felicity; as in the most recent episode of lost.

dear katie,

felicity.

what show are you watching?

double gosh (because your my sister and you should know better),
anya

geeez

dear j.j. abrams,

are you kidding me?

gosh,
anya

the afternoon that was

my eyes have widened, with a heighten sense of awareness. trying to look beyond my first thoughts, looking beyond myself. searching to find something in a crowded train. looking deeper within the motions around me, turning off the noise and seeing in silence. in everything, everyone something to be found. taken aback, pulling away from the interaction, i let these illusions try to define me. what is it that i see, how do i perceive?

an overwhelming reaction to just sit and observe the world came over me today. i played with fully listening to this "inner-voice" or whatever it was and was tempted to plop down on a corner and to take in the world. my thoughts are scattered and i'm constantly in deep thought, but not the deep thought that's drawing any conclusions or even full thoughts. it's like my head has gone into automatic searching mode, but i'm not sure what exactly what it's searching for. i'm feeling very detached from it all. the good detached, the unconstrained type of detachment.

i gotta learn sometime

this semester is taking a lot out of me, and pretty much everyone i know. school has become this mundane, slow as molasses thing. very painful for all involved, or at least those of us at UIC...or at least just my group of friends. anyways, i try to look to the future, where this is all taking me. but i look and i look and i vaguely see what is there. where will i be...still in chicago, marquette, ann arbor, urbana...batavia? i'm finding it hard to adapt to not knowing, not being able to place myself in a familiar setting. if i go to one of these places, even if i stay here, where/who will i live with, how will i pay for it, how will i move there?

so i don't know all that, okay (in theory...my stomach and head spin when i think about it). so i can't work on the practicals. that leaves me to work on my self and knowing my self. i guess what i'd call it is internal purging. since the beginning of this semester i've felt lost and confused to where i find myself (sinus infections really take a toll when you let them attack you for two weeks). i start off by looking at what i want in the future and once i decide on one thing (little by little), i sit back and ask myself, "now what do i need to do now in order to be ready for that?" and then i work on it. the time to do this feels right (during the fast, right before the baha'i new year, etc.) and it's been awhile since something has felt just right.

i love the fast, it makes me feel still.


Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you

overheard

there is this a group of friends in my photography class that tend to talk really loud to each other, particularly in the dark room. they make fun of each other constantly, and it gets annoying real quick. but on the rare occasions (okay today was the only time), they make me laugh.

tom 1: "he might as well just log off the thing if he's going to idle for six hours." (chuckling making fun of a friend)
tom 2 (walking up the conversation): "he was idle?"
tom 1: "you don't know what that means? i thought you knew everything about computers!"
tom 2: "yeah, i make movies. i don't sit around idling shit."

the delivery of that last line...it was good.