a little deeper upon a subject. the following poem he has marked at the beginning and at the end, which to me reads he liked it aLOT. and after reading it i felt like i'm getting a chance to know who he was:

THE NEEDLE

The gay belles of fashion may boast of excelling

In walzt or cotillon , at whist or quadrill;
And see admiration by vauntingly telling
Of drawing, and painting, and musical skill:
But give me the fair one, in country or city,
Whose home and its duties are dear to her heart,
Who cheerfully warbles some rustical ditty,
While plying the needle with exquisite art:
The bright little needle, the swift-flying needle,
The needle directed by beauty and art.

If Love have a potent, a magical token,
A talisman, ever resistless and true,
A charm that is never evaded or broken,
A witchery certain the heart to subdue,
'T is this; and his armory never has furnished
So keen and unerring, or polished a dart;
Let beauty direct it, so polished and burnished,
And oh! it is certain of touching the heart:
The bright little needle, the swift-flying needle,
The needle directed by beauty and art.

Be wise, then, ye maidens, nor seek admiration,
By dressing for conquest, and flirting with all;
You never, whatev'e be your fortune or station,
Appear half so lovely at rout or at ball,
As gayly convened at the work-covered table,
Each cheerfully active, playing her part,
Beguiling the task with a song or a fable,
And plying the needle with exquisite art:
The bright little needle, then swift-flying needle.
The needle directed by beauty and art.

-Samuel Woodworth

p.s. my grandma was a quilter

tag. you're it. go directly to jail. do not collect $200.

the rules of this tag game: each person tagged gives seven random facts about themselves, and then tags seven people to do the same. thanks, heather.

1.) sometimes the only thing that can get me out of bed in the morning is the outfit i put together in my head while laying in bed trying to decide if i should get up or go back to sleep.

2.) two days after each time i post, i tell myself i will never blog again.

3.) nothing bugs/irritates me more than when people chomp their gum in a way that i can hear the saliva between the gum and their teeth with each chew. gum should be chewed, not heard!

4.) in kindergarten when our teacher told us it was spelling time, i would go to the bathroom and count to one hundred hoping that by the time i came out the lesson would be over.

5.) if you call on me to say something (talk, give an answer, give my opinion...etc.) out of no where-- for example if you pick me out of a group and say, "What do you think anya?" i will reply, "I think you should never do that to me again."

6.) my ideal day would start with three shots of orange juice.

7.) i beat up a boy named brad when i was in seventh grade and even though the bus driver witnessed it, along with the vice principle and my eight grade basketball coach, no one tried to stop me or talked to me afterwards. actually, no one ever mentioned it except one girl who came up to me during lunch to say, "that was awesome!"*

*mention this to my mother and i will do the same thing to you!

happy birthday katie!!

the peaks of being a tia

things are a changing for the better, this year will be hard but i know in the end i'll find a school i like at a price my liver and scoliosis will be able to handle. this year i will learn how to be patient and it will all be okay. positivity is flowing through me again, and the cause? after months of holding out, elsa gave me (not one but two!) HUGE kicks. oh, elsa joon, you sure know how to teach this tia lessons!

happy birthday mom! i miss you tons and tons!

words! i am no good with words, i am no good with power.

i feel like i'm becoming a new person each day. each day a new layer is peeled as i'm making my way down to my core. and i'm re-learning how to think and learning how to make what is in my heart apart of this physical world. i'm learning my strength and learning my place. it's hard and tiring, and sometimes i feel selfish; i don't know where to step, which way to go, or on which beat to clap. so unclear the future has become. i want someone to take me by the hand and show me where to go and how to serve, but these things i'm learning i have to find on my own. a rapid growth is within me and if it ended in a eruption of a scream it would send ripples through the ocean.

ALANIS MORISSETTE! ALANIS MORISSETTE!

i think for this, i might love her forever.

don't you want me baby, don't you want ohhhhohohhhh

so guess what human league? university of michigan does want some of this! what!?? that's right. i'm starting this post with a little bit of old news. well, only two days old but after the misery of a day i had today it feels like months ago or just an excitement that lasted two point thirty four seconds.

this is my day: at sometime between 4:15 and 6:04 this morning i had a dream. the moment i realized what i was dreaming was a dream i pulled myself awake so fast--i can't even tell you. i yelled, "no, no, no, no, no!" and sank into sadness while revisiting the deep emotions i had experienced during the dream. it wasn't that the dream was sad, it was quite happy and wonderful, it was just---well, i don't think i can ever explain it to anyone. it just was what it was and in the end made me disappointed in my subconscious. stupid subconscious what do you think you are doing? ugh.

so from 6:04 to 8:50 i flipped and flopped trying to forget the dream, to forget the warm and perfectly right feeling i had before i realized it was a dream. (do people have those moments in real life? where things are per.fect.ly. right?...creepily great feeling, no?) anyways trying to use my escape (sleep) to escape that dream lead me to sleeping wayyy in, causing a decision to be made; eat breakfast or make lunch? i ate the breakfast, not thinking twice about how i don't have money to spend on five dollar lunches.

after my morning class i ran to the computer lab to look up numbers for u of m and ran into dan (yeah, dan!). he was tan and we then realized we hadn't seen each other for two weeks and then we got sad because that is what is going to be like when i leave. i checked u of m's transfer scholarships and found out that it is due tomorrow. panic mode set in quick (really quick, because at this point i was still shaking from the dream). i then proceeded to call them to find out about my options for next year. due to financial restraints, i might have to delay school for a year... so i call to figure out my options. i ask if they have one year deferments; they don't. i ask how long do i have to work/live in michigan to get in-state tuition; i can't until i'm 24. it was then i realized that there was no place to hide and call someone to cry and that i thought to myself, "this [as in uic] campus stinks, no wonder no one is happy here."

i moped up the stairs to my next class acting happy while stress eating pretzel rods...i was so hungry i ended up eating half the bag. after class, after the effect of having two options slam in my face settled in for four hours, i saw geet-street* for the first time in five days. internally, i wanted to hug her and just start crying. externally, i got all wide-eyed and happy, ran over to her and pinched her cheek and said, "she does exist!" and then i broke down with a "today is the worst day ever...it started with a dream and then i can't afford to go to u of m." like the amazing feat that she is she said, "no. anya, this is what you are going to do. take a year off. re-apply, make their feb. financial aid deadline, and work on stuff to add to your sweet portfolio. i'm pretty close to taking next year off, too. it's fine. okay, i have to go finish this and i'll see you in 25 hours. it's fine, it's going to be all right."

and with that geet gave me hope and i started to relax (a very tiny bit, i'm still feeling sick and dizzy...money does that to me...my poor liver). i went back down to the computer lab and started looking up scholarships and doing what i can do until the may 1st deadline when i have to send in my non-refundable $200 acceptance deposit. can i just say, i am so sick of time. i feel like i just missed everything falling into place easily by a month or two. actually, right now taking a year off sounds very calming. but i'm still pretty sick of time.

i'm feeling pretty weird right now. i just came back from ruhi study circle ("Arising to Serve") and i can feel my spirit empowered. i walked into the study circle determined to forget about money and to focus bring the energy from this past weekend to the group. i felt like it worked and felt a lot happier than i have felt while since being in chicago...it feels like a semester since i have genially laughed and was happy.

here's to long pointless, not thought-out post and the human league!

yay!

*this girl is so amazing, i can't help but be attached.

felicity; as in the most recent episode of lost.

dear katie,

felicity.

what show are you watching?

double gosh (because your my sister and you should know better),
anya

geeez

dear j.j. abrams,

are you kidding me?

gosh,
anya

the afternoon that was

my eyes have widened, with a heighten sense of awareness. trying to look beyond my first thoughts, looking beyond myself. searching to find something in a crowded train. looking deeper within the motions around me, turning off the noise and seeing in silence. in everything, everyone something to be found. taken aback, pulling away from the interaction, i let these illusions try to define me. what is it that i see, how do i perceive?

an overwhelming reaction to just sit and observe the world came over me today. i played with fully listening to this "inner-voice" or whatever it was and was tempted to plop down on a corner and to take in the world. my thoughts are scattered and i'm constantly in deep thought, but not the deep thought that's drawing any conclusions or even full thoughts. it's like my head has gone into automatic searching mode, but i'm not sure what exactly what it's searching for. i'm feeling very detached from it all. the good detached, the unconstrained type of detachment.

i gotta learn sometime

this semester is taking a lot out of me, and pretty much everyone i know. school has become this mundane, slow as molasses thing. very painful for all involved, or at least those of us at UIC...or at least just my group of friends. anyways, i try to look to the future, where this is all taking me. but i look and i look and i vaguely see what is there. where will i be...still in chicago, marquette, ann arbor, urbana...batavia? i'm finding it hard to adapt to not knowing, not being able to place myself in a familiar setting. if i go to one of these places, even if i stay here, where/who will i live with, how will i pay for it, how will i move there?

so i don't know all that, okay (in theory...my stomach and head spin when i think about it). so i can't work on the practicals. that leaves me to work on my self and knowing my self. i guess what i'd call it is internal purging. since the beginning of this semester i've felt lost and confused to where i find myself (sinus infections really take a toll when you let them attack you for two weeks). i start off by looking at what i want in the future and once i decide on one thing (little by little), i sit back and ask myself, "now what do i need to do now in order to be ready for that?" and then i work on it. the time to do this feels right (during the fast, right before the baha'i new year, etc.) and it's been awhile since something has felt just right.

i love the fast, it makes me feel still.


Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you

overheard

there is this a group of friends in my photography class that tend to talk really loud to each other, particularly in the dark room. they make fun of each other constantly, and it gets annoying real quick. but on the rare occasions (okay today was the only time), they make me laugh.

tom 1: "he might as well just log off the thing if he's going to idle for six hours." (chuckling making fun of a friend)
tom 2 (walking up the conversation): "he was idle?"
tom 1: "you don't know what that means? i thought you knew everything about computers!"
tom 2: "yeah, i make movies. i don't sit around idling shit."

the delivery of that last line...it was good.

i write this with a bloody nose

after a long, long, LONG week of being sick and too far from my mama i be going home. (imagine my scratchy voice trying to scream yay! or perhaps a double yay!..it shouldn't be hard because if i tried to nothing would come out) i'm going home people and it feels so good to say so. this morning i thought i was going through a mental breakdown and then i finally decided to skip class (again. i'm not doing so hot on attendance this semester) tomorrow and go! home! once that decision was made my mind, at long last, settled. in other good news, i saw julie w. this week and she told me to leave uic!!!!!! when she told me i was so delighted and excited i could have thrown down the one twenty five on the table, said, "thank you" and left happy beyond happily satisfied.


searching for answers
in places i know they won't be
hoping beyond wishing
you will make it easy
and walk up
and give into me

A Poem from my free-style heroine, Maya

a conceit

give me your hand

make room for me
to lead and follow
you
beyond this rage of poetry.

let others have
the privacy
of touching words
and love of loss
of love.

for me
give me your hand.

oh baby sparrow, maybe it's too late

there is a big bay window across the street. on the weekends and on the rare 11 o'clock occassions a yellow lab basks in the sunlight while effortlessly chewing on it's bone.

i wish it were sunday morning, i wish i were that dog.

classes started a week ago and i'm finding it hard to care about them. "care" in the way of having high anxiety about them. for example, my first photo project is due tomorrow and i'm finding it hard to see if my pictures are all clear and in focus. but i don't seem to mind if they turn out badly, if the lighting is way off, if i'll get them developed in time, or if i loaded the film right. i have a strong attitude of "it's okay, it's just a learning experiance" so i'm relaxed and enjoying messing around. how will i learn if i don't make mistakes? (oh lord, i hope this mentality sticks around)

i find myself more and more interested in industrial design. i'm enrolled in the intro. class and it's starting off slowly and holding me in great anticipation. i hate moments of anticipation, they make me feel uneasy and nauseated. "TELL ME, i just want to know! are you the career for me?!" i've started to read about it daily and i just want more. but like each time i start to fall in love, i'm terrified of the disappointment that the anticipation can bring. so. very. scared.

a birthday made.

it might not have snowed for or by my birthday, but all was forgiven and forgotten when i got a birthday e-mail from my merkels and this picture was tagged to it. i miss my kids so much.

so true.

come monday i will be 21. after this last week spent in columbus, i feel older and...stiller? i feel like i'm going to own this age i'm turning. up until this last week i've been stuck at 18.5 (a toss between the ages 18 and 19). i wonder if that means anything. mmahh, probably not.

what made me feel old after columbus? a new layer of understanding in the area of tests. tests not only allow one to grow, but also show you how much you have grown...or in my case that i have grown at all. though the test i was granted could be considered extremely tiny for most, it was huge for me. and to learn that i am growing, well, booyah-hooray! i have the capacity to grow!

p.s. click on the title of this post

promise made

movies from my film class (by far the best class i had this semester)...


love one (music by common market, pieces of footage from "the scare mitch project" by suzanne)


the animal parade (in-film editing project)


tia anya has a movie for you! (as seen on husayn's blogger)


comfort (artist piece)



dance party! (that's what i'm talking about...music by taliman)

typical

so assignment #35 isn't showing up so i'm going to take some brotherly-in-law advice and post it myself. i also noticed that one might not know what my poster says in assingment #10, so i whipped up this diagram in photoshop...hopefully it reads more clearly.


Assignment #35 "Going Anya on ya"

Brent says:

In the morning, Anya, like many, lies in bed. She does so, however,  in a
particularly idiomatic style which... SAYS something. ABOUT something.
Anya's modus operandi is to lie in the carnage of a nightlong battle
recently lost, the victorious entangling bed sheets flung to and fro over
their newly won domain. She lies still, but in a dynamic pose, with
half-closed eyelids, in order to better stay in the bitter, green twilight
between boringly realistic dreams and exotic, dangerous waking life. Then
she gets up. She rubs both of her eyelids with both of her hands; the right
hand rubs counterclockwise, while the left rubs clockwise. Then she
stretches, gets up, and gets cereal. Apple Jacks. The rest of her day is
pretty boring.

...or...

Anya's first activity upon waking is to mentally calalouge which
activities she is going to do. This happens while she lies half-awake, while
she gets ready, and while she is in transit. Next, she walks 3 blocks to the
"L" train. She nearly always arrives one full minute before the train does.
Oddly enough, no matter what the day, she always takes the same train at the
same time in the same direction. She might go either to the laundromat, to
class, to the grocery store, or a cafe. She is normally back at her
apartment by 4:00 pm and then settles down to dinner and conversation with
her roomates. She watches whatever the favorite show of the roomate is,
talking through the commercials. She goes to bed by 10:30. Rinse. Lather.
Repeat.

Katie says:

I know Anya pretty well, so I think I have a pretty
good idea of what she does with her time when I say
that she probably spends a good deal of her time
laughing.  I mean, I know she's very busy with school
work and teaching children's classes and keeping up
with her family.  At the moment she has a sculpture
project due and a film project due, which is keeping
her busy and probably a bit nervous and stressed, but
I can pretty much guarantee that she is laughing while
she's doing it.  Most likely, she's making others
laugh as well.  The more stressful the situation, the
more it calls for laughter.

and Husayn says:

Anya is an epic figure who uses her free time in ways unimaginable to
the average human. She is all she can be. She just does it. She's the
one who decided to leave off the ketchup. One afternoon she read all
the Harry Potter books and translated them into Latin to just to prove
that it's not dead. She's an army of one because two of her would just
be unfair. In one weekend she mastered the didgeridoo, the kettle drum,
the theremin, and the subtle art of beatboxing to create her first punk
symphony. She is the new black. She's the one who named it the bean.
She's already made an album for every state. Twice. If it wasn't for
her Johnny Depp would be alone, ugly, and living on the street. And
she's the one who inspires all the graffiti. She also goes to school.

Going Anya on ya.

tomorrow i have my first final critique of the semester. and i have to say i had a lot of fun doing this one, even though it was for my stressful drawing class. for the final we had to complete assignments #10, #35 and #50 from this place. (i recently uploaded #35, so it might not be up when you look for it, but look for it! it's a writing piece featuring husayn, katie, AND brent!). along with #10, which is to make a poster about your typical day, we had to expand on that and make a final collage/drawing about it. here is a photo for you visual amusement:


seven. more. days.

(stayed tuned for possible video projects to post)

a bouquet I rise

remember the night you laid me down, you whispered a song to lull me asleep. you kept back the tears that streamed down my cheek (the ones you didn't notice). your hands, in them i entrusted, the seeds of my purity hoping you'd be the one who'd plant and wait patiently. but i awoke a dorthy, dazed and confused, believing in the dream i had slept. i awoke mourning the woman i killed--here you is, here you gone. it was a dream i had slept nine months long. i let you in and then you were done

with me.

isn't that where this story beings? or, perhaps exactly where it ends.

you get no title, because i'm too angry sir jerkface.

Dear man on north ave.,

I want to you to close your eyes for just a moment. Now think of your daughter, you sister, your mother, your cousin, your niece, or perhaps your wife. Picture them walking down the street, minding their own business, giving a quick grin to those who pass (because it’s the polite thing to do). Now watch her as two men pass.

Did you hear the kisses he pretended to give her? Maybe he thinks she pretty, maybe he’s just being silly showing off in front of his friend, maybe he’s just a pervert.

Now rewind this scene in your mind and watch it again, but this time pay close attention to her. I know you noticed how she pretends that they aren’t there and holds her head up high until they pass. But look closer, did you notice the swelling of tears that appear in her eyes?

Those tears are the anger and the immediate hurt she feels rising up her chest. She wants to hit you with the newspaper that she holds in her hand, she wants to fight back calling you a “jacka** mother f*er!”

Or maybe that’s just me and what i wanted to do.

You see, I know better than to act on my first reaction to this type of situation. The first time a man heckled at me I was in fourth grade. A group of men sat in their car and yelled, “hey little lady! HEY! YEAH, YOU! wanna ride and come with me in my car” as the rest of the car started to hoot and holler. I finally turned, fed up with frustration and anger, and I yelled out, “No!” and stuck out my tongue…it was the meanest thing I knew to do. The driver only reacted with anger and flicked me off. I learned then that fighting back gets you nowhere or, if anything, makes them angry and puts you in a more dangerous situation.

Do you know what it’s like to be treated as a sexual object in fourth grade when you barely know what “sexual object” means? Each time I hear someone’s horn and then see him lean out his window or each time a man approaches me in such a way, I am brought back to this memory and it hurts to see that things haven’t changed.

What is it that makes you do it? Do you find it funny? What kind of entertainment do you get out of a women’s pain? Do you think that I don’t notice? When will things change?

Whatever it is, it needs to change. I mean do you really want to be a jacka** mother f*er? Because, tonight, that’s who you were to me.

stinker

blahh-bluhh

neither here nor there, my mind feels cluttered up with muck. always thinking about projects and when/how to pull them together, i can't think past the next day. it's all up in the air. will it work? will they like it? what else do i need? how much longer? when will my thoughts be my own again? being wrapped up in homework, i feel wrapped up in myself. (and it's giving me a headache) where are my peoples? where is my phone!?

oh, the end of semesters are never fun for this doubtful one.

i heart me my twin

in honor of this great holiday (it's all about the free candy) i decided to post a picture that just might be the scariest i have.

who's left and who's leaving

come thursday, my children are moving to georgia. i came home, home (b-town) to say goodbye. my baby-girl xcy, who is a little over two and a half, was all stressed out but found contentment on my lap. katana was running a fever and sick, but that didn't stop her talking (it's when she stops talking that you know she is really sick). and vahid made me realize that my kids aren't going to be my kids forever...

tah: vahid, go give anya a hug and a kiss.

vahid: okay, but only hugs. no kisses.

one day, each one of them will grow out of giving me kisses, just how they are slowly growing out of their "i heart anya" t-shirts.


today was a hard day.

--------------------------
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know.
Will never take me anywhere but here.

downloadables

about five months or so ago, i went itunes crazy. no, i didn't buy any music i just wondered around the store and dropped a whole lot into my shopping cart. i listened to tons of their previews and if i liked it or was on the border of liking it, i added it. about two months ago i opened my cart, became overwhelmed, and deleted a bunch of those songs. tonight, i went back all ready to buy a different song, but puzzled by my multiple buying options i re-stumbled upon "last night" by julie doiron.

looking for a good stumble? download it (in the legal sense of the term).

----------
last night
i held you in my arms
and i started to cry
and you looked up
and sqeezed your hands
onto my head
like you knew why

and it was so right

it's snowing!

i don't know if i should be cursing or celebrating, but i think i'm going to celebrate...

mexican hot chocolate anyone?

where i find myself

one long day coupled with a silent moment of loneliness felt late at night while laying in bed staring at pictures of those i love, the solid groud i stand upon--the solid ground i pride upon--softens. usually i panic and run, careful to where my feet touch the ground. i run to the pavement of cynicality, which plays the part of my sanity until my heart eventually comes back to me.

but this time,
this time my still soul stays where it is. and while i watch ten little pigs play in the mud, i wait patiently for the ground to dry.

the best way to end a week

hands down the best thing about chicago are the free concerts. like tonight for example, the chicago symphony orchestra's free preformance at millennium to kick off the world music festival. it was during Yuan-Qing Yu's violin solo (amazing!!) that i realized the beauty of the orchestra. any place that this orchestra played, anywhere across the world, people of any ethnic background, any age, any gender, any anything would hear the same emotion expressed by the music. then while explaining this idea to a friend i realized that this music is the universal language. my love for orchestra's has quadruplafied.

autoSAD

you know those awesome roommates i have? well, they are no where to be found. i forgot how architecture consumes peoples entire beings. forget first year all-nighters, this year it has developed into all-weekers. but here is the kicker, the one that hit me so hard that all that was left to do was laugh, then cry and then laugh again. not only have my roomates been in studio each night this week, this morning one of them (while home for two hours, taking a quick nap) took my toothbrush thinking they were doing my other roommate a favor by grabing her toothbrush. way to be considerate...way to steal my toothbrush! if i had known, i wouldn't have eaten an icecream sandwich. fyi: icecream sandwiches leave the teeth feeling a little fuzzy. gross, yet delicious! i can't wait until they get their autoCAD licences and can just work from their laptops from anywhere.

People I wish I had better memories of

sometimes, especially when i'm tired, i find it hard not to miss people.

i got a bike! i got a bike! i got a bike! hey, hey, hey, hey!

my original plan was to bike to school with one of my roomies, but financial aid came in and it was mission a few hundreded and a bike was no longer in the budget for this onion. after a long (and multiple) talks with another friend about my no-bike situation (who is waiting for me to get a bike so we can hit up the night riding scene) i decided it was time i detacht myself from getting one. that night i while working on homework what did my roommate find in the back closet? none other than a bike. the wheels were off, the chain was...not right, and there were random (to us at least) screws lying around it. what does my great roommate do? she decides at twelve to start to put it together. you see, my roommate loves bikes. seriously, if a bike is around she has a hard time paying attention to anything else. so the joy that i found that night, was not finding a bike and having an amazing roomie that would fix it for me, but how excited and how happy putting the bike together made her.

When the food starts to get better

that's right, i made tadiq...and i didn't burn it!! well okay the slightly burnt side is conveniently hidden on the other side of the plate, but, i mean, look at that beautiful plate of rice! you should have seen me taking pictures of it. i pretty much filled my camera with pictures as though it was my first born. i'm eating it right now (and who knew first borns were so tasty!) mmm...i'm so happy, i love persian food!

on growing up...

my sister liza can be caught, many times, saying how old she is or how old she feels, and today i finally am able to relate to her blasphemy. for the first time, i feel old. this week i moved into my new apartment. neither of my roommates have moved in yet, so there is no one around to check on me or to make decisions with, and for the first time feel fully responsible for myself and my well-being.

and it's scary.

and the foods not all that great either*.

-------------
fantasy is what people want
but reality is what they need...

...what are we going to do now
where are we going to go now
what are we going to say now

*suzanne and husayn know how to feed people, let me tell you

In God let the trusting trust...

'Abdu'l-Baha stated:

"It is extremely difficult to teach the individual and refine his character once puberty is passed. By then, as experience hath shown, even if every effort be effort be exerted to modify some tendency of his, it all availeth nothing. He may, perhaps, improve somewhat today; but let a few days pass and he forgetteth, and turneth backward to his habitual condition and accustomed ways."

Extremely difficult does not mean impossible. (yay!)

i heart portland.

well, portland is amazing. i woke up this morning and saw a mountain. yeah, that's right a mountain. and there are trees, you know...everywhere. portland is kinda covered with them and it's kinda great. then there are the parks. you don't have to go looking for the parks they just find you. first off, just by walking around the neighborhoods you might think that you are already in a park. but if that in it's self is not good enough for you, just start walking around and sooner rather than later you will stumble upon a park (and by the way their 'parks' are more like mini-forest perserves). right now i'm greatful to have grown up in the mid-west, because if i hadn't would i appreciate portland this much? illinois pretty much rocks right now, because it make portland so great.

moral of this post? visit portland; the city where they work.

Current state of being; note not current state of doing.

Here comes the rain storm. You can smell, see, and feel it coming. The barometric meter changes and you can feel the ache of every past injury in your bones. You prepare for its coming the best you can, knowing it’s a big one. You bring in the dried towels and anything else that need to be brought in. And then you wait; excited about the change that is about to take place. It starts out slowly with light gusts of wind and then starts to pick up. You reach out your hand from under the protected stoop from which you sit, close your eyes, and let yourself feel each drop. At first it tingles and you feel as though your hand has fallen asleep and is now waking up. You can’t help but take a small step out and let your whole body feel the rain. In a way, you come to realize, each drop that hits you allows you to feel your place in the world; you feel small and powerless. But then the rain starts to pour down and you can no longer feel the tingles of each drop; instead you become so soaked (with the exception of a few fat drops hitting your face) you are no longer aware of the rain. You think back to your place in the world and this time you feel unconstrained.

The rain, it eventually stops and you are left there in a state of bewilderment. Ten minutes ago you were completely dry and now by taking that step and standing in rain you are wet. In that short period of time you have changed and you are worried; what is it going to be like when you step back into the house?

Okay, so that was a bit weak and lame, but I’m exhausted. Not only am I exhausted, I am hot and the hotness is counteracting upon my exhaustion. Grrr…(and I grr in the utmost frustration). But anyways…After being gone for six weeks, in homes where there was endless support and one common goal, I’m a bit scared and overwhelmingly excited to be stepping back into the world.

By the way, how is the world oh people, that have been reading this? (that’s me asking you how you are…I miss you people). a little side story here: my friend geet-smeet (named changed for protection) says I need to stop making friends, because born into a family of seven…how is it that I have time for friends? Then while I was complaining about missing people she said, “see! you need to stop meeting people and making friends, you are just going to end up missing people all the time.” so, true. I miss and I miss. in fact I kinda want to get married just so everyone I miss can be all together.

More on Ruhi/my summer later… and by later I mean when I have time (mahh).

----------------------------

Holy Spirit rain down on me

I want to feel Your presence around me

Shower upon me Thy confirmations

Through the Spirit of Faith bring regenerations

oh, i do believe in all the things you see, what comes is better than what came before.

you learn something new everyday and on the fourth of july i learned this:

spontaneous dance party at the smits leaves the spirit ablaze and the soul soaring.

I listen to the wind
The wind of my soul
Where I'll end up, well I think
Only God really knows

Feeling it.

Sasha (as I am biting into a left over piece of a green bell pepper): why are you eating a jalapeño?

Me (confused): This isn’--- !!!!

Two minutes later, while soaking my lips in milk and sucking on bread…

Me: I feel like I have kissed hell.

and now for a two second update:

ruhi in the woods equals life altering?

thus far i have laughed so hard my back hurt, found my twin, married, and now know what faith means. it's only been one weeks, but i can already answer that question...yes, in a very very good way.

Working on.

and a quick shout-out: happy anniversary mom and dad!

i love my merkels forever and for always.

vahid: no, anya! don't turn off the light. i know i'm bigger than tana and xcy, but they share a room and don't have to sleep by themselves. i don't have anyone to talk to, just bob the builder. hey! why don't you sleep in the bottom bunk tonight!

vahid (one hour later): goodnight anya!

vahid (another hour later): okay, just one more question...

vahid (half an hour after that): what about yellow annnndddd.......green?

vahid (half an hour aftert that): what about 3 blues and 100 oranges?

---------

tah: bye-bye xcy, i love you!
xcyden: i wuv you!
tah: who do you love?
xcyden (looking up from her plate at me, grins and points): anya!

----------

katana: ohhh, so baby amia grew up and became your dad!?!!

----------

vahid (while pulling into dairy queen): anya, this is really nice!
me: no, vahid you're really nice.
vahid (after thinking about it): hey! i AM really nice!
mady: wow, vahid you're real modest.
vahid: no, mady anya's just being honest.



happy birthday sara!!! turning 28 must be fun!

bah-humbug.

perk #241 of living with the allmarts: being there to overhear husayn sing J. Lo's "Jenny from the Block"

a priceless moment?

you have no idea what you all just missed.

and now on to the rambling. bare with me or just stop reading...staring now:
there are things that people don't allow themselves to do and for me one of those things is hope. though to many this can be a romantic notion; to have hope is to have faith, to have faith is to believe, and to believe is to be hopeful. it's one big beautiful circle, but for me hope is scary. to hope is to finally admit to myself whatever it is that i am allowing myself to hope for is the thing i really want. doubt fills my head and the fear of what i'm hoping for is not what i need or is not going to get me where i want it to get me, or it is not what i should be hoping for and so forth and so on. i don't want to hope, because i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to have faith, because i don't want what i want not to happen. i don't want to believe, because i don't want my hope to blind me in seeing other out comes.

confused? so am i. but at least i have a vague idea of what i am saying. you may not, sorry. words and i are in a complex relationship...and that being true, why i have a blog remains an question that's going to go unpondered.

i am hoping to go to ruhi in the woods this summer (an intensive training camp for future community service type thing) and i'm trying to put these fears of hope aside. right now i am filling out the application and i'm trying to figure out how to say what i want to say. not too good with words and writing, three out of four of the question asked are, in a way, intimidating. my involvement with core activities and my experiences with them? well, i filled in and helped my sister a few times with her sunday school classes...uhh...the study circle i was in held a devotional...umm...yeah. i feel under qualified to answer the question and scold myself, "why haven't you done...done...something!" i had school, i had a job, i had a two hour commute each day...these are the excuses running through my head. when did i have the time? i should have made the time.

but as i ponder about why, i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator. i would become comfortable through meeting and getting to know the people that would be there with me, the people i would be working with when we come back to chicago. instead of "would" though, i should be saying "hope". i hope that is apart of what i would get out of going to this training. this is what i envision at least.

hmm...baahhhhh....applications.

hmm...baahhhhh....hoping.

-------------------------------


My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

i'm not exactly sure when it happened or how exactly it happened but...i have become a shoe whore.

and if you are disgusted like i am slightly frighten by this; don't look in my closet. since moving to evanston (since i started paying for my everything...minus my mobile) the number of shirts i own has doubled, my skirts have raised ten fold, and my pants! have most certainly tripled. i blame what i call the 14-odd-years of hand-me-downs liberation. in no way being serious; it has changed my life.

...i also blame nordstoms rack, the urban outfitters additional 50% off sale items, and gap being convently next door to p*nea.

...and debit cards.

-------------------------

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world

What he was thinking about the girl
Ya, what he's thinking about the girl, oh

A lot of people get confused and they bruise
Real easy when it comes to love
They start putting on their shoes and walking out
And singing "boy, I think I had enough"

Just because she makes a big rumpus
She don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy
Take a tip and do yourself a little service
Take a mountain turn it into a mole

So now you're mad, denying the truth
And it's hidden in the wisdom in the back of your tooth
Ya need ta spit it out, in a telephone booth
While ya call everyone that you know, and ask 'em

Where do you think she goes
Oh ya, where d'ya suppose she goes, oh

The truth well you know there's no stoppin' it
And the boat well ya know she's still rockin' it

The boat ya you know she's still rockin' it
And the truth ya you know there's no stoppin' it

You recognize with your back in the back?
That it's colder when she rocks the boat
But it's the cause hittin on the Cardinal Laws?
'bout the proper place to hang her coat

So to you, the truth is still hidden
And the soul plays the role of a lost little kitten but
You should know that the doctors weren't kiddin?
She's been singing it all along

But you were hearin' a different song

Do you feel?

Spontaneous motherfreaking dance parties make life worth living.

When Your Burrito Explodes

You know you have done something wrong, and you have just gotten what you have deserved when your veggie burrito with no beans, mild sauce, cheese, cream cheese, with no guacamole and no lettuce explodes onto your arm.

somehow i managed to leave two friends eating lunch at two different potbellies (misspelled because i feel like it) all by themselves. one was at the one on wabash the other on wacker. yes, map it out in your head or on google maps (i still prefer mapquest) and you will notice that, yes i manage to leave two friends stranded at the two potbellies on opposite sides of the loop. not only did i have to walk those 20 some blocks (exaggerated because that's what i do) feeling horrible for how much of a failure of a friend i am, i had to walk those 20 some blocks hungry. so i guess i got what was coming after sitting down to eat my burrito, after i said, "well, at least someone is going to have a good lunch today." and yes, we were sitting by the windows to give the pedestrians something to laugh at.

Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like you are in movie where it’s just about to end, and the oldies song starts to play quietly and then you turn it up and the song takes over, everyone is happy, and just as the scene fades you are running out of the room dancing?

A lesson must be lived in order to be learned.

and i think to myself, what lesson am i living?

if there is a thing called "old soul," i am most definitely a "new soul." i am an observer of sorts; always watching, listening, and absorbing other people's talks and interactions. unable to conger up the right words to describe my vivid visual thoughts, i am quite. "old souls" are known for their deep spiritual, and intellectual, insights; "new souls" are in need of strong, and patient, spiritual guidance.

i find my self living in a cycle, where suddenly, after months or years, i wake up and realize i have being living life through it's motions. as of this moment the first time i remember "waking up" was when someone once asked me, "what do you think about, what thoughts run through your head?" i thought about the question and the answer was clear, "nothing." i'm sure my friend thought that it was a joke or me just being a tease, but really it was the truth. well "the truth" scared me and was enough of a jolt to me that i had my first "awakening." what is it that i should be thinking about? which eventually developed into the question of, what am i afraid to think about? the answer was God. and so, i struggled, as i forced myself to think about God, to actually learn about this Baha'i Faith i called my own.

it was not until tonight that i feel i have a bit more understanding of why; in fact it was not until tonight that i finally had the guts to ask myself why it was i was afraid of God. tonight i decided to go down to the lake (what suzanne and i affectionately call the ocean) to say midnight prayers. it was there that i realized how far away i was sitting and thought to myself, "why is it that i am afraid of the ocean?" which reminded me of this quote:

O My Servants! My holy, My divinely ordained Revelation may be likened unto an ocean in whose depths are concealed innumerable pearls of great price, of surpassing luster. It is the duty of every seeker to bestir himself and strive to attain the shores of this ocean, so that he maym in proportion to the eagerness of his search and the efforts he hath exerted, partake of such benefits as have been pre-ordained in God's irrevocable and hidden Tablets.

and i finally asked myself why it was that i was afraid of God. (just to be clear, i did not remember not but two words from this quote, but i visualized it's meaning...or more it's meaning to me) right now, i feel that the answer i found, or more the answer i am beginning to find, is that there just may not be one answer to why and maybe its not the one answer that is important here; maybe it is the question itself that is of higher value. it is the question that got me to think.

Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

dream #141: become a graphic designer, making posters the rest of my life, and my offical office be a coffee shop.

would i be happy with that?

i. think. so.

(photoshop, i love you.)

Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

thanks to ondemand hbo style, to a sister that has cable and a small case of insomnia i saw the first three episodes of "Big Love" last night. just in case you don't know, "Big Love" is the new hbo series about a mormon's life with his three wives and seven children. like every hbo series i have thus seen, (six feet under, sopranos, carnival, and sex and the city) i enjoy the originality of it and am intrigued to see more. while watching it though, i kept finding myself getting frustrated. three wives all fighting for their husbands attention, naturally fighting and only getting upset at one another, never really getting mad at their husband. it was as though none of them wanted to bring up issues that needed to be addressed in their relationship almost in fear of making him mad. the only wife who seemed to have the balls to say anything in a straight forward, truthful manner (not trying to manipulate him with lies) was the oldest wife. i think the hardest thing for me to watch was the women always competing with one another and how that (in a way) was keeping them oppressed (this situation i saw the most between the two younger wives). but the frustration that i got from watching wasn't a bad thing, it made me think more about balances in relationships. the only complaint with what i have seen so far is the sexual focus of the relationships between the three wives and their one husband and the lack of the other dynamics of relationships. at one point i remember thinking that "Big Love" should be renamed "Big Sex," it was so fixated on the subject. but then again it is hbo.

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Garage Sale. Saturday.
I need to pay my heart's outstanding bills.
A cracked-up compass and a pocket watch,
some plastic daffodils,
the cutlery and coffee cups I stole from all-night restaurants,
a sense of wonder (only slightly used),
a year of two to haunt you in the dark,
a wage-slave forty-hour work week
(weighs a thousand kilograms, so bend you knees)
comes with a free fake smile for all your dumb demands,
the cordless razor that my father bought when I turned 17,
a puke-green sofa, the outline to a complicated dream of dignity,
and a laugh (too loud and too long).
For a place where awkward belongs,
or a phone call from far away with a "Hi, how are you today",
and a sign that recovery come to broken ones.
Or best offer.

The name's The Machine Bee, thank you!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Machine Bee Your Superpower is Soul Sold to Devil Your Weakness is Crystals Your Weapon is Your Air Analyzer Your Mode of Transportation is Cable

What's your Superhero Name?

if it weren't for dumbtimewastingyetattimesentertaining quizzes how else would i know that my superpower is Soul Sold to the Devil? I mean, if i never found that out-- well, think of how disillusioned i would have kept on living my life.

You have your whole life ahead of you. You have a whole six years!

To me "what if.." always meant to change the past. I would think of past mistakes/situations in these terms and would end up being depressed and saddened by my failures. I would watch my past self and cridge, while thinking, "oh, anya don't." moments would replay in my head and each time i would get angry at myself. it was all backwards thinking, because now (and i don't know what has changed, but i'm a fan of whatever it is), i can look at past mistakes and, instead of getting down on myself, i can see the value of what i learned from them. And now "what if.." has become a base for dreams to form. "What if I go to grad school in savannah? what if in the furture i own my own coffee shop and work side jobs as a graphic designer? what if i become an industrial designer and get to make cool toys the rest of my life? what if i can find a way to work my dream job (to put together packages to send to people*)?" the possibilities become endless, and at times overwhelming. but that good sort of overwhelming, you know when you get so excited you just have to sit down and calm yourself. like getting to see the merkle's, for example. (aww, i miss my merkle's who i haven't see since two weeks before my birthday...which was janurary 8th! come on now, who can go that long without seeing the merkles. not me that's for sure) so, umm, yeah. i have a new way of thinking and my thoughts feel much clearer which makes me feel much more happier. now if only i knew if it were my left frontal lobe that was more at work when i'm feeling happier or my right frontal lobe, i would have aced my psychology test today. dang those psychology tests.

*if you don't get that, then you just don't know me :-)

Content and Smiling...

i am at my favorite coffee shop in evanston, where the door is open allowing a slight breeze to come in, and death cab plays overhead.

my widget weather forcaster shows a violent storm cloud, when all i see outside is bright sunshine.

i am wearing a skirt. (wearing skirts make me happy. yay for skirts!)

*not being all knowing of widgets, i first put gidgits, then remembered they started with a "w" and so wrote widgits, and then still feeling that wasn't quite right i googled it to get the right word, does anyone else do this?

UPDATE: more smiles...on my walk home from the coffee shop i could smell the rain that's about to downpour. i love, love, LOVE the smell of rain.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I am a coward.

suz and hus are out of town for the week. the aparment feels too big and too cold without them. there is no amia talking in the mornings to ease me awake, only the alarm on my phone that makes me angry when it goes off.

i am depressed.

My First (failure of a) Grocery List

frozen waffles
butter
syrup
4 cheese hot pockets
2 packages of uncrustables (strawberry jelly...yumm!)
citrus green ice tea
2 bottles of orange juice (double yumm!)
milk
bananas (to help with the depression)

if you were at the evanston jewel on sunday, i was the girl walking around looking lost.

so, what did i learned this week?

i need to marry a chef.

Tomkins you have stolen my heart, now just don't break it.

so i made the big mistake of leaving tomkins (aka my nano, that i just got for my birthday) at sara's house. i thought that i wouldn't miss him this week due to the fact that it is the fifth week of classes, which means test upon test upon papers.

long realization short: i was wrong.

i miss his perfect shuffles (three out of four, on average thus far...what can i say tomkins, you are good), checking my pocket every ten minutes to make sure he is still there (thank you husayn, for terriorizing me with the "what if.." of losing him), the background he provides for my red line el naps (that successfully, and thankfully, drain out the sound of the person next to me chewing on their gum), and i even miss the way he makes my hears hurt in that odd way where the only way to make them feel better is to put the ear phones back in.

one week was hard, two weeks is undesired. tomkins, i think it's time you come on home. by that i mean, sara come visit and don't forget to bring my nano!

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Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark