I try to laugh at whatever life brings.

working ons...

2011-09-28T13:54:00.001-07:00

i be a graduating in six weeks and well my portfolio is a hogpog of all that i've learned in the last two years. in other words it's a bit of an all over mess, with no clear direction. this is appropriate because, well that's where i am. where do i go next? i don't know. i know i will be taking my time to breath and slowly work on/develop my ideas further, but where does that leave me know when i have a cohesive portfolio that is due in six weeks? WHERE DOES IT LEAVE MEEEE?!! each day after portfolio i become overwhelmed and worried...i don't have it all planned out yet. in my freak out i pulled out my grandma's quilt pieces and started sketching. i don't know how i will develop these further, but i feel like this time i put myself in there. the happy side, not the serious side i've been showing the last two years. so i busted these out and i felt calm like them and i am excited AND i wanted to share (not that anyone blogs anymore...). so here you have it a little glimpse into what i am working on.

things that make me happy

2011-07-07T08:35:00.001-07:00

dance through your city!

the cracks of the in-between

2010-12-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

and here we stand looking down at the cracks of the in-between. hesitant to fall because i think i've been here with you once before. looking down i only see depths of my sorrow, a life i think i'm suppose to live. if only, catches me once again throws me to remember. there should be no if only(s), there should just be our hands naturally clasped together.

Fibers Final

2010-06-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I started taking nightly walks to the beach of Lake Michigan. The hidden corner where I sat upon the rocks was my sanctuary. It was a place in a busy city where I could drain out other’s voices and noises from my head, and simply listen to the waves gently crashing onto the shore. Though I was unaware of the importance of those walks at the time, I now know that they were the beginning of me actively engaging with my spiritual existence. I was awakening to my spiritual journey. By being and purely following what called me, I was lead to a place I always wanted to be, a place where I felt and was touched by my spirit.

Even though how one feels, reacts and connects within an environment is unique to every individual, the goal of my installation is to create a space that is open, welcoming and comfortable for all. I want my installation to be the type of sanctuary Lake Michigan was for me. I want it to be a space where one can connect with their spirit and remember who they are. To achieve this type of atmosphere, where one’s spirit is compelled to soar, I assembled my installation with interactive components. There are sticks that are placed into found holes in the brick wall, a wall of books, a removable crocheted blanket and a blank canvas with paints. All of these things are waiting to be touched, moved and manifested by anyone who reaches out to interact with them. For my fabric I used silk gauze to represent the spiritual world, cobweb felting to represent the transition between the physical and spiritual worlds, crocheted yarn, linen and wood to represent the physical world. Drawn to the celestial and calming light during the transitional hours of the day my color palette was developed. Inspiration for the installation as a whole comes from my deep desire to serve all of humanity.

*all fabric was hand dyed, crocheted and cobweb felted by me! skills be a growing!

working on

2010-05-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

i had no idea you could build a website with photoshop...i love when my photoshop skills grow. i heart photoshop for evers. screen shot of what i'm working on:

i like

2010-05-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

i like this piece of victoria woon.

it's that time of life again...

2010-04-30T17:47:00.001-07:00

it is that time of life again, where growth has come in unexpected ways and relationships end. a shift occurs whenever a relationship ends, whenever i finally let go, and i see all my other relationships in a new way. clarity.

what is sad is that when i heard this song playing overhead at primary (the local art shop) i thought for sure the lines were "just give me a reason to love you/just give me a reason to be abused". hello subconscious! what a horrible mix up to have in my head. love equating to being open/accepting myself to be abused, or thinking that if only someone loved me it is worth putting up with the abuse. is abuse a natural risk of loving, or is abuse the natural risk of forgetting one's worth? i am going to go with the later on this one. abuse is the opposite of love, it is forgetting what love is.

so here i am breaking that pattern, stopping the substitute of abuse for love. my heart can't handle it, it can not give any more without getting anything back. i will not accept anything less than equality. so you got problems, you got issues? deal with them, talk to someone. do it. stop sitting in your puddle of shame, strive for something more. strive to grow. take the steps to get there. it's not like one day they will magically disapear, so step up shake them out now.

i don't want to hold on any more, i want to say goodbye.

it seems fitting that after all this i find out anis mohjani will be performing not five minutes from me on this upcoming sunday. how i love it when i return to accepting the gifts the universe can't wait to give me. upon landing in savannah i told myself this is where i will see anis perform and this is where i will meet maya angelou. one down, one to go. come one savannah, show me what else you got!

if these blogs are just too much sappy, you might want to stop following for a couple of months, i be processing some major stuff...you've been warned.

writings on the bedroom wall

2010-04-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

after conversation, after conversations a long lost phone call blew the dust from my mind. clarity came stumbling forward. it should not be this hard to love me. cincinnati, brooklyn, new york. hindu, christian, muslim, baha'i. no matter your background, no matter your beliefs it should not be this hard to love me.

these are just a few of things i don't understand.

(winter 04)

"Let deeds not words be your adorning."

2010-04-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

this clip paired with the post title crack me up, and have been paired together in my head since i woke up.

randomness of randomness

2010-02-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

for the first time i have spring break at the same time as South by Southwest. for the first time i looked up the prices. so close, yet so far.

reunion is life, separation is death

i can't seem to read the signs as clearly as i used to. i recognize but i can't seem to make the connection again and again. maybe it's time just to see and gather and the connection will come later? i hope i'm not being lazy.

time has escaped my mind. actually my whole understand of the universe has been wiped clean. i don't know where that leaves me, but i know it's the best place i've yet to come to.

The most important thing for my heart is to hear and see you guys are finding your way and your standards are high and your Faith is strengthening.......
Love to you.
Ma Ma

it will all come together, it will all come together...that's the whisper that i pretend i am hearing right now.

one day will you be around long enough to hold my hand? one day will we know the answer?

random-ra-ra-randomness, sing it with me.

found

2009-12-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

when i drool this is what i am looking at Carl Zoch's photographs.

wowsa.

missin'

2009-11-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

today, right now at 12:41 sunday novemeber 8th i am missing the art insitute of chicago. in this moment, on this day there is no where else i'd rather be.

i miss the smell. i miss it's lightness and it's darkness. i miss it's warmth and it's marble. i miss it's one hour el ride on the purple line express to the house of worship. i miss the people who step on and step off that train. i miss physically being at these my sanctuaries.

things that make me happy

2009-10-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

day dreaming of having tea with the women who is giving a lecture, finding out a week later that someone else in my class has the same dream, and two hours later the dream coming true. i love what happens when we dare to dream and then step out of the way and allow life to fulfill our dreams.

two weeks ago i went to a lecture entitled, "Eastern Needs and ‘American Desires’; Impact of the open economy to domestic architecture in Sri Lanka" and fell in love with the speaker Anuththaradevi Widyalakara, who from the start of the lecture was fully, entirely and strongly herself. it was so refreshing to go to an lecture where the speaker was naturally themselves and was actually engaging with the audience. i learned so much from her presentation that i sat in my chair wishing that she was my professor and wishing i could sit down, have tea with her and learn more about her life.

yesterday, before taking an art history exam a classmate and i were gushing about how much we enjoyed Anuththaradevi and found out that we had the same dream of sitting down and having tea with her. after the exam, i was wondering around the art history building when lo and behold, Anuththaradevi stepped out a room right in front of me. i could not believe it. i walked up and told her how much i appreciated her lecture and how we wanted to have tea with her. right as i was telling her how we wanted to have tea with her, my classmate appeared out of no where five feet from us. and then all three of us went across the street to have tea. it was crazy and it indeed made my month.

oh and, i like working with my hands. they feel strangely magical at times and this makes me happy.

some things i learned brought to you by the letter L ('L' as in Life)

2009-08-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

I saw the other day that the inequality of men and women has to do with women not voicing their voices and men not listening to their voices. To reach true equality between men and women, women have to find their voices and let go of their fear that, one they will not be heard and two, the fear of their own power. Men, on the other hand, need to listen and let go of their fear of what might be said and the fear of losing power, and in some cases the fear of losing control. (Side note: I want to point out that I am not saying men have all the power and the women need to take it. What I am saying is that men have their power and women have their power. Each needs to step into their own and learn how to use it effectively.)

As individuals we have the responsibility to find this equilibrium within ourselves, that is to say we have the responsibility to find, use and listen to our own voices while at the same time listening to others. Do not be afraid of what you might hear, be detached and seek the truth in all things and in all matters, and soon, through patience and sincerity, you will recognize the truth when you hear it, see it or (who knows?) even when you taste it.

And now for a pretty picture:

artwork by: misha maynerick (and i believe, if you love this piece like i do, you can purchase it via her website...hint click her name and magically you might find yourself at her homepage)

This is why I love film:

2009-08-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

from the about blurb from the official website:

Bita Haidarian, an award-winning Iranian American filmmaker fresh out of film school, sets off on a journey around the world to answer the big questions – who am I, where do I come from, and where can a girl find a good laser hair removalist?

Born in America to Baha’i refugee parents from Iran, Bita tells the tragic-comic story of her family coming to America, her childhood in Texas, trying to fit in, and competitive cheerleading – all part of the quest of a girl who knows more about MTV than Al Jazeera.

Bita brings us from ‘Tehrangeles’ where Iranian girls get their noses re-shaped in posh Beverly Hills offices, to the garment district of LA where she cut her teeth in the fashion industry, to high society London where veiled women take lessons on how to secure a husband. Where princes and emirs mix with lords and ladies, Bita will take us into lesser-known corners of women and the Middle Eastern world.

Finding Bibi smashes worldwide stereotypes about women in the Middle East and is simultaneously a clarion call for the emancipation of women around the world.

And Bita’s plea to public – please watch my film! If it doesn’t succeed, I’m going to have to get married.

the official website can be found here: Finding Bibi

Jyothi totally called this day. Or also known as: Please, God get me to the second floor already.

2009-08-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

So here it is Mr. O'Riley, what I learned today. ( Mr. O'Riley was my eight grade lit. teacher and also he played a larger impact in my life as my junior varsity soccer coach in high school. Each day he would ask me and my then friend Danielle what we had learned that day. On a surface level I think it was his way of building a relationship with us, but on a deeper level it was helping and teaching me not only how to reflect but also the power of reflection.) So, now that you all know what I mean when I say this, here it is Mr. O'Riley, what I learned today.

You know that feeling? The one that inches up every so slightly, ever so quietly that causes a strong thought in your head. You know, the feeling that gently tells you, "You probably shouldn't do what you are about to do. In fact, I would strongly advise against the action you are about to take." But then since it seems so silly (mainly because it goes against your own desires) you disregard it. You push it away thinking it is just a fear, that it has no merit and what you are about to do is harmless. I mean you don't know exactly where that thought came from or why it is so strong so why trust it right?

Wrong.

Please listen when I say this, when this happens to you and you analyze it and go, "ohhh..I think this thought is the type Anya was talking about on her silly blog she never really utilizes," remember that for once in your life listen to that thought, just go with it. Take that thoughts advice, even though it seems so random and doesn't make much logic sense, just freaking go with it, okay? If you don't? Well you might just end up killing your families cat and your sister's dog. Seriously, you ignore this thought you are just making life harder on yourself and causing one huge nasty shit of a mess that will swiftly and simply tare you up inside.

Basically this is what happened, and I'm going to write this in bullet straight forward facts to cut out the wordiness of my writing:

Saturday 12:15 p.m.: I tare up some of my left over chicken (even though I know there is something wrong with giving her the chicken, but it is just a feeling and psh, hahaha oh feelings...rolls eyes excessively) to substitute Misty's (or more sexually accurately, Mister's) one can of gravy and chicken. I then proceed to poor additional dry cat food over it to make sure the cat's got some food while I spend the next gloriously, gorgeous, and, more importantly, hot and sticky days in the city.

Saturday 12:20 p.m.: Misty roars with discontent on my decision and straight up tells me, "WOMEN THIS SHIT IS GOING TO KILL ME!" Which I reply, "SHUT UP DAMN CAT, YOU'LL BE DYING SOON ANYWAYS. WHAT ARE YOU LIKE 12 (which for those who do not know equates to 94 in human years)?!" Misty strikes back, "I am not that old." I fire back with all my sass, "Ohhhhh, that's right. You ain't got no teeth because they haven't grown in yet, you cute little kitten you." Misty grunts. "That's right, eat your food and stop complaining! I am so tired of all your whining" are the words I leave the house with.

Saturday through Sunday: Explore city with friends, only think of cat to bitch about the whinny pants self of hers. (Side-freaking-note: friends discover Lito's Empandas 2566 N Clark St, Chicago which are cheap AND amazing. This place has been especially made for those who like awesomeness to go and enjoy.)

Sunday morning: Get in elevator at 11th floor only to have elevator to take us to the 44th floor for no useful reason and thus elevator takes us back down to 2nd floor. As my ears are popping from pressure and my stomach twisting from the drop Jyothi points out, "We need to all go back to bed. It is going to be one of those days." (this would also be the forewarning from God which we all seemed to miss at that moment: today is just going to breed grossness and breed grossness it did)

Sunday afternoon: Return from city and am back home in B-town suburbs. Half of family and dog returns from vacation.

Still afternoon: Dog eats entirety of cat bowl. Eats grass. Throws up in kitchen. Oh, wait sorry, dog throws up grass, mucus and 200 white cream worms in the kitchen. 200 worms are alive and start moving to find a new home.

Sunday 3:00 p.m.: Suzanne and Husayn chlorine bleach the hell out of kitchen and clean up dog mess a.k.a. grossness God was talking about in elevator.

Sunday 5:00 p.m.: House still feels disgusting when one of the worms that got away are discovered inching across the kitchen. The phrase, "Can't get 'em all," never felt so appropriate in all my life.

Sunday 6:00 p.m.: Allmart's go to leave (busting the heck out of this nasty worm infected house) and I go to fill up cat bowl. See that there are about 20 worms in cat bowl and realize that this is where the worms originated from.

Sunday 6:01 p.m.: I begin to cry as I piece the puzzle together. Me and the stupid, hot, muggy, humidity not only brought worms into the house, we brought it directly into the mouths of the cat and dog. Directly into the cat and dog's bodies.

As I cried I found myself saying, "I am so sorry. I didn't know." But then I realized I did know. I did have that strong feeling that came from the pit of my stomach that I was not suppose to give the cat chicken. I knew but I didn't listen. I didn't even give time to question that thought, I didn't give myself the chance to digest it and understand it. In all honesty I didn't want to have to buy more cat food, I didn't want to spend the ten dollars. So when I went to put the chicken in the bowl and that thought came up and I ignored it because I didn't want to question, explore and reflect upon it. I feared that it would end in me going to Jewel and spending ten dollars I didn't have on cat food. Ten dollars, that's what it came down to. Ten dollars and I may have killed or caused great harm to my cat and my sister's dog.

And this, this Mr. O'Riley is when I saw this pattern of accepting but not taking the time to actually understand, and how it has repeated within my life and affected my life. All the consequences and the painful ways of learning all became clearer. Today I learned the importance of questioning that in which you do not understand, whether it is a thought that comes from within you or one that you hear/read about, and to not be afraid to explore or ask what you do not understand. Question and seek with detachment and sincerity and know (or at least from what I understand) that your answers will surely come. Patience, patience, patience and have faith that your questions will be answered and the answer you seek will at some point unfold before your eyes. Okay so that last line is a bit too cheesy for me, but I am way over writing this post to change it.

Oh and umm...can you imagine the grossness of seeing 200 worms quickly crawling out of throw up in the freaking kitchen right before you eyes?!!?? (I mainly wrote this reminder to freak Katie Bishop.)

(I love you Katie Bishop, I love you.)

hug please, elsa bishop!

2009-02-21T06:40:00.000-08:00

i'm not entirely sure how this was decided yesterday or how exactly how it happened, but today i'm off to seattle via the train. above is a map of the route. i is excited! my ipod died, so no music or any catching up on this american life. ahh well...books, sketches and the site seer car shall keep me occupied.

a tantrum un-thrown

2009-02-17T20:37:00.001-08:00

the words rattle around my head. this is just a moment, it will soon pass...but these words have become my finger prints. (you know the ones that glue me to the edge i've been dangling on for months) and though i am grateful that the grip God gave me is super and powerful, in this moment i want to let go already.

i also want to ask, "when exactly is this moment suppose to end?"

time is irrelevant in this situation, even though it's what i think i need to make it through this moment. i fantasize that time will bring me hope, will bring me the relief i am so desperately looking for. it is almost comical to put so much reliance upon time, when it is simply a tool we have created to make sense of the foreign world we find ourselves in. i look upon a tool to provide me what only a virtue can give? now, that's just straight-up silly.

i just need to trust that you weren't lying to me when you reminded me that this is just a moment and it shall soon pass. which shouldn't be hard because how often has 'Abdu'l-Baha lied to anyone? yeah, that's what i thought. learning can be so painfully-obviously-simple.

i honestly have nothing else to do. (also known as long ass post number 2)

2009-02-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

this is my outfit today. i'm posting it because i have nothing else to do; i received no hours at work this week due to dwindling sales and me being the last person hired i get whatever hours they have left to give out (this week, apparently, there were no scraps) AND since anthropologie grabbed my heart only to throw it back in my face (at last moment they canceled an internship i could only dream to be real) i find that i'm currently floating in the realm of "what in the world do i do with myself now?"

i'm in this funk of having plety of half-way started projects (i swear brandon i'll finish those shoes someday), but no drive to finish them (beyond feeling guilty that i haven't finished them already). my creativity is still brewing even though my energy to follow through on projects is in no state to be used properly. as a way to release some of this creativity within me i've recently started to play a favorite game of mine that i have yet to name but for now will call it, "The Outfit Game" (i say that in a low, serious voice). i like this game for many reasons; one, it sometimes helps me get out of bed in the morning when i really, really rather not. two, i love creating the most when what i have to work with is limited. three, it makes me feel like i have much more clothes than i actually do and it makes me enjoy and appreciate that i already have much much more.

the rules to the game are pretty simple. match up items in your wardrobe that you have never matched up before. you can do this blindly, but for me that takes a great deal of the fun of the creativity out of it. dadaism has it's time and place and for me it is not in this game. but i encourage exploration, so try if you so wish.

the picture above is the outfit i made today. i don't usually name outfits, but with this one it just came out so naturally (and why not add a new element to the game, huh?). i call this one, "Here's Waldo." i think it captures the playfulness of the stripes and the nostalgic feeling created by the dress that resembles a jumper. i threw on some skinny jeans because it's way too dang cold not to wear a bottom layer. i wasn't feeling tights because the dress is a knit and it was still staticy from it's recent run through the drier. i'm so tired of winter that static makes me angery, since it is one of the greatest down falls of winter. i think leggings would do, especially paired with knee high socks. when i get around to buying a pair of leggings, or more specifically actually finding a pair that works, i'll get to play version 1.2 of "The Outfit Game" with "Here's Waldo." (version 1.2 is where you tweak outfits you have tried to put together with something that could possibly work better).

anyways, in hopes of turning this into a dialogue and making a lame attempt to turn this into something more, i dare to ask what do you think? to be honest i ask your opinion, not because i care what you think (i like this outfit it makes me feel happy when i wear it), but because i want to give people a place where they feel like they can practice openly and honestly saying what they think. i'm putting myself out there to practice not caring what others might think of me, to practice just being myself, so if you fear that what your opinion is might hurt me think of it this way; if it does then i get to practice letting not my heart be offended by people's differing opinions.

my mama has already casts her vote: she thinks i look cute. now it's your turn, what do you think?

inspiration (also known as one long ass post)

2009-02-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

after having an amazingly hard emotional week last week i find myself searching for inspiration to pull me out of a week that left me within the tight and suffocating confides of the psychological torment known by the oh so fun and exciting question of, "why?" the thoughts in my head sound like a three year old trying to figure out how everything they see works. the questions start out reasonable like, "why, anthropologie, are you breaking my heart?" but as i come up with answers i also come up with more questions until finally i am left with the core of all the why's, "why am i here?"

i know the answer is found in the very first line in a prayer i say everyday: "I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee." however i ask, "why am i here?" in a more concrete way like, "why exactly am i here? what purpose do i have to fulfill, specifically? how am i suppose to be worshiping God, what is it suppose to look like? how am i going to serve humanity?"

i know that these are my questions, but they are just too big for me (and possibly anyone) to digest and get to the bottom of in one fell swoop. so instead of focusing on my ga-zillion and three questions, i tried to find what inspires me. because, it's time for me to honest with myself and there is probably good reason i am naturally drawn to certain things over others.

i have no idea where i pick this feeling up, but even though style and design excite and impact me, i often think that i am suppose to feel empty about it. i remeber clearly in third or forth grade i loved cutting up fashion ads from magazines. in my room i even hung the collages i made of the different supermodels. my mom saw all of this and commented, "maybe you should be a model when your older?" my reaction to this was so strong; i felt insulted. already at that age i had picked up (not to mention believed) that models didn't do anything important, that they were unitelligent and that it wasn't a profession one was suppose to aspire to be. after my mom made her suggestion, i took the pictures off my wall and cut myself off from the things i liked that had anything to do with the fashion industry. tied together in my head is this formula that in my interest in style and design will lead me to be vain and materialistic. except not so much lead me as the interest itself means i am materalistic. which in the end makes me feel that my interest in design and style, who i am and what i enjoy a lot is this horrible, horrible monster that breaths fire, kills puppies and would rather buy clothes than fed hungry children.

so as i sat down at my computer to find inspiration, i decided to ditch the guilt of liking what i like and decided to start at the one blog i check multiple times a day: Go Fug Yourself, the writing is hilarious and the pictures help me appreciate and enjoy the different ways people choose to express their own style. luckily for me, the website was just recently nominated for best fashion blog of the year and was encourage readers to go vote.

this all eventually lead me to my inspiration finds of the day:

The Sartorialist-pictures taken of people's outfits on different streets of cities from around the world (i really like this one)

Project Rungay-not quiet sure about this one yet, but it has pictures of collections that were shown at New York Fashion Week, so thus far i am enjoying

Simple Wardrobe-i actually found out about this site via Fiberarts Magazine while doing my magazine gazing at borders last night.

after going through these blogs and more specifically The Sartorialist, i want to get more into photography and start posting and sharing more style and design items that i find/make and start exploring the relationship between design and spirituality. we shall see where this goes, since i don't have a camera...as of yet.

reading: "Letter to My Daughter"

2009-01-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

i very much like maya angelou and i thank her for sharing her wisdom.

i like

2009-01-09T19:22:00.001-08:00

2009-01-05T23:29:00.000-08:00

there is a place of good that i come from, where i rise from and though the dictionary of my words has yet to be written or the full implication of my actions been seen, know that the good i do is for you (not the specific type of 'you', but simply the expansive kind). and though we do not write, call, or visit by any sort of societal definition, we are close. for we will always, in all ways, be one.

issues a tia faces

2009-01-05T22:39:00.001-08:00

web_MG_5713
Originally uploaded by liza-bean

i am up this late for three reasons:

1) i just got back from work...pulling out and setting up new retail (i really like this job)

2) i am secretly hoping elsa will wake up in the middle of the night like she used to when she was younger to play

and 3) i don't want to go to bed because tomorrow katie and elsa leave to go back to seattle and i don't want to acknowledge that fact

it would be easy to say i wish i lived in seattle, but then when would i get to see amia and liam? these are the issues of a modern day tia, and i can think of only one thing that can solve this quandary; mitchellopolis. the day we break ground on this glorious idea, will mark the day of one overly-ubberly happy tia anya.

strugglings

2008-11-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

recently i have realized how completely blessed i am more fully, and this realization has brought me down to understand a deeper level of humility and gratitude. i struggled for a bit wondering why i do i get to be so blessed, when so many other people seem to struggle and struggle and struggle? i cried thinking of everyone's struggles, and i cried even harder thinking of the choices we make with our free will. i cried until i remembered our equality, that God doesn't test us beyond our capacities, and really we are all blessed but sometimes, many times, we fall victim to ourselves and forget.

enjoying:

2008-11-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

Devon Gundry - "Armed" from Justin Baldoni on Vimeo.

the pairing of these two (Devon Gundry and Justin Baldoni) takes me to a deeper place leaving me feeling unconstrained. the sincerity found in gundry's voice is humbling. needless to say, i very much like this video.

take the time to reflect and remember

2008-10-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

"O MY FRIENDS! Have ye forgotten that true and radiant morn, when in those hallowed and blessed surroundings ye were all gathered in My presence beneath the shade of the tree of life, which is planted in the all-glorious paradise? Awe-struck ye listened as I gave utterance to these three most holy words: O friends! Prefer not your will to Mine, never desire that which I have not desired for you, and approach Me not with lifeless hearts, defile with worldly desires and cravings. Would ye but sanctify your souls, ye would at this present hour recall that place and those surroundings, and the truth of My utterance should be made evident unto all of you."

-the 19th Persian Hidden Words of Baha'u'llah

i have a dream

2008-09-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

that one day people will build and keep the peace through the bad-ass means of justice and stop keeping the piece of their false realities that they hold onto so tightly. then they will finally see themselves and me clearly; we are noble, people, noble beings.

take a step back and take that in. what does that mean? being a noble being to me means that with all my heart, no matter how corny or unimaginable this sounds, i love all of humanity and i strive everyday to serve it the best i can. that means i love you (yes you!) and i try to serve you. i love you unconditionally. are we married? are we family? are we friends? do we talk to each other? do we know each other? none of these titles or what your relation to me is, was, could be matters, i still love you. come on! let's be awesome already and rise to our nobility.

*dedicated to the ms. katy luxion and awesome conversations.

un-learning(shaking the dust)

2008-09-08T16:02:00.001-07:00

splash
Originally uploaded by rutinha

gravy pours down my arm. my dad told me, warned me, "hold on carefully." i grasped both ends of the china "so delicate" i thought. it was my duty to carry it from the kitchen to the dinner room table. i walk with both eyes on the gravy until i trip on my grandma's guilt and my grandpa's rotting teeth. i fall, i have a choice to make, either i let of the china and let grace take it's fall or i clutch it ever so tightly, putting it before me and finish falling on my face. time it seems starts to turn slowly, waiting for me to decide. my dad's words are the ones i remember, but i don't think he meant for me to choose the gravy's fate before mine. with eyes wide shut i let go of the china. right hand first (without even thinking). my left hand still clutching, trying to hold the unbalanced weight. hot gravy burns my skin and still consciously i have to tell myself to let it go.

let. it. go.

i cry having to watch it break. i cry, foolishly thinking that it was(is) my job to save her. that my actions could(can) make her decision. forgetting my nobility, playing into false realities, i get stuck within my own susceptibility. but then grace catches me, somewhere between the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end, and teaches me to consciously let my worries go. so the gravy pours down my arm, but i have learned where my trust should(does) lay and that is something i would(should) never give away.

Dedicated to things unoticed(unconscious)

2008-09-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

dear fellow train-car buddy,

if you had only looked into my eyes you would have seen my heart and then you would have realized i was okay (i am okay) for my connection to God, Baha'u'llah and my spirit are existent (Glory be to God). i was sitting there asking you to simply listen; to help me for a moment hold my words so i could gradually caught my breath and eventually carry the full weight of my words again. for i was on my way to drop them off the mount of detachment, patience and trust where i could walk away satisfied knowing i had done the right thing. But, you, it seemed were lost on the path of regret, pushing me to take the advice you wish you could give yourself and then asking me for directions. i guess in the end we failed each other... but only in the sense of not giving each other what we wanted. for we gave each other what we needed and perhaps a perspective only found through honest reflection.

thank you.

things i suggest to do

2008-09-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

read this book and enjoy it. or really just do something that will fill you up with joy (no matter what it is, go do it now or go and plan to do it sooner rather than later).

the life of a bouncer

2008-08-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

in this moment everything seems so hard. it's like i can't get enough oxygen through my nose to clear out the dizzy cloud swirling in my head. sometimes (especially after four months) living out of a suitcase leaves me exhausted. and this exhaustion feels heavier when my vision is blurry and i can't see what is right in front of me, where this is all leading me, or what pillow my head is going to land on this week or even (sometimes) tomorrow. i grow tired and overwhelmed and a bitter rant waits to be uttered full of complaints, full of wrongs. but then i force myself to remember that even though i don't know which pillow i will land on at least i know there will be a pillow there. i won't go to sleep hungry. i won't go to sleep unloved or alone. God's love is always right there and I have turned towards it, making it ever so easier to accept. and even though i want a bed, i want a job, i want stability, i know that if these things were what i needed then i would have them and that really, this is just a moment within eternity. it is a moment well worth it, for all the pain and hardship i feel is only drawing me closer and closer to God and in the end isn't that what this life is all about?

findings

2008-08-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

i have avoided american apparel at all cost ever since their store in evanston opened up and i saw in the display window a video all about how their model was a famous porn star. there was just something that stuck me, maybe it was the obvious "we are selling sex" message that ended up never stepping into any of their stores nor even looked at any of their products. then i found out from my friend dan (aka my number one fashion industry know it all resource) that they sell 100% organic cotton. this news came in a year after i first was introduced to their image and my straight up hating of american apparel died down a little. then this week, knowing that their are tons of their stores in chicago, i decided to look into the company online and found that they are trying to build a company that doesn't outsource, gives their workers benefits, subsidized transportation, subsidized lunches and even go as far to open a clinic at their L.A. warehouse for their co-workers. Needless to say i was impressed and thought hey, perhaps i should apply there. today, i pushed their revolving door until the store revealed itself to me and kept pushing until i was safely back on the sidewalk. i don't know what it was exactly, but my gut description was, "so this is what a store on acid looks like." there was just this weird, odd and strange energy in the place that i couldn't quit get what it was but had absolutely no interest in staying around to find out. so good job american apparel on doing all that you do, being conscious of your workers and such, but sorry, i just don't feel your image.

so i don't feel american apparel or their stores at least, but here are a few places that i just recently discovered and am really enjoying. the first one is a clothing line called Armour Sans Anguish that is out of San Fransisco. they take and recycle vintage clothing. i like their imagination and playfulness. then there is this line called William Good which is brought to you by the designer who was made famous from the Joe Boxer line. basically he teamed up with Good Will to take some of the gazillion pounds of clothes Good Will gets and recycles the clothes by adding a little bit of his own style to them and then resells them creating a William Good boutique. from what i read on their website one of the goals of the company is creating the next level from people who work at Good Will. pretty sweet. next on my findings was an awesome shop in L.A. called Fresh Press, if you are in L.A. please just go for me and then tell me how awesome i am imagining it is. lastly, dear friends, i have found my dream home. one day i will move to l.a. and i will live in this house (probably not, but why not dream). currently it is occupied by the guy who built it; ray kappe. unfortunately can not find as good as pictures that were in the dwell article, but there was something about the split levels and the where the lines cut that just got me drooling. there is a bunch of other nice stuff i discovered today, but i think one more link would kill this post. i'm thinking though that i'm going to have to set up monthly afternoons devoted to barnes and noble, there is just too much to be discovered just with the magazines.

haircuts?

2008-07-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

as husayn cut away suzanne's, matt's and my dad's hair this past week i'm feeling like my hair is heavy and with this humid weather anything that feels weighty on your body must go. so i'm thinking of going shorter, shorter than i have ever gone. problems i forsee with this approach is my very round face, but i think i'm willing to take a risk. hair grows back and i'm not the one who has to look at my head the most. the following are some cuts i'm drawn to, and then a sloppy photoshop version of what they may (or probably won't) look like.

what do you think, is this a summer adventure i should pursue?

their "destiny"

2008-07-16T23:53:00.001-07:00

unable to accept the change, he turns to walk away. tears burn as she holds onto loyalties of shame. out of desperation (and utter forgetfulness) she reveals her true self and with two words she expresses all her needs, "please stay."

he turns, and walks away.

the sky breaks in sync with the tare of her pain. and as she listens to the earth's anger she starts to believe she is the only one to blame. by morning the rain begins to stop, and the pit-pat-patters whisper, "only your faith in God is what matters."

so you think you can dance..or fall in love without us noticing

2008-07-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

is it just me or is there a little something, something going on between cat and thayne?

cat seems pretty nuzzily and protective ("well, if you feel like they are a little better than good or amazing! or AWESOME!!!!!! vote for thayne (my secret lover) and comfort". i dunno that's just what i'm getting, anybody else picking up on it?

when the spirit says move,

2008-06-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

move.

home visits

2008-06-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

so as we reside in tempe, az for the week we are going around doing musical home visits. (home visits: trips to peoples homes to build stronger relationships; usually share some prayers/have devotions, deepen/talk about spiritual reality and the baha'i faith, or pretty much whatever people want to do with a goal of being of service to each other). yesterday we made our way to an apartment complex and knocked on the door of a man who recently declared. at the first knock no one answered. after the second a dazed man opened the door and then quickly ran back to his chair. our friend, who had visit the man before, walked in to talk to him. the man broke down in tears and eventually asked the rest of us to come in to say prayers. so the five us walked in and we all sat down. you could tell the man was in bad shape; he was alone in his dark apartment and seemed to not have had the chance to shower in days. before we started our devotions we asked him if there was anything specific in his life that he wanted us to pray for. he mumbled, "yes, my job." we started our prayers and we sang for an hour and a half. between our songs i silently prayed that he would let his spirit guides to come and help him, almost instantaneously i sensed all those who were helping him in the apartment and that apartment was packed man. in particular, i could tell that his mom was right there with him. i thought i was just visualizing and making this all up in my head, but once the devotions were over he opened up his heart and shared with us all that he is going through. his mom, he said, who he was very close to died two years ago and that he missed her so much that it became a physical pain. i told him that she is always with him in spirit, and he said, "yes, sometimes at night i see her." he went on to tell us he has been battling with depression (he was recently in the hospital for back pain and in turn, i believe, his job is in jeopardy and on top of it all he has seven siblings but no one comes to check up on him and it leaves him feeling absolutely alone). we found out that before we came he was going to go out and buy alcohol with his rent money and then come home and take all the pills he got from the hospital. instead, he said, he prayed to God and asked for help and he was very thankful when we showed up, because we are the only people that visit him. we sat there and we listened and we helped him find hope to live. the only thing that brightened his face was his nieces and nephews. "they need me," he said, "they are the ones that love me." it is love that gives us hope, it is love that gives us faith, and it is love that is God.

"Know thou of a certainty that Love is the secret of God's holy Dispensation, the manifestation of the All-Merciful, the fountain of spiritual outpourings. Love is heaven's kindly light, the Holy Spirit's eternal breath that vivifieth the human soul. Love is the cause of God's revelation unto man, the vital bond inherent, in accordance withe divine creation, in the realities of things. Love is the one means that ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next. Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that sureth the progress of every illumined soul. Love is the most great law that ruleth this might and heavenly cycle, the unique power that bindeth together the divers elements of this material world, the supreme magnetic force that directeth the movements of the spheres in the celestial realms. Love revealeth with unfailing and limitless power the mysteries latent in the universe. Love is the spirit of life unto the adorned body of mankind, the establisher of true civilization in this mortal world, and the shedder of imperishable glory upon every high-aiming race and nation." -Baha'i Writings

(loving is what it is all about.)

and we're off

2008-05-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

jessica, katy and i are off (while okay, katy in a week) for our summer service trip. think musical devotionals and youth night firesides, add a car, and cities such as phoenix, flagstaff, tuscon, portland, seattle and a bunch of stops in between. right now we are enjoying (and i am surprisingly loving) overland park, ks. getting a last minute play date with erin was wonderful and the amazing johnson family has hooked us up with places to stay in east kansas AND denver. next stop: hays, kansas! (via the backroads).

i want to yell this to the whole world

2008-05-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

not every sign is for you to figure out. not every happening is yours to understand or even know. what will be will! be! yet, if you still find yourself wanting to know (or even an over zealous need to know) think of your worst fear, give it a hug, and then let it go.

i watch ugly betty

2008-05-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

and can i just say: Gio!!!

(he makes me happy)

Recipe:

2008-05-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

combine the lyrics of ani difranco's "Bouquet" with a part of an old relationship unexpressed, a boy's confession of his sole desire to raise a reaction, a girl looking for just one piece of a long lost puzzle, a long ride home on the "el".

mix ingredients together, watch patiently as the words fall into place, enjoy and you might find yourself published in the 2008 edition of In Other Words.

yay for poetry! (and double yay for possible, unexpected income.)

opps, my bad.

2008-03-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

anybody wanna a pair of shoes?

after a weird moment in the car i turned left and ended up at DSW wear i found these delicious purple shoes (picture below...70 freaking percent off!). in all honesty i shouldn't have bought them because well, i no longer work at the buck of stars and thus only have money for food. but my feet have been seriously abused and when i put on the purple goddesses my feet glowed of happiness, so in a way i had to get them.

anyways, as it happened to turn out i also found a pair of brown all-star converse for 70 freaking percent off only to realize that they were a size 10 in men's after i had already stitched on them. so i'm giving them away. anybody want? they are a size 10 in men's (that converts to an 11 in women's) and if you like the stitching i would love to add more, but if not that's cool too. i just want to find someone to give them to. don't forget that Naw-Ruz (the Baha'i new year) is on friday. they could make a nifty gift....

Proposal

2008-03-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

the definition, by what we mean when we say society

comes from the generalization we see from the lives

portrayed on t.v.

but what’s really going on in our society?

I see mothers driven to insanity

overwhelmed by their responsibilities

left upon them from a lack of community

i see children turning to drugs

to escape the pain of our

fucked up reality

I see the rage of the

“Right of the Individual”

messing with our nobility

can’t you see?

“We are flowers of one garden,

Leaves of one tree,

Waves of one ocean” *

the human body is our

community and our cancer

is our society

we are dying forgetting our own equality.

so come with me, stand up

take hold of your identity,

become a conscious member of humanity

and help me

i’ll bring what i see, and

you bring what you see and

together let’s change our reality.

together, let’s redefine our society.

*quote taken from the Writings of Baha’u’llah.

leap this year

2008-02-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

all the wintery-fullness has hit me full force and i'm tested on average three times a week to my baby bear instincts to crawl into a hole and sleep until sunshine and all it's warmth wakes me again. if it weren't for the lack of universal health care i'd seriously considering dropping all of my classes and moving to where ever warmth lives. wow, i think the reality of that thought just caught up to me and has me shaking from the weight of the honesty behind it.

dang heath care.

dang student loans.

dang fears.

yet, in the back of my mind i can't help but laughing... the Fast has such perfect timing.

muddled thoughts

2008-02-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

many levels we don't see, blinded by dichotomies. separating with walls built off fears and other false necessities. what happened to our faith and our vision that we are one family? what caused us to utterly forget our purpose or lead us to give up searching what we are made to be?

O SON OF SPIRIT!
I created thee rich, why dost thou bring thyself down to poverty? Noble I made thee, wherewith dost thou abase thyself? Out of the essence of knowledge I gave thee being, why seekest thou enlightenment from anyone beside Me? Out of the clay of love I molded thee, how dost thou busy thyself with another? Turn thy sight unto thyself, that thou mayest find Me standing within thee, mighty, powerful and self-subsisting.

-Bahá'u'lláh

has anyone heard "New Soul" by Yael Naïm? it plays on the new apple commercial, and i'm pretty much in love with the song...i kinda feel like i wrote it.

i have a friend named anna

2007-12-31T15:16:00.001-08:00



her voice takes my heart places and sends vibrations
through my soul.

(i hope you don't mind i put this up anna joon!)

Connections

2007-12-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

first off, i am alive! surprise! second, not only am i alive i do have a blog that i post on...possibly not often but it's here and believe it or not i know it's here. and now, onto what got me to actually post something. on friday, my mom and i headed up to the north shore for grandparent and special friends day at amia's montesorri school. as i watched her explore whatever she felt like exploring i thought to myself, "man! i wish i got to go to a montessori school." i had this feeling that if i had i'd would have been a lot happier with my education and not so caught up in societal standards of who i should be. but then after/while going through and clearing connections, loyalties and fears of burdens i carried for other people, feelings i had about school, emotions i have with finances, shyness, my self-consiousness, and a poisonous idea of relationships (a lot of heavy stuff i've been holding onto) the idea hit me, "i still can have a montesorri education; i can explore anything that i want to explore!" and ever since then possible situations and opportunities have been falling into my lap. and really these opportunities have always been there, i just wasn't able to see them in the realm of an actual option for me. it's like suddenly i see these things as conformations to guide me and what a beautiful way to see!

here are a few explorations that i have come upon recently (where there are so many connection to the connections that i feel like i have to follow up on them):

1) printmaking

2) travel around china for the summer or maybe just visit hong kong (though, this exploration is dwindling with thoughts of fear..i'm still looking into it)

3) and upon looking at photos taken by my grandpa from puerto rico (like the one above...it's a six legged ox!!) i'm pretty certain that someday i'm going to have to make my way down south, where life seems to run in more simple manner.

yay, for change! and hooray for feeling very happy and very free!

Let me poll you...

2007-09-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

so one of my projects for my online class on the history of photography class is the ask people five random questions about photography. i am very happy that they get to be random, for i like randomness and it makes it much more fun for me! i have decided to poll you, dear reader and here are my questions for you, answer away!

1) do you prefer to take pictures of people, places or things?

2) would you rather take photos digitally or the old way with film?

3) which would you prefer: looking at pictures in a museum or flickr?

4) do you agree, that this is one of the most beautifully gorgeous pictures you have seen in a long time?

5) do you hold your breath while taken pictures, secretly believing the old myth (or so they say) that pictures take a bit of your soul away?

working on

2007-09-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

let the focus shift. let the view change. see the world differently, on a whole 'nother plane. let go what you know and let the new come in. see things the way they are and not the same old, same old thing. the only thing constant in this world is change, so let. it. on. in!

what i like about me

2007-09-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

1) i like to hold you tight; up, down, jump around and make you feel all right
2) i like my killer sense of direction; i don't know what it is but i know how to get places
3) i like that i'm an observer of the world. i love the way everything is so interconnected and the interactions between people, colors, designs, pattern and everything...i love it all!
4) i like that i come from a big family and that i have sisters who marry awesome fella's and have me some amazing nieces
5) i like that i like to really listen to people and what's going on in their lives and help them out...i love, love, love stories about other people's lives.
6) i like that i adapt easily to situations and surroundings, it makes me flexible and able to enjoy everything and everyone around me...and life in general
7) i like that i'm open minded and have the strength to believe in what i find to be true
8) i like that i'm engaged.
9) i like that people constantly make me laugh (especially people who are just themselves, they make me so happy i easily fall in love with them) i also like that i fall in love with people for who they are.
10) i like that i'm a stinker and that i've confused everyone with #8...i wish i could have seen you're reactions.

so some of you awsomelicious people have already been tagged, but have yet to post, so i shall tag you again...anna
, katy, nathan, jessica,and the n-trizzle

IF ONLY I WOULD LET THEM!!!

2007-09-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

apparently, i'm all about not letting people help me and i'm not exactly sure why. when i called my sister katie, she left me speechless my answering, "Whatdaya mean you won't let anyone help you!?" then this morning my mom walked in said, "look anya, here is a book for you." it was called My Father's Angels and the Psalm from above was in the front cover. Though, it is not at all funny that i'm not letting people help me, i think it is quite funny that i have become (or at least i think i have) just as frustrated at myself as those who are trying to help me are.

gosh, darn it anya! get it together!

summer project

2007-08-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

my all-star canvas'before and after:

by 12:00 p.m. on monday, my summer will be officially over. geet-street and i made a plan at the beginning of the summer to spend our time beefing up our portfolios. i only thought of and worked on one project. what happened to me this summer? i'm not quite sure. will i return? God willing.

hey, J-face...you got some windex i can borrow?

2007-08-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

this morning i read about how "your thoughts are your reality."

today i caught a thought and decided to test it. quick! i dug into my pockets and pulled out my mirror. determined to find the truth, i started searching. looking, i only saw my reflection. it wasn't until the dawn broke through, that it finally jumped out at me. at first i burst into tears and cried out (looking to blame), "look at the pain you have inflicted upon me!" two shallow gasps of air, i then cried out again (finding the blame), "look how much i let you grow!" defeated, i looked back. five years! i've weaved it's veil. five years and my tear ducts are left dry; for my ego has had it's way with me.

(prayers for clear perspective, please.)

since when did people not stick to the harry potter oath!?

2007-07-21T00:26:00.001-07:00

dear passengers of the 12:56 train from chicago to elburn,

let me introduce you to the little thing known as the harry potter oath (aka common decency). first off, this being the seventh and LAST book i was under the impression that this is a well-known oath and that people (especially the fanatics, like people who traveled all the way to oak park to buy their book, for example) stuck to. but, unfortunately, for me, you are unaware of it. anyways in hopes to save others the same pain you put me through tonight, the oath is as follows: unless consent is given by all within ear-shot and you are in a locked room or such an isolated area that there is no chance anyone will walk in on your conversation, under no circumstances are you to talk about the book. it's a bit tricky, i know, so let me break it down for you: "talk about the book" includes talking in broken sentences or one word sentences, openingly reacting to something you have just read, which invites the following conversation:

friend un:"ohhh, what part did you read?"

idiot who openingly reacted: "the thing that happens on page ____? AND THEN SOME REALLY OBVIOUS CRYPTIC-PLOT-GIVING-WORDS!"

the slytherin-sorted friend who thinks she knows it all: "SAYS STRAIGHT OUT WHAT HER FRIENDS WERE TRYING NOT TO SAY STRAIGHT OUT AND GIVES PERMISSION TO TALK OPENLY ABOUT THE SUBJECT...INCLUDING FURTHER OPINIONS AND THOUGHTS!!!"

...making any facial movement, hand gestures, OR eye movement when you hear people talking about the book (until consent has cleared the area)and obsoletely no reading the book out loud in public (especially, when it's a public place no one can get away...like a train, for example). so you see, it is quite simple: just don't talk about it!

much love,

the girl who you upset so much i am still up at 3:00

p.s. i mean, come on, really, did you have to say it?

i find myself in kansas (but not)

2007-07-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

i ran tonight. just me, the stars, the crisp noveremberish air, and a few too little cares. i ran looking for my sitting rocks that hide in front of the ocean. all i found were railroad tracks, pretty homes, and a whole lot of choked-back emotion. this is the place (that takes some re-adjusting), this is the time (that the soul starts trusting).

reflecting

2007-07-08T22:17:00.001-07:00

so i've been thinking about this "unknown" upcoming year. suddenly, i find myself violently pulled out of the city and placed gently in the suburbs. it was as though the moment i began to adjust and gather comfort with my surroundings in the city, i was thrown out to the other universe known as the burbs. a universe where going to do your laundry doesn't involve locked doors or quarters (hollar!)and also a universe where putting a push pin, let alone a nail, in the wall is a huge no-no (grr!).

i have to admit, with so much movement (or traveling or whatever it is) in my life recently, i didn't really prepare myself (other than my physical self) for this move. i found myself in a panic feeling very direction-less and worried. so much so, i even called julie walker to set up another appointment. but as i allow myself to think about taking this time off...i finally feel the calm of this year and am starting to get excited. hopefully, i will remain focused, i will not seek the familiar and i will let myself grow.

funny, now that i think about the dream i had two weeks ago (what is going on with all these dreams i'm having!?!)...i was pregnant and really scared. the baby was all violent kicking and punching inside me, almost as though it was trying prey itself out through my belly. and it wasn't until i talked to my mom and dad did i feel better about having the baby and that the baby calmed down (but man, could that baby throw a punch!). it wasn't until tonight, after i talked to my parents (who were telling me about all the youth and young adult retreats that they use to have at their house and all the activities they were involved in with the community) that i felt inspired, started to really think about what i'm going to do this year and felt better about it.

Guess what?

2007-07-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

iSight is the best thing ever. and do you know why iSight is the best thing ever? today, i saw my dear elsa zadi in motion (and her pre-smile face) via iSight. iSight is amazing and i thought the world should know. but considering that 94% of the people that read this blog were with me, watching elsa sleep in her mama's arms, via iSight, i guess i just thought that the 6% of should know: iSight is my new favorite. that is all.

ELSA IS ON HER WAY!!!

2007-07-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

two week or sooner!

ahhh!!

ekk!!

ahhh!!!!

treasure found

2007-06-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

one night last week, while in the 'burbs to help out my dad while my mom was in haifa, sleep and i started fighting...

ME: but it's time for me to sleep! i want to sleepppp!
SLEEP: i don't care, i don't want to help you right now.
ME: gosh.

so i got up and looked around for a book to read. at first i went on a mad hunt for the first harry potter, with the next book coming out soon (thank goodness) i thought it a wise choice. i didn't find it. what i did find however, was this really old, pretty looking book (i judge books by their covers). intrigued i opened it up to find the picture to the left. the book was apart of my grandpa lehman's collection. i figured that if he put that stamp within this book, he must have liked it or at the very least read it. and due to the fact that his alzheimer's had hit full-swing by the time i came around, this book (or at least how i like to look at it) is a way for me to get to know my grandpa. i became even more excited when i flipped through the book to find that he had marked some of the short stories and poems, which in my mind means that these are the passages that stood out and spoke to him, or just made him think a little deeper upon a subject. the following poem he has marked at the beginning and at the end, which to me reads he liked it aLOT. and after reading it i felt like i'm getting a chance to know who he was:

THE NEEDLE

The gay belles of fashion may boast of excelling

In walzt or cotillon , at whist or quadrill;
And see admiration by vauntingly telling
Of drawing, and painting, and musical skill:
But give me the fair one, in country or city,
Whose home and its duties are dear to her heart,
Who cheerfully warbles some rustical ditty,
While plying the needle with exquisite art:
The bright little needle, the swift-flying needle,
The needle directed by beauty and art.

If Love have a potent, a magical token,
A talisman, ever resistless and true,
A charm that is never evaded or broken,
A witchery certain the heart to subdue,
'T is this; and his armory never has furnished
So keen and unerring, or polished a dart;
Let beauty direct it, so polished and burnished,
And oh! it is certain of touching the heart:
The bright little needle, the swift-flying needle,
The needle directed by beauty and art.

Be wise, then, ye maidens, nor seek admiration,
By dressing for conquest, and flirting with all;
You never, whatev'e be your fortune or station,
Appear half so lovely at rout or at ball,
As gayly convened at the work-covered table,
Each cheerfully active, playing her part,
Beguiling the task with a song or a fable,
And plying the needle with exquisite art:
The bright little needle, then swift-flying needle.
The needle directed by beauty and art.

-Samuel Woodworth

p.s. my grandma was a quilter

tag. you're it. go directly to jail. do not collect $200.

2007-06-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

the rules of this tag game: each person tagged gives seven random facts about themselves, and then tags seven people to do the same. thanks, heather.

1.) sometimes the only thing that can get me out of bed in the morning is the outfit i put together in my head while laying in bed trying to decide if i should get up or go back to sleep.

2.) two days after each time i post, i tell myself i will never blog again.

3.) nothing bugs/irritates me more than when people chomp their gum in a way that i can hear the saliva between the gum and their teeth with each chew. gum should be chewed, not heard!

4.) in kindergarten when our teacher told us it was spelling time, i would go to the bathroom and count to one hundred hoping that by the time i came out the lesson would be over.

5.) if you call on me to say something (talk, give an answer, give my opinion...etc.) out of no where-- for example if you pick me out of a group and say, "What do you think anya?" i will reply, "I think you should never do that to me again."

6.) my ideal day would start with three shots of orange juice.

7.) i beat up a boy named brad when i was in seventh grade and even though the bus driver witnessed it, along with the vice principle and my eight grade basketball coach, no one tried to stop me or talked to me afterwards. actually, no one ever mentioned it except one girl who came up to me during lunch to say, "that was awesome!"*

*mention this to my mother and i will do the same thing to you!

happy birthday katie!!

the peaks of being a tia

2007-05-25T21:34:00.001-07:00

things are a changing for the better, this year will be hard but i know in the end i'll find a school i like at a price my liver and scoliosis will be able to handle. this year i will learn how to be patient and it will all be okay. positivity is flowing through me again, and the cause? after months of holding out, elsa gave me (not one but two!) HUGE kicks. oh, elsa joon, you sure know how to teach this tia lessons!

happy birthday mom! i miss you tons and tons!

words! i am no good with words, i am no good with power.

2007-05-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm becoming a new person each day. each day a new layer is peeled as i'm making my way down to my core. and i'm re-learning how to think and learning how to make what is in my heart apart of this physical world. i'm learning my strength and learning my place. it's hard and tiring, and sometimes i feel selfish; i don't know where to step, which way to go, or on which beat to clap. so unclear the future has become. i want someone to take me by the hand and show me where to go and how to serve, but these things i'm learning i have to find on my own. a rapid growth is within me and if it ended in a eruption of a scream it would send ripples through the ocean.

ALANIS MORISSETTE! ALANIS MORISSETTE!

2007-04-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

i think for this, i might love her forever.

don't you want me baby, don't you want ohhhhohohhhh

2007-04-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

so guess what human league? university of michigan does want some of this! what!?? that's right. i'm starting this post with a little bit of old news. well, only two days old but after the misery of a day i had today it feels like months ago or just an excitement that lasted two point thirty four seconds.

this is my day: at sometime between 4:15 and 6:04 this morning i had a dream. the moment i realized what i was dreaming was a dream i pulled myself awake so fast--i can't even tell you. i yelled, "no, no, no, no, no!" and sank into sadness while revisiting the deep emotions i had experienced during the dream. it wasn't that the dream was sad, it was quite happy and wonderful, it was just---well, i don't think i can ever explain it to anyone. it just was what it was and in the end made me disappointed in my subconscious. stupid subconscious what do you think you are doing? ugh.

so from 6:04 to 8:50 i flipped and flopped trying to forget the dream, to forget the warm and perfectly right feeling i had before i realized it was a dream. (do people have those moments in real life? where things are per.fect.ly. right?...creepily great feeling, no?) anyways trying to use my escape (sleep) to escape that dream lead me to sleeping wayyy in, causing a decision to be made; eat breakfast or make lunch? i ate the breakfast, not thinking twice about how i don't have money to spend on five dollar lunches.

after my morning class i ran to the computer lab to look up numbers for u of m and ran into dan (yeah, dan!). he was tan and we then realized we hadn't seen each other for two weeks and then we got sad because that is what is going to be like when i leave. i checked u of m's transfer scholarships and found out that it is due tomorrow. panic mode set in quick (really quick, because at this point i was still shaking from the dream). i then proceeded to call them to find out about my options for next year. due to financial restraints, i might have to delay school for a year... so i call to figure out my options. i ask if they have one year deferments; they don't. i ask how long do i have to work/live in michigan to get in-state tuition; i can't until i'm 24. it was then i realized that there was no place to hide and call someone to cry and that i thought to myself, "this [as in uic] campus stinks, no wonder no one is happy here."

i moped up the stairs to my next class acting happy while stress eating pretzel rods...i was so hungry i ended up eating half the bag. after class, after the effect of having two options slam in my face settled in for four hours, i saw geet-street* for the first time in five days. internally, i wanted to hug her and just start crying. externally, i got all wide-eyed and happy, ran over to her and pinched her cheek and said, "she does exist!" and then i broke down with a "today is the worst day ever...it started with a dream and then i can't afford to go to u of m." like the amazing feat that she is she said, "no. anya, this is what you are going to do. take a year off. re-apply, make their feb. financial aid deadline, and work on stuff to add to your sweet portfolio. i'm pretty close to taking next year off, too. it's fine. okay, i have to go finish this and i'll see you in 25 hours. it's fine, it's going to be all right."

and with that geet gave me hope and i started to relax (a very tiny bit, i'm still feeling sick and dizzy...money does that to me...my poor liver). i went back down to the computer lab and started looking up scholarships and doing what i can do until the may 1st deadline when i have to send in my non-refundable $200 acceptance deposit. can i just say, i am so sick of time. i feel like i just missed everything falling into place easily by a month or two. actually, right now taking a year off sounds very calming. but i'm still pretty sick of time.

i'm feeling pretty weird right now. i just came back from ruhi study circle ("Arising to Serve") and i can feel my spirit empowered. i walked into the study circle determined to forget about money and to focus bring the energy from this past weekend to the group. i felt like it worked and felt a lot happier than i have felt while since being in chicago...it feels like a semester since i have genially laughed and was happy.

here's to long pointless, not thought-out post and the human league!

yay!

*this girl is so amazing, i can't help but be attached.

felicity; as in the most recent episode of lost.

2007-03-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

dear katie,

felicity.

what show are you watching?

double gosh (because your my sister and you should know better),
anya

geeez

2007-03-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

dear j.j. abrams,

are you kidding me?

gosh,
anya

the afternoon that was

2007-03-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

my eyes have widened, with a heighten sense of awareness. trying to look beyond my first thoughts, looking beyond myself. searching to find something in a crowded train. looking deeper within the motions around me, turning off the noise and seeing in silence. in everything, everyone something to be found. taken aback, pulling away from the interaction, i let these illusions try to define me. what is it that i see, how do i perceive?

an overwhelming reaction to just sit and observe the world came over me today. i played with fully listening to this "inner-voice" or whatever it was and was tempted to plop down on a corner and to take in the world. my thoughts are scattered and i'm constantly in deep thought, but not the deep thought that's drawing any conclusions or even full thoughts. it's like my head has gone into automatic searching mode, but i'm not sure what exactly what it's searching for. i'm feeling very detached from it all. the good detached, the unconstrained type of detachment.

i gotta learn sometime

2007-03-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

this semester is taking a lot out of me, and pretty much everyone i know. school has become this mundane, slow as molasses thing. very painful for all involved, or at least those of us at UIC...or at least just my group of friends. anyways, i try to look to the future, where this is all taking me. but i look and i look and i vaguely see what is there. where will i be...still in chicago, marquette, ann arbor, urbana...batavia? i'm finding it hard to adapt to not knowing, not being able to place myself in a familiar setting. if i go to one of these places, even if i stay here, where/who will i live with, how will i pay for it, how will i move there?

so i don't know all that, okay (in theory...my stomach and head spin when i think about it). so i can't work on the practicals. that leaves me to work on my self and knowing my self. i guess what i'd call it is internal purging. since the beginning of this semester i've felt lost and confused to where i find myself (sinus infections really take a toll when you let them attack you for two weeks). i start off by looking at what i want in the future and once i decide on one thing (little by little), i sit back and ask myself, "now what do i need to do now in order to be ready for that?" and then i work on it. the time to do this feels right (during the fast, right before the baha'i new year, etc.) and it's been awhile since something has felt just right.

i love the fast, it makes me feel still.

Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you

overheard

2007-03-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

there is this a group of friends in my photography class that tend to talk really loud to each other, particularly in the dark room. they make fun of each other constantly, and it gets annoying real quick. but on the rare occasions (okay today was the only time), they make me laugh.

tom 1: "he might as well just log off the thing if he's going to idle for six hours." (chuckling making fun of a friend)
tom 2 (walking up the conversation): "he was idle?"
tom 1: "you don't know what that means? i thought you knew everything about computers!"
tom 2: "yeah, i make movies. i don't sit around idling shit."

the delivery of that last line...it was good.

i write this with a bloody nose

2007-02-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

after a long, long, LONG week of being sick and too far from my mama i be going home. (imagine my scratchy voice trying to scream yay! or perhaps a double yay!..it shouldn't be hard because if i tried to nothing would come out) i'm going home people and it feels so good to say so. this morning i thought i was going through a mental breakdown and then i finally decided to skip class (again. i'm not doing so hot on attendance this semester) tomorrow and go! home! once that decision was made my mind, at long last, settled. in other good news, i saw julie w. this week and she told me to leave uic!!!!!! when she told me i was so delighted and excited i could have thrown down the one twenty five on the table, said, "thank you" and left happy beyond happily satisfied.

searching for answers
in places i know they won't be
hoping beyond wishing
you will make it easy
and walk up
and give into me

A Poem from my free-style heroine, Maya

2007-02-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

a conceit

give me your hand

make room for me
to lead and follow
you
beyond this rage of poetry.

let others have
the privacy
of touching words
and love of loss
of love.

for me
give me your hand.

oh baby sparrow, maybe it's too late

2007-01-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

there is a big bay window across the street. on the weekends and on the rare 11 o'clock occassions a yellow lab basks in the sunlight while effortlessly chewing on it's bone.

i wish it were sunday morning, i wish i were that dog.

classes started a week ago and i'm finding it hard to care about them. "care" in the way of having high anxiety about them. for example, my first photo project is due tomorrow and i'm finding it hard to see if my pictures are all clear and in focus. but i don't seem to mind if they turn out badly, if the lighting is way off, if i'll get them developed in time, or if i loaded the film right. i have a strong attitude of "it's okay, it's just a learning experiance" so i'm relaxed and enjoying messing around. how will i learn if i don't make mistakes? (oh lord, i hope this mentality sticks around)

i find myself more and more interested in industrial design. i'm enrolled in the intro. class and it's starting off slowly and holding me in great anticipation. i hate moments of anticipation, they make me feel uneasy and nauseated. "TELL ME, i just want to know! are you the career for me?!" i've started to read about it daily and i just want more. but like each time i start to fall in love, i'm terrified of the disappointment that the anticipation can bring. so. very. scared.

a birthday made.

2007-01-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

it might not have snowed for or by my birthday, but all was forgiven and forgotten when i got a birthday e-mail from my merkels and this picture was tagged to it. i miss my kids so much.

so true.

2007-01-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

come monday i will be 21. after this last week spent in columbus, i feel older and...stiller? i feel like i'm going to own this age i'm turning. up until this last week i've been stuck at 18.5 (a toss between the ages 18 and 19). i wonder if that means anything. mmahh, probably not.

what made me feel old after columbus? a new layer of understanding in the area of tests. tests not only allow one to grow, but also show you how much you have grown...or in my case that i have grown at all. though the test i was granted could be considered extremely tiny for most, it was huge for me. and to learn that i am growing, well, booyah-hooray! i have the capacity to grow!

p.s. click on the title of this post

promise made

2006-12-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

movies from my film class (by far the best class i had this semester)...

love one (music by common market, pieces of footage from "the scare mitch project" by suzanne)

the animal parade (in-film editing project)

tia anya has a movie for you! (as seen on husayn's blogger)

comfort (artist piece)

dance party! (that's what i'm talking about...music by taliman)

typical

2006-12-06T18:42:00.001-08:00

so assignment #35 isn't showing up so i'm going to take some brotherly-in-law advice and post it myself. i also noticed that one might not know what my poster says in assingment #10, so i whipped up this diagram in photoshop...hopefully it reads more clearly.

Assignment #35 "Going Anya on ya"

Brent says:

In the morning, Anya, like many, lies in bed. She does so, however,  in a
particularly idiomatic style which... SAYS something. ABOUT something.
Anya's modus operandi is to lie in the carnage of a nightlong battle
recently lost, the victorious entangling bed sheets flung to and fro over
their newly won domain. She lies still, but in a dynamic pose, with
half-closed eyelids, in order to better stay in the bitter, green twilight
between boringly realistic dreams and exotic, dangerous waking life. Then
she gets up. She rubs both of her eyelids with both of her hands; the right
hand rubs counterclockwise, while the left rubs clockwise. Then she
stretches, gets up, and gets cereal. Apple Jacks. The rest of her day is
pretty boring.

...or...

Anya's first activity upon waking is to mentally calalouge which
activities she is going to do. This happens while she lies half-awake, while
she gets ready, and while she is in transit. Next, she walks 3 blocks to the
"L" train. She nearly always arrives one full minute before the train does.
Oddly enough, no matter what the day, she always takes the same train at the
same time in the same direction. She might go either to the laundromat, to
class, to the grocery store, or a cafe. She is normally back at her
apartment by 4:00 pm and then settles down to dinner and conversation with
her roomates. She watches whatever the favorite show of the roomate is,
talking through the commercials. She goes to bed by 10:30. Rinse. Lather.
Repeat.

Katie says:

I know Anya pretty well, so I think I have a pretty
good idea of what she does with her time when I say
that she probably spends a good deal of her time
laughing.  I mean, I know she's very busy with school
work and teaching children's classes and keeping up
with her family.  At the moment she has a sculpture
project due and a film project due, which is keeping
her busy and probably a bit nervous and stressed, but
I can pretty much guarantee that she is laughing while
she's doing it.  Most likely, she's making others
laugh as well.  The more stressful the situation, the
more it calls for laughter.

and Husayn says:

Anya is an epic figure who uses her free time in ways unimaginable to
the average human. She is all she can be. She just does it. She's the
one who decided to leave off the ketchup. One afternoon she read all
the Harry Potter books and translated them into Latin to just to prove
that it's not dead. She's an army of one because two of her would just
be unfair. In one weekend she mastered the didgeridoo, the kettle drum,
the theremin, and the subtle art of beatboxing to create her first punk
symphony. She is the new black. She's the one who named it the bean.
She's already made an album for every state. Twice. If it wasn't for
her Johnny Depp would be alone, ugly, and living on the street. And
she's the one who inspires all the graffiti. She also goes to school.

Going Anya on ya.

2006-12-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

tomorrow i have my first final critique of the semester. and i have to say i had a lot of fun doing this one, even though it was for my stressful drawing class. for the final we had to complete assignments #10, #35 and #50 from this place. (i recently uploaded #35, so it might not be up when you look for it, but look for it! it's a writing piece featuring husayn, katie, AND brent!). along with #10, which is to make a poster about your typical day, we had to expand on that and make a final collage/drawing about it. here is a photo for you visual amusement:

seven. more. days.

(stayed tuned for possible video projects to post)

a bouquet I rise

2006-11-30T17:21:00.002-08:00

remember the night you laid me down, you whispered a song to lull me asleep. you kept back the tears that streamed down my cheek (the ones you didn't notice). your hands, in them i entrusted, the seeds of my purity hoping you'd be the one who'd plant and wait patiently. but i awoke a dorthy, dazed and confused, believing in the dream i had slept. i awoke mourning the woman i killed--here you is, here you gone. it was a dream i had slept nine months long. i let you in and then you were done

with me.

isn't that where this story beings? or, perhaps exactly where it ends.

you get no title, because i'm too angry sir jerkface.

2006-11-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

Dear man on north ave.,

I want to you to close your eyes for just a moment. Now think of your daughter, you sister, your mother, your cousin, your niece, or perhaps your wife. Picture them walking down the street, minding their own business, giving a quick grin to those who pass (because it’s the polite thing to do). Now watch her as two men pass.

Did you hear the kisses he pretended to give her? Maybe he thinks she pretty, maybe he’s just being silly showing off in front of his friend, maybe he’s just a pervert.

Now rewind this scene in your mind and watch it again, but this time pay close attention to her. I know you noticed how she pretends that they aren’t there and holds her head up high until they pass. But look closer, did you notice the swelling of tears that appear in her eyes?

Those tears are the anger and the immediate hurt she feels rising up her chest. She wants to hit you with the newspaper that she holds in her hand, she wants to fight back calling you a “jacka** mother f*er!”

Or maybe that’s just me and what i wanted to do.

You see, I know better than to act on my first reaction to this type of situation. The first time a man heckled at me I was in fourth grade. A group of men sat in their car and yelled, “hey little lady! HEY! YEAH, YOU! wanna ride and come with me in my car” as the rest of the car started to hoot and holler. I finally turned, fed up with frustration and anger, and I yelled out, “No!” and stuck out my tongue…it was the meanest thing I knew to do. The driver only reacted with anger and flicked me off. I learned then that fighting back gets you nowhere or, if anything, makes them angry and puts you in a more dangerous situation.

Do you know what it’s like to be treated as a sexual object in fourth grade when you barely know what “sexual object” means? Each time I hear someone’s horn and then see him lean out his window or each time a man approaches me in such a way, I am brought back to this memory and it hurts to see that things haven’t changed.

What is it that makes you do it? Do you find it funny? What kind of entertainment do you get out of a women’s pain? Do you think that I don’t notice? When will things change?

Whatever it is, it needs to change. I mean do you really want to be a jacka** mother f*er? Because, tonight, that’s who you were to me.

stinker

blahh-bluhh

2006-11-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

neither here nor there, my mind feels cluttered up with muck. always thinking about projects and when/how to pull them together, i can't think past the next day. it's all up in the air. will it work? will they like it? what else do i need? how much longer? when will my thoughts be my own again? being wrapped up in homework, i feel wrapped up in myself. (and it's giving me a headache) where are my peoples? where is my phone!?

oh, the end of semesters are never fun for this doubtful one.

i heart me my twin

2006-10-31T14:32:00.000-08:00

in honor of this great holiday (it's all about the free candy) i decided to post a picture that just might be the scariest i have.

who's left and who's leaving

2006-10-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

come thursday, my children are moving to georgia. i came home, home (b-town) to say goodbye. my baby-girl xcy, who is a little over two and a half, was all stressed out but found contentment on my lap. katana was running a fever and sick, but that didn't stop her talking (it's when she stops talking that you know she is really sick). and vahid made me realize that my kids aren't going to be my kids forever...

tah: vahid, go give anya a hug and a kiss.

vahid: okay, but only hugs. no kisses.

one day, each one of them will grow out of giving me kisses, just how they are slowly growing out of their "i heart anya" t-shirts.

today was a hard day.

--------------------------
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know.
Will never take me anywhere but here.

downloadables

2006-10-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

about five months or so ago, i went itunes crazy. no, i didn't buy any music i just wondered around the store and dropped a whole lot into my shopping cart. i listened to tons of their previews and if i liked it or was on the border of liking it, i added it. about two months ago i opened my cart, became overwhelmed, and deleted a bunch of those songs. tonight, i went back all ready to buy a different song, but puzzled by my multiple buying options i re-stumbled upon "last night" by julie doiron.

looking for a good stumble? download it (in the legal sense of the term).

----------
last night
i held you in my arms
and i started to cry
and you looked up
and sqeezed your hands
onto my head
like you knew why

and it was so right

it's snowing!

2006-10-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know if i should be cursing or celebrating, but i think i'm going to celebrate...

mexican hot chocolate anyone?

where i find myself

2006-09-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

one long day coupled with a silent moment of loneliness felt late at night while laying in bed staring at pictures of those i love, the solid groud i stand upon--the solid ground i pride upon--softens. usually i panic and run, careful to where my feet touch the ground. i run to the pavement of cynicality, which plays the part of my sanity until my heart eventually comes back to me.

but this time,
this time my still soul stays where it is. and while i watch ten little pigs play in the mud, i wait patiently for the ground to dry.

the best way to end a week

2006-09-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

hands down the best thing about chicago are the free concerts. like tonight for example, the chicago symphony orchestra's free preformance at millennium to kick off the world music festival. it was during Yuan-Qing Yu's violin solo (amazing!!) that i realized the beauty of the orchestra. any place that this orchestra played, anywhere across the world, people of any ethnic background, any age, any gender, any anything would hear the same emotion expressed by the music. then while explaining this idea to a friend i realized that this music is the universal language. my love for orchestra's has quadruplafied.

autoSAD

2006-09-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

you know those awesome roommates i have? well, they are no where to be found. i forgot how architecture consumes peoples entire beings. forget first year all-nighters, this year it has developed into all-weekers. but here is the kicker, the one that hit me so hard that all that was left to do was laugh, then cry and then laugh again. not only have my roomates been in studio each night this week, this morning one of them (while home for two hours, taking a quick nap) took my toothbrush thinking they were doing my other roommate a favor by grabing her toothbrush. way to be considerate...way to steal my toothbrush! if i had known, i wouldn't have eaten an icecream sandwich. fyi: icecream sandwiches leave the teeth feeling a little fuzzy. gross, yet delicious! i can't wait until they get their autoCAD licences and can just work from their laptops from anywhere.

People I wish I had better memories of

2006-09-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes, especially when i'm tired, i find it hard not to miss people.

i got a bike! i got a bike! i got a bike! hey, hey, hey, hey!

2006-09-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

my original plan was to bike to school with one of my roomies, but financial aid came in and it was mission a few hundreded and a bike was no longer in the budget for this onion. after a long (and multiple) talks with another friend about my no-bike situation (who is waiting for me to get a bike so we can hit up the night riding scene) i decided it was time i detacht myself from getting one. that night i while working on homework what did my roommate find in the back closet? none other than a bike. the wheels were off, the chain was...not right, and there were random (to us at least) screws lying around it. what does my great roommate do? she decides at twelve to start to put it together. you see, my roommate loves bikes. seriously, if a bike is around she has a hard time paying attention to anything else. so the joy that i found that night, was not finding a bike and having an amazing roomie that would fix it for me, but how excited and how happy putting the bike together made her.

When the food starts to get better

2006-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

that's right, i made tadiq...and i didn't burn it!! well okay the slightly burnt side is conveniently hidden on the other side of the plate, but, i mean, look at that beautiful plate of rice! you should have seen me taking pictures of it. i pretty much filled my camera with pictures as though it was my first born. i'm eating it right now (and who knew first borns were so tasty!) mmm...i'm so happy, i love persian food!

on growing up...

2006-08-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

my sister liza can be caught, many times, saying how old she is or how old she feels, and today i finally am able to relate to her blasphemy. for the first time, i feel old. this week i moved into my new apartment. neither of my roommates have moved in yet, so there is no one around to check on me or to make decisions with, and for the first time feel fully responsible for myself and my well-being.

and it's scary.

and the foods not all that great either*.

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fantasy is what people want
but reality is what they need...

...what are we going to do now
where are we going to go now
what are we going to say now

*suzanne and husayn know how to feed people, let me tell you

In God let the trusting trust...

2006-08-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

'Abdu'l-Baha stated:

"It is extremely difficult to teach the individual and refine his character once puberty is passed. By then, as experience hath shown, even if every effort be effort be exerted to modify some tendency of his, it all availeth nothing. He may, perhaps, improve somewhat today; but let a few days pass and he forgetteth, and turneth backward to his habitual condition and accustomed ways."

Extremely difficult does not mean impossible. (yay!)

i heart portland.

2006-08-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

well, portland is amazing. i woke up this morning and saw a mountain. yeah, that's right a mountain. and there are trees, you know...everywhere. portland is kinda covered with them and it's kinda great. then there are the parks. you don't have to go looking for the parks they just find you. first off, just by walking around the neighborhoods you might think that you are already in a park. but if that in it's self is not good enough for you, just start walking around and sooner rather than later you will stumble upon a park (and by the way their 'parks' are more like mini-forest perserves). right now i'm greatful to have grown up in the mid-west, because if i hadn't would i appreciate portland this much? illinois pretty much rocks right now, because it make portland so great.

moral of this post? visit portland; the city where they work.

Current state of being; note not current state of doing.

2006-07-31T23:46:00.000-07:00

Here comes the rain storm. You can smell, see, and feel it coming. The barometric meter changes and you can feel the ache of every past injury in your bones. You prepare for its coming the best you can, knowing it’s a big one. You bring in the dried towels and anything else that need to be brought in. And then you wait; excited about the change that is about to take place. It starts out slowly with light gusts of wind and then starts to pick up. You reach out your hand from under the protected stoop from which you sit, close your eyes, and let yourself feel each drop. At first it tingles and you feel as though your hand has fallen asleep and is now waking up. You can’t help but take a small step out and let your whole body feel the rain. In a way, you come to realize, each drop that hits you allows you to feel your place in the world; you feel small and powerless. But then the rain starts to pour down and you can no longer feel the tingles of each drop; instead you become so soaked (with the exception of a few fat drops hitting your face) you are no longer aware of the rain. You think back to your place in the world and this time you feel unconstrained.

The rain, it eventually stops and you are left there in a state of bewilderment. Ten minutes ago you were completely dry and now by taking that step and standing in rain you are wet. In that short period of time you have changed and you are worried; what is it going to be like when you step back into the house?

Okay, so that was a bit weak and lame, but I’m exhausted. Not only am I exhausted, I am hot and the hotness is counteracting upon my exhaustion. Grrr…(and I grr in the utmost frustration). But anyways…After being gone for six weeks, in homes where there was endless support and one common goal, I’m a bit scared and overwhelmingly excited to be stepping back into the world.

By the way, how is the world oh people, that have been reading this? (that’s me asking you how you are…I miss you people). a little side story here: my friend geet-smeet (named changed for protection) says I need to stop making friends, because born into a family of seven…how is it that I have time for friends? Then while I was complaining about missing people she said, “see! you need to stop meeting people and making friends, you are just going to end up missing people all the time.” so, true. I miss and I miss. in fact I kinda want to get married just so everyone I miss can be all together.

More on Ruhi/my summer later… and by later I mean when I have time (mahh).

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Holy Spirit rain down on me

I want to feel Your presence around me

Shower upon me Thy confirmations

Through the Spirit of Faith bring regenerations

oh, i do believe in all the things you see, what comes is better than what came before.

2006-07-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

you learn something new everyday and on the fourth of july i learned this:

spontaneous dance party at the smits leaves the spirit ablaze and the soul soaring.

I listen to the wind
The wind of my soul
Where I'll end up, well I think
Only God really knows

Feeling it.

2006-06-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sasha (as I am biting into a left over piece of a green bell pepper): why are you eating a jalapeño?

Me (confused): This isn’--- !!!!

Two minutes later, while soaking my lips in milk and sucking on bread…

Me: I feel like I have kissed hell.

and now for a two second update:

ruhi in the woods equals life altering?

thus far i have laughed so hard my back hurt, found my twin, married, and now know what faith means. it's only been one weeks, but i can already answer that question...yes, in a very very good way.

Working on.

2006-06-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

and a quick shout-out: happy anniversary mom and dad!

i love my merkels forever and for always.

2006-06-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

vahid: no, anya! don't turn off the light. i know i'm bigger than tana and xcy, but they share a room and don't have to sleep by themselves. i don't have anyone to talk to, just bob the builder. hey! why don't you sleep in the bottom bunk tonight!

vahid (one hour later): goodnight anya!

vahid (another hour later): okay, just one more question...

vahid (half an hour after that): what about yellow annnndddd.......green?

vahid (half an hour aftert that): what about 3 blues and 100 oranges?

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tah: bye-bye xcy, i love you!
xcyden: i wuv you!
tah: who do you love?
xcyden (looking up from her plate at me, grins and points): anya!

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katana: ohhh, so baby amia grew up and became your dad!?!!

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vahid (while pulling into dairy queen): anya, this is really nice!
me: no, vahid you're really nice.
vahid (after thinking about it): hey! i AM really nice!
mady: wow, vahid you're real modest.
vahid: no, mady anya's just being honest.

happy birthday sara!!! turning 28 must be fun!

bah-humbug.

2006-05-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

perk #241 of living with the allmarts: being there to overhear husayn sing J. Lo's "Jenny from the Block"

a priceless moment?

you have no idea what you all just missed.

and now on to the rambling. bare with me or just stop reading...staring now:
there are things that people don't allow themselves to do and for me one of those things is hope. though to many this can be a romantic notion; to have hope is to have faith, to have faith is to believe, and to believe is to be hopeful. it's one big beautiful circle, but for me hope is scary. to hope is to finally admit to myself whatever it is that i am allowing myself to hope for is the thing i really want. doubt fills my head and the fear of what i'm hoping for is not what i need or is not going to get me where i want it to get me, or it is not what i should be hoping for and so forth and so on. i don't want to hope, because i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to have faith, because i don't want what i want not to happen. i don't want to believe, because i don't want my hope to blind me in seeing other out comes.

confused? so am i. but at least i have a vague idea of what i am saying. you may not, sorry. words and i are in a complex relationship...and that being true, why i have a blog remains an question that's going to go unpondered.

i am hoping to go to ruhi in the woods this summer (an intensive training camp for future community service type thing) and i'm trying to put these fears of hope aside. right now i am filling out the application and i'm trying to figure out how to say what i want to say. not too good with words and writing, three out of four of the question asked are, in a way, intimidating. my involvement with core activities and my experiences with them? well, i filled in and helped my sister a few times with her sunday school classes...uhh...the study circle i was in held a devotional...umm...yeah. i feel under qualified to answer the question and scold myself, "why haven't you done...done...something!" i had school, i had a job, i had a two hour commute each day...these are the excuses running through my head. when did i have the time? i should have made the time.

but as i ponder about why, i think it all comes down to being shy and not knowing quite how to get involved with service in a way i felt comfortable and at least semi-confident about. i feel like going to ruhi would help. i would build confidence being trained in the ruhi books and as a jr. animator. i would become comfortable through meeting and getting to know the people that would be there with me, the people i would be working with when we come back to chicago. instead of "would" though, i should be saying "hope". i hope that is apart of what i would get out of going to this training. this is what i envision at least.

hmm...baahhhhh....applications.

hmm...baahhhhh....hoping.

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My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.